by BooParry | Jul 17, 2012 | Parenting
(Continued from Part 1)
I wish I could say the day got easier after this, but she had two more rounds in store for us before the day was over. I guess God was not through with answering my prayer. The good thing was, each round was shorter and less intense than the one before…which was definitely a progress!
I guess the sandcastle that’s been hardest to smash in all this is the expectation that I should get an A on my report card instantly if I work hard at it. I seek guidance, I pray, I use all my strength to be consistent and do the right thing, yet I see very little (or slow) progress. Granted, it’s only been about two weeks since I began the most recent reset process, but I find myself seeking for that immediate A. As a perfectionist in school, I achieved straight A’s easily and instantly. Unfortunately, it’s not as simple with parenting. I know that Allan and I are doing the right thing…maybe not in everything, but we sure are doing our very best. Yet sometimes, the road gets tougher.
As I was pondering all this, I came across this verse in my daily Bible reading:
Let us then fearlessly and confidently and boldly draw near to the throne of grace (the throne of God’s unmerited favor to us sinners), that we may receive mercy [for our failures] and find grace to help in good time for every need [appropriate help and well-timed help, coming just when we need it].
-Hebrews 4:16 (Amplified Bible)
I am holding on to this promise: I can always find God’s grace to help me, at just the right time. I choose to trust in His word, daily, rather than my circumstances or my own progress report.
Another sweet reminder from God came at church yesterday. Before going to church, Peanut threw a blatant attitude towards me, and she lost a privilege. She screamed the whole way to church. I kept my calm, knowing she feeds off of my emotions. As I parked the car at church and looked into her eyes, I was fighting with all my might to not let the tears that were filling up fall down my face. I was about to enter into my discouragement zone again. After checking the kids in and finding our seats, I sighed a simple prayer: Lord, I can really use some kind of confirmation today, no matter how small. I need to know that this is all worth it. In my heart I believe I am raising a leader. Everything looks messy and tough right now, but I need to know that victory is on its way.
Friends, let me tell you, I have a loving Father who loves to answer my prayers. Sometimes instantly. The title of the sermon was “The Place of Victory.” I’m not kidding. To make a long story short, the message confirmed to me two things that I desperately needed to be reminded of:
1. I am raising a great leader for God – a pillar of faith. (In the sermon, the pastor talked about how Jesus believed this about His brother James for 33 years…and it eventually came true, in a BIG way.)
2. The victory has already been won for me by Jesus on the cross. Through Him, I have full access to all the resources I need to be victorious in every situation. It may not “look” like a victory to the world (just as His death on the cross or His brother’s martyrdom did not look like a victory at the time). I may not see the full effect of each victory on this side of heaven. But that’s OK. I will keep walking this road to victory in faith.
In this current season, raising my strong-willed Peanut is my “cup.” The cup that I sometimes want to pass on, yet not my will but Yours. I will let go of the idea that it should be easy. I will let go of the idea that the finish line is near. I will not fear any drawbacks that will come along the way. I will not seek empty praise from the world or worry about their criticism. Instead, I will keep believing in the vision God has given me and keep walking faithfully in His calling. As I smash my own castles built by sand, I believe that someday I will stand in awe in front of a beautiful castle built on solid ground. I WILL see the harvest of what I’m sowing into my daughter. I will thank God for allowing me to take part in the building process of such magnificent castle, so intricately and wonderfully designed by Him…for His glory.
Oh yes, it will be all worth it.
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by BooParry | Jul 16, 2012 | Parenting
As you can probably tell from my last post in the parenting category, I was not at a very good place.
-There was less structure and more chaos.
-I felt discouraged, hopeless, and sometimes defeated.
-I was overwhelmed and stressed out.
-I was being reactive rather than proactive in my parenting.
-To be honest, I grew a little lazy and was not giving my all.
-I had lost my confidence.
It was time for the “reset” button. I needed major retraining, mainly for myself as a mother. With the advice of my mentors and prayer support of friends, I was determined to dive back in, this time 100%.
If only there was a true reset button. How EASY would that be! I push a button, and WALLA! My children are ready to go with my new game plan. Have I told you yet that I tend to be idealistic?
The “reset” process has been long and difficult, to say the least. It has been requiring every square inch of me, from the moment the girls get up until the moment they go to sleep. I see progress some days, and I see regress on other days.
Let me share with you a day I recently had which definitely fell into the “difficult” category. I took the girls to the pool for our MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) playdate. I was looking forward to seeing my friends I hadn’t seen in a while. About half an hour into playing in the pool, I sensed that Peanut was quickly advancing into her “testy” mode (I know her so well by now, I can smell her attitude a mile away).
I gave her a warning that she must stop the attitude, or she’ll sit in the chair.
She didn’t stop. Strike One. Out of the pool, and off to the chair we go.
She tried to fight sitting, but I told her either this or go home. She sat.
After playing again for a while, I corrected her on taking a toy from her sister. She talked back. Strike Two. Off to the chair we go.
She tried to fight the chair again, and I gave her the same choice: either sit or go home. She sat.
Before she went back into the pool the third time, I explained to her, “This is the last time you’re sitting on a chair. If you disobey or talk back to Mommy again, we’re going home.”
“Yes, Mommy.”
She played nicely and listened well for another 20 minutes. Lunchtime came, and when I said we all needed to go to the bathroom first, she said she didn’t need to go. I explained that I needed to, and they must come with me. She refused. With all the attitude she could muster up, she said, “No! I don’t want to!” Strike Three.
It was not pretty. She kicked, screamed, and shouted, “I DON’T WANNA GO HOME!!!!!” She tried to pull away from me. I kept my calm as much as I could, while I picked up my 36-pound daughter with my 95-pound body. I tried to hide the gigantic embarrassment I was feeling inside. My friend helped me with LittleBit (thank God), and off to home we went.
Peanut screamed all the way home (about half hour drive). By the time I parked in our garage, she was finally in her “surrender” mode. She knew exactly why we had to come home (for talking back to me, once more), and she also knew there will be another privilege taken away for the way she behaved about coming home.
We’ve had some rough, draining days during this “reset” period. Just when I think I’ve seen the strongest side of her strong will, she takes it to a whole new level. I’ve been working persistently on her “fight for control” issue for the last two weeks, yet progress seems to come ever so slowly. However, where I have seen a major progress is in my attitude. I no longer am in a defeated, stressed out, reactive mode. With God’s strength and wisdom, I’ve been able to create more of a game plan, be proactive, and regain my confidence. This has made all the difference in the world!
On the morning of the pool outing, during my prayer time, I almost asked God to give me an easy day with the girls. Instead, this was what I ended up writing in my prayer journal:
Lord, help me to glorify You in my parenting today. Show me YOUR ways, and give me the strength and wisdom to walk in it.
Talk about God answering by granting me a divine opportunity.
To Be Continued…
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by BooParry | Jul 11, 2012 | Key, Marriage
“For better or worse.” When we stand at the altar and make those vows, I wonder how many of us truly, TRULY understand the “[for] worse” part. I know I didn’t.
The darkest time we faced in our marriage (to date) was the season of the café trials. Allan was a co-owner of a café, which turned into one nightmare ordeal after another. During one particular season (which also happened to be the first year of our oldest daughter’s life), it seemed as though uncontrollable and highly unfavorable circumstances were attacking him from all angles. Over the course of nine months, I saw his frustration level rise, and he was anything but his usual, cheerful self. It was painful to watch.
My husband is usually a very upbeat kind of guy. When he’s “up,” those around him (especially me) can’t help but to feel happy, even if I was having a downer day. But when he’s “down” and upset, the atmosphere becomes full of tension. I get very anxious. He has such a boisterous, influential presence, and I have a tendency of being like a sponge, soaking up the atmosphere that I’m around. When his frustration level kept rising and his negativity permeated our home, I began to wonder: Is everything going to be OK? How can we get out of this and be happy again? Will things always be like this? Some days, I was actually relieved when he left for work. At least then, I felt all the chaos and anger were outside of our home. Then I quickly felt sad for feeling this way. How can this be? We were only two years into our marriage, and this was not how I pictured it would be.
Needless to say, this was one of our “[for] worse” seasons. How did we make it through? I know that I didn’t handle it in the best way. The important thing is, we did make it through, and in the process of making many mistakes, we came out wiser on the other end.
MISTAKE #1: I threw myself a pity party. As I type this, this happened to me again last night. As human beings, I think it’s pretty much impossible not to view ourselves as the victims, at least initially. So I should rephrase this: the mistake is to STAY at my own pity party. I stayed there for a long time during the café season. Allan was so tied up (even more than usual), and when he was around, I was the soundboard of his frustrations. I missed my fun, upbeat husband. I missed our home being free of tension and chaos. I missed having him around more. I was frustrated too, but I felt I couldn’t dump it on him because he was already going through so much. I kept thinking: What about me? What about my needs? What about my hurts? Again, throwing a pity party for ourselves is so incredibly easy to do, and sometimes we have a right to throw one. Yet how do we get out of that spot and not stay there? The answer leads to my next point.
MISTAKE #2: I turned to my spouse to heal my wounds. Wait…isn’t that what our spouse is suppose to do? I’ve learned that our spouse can be a tool that God uses to bring healing, but God is always the ultimate HEALER. I wanted Allan to make it all better. There were many nights when I cried myself to sleep (in the living room), hoping that Allan would hear me and come comfort me. When I did dump all my emotions on him, he usually tried to “fix” my hurt, which often involved him defending his case (in hindsight, I know that deep down he was feeling very bad for how this trial was affecting our family). My wounds could not be fixed; they needed to be healed. My girlfriends listened and sympathized, but they could not heal. My mentors gave me advice, but they could not heal. I learned some valuable lessons during that trial. Fast forward to present time. Last night, as my pity party began in the shower, it quickly turned into a prayer session. I cried out to God. I let Him know how much this hurts. I brought all of my brokenness to Him. He hears. He understands. Most importantly, He heals. (Psalm 147:3)
MISTAKE #3: I expressed my feelings to my spouse without checking my motives. When we’re hurt or disappointed, it’s easy to speak out of our current emotions. I did that a few times to Allan during the café season. It only made matters worse. Why did I need to communicate those feelings to him? If I was to examine my heart, it was because I wanted him to know how miserable I was feeling, not because I thought it would make things better. I’m not saying we should never communicate how we honestly feel. We do need to remember though, God gave us power over our words. He gave us power to speak life into the hearts of those we love. Last night, as I pondered on this, I realized that the most effective things I can say during these times are often the farthest from what I want to say. Instead of “What about ME?” I can say, “Is there anything I can do to help?” Which one of those phrases will breathe life into my husband, and which one of those phrases will let him know that I am his #1 fan? (Proverbs 16:24)
MISTAKE #4: I let worry and anxiety cloud my mind. Oh boy, it’s scary how good I am at this one. Triggering from one single incident, I start thinking how it’s always going to be like this and what kind of damage it will do to our family. Our mind can be such a tricky device, can’t it? If we let it, it will go through that downward spiral so fast, and before long we’re like a slave to a god called WORRY. I can’t remember the exact phrase my pastor used, but it was something like this: “Instead of being a WORRIER, be a PRAYER WARRIOR.” That stuck with me, and that’s the first thing I do when I begin to worry. I ask God to give me the RIGHT perspective – a clear and balanced perspective, instead of one that is clouded by current emotions. I claim Scripture over our situations. My God says no weapon formed against me shall prosper (Isaiah 54:17)! Shortly after I do this, the worry god is inevitably DETHRONED, and my God Almighty is in His rightful place.
The last piece of all this, in addition to all of the above, is SURRENDER. Life is hard at times, and I don’t know what the future holds. In marriage, ten out of ten couples will experience the valleys as well as the mountaintops. Many times there is nothing that I can do to change the situation, and most certainly I can’t change my spouse. One thing I hold on to – and I will keep hanging on, until the day I see Him face to face: I cry out to God, I trust everything in His care, and He delivers me from all my troubles (Psalm 34:17). Not once has this not been true. It doesn’t happen instantly. Often times it’s a long climb back to the mountaintop…but I always get there. What is the reward of all this faith-stretching struggle to the mountaintop, when another valley will eventually come? It’s that when I do hit another valley, like I did last night, the climb back up is a little bit lighter and easier. In the process of the climbing, it’s me who’s changing. That’s what it’s all about. When I climb that last mountain, into the loving arms of my God, I hope that who I am then will represent more of His character than when I first began.
As an added bonus, this journey helps me to become a better wife when we hit those “[for] worse” seasons.
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by BooParry | Jun 24, 2012 | Parenting
I had a very candid conversation with my husband yesterday about Peanut. At one point, I remember telling him this: “Peanut is just so difficult. I love her, of course, but sometimes I don’t like her.”
It’s the truth. Before any of my mom readers throws stones at me, I guess the more appropriate way to say this is, sometimes I don’t like being her mother. We are a mismatch – Peanut and I. If I were to imagine the most inharmonious mother-daughter combination, it would be us. Here are some reasons why.
I am a perfectionist. I tend to demand perfection from myself, as well as those who represent who I am (i.e. my husband and my children). Obviously, there goes problem #1. I did not give birth to a perfect child. I guess that only happens once in the course of history, and Mary beat me to it.
I am a conformist. I like receiving instructions and following rules. It’s part of the culture I grew up in. I like to blend in. I like to stay inside the lines. I don’t like to stir the water. Peanut is the most out-of-the-box kind of person that I know. She is unique in every way. It’s easy to see that her life is meant to stand out. If there is a line, she will cross it completely and blatantly, or at least she’ll see how far she can go. She wants to set her own rules.
She constantly does or says things that make me wonder, “Why?” Why does she have to do that? Why does she have to touch that? Why? WHY? Some are out of defiance; others are out of pure childishness. Either way, she tests my patience.
I try to avoid confrontation at all cost. She thrives in confrontation, and she has to have the last word.
Me: Peanut, don’t pick at your scab. It’s going to keep hurting if you do that.
Peanut: But it doesn’t hurt.
Me: Peanut, be gentle with your toys, so you don’t break them.
Peanut: But they didn’t break.
Of course, I deal with her on the fact that she’s talking back to me, but it doesn’t change how frustrating and exhausting I get in midst of it.
I tend to be a people-pleaser. Pleasing others (especially me) does not seem to be on her priority list. She is who she is, with a unique sense of humor. She was playing around at the dinner table, so I told her to use good manners. She then started making funny noises and asked, “Mommy, is this good manners?” I told her no. She then began doing something else inappropriate and asked, “Mommy, is this good manners?” Blood is boiling at this point, and all I can do is to keep calm. How is it that one of her best talents is knowing how to push my buttons?
She and I are alike in some ways too…but they also contribute to how mismatched we are. We both like control. I want control so that I can meet my idealistic expectations, and she wants control….well, because that’s just part of who she is. She is a natural leader. We are both smart. I am not trying to brag, and honestly, my intelligence is quickly fading the more children I have. We both notice every little detail, and because she’s already smarter than I am, she tends to be right most of the time. This drives me insane. We find ourselves in frequent power struggles.
I was feeling hopeless and discouraged. I envied other moms who seemed to “have it easy.” As I talked about these feelings to my husband, I also expressed how guilty I felt for feeling the way I did…and for saying the things I did about her.
We decided to take a break from our serious talk and watch a movie. It was called Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. This movie was not what I expected, and I still don’t know how I feel about it. In some ways though, I was able to relate to the relationship the mother had with her son (the main character). First of all, it reminded me that we don’t have it that bad. Things could be a lot more challenging. Second of all, even though their relationship seemed to be a misfit, when they tried they were able to find a harmony. The mother was able to see that she can understand her son like her deceased husband did, and the son was able to see that he can express his love to her, even if he didn’t think he was that good at it. There was something beautiful about their mismatched relationship. It hit me right then. If God gave me a choice, I would not choose any other way. There is nothing in the world I wouldn’t give to be chosen as her mother again. Absolutely nothing. She is unique, and she is different. I don’t like different. She’s not easy. I like easy. But above all, she is mine. My one and only Peanut. I learn and grow because of her everyday. She dares me to be a better mother. I may have stayed as the same person if it wasn’t for God bringing her into my life.
I used to sing this song to her all the time when she was a baby, and today I sang this to her again:
You are my Peanut, my only Peanut
You make me happy, when skies are grey
You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my Peanut away
She was grinning from ear to ear the whole time. You know who I think is smarter than both her and me – God. He is so smart, to know how much we would learn from each other. How much we would grow together. He knew from the beginning that we’d be a perfect mismatch.
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by BooParry | Jun 18, 2012 | FaithJourney, Key, Single
This is a true story. I thought it would be appropriate to share in honor of Father’s Day.
You know that list almost every girl has, a list of all that we wish for in our future husband? When I first wrote that list (probably in high school), I had about 40 items on that list. I don’t remember them all, but I remember having some ridiculous ones in there – like I want him to play music, or I want him to write poems to me. How idealistic was I? Well, I am glad I didn’t stick to that list, because my husband neither plays music nor writes poems. God knew exactly the kind of person who would be the best fit for me. What’s even more beautiful is that He also knew the kind of person to whom I would be the best fit for. He is the ultimate Matchmaker!
And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will.
–Romans 8:26-27 NLT
I think this passage applied so much to my prayers for my future husband. I didn’t know what kind of man to pray for, although I thought I did. Instead, the Holy Spirit inside of me knew. And there was one particular day, in my mid-twenties, when these groanings did express themselves in words. I will never forget that day.
I remember the exact spot. I was driving in my car. A song came on the radio. It was the song “Just To Be With You” by Third Day. It’s a song about how a man will make many empty promises to claim his love, but he often cannot keep his promise. The song then compares this to the love of Jesus and all the promises He did fulfill to prove His love.
Just to be with you I’ve done everything
There’s no price I did not pay, no
Just to be with you I gave everything
Yes I gave my life away.
I was bawling, and bawling, and bawling. Actually, I was wailing…uncontrollably…in my car, alone. I’ve had many moments like this in my life, when I was completely overwhelmed and consumed by God’s love. Except this time, I was not thinking about myself. I was thinking of my future children. I was not even dating anyone at the time. All of a sudden, my heart cried out for my future children. I longed for them to know of this overwhelming love. I longed for them to find their complete security in God’s love. I also prayed, probably harder than ever before, for them to have a father who will show them a glimpse of this love, a father who will be the best possible example to them of their Heavenly Father. I made a promise that day. I vowed before God that I would not settle for a second best. I will not settle until I found a man who loves God with all of his heart, and a man who will show God’s unconditional love to his children. I will not settle until I found the best possible father for them.
Well, fast forward to present day. I still can’t get through retelling the story of that day without tears rolling from my eyes. The tears are not only from reliving the emotions of that day. They come from seeing the faithfulness of my God in answering that prayer, when I watch my husband with our daughters. I prayed for the best, and He gave me the best. He exceeded all that I asked for or imagined. I am not saying my husband is perfect. However, my special prayer was that he will be the kind of father who will demonstrate God’s love to his children to the best of his ability. I can say this with full confidence: there is not a day that goes by that my girls do not know fully how much their father loves them. They know they are special and adored. They feel completely secure in his love. They will not have an unhealthy need to look for a man’s love elsewhere, because their heart is overflowing with the love they receive from their Daddy. He is truly the best father I could have chosen for my children.
Everyday, I get to witness this miracle. Everyday, I witness the answer to my prayer. Everyday, in my heart, I praise God and tell Him, “Thank You.”
PS. The place I drove by on that particular day (when I first prayed that prayer) happened to be right in front of Tropical Smoothie Café, a store my husband owned at the time. Less than a year later, I met him for the first time. Goosebumps!
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