10 Years

by | Sep 13, 2013 | FaithJourney, Marriage, Parenting, Single

Last month was the 10th anniversary of my big move from California to Florida. My new life in Florida began on August 21, 2003.
This made me think of who I was 10 years ago…and who I am now.

ME 10 years ago:
-Young (Boy, was I young! 23 years old. I had no clue how “young” I really was back then, or how much freedom I had to enjoy, haha.)
-Shy, scared to talk to new people
-Homesick for California
-Moved back in with my parents
-Loved God…but also looking for my future mate to fill my needs and desires. I was so anxious for “my happily ever after” to arrive!
-Loved to journal and play with photos
-Not a big reader
-Not a kid person, although I knew I wanted a big family someday

ME now:
-Married for 7 years
-Three daughters
-Just returned from China to adopt our new daughter
-Led numerous small groups (parenting and MOPS groups). Love to speak/teach in front of people.
-Love God more than ever…knows He is the One who fills ALL of my needs and desires.
-Learning more about truly becoming who I was created to be…a worshiper of God, not just in songs but also with every detail of my life.
-Love to blog and play with photos
-Love to read

Life lessons learned….

By being married to my husband, I have learned the true meaning of LOVE. LOVE is not a romantic happily ever after, but a daily choice to say “I do.” Marriage is an opportunity TO LOVE and serve. Opportunity to grow. Yes, it has many happy, joyful moments full of laughter. But there are tough times as well, and God MUST be our rock.

By being a mother to Peanut, I learned more about FAITH (which also happens to be her middle name). Motherhood is not a constant blissful season that I dreamed of. It’s a constant LEANING on God to guide me with wisdom. Constant test of faith (especially when blessed with a strong-willed child!): to stay consistent even if I don’t see the fruit right away, continue to have FAITH in the BIG plans God has for my child, and continue to parent towards the future.

By being a mother to LittleBit, I have experienced so much JOY. There is so much joy in parenting. The “oh you are so cute” moments really make all the frustrations from the day disappear. I’m learning to find joy in the little things. I’m learning to take a break from the busyness of life…and just ENJOY the blessings that are all around me.

Within these past two months of being a mother to Mini-Lu, I’ve been a recipient of abundant GRACE.  It’s not about being a perfect mom who has it all together. Sometimes I mess up…badly. Sometimes my children show goodness “in spite of” my parenting and not “because of” my parenting. But even in this, God is whispering to me, “It’s OK. You will mess up sometimes. But keep trying. Keep learning. Keep growing. Keep leaning on Me to be the mom I have created you to be.” With each new child, God enlarges my capacity. He also shows me GRACE through my children. Often times, they are so much more gracious than I am. They are so resilient and forgiving. Their love and trust in me do not waver. Everyday, I receive a dosage of God’s GRACE through my children, and most especially through Mini-Lu.

I love my life. Oh, how I love my life. It’s not always easy. I have many more days of feeling exhausted, frustrated, and out-of-control than I did ten years ago. But I would not trade this life for what I had. No, definitely not. I have more gray hairs and wrinkles…and my nails are hardly ever polished. But…I have gained so much more wisdom, love, joy, and strength on the inside…through all that God has allowed me to experience in the last ten years. Most importantly, Jesus is more real to me than ever before.

Here’s the biggest lesson I learned in the last 10 years. 10 years ago, I was chasing after my perfect sandcastle…my happily ever after. 10 years later, I’ve learned…it’s when my own sandcastle is SMASHED, when I’m broken, and when I’m so very aware of how imperfect I am…these are the times I run the fastest into the arms of my Father. In midst of this sweet surrender, I finally find my “happily ever after”: my heart so engulfed by His love that I don’t know whose heartbeat I’m listening to…mine or His.

No, I wouldn’t trade this Divine Romance for any other kind of life this world may have to offer.

Share

Who I’m Not

by | Aug 9, 2013 | FaithJourney, Parenting

A little over two weeks ago, I became a mother of three.

I feel like hyperventilating just by reading that sentence I just typed.

Not only did I become a mother of three, but because our third came by way of adoption, I’m all of a sudden a mother of 5-, 3-, and 2-year-olds. Instead of having two kids and a baby, I definitely have three kids. Three little kids.

Since my teenage years, I’ve wanted to have a big family. It was one of my sandcastles – to have a big family of my own. My husband and I don’t know yet how “big” our family will end up being. Currently though, this feels pretty big.

Here’s the kicker though – I’m not a kid person. I mean, not at all. I don’t have that natural gift of relating to and having fun with kids.

I didn’t spend a lot of time with kids growing up. I spent time with my grandparents, my parents and their friends, and my cousins who were three and six years older. I never liked being around little kids. I never babysat.

This week, I found myself having a lot of doubts. What was I thinking? Maria, you KNOW you’re not good at this. You’re an introvert, and you’re not FUN with kids like your husband or CREATIVE with kids like your other mommy/teacher friends. How did you think you were going to enjoy this?

I know that some of these doubts are coming from lack of sleep (jetlag) and difficulties of adjusting to my new life. Change has never been easy for me. I’m your typical “I want things to stay the same and comfortable” kind of gal. I found out this week that you get the “baby blues” even when a new child comes through adoption.

I also know, that part of the problem is (once again) my perfectionist tendencies. I want to be that mom who loves being around children and who loves to play with them. I also want to be that mom who keeps her house in order and has well-behaved children.

I know what you all want to say: “Good luck!” “Don’t we all.” “Stop trying to be perfect.” Before you send me all those messages on how high my expectations are and how I shouldn’t feel this way, let me remind you that this is just my natural tendency. It doesn’t mean this is how I want to feel or that I’m striving to be perfect. Remember, my blog is all about “how a perfectionist like me navigates through her imperfect life; how she learns to let go of her ideals and embrace the God-given purpose instead.”

So I’m currently in the process of smashing another sandcastle.

This intro post of a popular blogger really helped me to find more freedom from my perfectionism.

“I am really disorganized, I don’t make my bed, and I yell at my kids too much. I don’t garden, sew, craft, or read – so you’ll rarely find anything about those topics here. I don’t do so many things, so when you read my stories, look at my photos, and bookmark my recipes, I hope you see a girl who shares what she does well, but is hopelessly flawed in many other ways.”

It was a good reminder to me that it’s OK to admit the things I’m not. I’m not a kid person. Meaning…rarely you will find me rolling around on the floor or getting dirty with my kids. It doesn’t mean I won’t ever do it. It just means that’s really not a natural part of who I am. But I do like to read to them. I like to take pictures of them. I like to journal and keep up with their physical, emotional, cognitive, and spiritual developments. I like to write down the prayers I pray for them. I like to capture sweet memories and preserve them in creative forms.

I don’t like to do children’s crafts (I only like to do my own crafty projects). But I praise their work like crazy whenever they make something on their own or with someone else. I love to give them encouragement and affirmation. I also give a lot of instruction and correction. I’m not good at joining in on their pretend plays, but I constantly have my eyes and ears open so that I can steer them to speak to one another with kind words, always. I’m not good at making up songs for them, but I love listening to and singing worship songs with them in the car, no matter how tone-deaf we are. They also love it when I sing “You are My Sunshine” to them.

Even if I’m not always the “fun” parent, I’m confident that my girls know how much I love and adore them.

I also know…that I may not be “in my zone” during this season, but a time is coming. I’m very much relationship-oriented, and as the girls get older I know I will enjoy talking for hours on end with them about the things that matter…you know, like boys and such 🙂 As a matter of fact, it was when I spent time with another family during their children’s teenage years that first gave me the desire to have a big family of my own.

I know that it’s not about perfection. I know that it’s about balance and growth. Most importantly, it’s about relying on my God who knows the end from the beginning. He has chosen ME, out of all the women He could have chosen, to be the mother to my three girls. He loves my girls more than I ever could, and He believed I was the best choice for them. So I must be enough. With His help and guidance, I’m more than enough.

I don’t know if I will ever be the “fun” parent, but I’m learning to “have fun” with my girls more. I’m learning to take it one day at a time. I’m well aware of things I need to improve on. I’m learning to be more aware of things I excel in. I’m learning to invest in things I’m naturally good at and enjoy.

I’m learning to admit who I’m not – and appreciate who God made me and who He’s helping me to become.

Love Like His

by | Apr 29, 2013 | FaithJourney, Key, Marriage

We all enter marriage with an optimistic view. We enter with some sort of a sandcastle-type image of what our marriage will look like. In our vows, we exchange words such as “my best friend,” “my life’s companion,” “my true love,” and “together forever.”  When we’re standing at the altar, not many of us think of the hard times we may face in our marriage. No, we’re dreaming of all the good times. We’re picturing eternal bliss. That’s why, at the altar, it’s easy to vow the words “until death do us part.”

After the wedding comes the honeymoon. But shortly after the honeymoon…life happens. You both thought you were so great at meeting each other’s needs and desires. Then, one day, you have a really bad day…and you’re waiting for your spouse to help you feel better. Little did you know, he also had a really bad day (maybe worse than yours), and he’s anxiously waiting for you to help him feel better. When you see each other, you both quickly discover that your expectations are not being met. You’re disappointed. Disappointment turns into self-pity; self-pity turns into resentment. Before long, you’re thinking to yourself: This is not how I thought it was going to look like.

Jesus knew exactly what it was going to look like, when He decided to enter into a love relationship with humanity. He knew we’d have many bad days. He knew we’d betray Him. He knew we’d reject Him. He knew we’d disappoint Him. But He came anyway. He served anyway. He loved anyway. He gave His all for us anyway. The Bible compares earthly marriage covenant to the divine covenant between Christ and the church. There’s nothing He didn’t give. He completely set Himself aside for the sake of those He loved.  His love was characterized by humility.

The longer I’m married, the more I’m convinced of this truth. Most of us have a wrong idea about the goal of marriage. The primary goal of marriage is not happiness. The primary goal of marriage is that we learn to love like Jesus. Marriage provides a great opportunity for us to grow in this area. I experience this opportunity daily. It’s hard, extremely hard, to put my needs and desires aside. Trust me, I know how hard it is; I grew up as an only child! Let’s think about this again. After I have a bad day with the kids, I anxiously wait for Allan to come home, hoping (actually pretty much expecting) he will take over. He’s late. I’m irritated. He finally comes home. Not only is he late, he’s irritated over something that happened at work. Wait a minute! What gives him the right? It’s my turn! Who, in their natural state of mind, can at that moment set aside their own frustrations and instead focus on meeting the needs of their spouse? Yet what better opportunity can there be to practice what Jesus did for us? I know I can’t, not with my own strength. I not only need Christ’s example to follow, I need His power and grace daily to love like He did.

I have not conquered this skill…not even in the least. But I am committed to growing. I’m committed because Christ made the same commitment to me. “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). Thankfully, I’m married to a man who is also committed to this goal. He’s actually way better at expressing unselfish love than I am.  We both still have so much more room to grow. Yet what we’re discovering is this: when we focus on the primary goal God has for marriage (learning to love like Christ), then the other goal we had for ourselves (happiness) comes as a natural by-product. No, everyday is not perfect…but for the most part, we are sincerely happy and we enjoy our marriage immensely.

Of course, I’m not referring at all to being a doormat or tolerating abuse/infidelity from your spouse. I’m simply referring to everyday opportunities that come in marriage, when we can either act out of selfishness or choose to place the other person before us. This can easily apply to other relationships as well. Marriage, in my opinion, gives us the most amount of opportunity. And it’s a lifelong opportunity. When we keep this goal in mind, with God as our help, we can vow the words “until death do us part” and never break the promise.

May we grow to love with a love like His…

Don’t act out of selfish ambition or be conceited. Instead, humbly think of others as being better than yourselves. Don’t be concerned only about your own interests, but also be concerned about the interests of others. Have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

Although he was in the form of God and equal with God,
    he did not take advantage of this equality.
Instead, he emptied himself by taking on the form of a servant,
    by becoming like other humans,
    by having a human appearance.
He humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death,
    death on a cross.
Philippians 2:3-8


Share

Pin It on Pinterest