by BooParry | Apr 14, 2012 | Key, Parenting
My day with Peanut falls under one of the following three types:
Battle Day: ‘Nuff said.
Peace Day: These are days when everything opposite of Battle Day happens. She’s cooperative, doesn’t interfere with my plans, and keeps herself busy if I need her to. These are the days I dare to whisper (as I knock on wood), “She is so easy.”
In reality, most days are somewhere in between. I call this Finding Neutral Ground Day. It’s when she’s not in a full battle mode, but she constantly tries to test her limits. She loves to see how far she can go. She also loves to push buttons to see how I will react. She loves to pull me into a power struggle. It’s a challenge for me to resist being pulled into one and to keep enforcing boundaries and consequences with calmness. Another challenge is to let go of my idealistic expectation (of wanting it to be a Peace Day) and find a neutral ground instead.
I just experienced this type of day today, so allow me to describe it to give you a better picture.
Every morning, she wants to know the day’s agenda. Today’s agenda was a bit more complex than usual. I explained to her, “We’ll drop off LittleBit at Mimi’s house, because Mimi is taking her to a birthday party. You and I will hang out, then later Mimi will take you to Japanese school.”
I knew that she understood the agenda the first time around, but lately she developed a habit of asking me repeating questions.
“Mommy, may I go to Mimi’s house with LittleBit?”
“Mommy, may I go to Japanese school with Mimi?”
“Mommy, what are we doing today?”
She will bring up one question at a time periodically, until I lay down the law to let her know she must stop. “I’ve already answered that question for you. You know what you’re doing today. Do not ask again.”
Once the “I’ll Ask Mommy Questions I Know the Answers To” round was done, next came the never-ending “Potty Power Struggle” round. Potty-training a strong-willed child is a topic I will write about in detail later (by the way, I did it all wrong). For now, I will briefly mention how it’s been a constant power struggle ever since. Bottom line, she does not like to be told when to go. She would rather wait until the very last second, until she has to go so badly that she can hardly take off her pants by herself. This is a battle I try not to choose. However, there are times (like today) when I’m getting ready to put them in the van and she’s doing the pee-pee dance and I need her to go. She then tries to put up a bit of a fight, and I use my stern voice to say she must go. Next she tries the “passive-aggressive” angle and heads to the bathroom only to sit on the floor. Sometimes it’s not about going potty. Sometimes it’s about washing the hands. She hates being told what to do or when to do it. She first tries to object openly and when that doesn’t fly, she tries to passively delay because she knows I want her to do it quickly. It drives me absolutely up the wall. Still, I try my best to keep my calm and administer the consequence if I need to, when she does not obey immediately and/or completely.
After the potty round, we finally went out. I dropped off LittleBit, and I decided that I want to spend some quality time with Peanut. I told her that we’d go to lunch after we run some errands. At the bank, she did not stand still next to me for a second. I was constantly telling her not to touch things or crawl on the floor. We came out of the bank, then came the “I’ll Take My Time Getting into My Car Seat” round. Again, she knew that’s what I wanted her to do, so she subtly pretended that other things in the van were keeping her attention. I then took a privilege away from her of something she wanted. She quickly gave up that power struggle.
Lunch went really well after this. The way she stood in line with me to order food was a major improvement from the bank. We enjoyed our lunch together and headed home. When we arrived home, before she gave up the power struggles altogether, she had to go for one more round of “Potty Power Struggle” as she demonstrated another pee-pee dance on our way back into the house.
I just described half of my day with Peanut. No major outburst, but throwing out a minor power struggle here and there to see how I will bite, mixed in with her very busy and unique personality. I’ve become accustomed to having a day like this. It’s much better than a full-blown battle day. Still, for a perfectionist who likes everything to run smoothly and peacefully, it can be a challenge to say the least.
Later on as we were in the van, a children’s worship CD was playing. Peanut asked if I would sing with her. I said yes. We both began singing these words together:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
(“You Never Let Go” by Matt Redman)
As we sang this loudly and proudly (both out of tune), I knew that Peanut and I arrived at the Neutral Ground for today…or maybe just for this moment. It’s a place where we can both put aside all the stress and conflicts we had shared and find a way to connect with each other. She loves to sing; I love worship music. At the Neutral Ground, we’re able to discount the frustration and simply let each other know, “I still love you.”
I rely on God’s wisdom and strength during the battle days.
I rejoice and praise God during the peace days.
On a day like today, I keep smashing my sandcastle (my ideals) and allow God to mold me into a mother who has a little more patience, a little more calmness, and a whole lot of more love for my Peanut.
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by BooParry | Mar 9, 2012 | Intros, Key, Single
“Someday my prince will come….”
This thought occupied my mind all day and night for the majority of my childhood and teenage years. Looking back on it, I think I was obsessed. I was an only child, and my imagination was often advanced for my age. I also was lonely due to lack of a father figure during my early childhood years (until my stepfather came along). I was addicted to Japanese romance comic books. They were worse than Hollywood movies. They portrayed the kind of romance that would never happen in real life. I grew up expecting that my future prince will be just like the characters I was reading about in those comic books. I always had a “crush” on someone I hardly knew and completely painted him in a way that fit the description of my ideal. Good thing I never dated any of my crushes – I’m sure I would have been sorely disappointed. Instead of actually getting to know some of these guys (even as friends), I was deathly shy. I spent my childhood and teenage years just dreaming away…anxiously waiting for my Prince Charming.
A New Concept
Then I met Jesus. I was first introduced to Him in seventh grade, and as the years passed, I learned about Him more and more. Not only did I come to know about Him, I began to know Him personally. I began to experience His love. I discovered the priceless truth: He is the only One who can fill the void in my life (that desire to be accepted and loved unconditionally). I cannot place that expectation on another human being. It was a huge eye-opener for me. However, even though I understood this truth in my mind, it took a bit longer for me to accept it in my heart.
“God Bless the Broken Road”
After attending Christian school and college for a total of ten years, I faced the “real world” for the first time after I graduated from college. I experienced new things and encountered much diversity. Now that I was out of my small bubble, guys began to pay attention to me. I enjoyed this very much. One guy in particular wooed my heart. He made me feel so special in a way that I always dreamed of. We quickly fell far deeper into the relationship than we had intended to. It did not take me long, however, to realize that things were not right. God (the Holy Spirit) was nudging at my heart. This guy and I had two different values and belief systems. We were not heading in the same direction. Deep inside, I knew he was not the right guy for me. I remember God whispering softly to me: Maria, you have to choose. You can’t have him and Me both. If you try to keep us both, you will have too much turmoil in your heart. I knew this was true. It was one of the hardest things I did up to this point. I had to let go of this relationship. There were many tears, but God quickly brought me to the other side of the tunnel. He showed me how disastrous of a future I was headed with this guy. I saw a whole different side of his character after the breakup. More importantly, I saw God’s grace. He protected me from heading into disaster and preserved me for the very best He had in store for me.
“More Than Enough”
One Valentine’s Day weekend in my mid-twenties, I decided to go on a “date” with God. I decided to unplug from friends, media, and family, and just enjoy being “wooed” by God. I chose the most romantic spots to spend my time: I read my Bible, relaxed, wrote on my journal, and prayed. He showered me with His love (He even tangibly expressed it: following the weekend, my parents surprised me with flowers at work). I experienced in my heart what I had known in my mind for a long time. God was truly enough. He was more than enough. His love filled every void in my heart. My joy was complete with Him. The phrase “You complete me” from Jerry Maguire rang true for me – except it wasn’t another guy who completed me, it was God. I knew this joy would never be taken away from me, even if my human “prince” never came. If and when he did come, he would just be the “icing on the cake.” My happiness and joy were complete in my one true Prince: Jesus.
A few weeks after this experience, my human prince did come…but not on a white horse. On a white airplane. Not as a prince. As a stalker. But more on that later (see marriage).
This category of my blog is dedicated to the journey of my “single” years. My posts will come from journal entries that I have written along the way, as well as the lessons that I clearly see now as I look back. I will also share from experiences of my dear friends who are currently single (with their permission, of course). I pray that these experiences and lessons will encourage the single men and women who are waiting for the right person.
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by BooParry | Mar 5, 2012 | Intros, Key, Marriage
Far From a Fairy Tale
My husband and I are not your romantic, Hollywood-movie type of couple. First, we don’t have the look. Second, we are not very classy and elegant. The kind of “passionate romance” we see in popular media does not come close to describing our relationship. If we were ever being filmed in our home, you’ll see us in our T-shirt and jeans (or pajamas), sitting at our dining table drinking coffee, and laughing hysterically together.
Simple Love. That’s how I would describe “us.” So comfortable. So natural. So simple.
I love doing life with this man.
I was a hopeless romantic my whole life. I thought I knew the kind of ideal relationship I was looking for. Instead, the relationship God brought to my life was completely different from what I had imagined. It’s so much better!
I do not go weak at my knees every time he looks at me. We do not passionately make out as soon as he comes home from work. He does not shower me with flowers, gifts, and poems.
Instead, on occasions I still encounter the toilet seat left up. It drives me crazy how he loses his keys or phone or wallet and roams around the house expressing his frustration. He is not shy about passing gas (no joke). He demonstrates these ridiculous “strip shows” before we make love that leaves me crying from laughter (not your typical “pillow talk”).
These six years I’ve been married to him have been so completely different from the “happily ever after” I dreamed of for twenty-six years before I married him. But I would not trade one second of it.
Opposites Attract
It’s not always easy. Actually, in the beginning, it was excruciatingly difficult! I wasn’t sure if we were really going to make it to the altar. To this date, our dating and engagement seasons were the toughest times we faced as a couple (something else that did not go according to my ideals!).
We went through a crash course at the very beginning. We were faced with many differences. Differences in our genders. Differences in our backgrounds. Differences in our personalities. Differences in our communication styles. We were frequently hit with so many conflicts that we not only sought help from God through prayer, but also from trusted teachers/counselors. I had a hard time letting go of my deep-rooted fears and unrealistic expectations. I was looking to him too much to meet my needs and to be my security. Of course, he failed. I was disappointed. He didn’t understand me like I thought he should. He didn’t sympathize or say the right things. He wasn’t sensitive like all my girlfriends were. God quickly showed me through our dating stage (and our first year of marriage) that I had to let go of the unfair expectations I was placing on him. He’s someone I was to do life with – not someone who was there to make me happy all the time. It didn’t take long for me to realize that this was a growing opportunity. Marriage gave me a chance to put aside my desires and try to meet someone else’s needs instead. We both grew so much within those first few years. Now, looking back, I see that God was allowing us to build a solid foundation, not only for our marriage but also for our home. Just a year and a half after we were married, we welcomed our first daughter. By then, our relationship was so solid that there really was no issue of this baby getting in the way of our marriage. Next to our relationship with God, we both knew that our marriage took the top priority.
Rainy Days
We also went through some hard seasons together within the first few years. These trials taught me that our life together can’t always be peachy and full of laughter. Since I’m married to such an outwardly expressive guy, when things are good, he makes everything so much fun! But the opposite is also true. When things are not so great, his frustration, chaos and negativity permeate through the home. In those times, I learned that I can’t be soaking myself in “self-pity.” I need to be a prayer warrior. I need to protect and preserve the positive attitude in our home. I also can’t be the “Holy Spirit” in my husband’s life. I need to trust God to carry him through the tough times – and He always does. The tough times bring us closer together, and my faith in God is greatly increased after every trial. They also make the good times even that much sweeter.
I know that we still have much more to learn and grow. We still have many days when our “selfishness” gets in the way of trying to be there for the other person. But we know we are not alone. The security of our marriage relies not on how capable or knowledgeable we are, but on how capable and wise our God is.
- God is at the center of our marriage – we seek Him first, and we do not have to rely on our human capabilities.
- We are REAL and humble with each other; we both have a teachable spirit.
- We are full of laughter.
These are the three key ingredients to our marriage…with this mix, I know that we will make it. We also long for other couples to share in this confidence.
This category of my blog is dedicated to the ongoing journey of our marriage. I will post some current adventures as well as my past adventures that I have written in my journals along the way. I hope our experiences will give some insight and encouragement to other married couples in their own journey.
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by BooParry | Feb 13, 2012 | Intros, Key, Parenting
It’s very hard for me to communicate what it’s like to be a mother to my firstborn child (whom we affectionately call “Peanut”). She is so unique, and being her mother is unlike anything I’ve expected it to be. At the beginning, I would have said that it’s not a journey I would have chosen for myself. Now, after four years into the journey, I would not trade it for anything in the world. Here’s a summary of the roller-coaster adventures I have experienced with Peanut these last four years:
Surprise – The shock that came after Peanut’s birth was half my fault. I had dreamed of being a mother my whole life, but I never stopped to think of what it was actually going to be like. As an only child, I’ve been a “little adult” my whole life. I didn’t have much practice taking care of babies or children. I was used to so much freedom – doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, for as long as I wanted. I did not prepare myself nearly enough for how that world was about to change…drastically.
The other half of the shock was due to the fact that “easy going” was about the farthest phrase possible to describe my baby. God showed me from very early on that my ideal perspective of what it’s like to be a mother had to change dramatically.
Guilt – We struggled with breastfeeding for about a month. Even after it was finally mastered, my baby was very hard to please. I didn’t feel “connected” to her as I thought I should. I did not feel the instant affection that many other moms talked about. She didn’t seem particularly attached to me, and some days I didn’t feel particularly attached to her. With this realization came a large amount of guilt. What was wrong with me? I did not feel like someone whose dream had just come true. I felt more like someone who was daily trying to survive. As a toddler, she was very energetic and still hard to please. It was becoming very clear that she had a mind of her own and a strong determination. During both the baby and toddler stages, I welcomed any break I was able to receive from taking care of her. I relied heavily on the help of my supportive husband and mother. As if the feelings of guilt were not enough, I also felt very inadequate as a mother.
Battles – Ages two and three were filled with numerous battles. Her strong-willed nature manifested itself in full-force. Many of these battles involved heavy tears on both hers and my end. I constantly prayed for God’s wisdom. I often asked those closest to me to pray on my behalf (and I still do). There were many episodes, at home and in public, that made me think, “This cannot possibly be happening to me. I am not supposed to be that parent with an out-of-control child.” Once Peanut set her mind to something, she gave everything she had to fight for it. She had no reservation about taking a stand against me, and she also knew how to push my buttons. When her anger surpassed a certain level, there was very little I could do to calm her down or redirect her. Growing up, I was not used to being a part of any conflict, and at times her aggression scared me. I experienced more conflicts and oppositions with her in four years than I had in my whole life up to this point.
New Perspective – During these last four years, God has taught me so many lessons along the way. He taught me how to embrace life when it doesn’t turn out the way I pictured in my head. He taught me how to let go of guilt and insecurity, and instead trust in His process of molding me into the mother He has designed me to be. He taught me how to handle the tough battles with wisdom and calmness. Believe me, I’m far from where I can say I have “mastered” those lessons. I still struggle with disappointment, guilt, frustration, etc. But looking back, I can see that so much of my perspective has changed since four years ago. Instead of idealizing motherhood as a constant blissful season of life, I now see it as a huge opportunity to grow as a person. Instead of viewing my child’s strong-willed nature as an inconvenient trial, I now see it as an honor to be entrusted by God with this great responsibility of raising her. She challenges me everyday, and I continually discover the jewels hidden under her unique personality. She genuinely cares for others, especially when they are hurt. She is ultra sensitive; there’s so much depth to her thoughts and emotions. She is a natural leader; once she’s comfortable with the environment, she assumes the leadership role and takes charge (she just hasn’t learned to be tactful yet in her leadership). She is not afraid to stand up for what’s right, even if she has to go against the crowd. She loves to be helpful and get things done. She is extremely smart and pays attention to every detail. She has a great sense of humor. No two days are alike with her. She stretches me in every direction, but as I already said, I would not trade being her mother for any other role in the world. I’m so grateful for this new perspective God has developed in me during the last four years. My heart is full of excitement (instead of fear or doubt), as I think about the next fourteen years and beyond that I have with her.
This category of my blog is dedicated to my ongoing journey of raising my strong-willed child, Peanut. I will post some current adventures as well as my past adventures that I have written in my journals along the way…and how being her mother has taught me so much and helped me to grow as a person.
