Wow. Where do I begin. It’s been a crazy, emotional, wonderful journey already, and as I type this, we haven’t even submitted our application to an agency yet (update: this was first written a month ago, we have now applied and been accepted by our agency).
I can’t remember when or how I first came up with the idea to adopt. I do remember that whenever I read or heard about an adoption story (particularly from China), I was always moved to tears. One time I found a children’s book called I Love You Like Crazy Cakes (a story about a mother adopting a daughter from China). As I flipped through the pages, I was in tears. After we had our first daughter, I casually introduced the idea of adoption to my husband. At that time, we had decided we want four children. I told him that I would like to birth another child but would like to consider adoption for our third child. He quickly answered, “Sure!” There was no hint of hesitation. After this initial conversation, he became a bigger advocate for adoption than me. He expressed his desire to adopt our child #3 and #4. We figured that we’d begin our adoption process around the time our second child turned one and receive our child #3 by the following year. Well, child #2 came by birth as we had planned. After her arrival, time flew even faster than it did before. Before we knew it, we were celebrating her second birthday, and nothing had begun regarding adoption.
Around this time, some people I knew were pregnant or trying to get pregnant with their third. All of a sudden, I wanted to jump into the same “baby wagon,” and I told my husband that I wanted to pursue a third pregnancy. He said he didn’t care either way, as long as we eventually adopted at least one child. If I was to be completely honest with myself, my motives for wanting a third pregnancy were a bit selfish. I wanted to experience the hype and attention that came with pregnancy and delivery of a new baby. I wanted to “join the club” of others who were pregnant. I wrestled with this thought for a few months.
I began to really seek God for guidance. It seemed as though everywhere I turned, I encountered some sort of adoption story or story about girls who were not wanted/abandoned in certain countries. Allan and I were drawn to the idea of adopting girl(s) from countries where they are considered not favored or important. I had a heart-to-heart moment with God, and I clearly sensed that His desire for our family in this current season was to make adoption our primary focus. We can “talk” about it to death, but were we actually going to answer His call and pursue it?
Even after having this assurance, I still had doubts. There was still a part of me that wanted to birth another baby. I thought perhaps I could pursue both pregnancy and adoption at the same time. I quickly found that this was not allowed in most adoption cases (our application process will be placed on hold if I became pregnant, until our baby was at least six-months old). This would interfere with our plan to make adoption our primary focus. I had two conflicting desires in my heart, and I was in emotional turmoil. I asked for God to grant me increased peace and certainty. He did.
I asked myself, if I had to choose one or the other, which one would I choose? Even though I had desires for both, I knew in my heart that the answer was clear: I would choose adoption. My husband was in full agreement with this, which was an added confirmation. Around this time, a couple I knew from college had traveled to China to adopt their first child, and they posted detailed photos throughout their entire trip on Facebook. I was hooked. I was blown away. I was inspired. I cried looking at many of their pictures. There was no turning back. I had to experience this miracle for myself!
Since then, I have not looked back. When I hear of someone else getting pregnant, I feel a tint of jealousy, but it doesn’t last long. I quickly turn my attention to our calling, our journey. I am an adoption-addict these days. I’ve been introduced to several different families who have adopted from China. I never get tired of hearing each family’s story. Every time they get to the part where they knew this adopted child was theirs, my eyes fill up with tears. Within this last month, it has transformed from a simple desire into a compulsion. We need to do this. It is imperative for us to do this. For our family, it has become a matter of obedience. God has spoken. We will answer and obey. I realized that the turmoil I was experiencing was about deciding to be on board with God’s plan halfway or 100%. I choose 100%. Having the assurance that God is leading every step of this process has allowed my fears to be transformed into excitement. I am thrilled to unfold this next chapter God has in store for us. I cannot wait to turn the page!
Somewhere halfway across the world right now, my child #3 could be alive and breathing. This thought makes me want to jump on a plane right now. Mommy is coming, Sweetheart, Mommy is coming. I have so much love to give, you won’t have enough room in your heart to contain it. I know God will keep you safe until I hold you in my arms. Mommy is coming. Wait just a little while longer, I am coming…for you.
This category of my blog will be dedicated to our family’s adoption journey. I hope you’ll jump on board for the ride.