by BooParry | Oct 30, 2017 | #SecondJourney, FaithJourney, Key, Series
Photo by Matt Howard on Unsplash
Something is happening.
I feel that I’m falling deeper, yet I’m not afraid.
I feel that it’s so much bigger than I can handle, yet I’m not overwhelmed.
I feel that I’m experiencing some sort of…rebirth. An awakening…of my soul, of my true self.
God, could it be, that you are closing the chapters of my smaller stories? Are you closing my morning program, as You transition me into a life that accomplishes more of my true purpose?
Brennan Manning calls this the second journey.
For the Christian, the second journey is often accompanied by a second call from the Lord Jesus. The second call invites us to serious reflection on the nature and quality of our faith in the gospel of grace, our hope in the new and not yet, and our love for God and people. The second call is a summons to a deeper, more mature commitment of faith where the naiveté, first fervor, and untested idealism of the morning and the first commitment have been seasoned with pain, rejection, failure, loneliness, and self-knowledge.
–Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel
I should give a little bit of a background story. I’ve been in a season of “desert experience” for a few years now, and my soul has been in some dark places (see post God Showed Up Bigger). I think it’s similar to the season in the wilderness that the Israelites experienced after they left Egypt, before they reached the Promise Land. I have become very acquainted with the words described above: pain, rejection, failure, loneliness, and realization that I have been relying on self-knowledge and my own abilities. This humbling experience has caused me to cling to God tighter. The waves of the storm have been high, and I needed the security of my Anchor more than ever before. As always, when I seek God more, He takes me deeper. Deeper experience of His love. Greater awareness of His presence. Clearer understanding of His perspective. I’ve had similar experiences like this before, but not to this magnitude. Because this current storm has been the toughest (not to mention the longest) I’d ever faced, the awakening experience has been more real, more revealing, and more powerful than ever before.
I am the Way, I am the Truth, and I am the Life.
–John 14:6, The Passion Translation
Recently I heard this profound truth regarding the above statement made by Jesus during a retreat I attended. “Heaven is the reward. Destination is the Love of the Father.” Heaven is not the destination; it’s just the cherry on top that happens to last for eternity. The prodigal son thought the destination was his father’s house. His plan was to beg to return there as a servant. He didn’t know that his true destination was the love of his Daddy. “I am the Way….” To where? To the love of the Father. That’s my destination. Jesus will take me there, always.
Brennan Manning confirms that this is precisely what the second call (mentioned earlier) asks: Do you really accept the message that God is head over heels in love with you?
Jesus also says, “I am the Life.” This part…I’m finally starting to understand and experience it. He is the Life. I have no life apart from Him. The life I had built for myself – the sandcastles I had built – had to be torn down. God needed to take away all the pseudo stories I wrote for myself and turn them all upside down, so that I can finally live the real story God has in store for me. My pseudo stories had the wrong theme…trying to make my life look good on my own. The true theme of my story is, and will always be, discovering deeper the love of my Father and living my life out of that love. The second journey calls me to truly live, in freedom.
A thief has only one thing in mind—he wants to steal, slaughter, and destroy. But I came to give you everything in abundance, more than you expected—life in its fullness until you overflow!
–John 10:10, The Passion Translation
Back to this retreat I went on. I had a taste of this “fullness.” I tangibly experienced the deep, intimate affection of God in my body, soul, and spirit. I experienced the gentle presence of Jesus. I was overwhelmed by it all, but He gently whispered to me, “There’s so much more I want to show you. So much more of My love to be lived out, even (especially) back in your everyday life.” I am meant to fully live a life of discovering beauty, intimacy (deep affection), and adventure (sacred romance)…not just for a few days in the most ideal retreat setting but in my everyday life.
I don’t want to live in my pseudo-stories anymore. I am the prodigal daughter, and I am my Father’s delight. That alone causes me to dance…to burst in joy. My heart can’t contain it all…and I don’t want to contain it.
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn’t earn it
I don’t deserve it
Still You give yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
There’s no shadow You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up
Coming after me
There’s no wall You won’t kick down
No lie You won’t tear down
Coming after me
–Bethel Music, “Reckless Love”
His love chases me. I have finally moved beyond head knowledge to heart knowledge of this truth: I am the lost sheep, I am the prodigal daughter. His love chased me until I was found and brought me home. He left the ninety-nine…for me.
Oh, this reckless love…I can’t contain it. It won’t allow me to remain the same. It leads me to greater beauty He has for me, to deeper intimacy, to a wilder adventure…and He wants me to experience all of it, now, everyday. I hope to share some of this “second journey” with you in the coming posts.
I have no idea what the second journey holds…but I do know the destination.
Beloved, you are Home, in My arms.
Papa, I come running to You. I throw myself in Your arms. I am HOME. There is nowhere else I want to be, ever. Stay with me, always.
by BooParry | Apr 22, 2014 | #GodAdventure, FaithJourney, Key, Series
Continued from Part 1 and Part 2…
This brings me to my college and young adult years. My college years were pretty uneventful. I mean, there were definitely lessons to be learned, but I was living a pretty sheltered life in a dorm for four years at my small Christian college. God knew that I needed those years to establish a firm foundation for my faith. He also brought me some amazing friends, who became my lifelong friends. As an only child, I craved for close companionship. Well, God sure answered those prayers in abundance during my college years. This was when I experienced the deep joy of sisterhood community.
After college, I entered the “real world.” I was not quite prepared for all the different directions I would be pulled in, concerning my faith, social life, and yes, even romance. I was enjoying the attention from guys that I was not used to receiving. In college, I was hanging out with my girlfriends in sweatshirts and pants…and wondered why guys were never paying attention to me. Besides, the guys at my college were way too conservative. I think some of them believed if they even talked to a girl they’d be giving out a wrong signal that they want to marry her. Anyway, the “real world” was completely different, and I was caught off guard. I was having fun, while making some unwise choices, and trying to figure out how to do this “life” on my own for the first time.
After several months of being tossed back and forth (of trying to live out my faith vs. being pulled into the ways of the world), I realized that I had come to a crossroad. I had to decide, is this really my own faith, or is it just the faith of the Christian schools I have attended? Is this truly the faith I choose to live by for the rest of my life? Around this time, there were circumstances in my life and “nudging in my heart” that let me know that God was directing me to move to Florida to be near my parents (they had moved to Florida during my freshman year in college). That was the last thing that I wanted to do. As far as I was concerned, California was my home…forever. I had my friends and mentors in close proximity. I was comfortable. I did not want to move. Yet, deep in my heart, I knew that this was the “right” choice to make at this crossroad. Faced with a choice of God’s way or my own, I decided to choose God’s way, even though it was very difficult for me.
I thought my life was back in order. I didn’t know that God had one more crossroad left for me before I moved. Moving to Florida was a decision of submitting my mind/will to God’s way. In hindsight, I think He wanted to make sure that I would follow Him with my whole heart also. I made some more unwise decisions and got myself involved with a guy who quickly stole my heart. I wrote about this on my post Intro: Single and Waiting. I knew from the beginning he was not the right guy for me, but I allowed my heart to get involved. After a short period, I came to another fork on the road. I knew that I could not choose God and him both. It was the hardest decision to make up to this point. What it boiled down to was this. If I let go of him, I knew I would experience some heartbreak for sure. But if I let go of God, I knew my heart would not survive. I would cease to live/breathe. I could never let go of God and find joy, purpose, or life again. It was never really a choice. At that point, I knew: my heart belongs to God. Now and forever. Completely. Irreversibly. I am His, and He is mine.
Since that moment, I have not looked back. I never had to face that choice again. For me, I choose Jesus…always. And I have not regretted it once. Actually, quite the opposite. Right after this last crossroad in California, God allowed me to see what a disastrous way I would have been headed with this guy. God opened my eyes to the manipulation and subtle, unhealthy control that I was placing myself under. A couple of years later, I met Allan, my husband. There is absolutely no comparison of the life I would have had with him and the life I share with Allan now. It makes me shudder at the thought of what my life would have been like had I chosen differently. It makes me so deeply thankful for the choice that I did make.
No, life has not been a fairy-tale since choosing God’s way, but like I said, I have not regretted it once. Even though trials are part of life, I will always choose to walk with God than to walk without Him. Without Him, there is no direction, no hope, and no true joy. Even if I’m doing “good,” I’m doing them out of my selfish ambition. Even if I am showing “love,” it’s to be loved back. But with God, it’s different. It’s Christ living in me…and I’m able to show selfless love to others because that’s the kind of love I experience from Him daily. I hope this makes some sense.
By no means was leaving California and meeting Allan the closing chapter of my God-Adventure, but that is where I will end this series for now. There have been many more adventures He has carried me through since then, but I will save them for a later time. Thank you for reading!
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by BooParry | Apr 14, 2014 | #GodAdventure, FaithJourney, Key, Series
Continued from Part 1
So I became a Christian in seventh grade. I knew where I was going when I died. But it took a while before I began to see any “fruit” of the Holy Spirit living inside of me (for those who may not know, we believe that once a person accepts Christ as their Savior, the Holy Spirit comes to dwell in that person’s heart to continue guiding them in God’s truth; Acts 2:38, John 14:26). There were a few different reasons for not seeing much fruit immediately. I was not plugged into a local church (remember, I lived 40 min away from my school), and I didn’t have a personal mentor to teach/disciple me. At the same time, I was going through the teenage years in full force. Peer pressure, insecurity, feeling lost, hormonal changes, etc. – you name it, I experienced it.
Things took a significant turn at the beginning of my junior year. I got my driver’s license and my first car, and I did what many teenagers do…I wanted to fit in with the crowd, so I lied to my parents and went to places without permission. Then I was caught. The way I was caught was so comical/ironic, it had to be God. My parents were not harsh on me, but I’ve always been hard on myself. I felt an overwhelming amount of guilt and shame. I was once again soaked in self-pity. I wondered if I was ever going to be good enough. I wondered if I was ever going to fit in with my peers. I wondered if I was going to be truly happy. I was going through a deep internal downward spiral…and that’s when it happened. That’s when I finally experienced God’s love. Up to this point, I had heard about it, read about it, and thought I believed it. But this was when I experienced it. I tasted and I saw – that God is truly good. And He really loves me, for who I am. It happened through the people God brought into my life at just the right time. It happened through what I read in the Bible. It happened through the worship songs I heard and sang. It happened through the Holy Spirit overwhelming me with emotions I never felt before. I found friends and teachers who guided me in His truth, and I also started attending church regularly for the first time.
In my current study of Christian psychology, I read from author Larry Crabb that every human being has a need for significance and security. We long to find the answer “YES” to the questions: Do I matter? Am I loved? Am I accepted and safe? As human beings, we continually seek sources (in ourselves or in others) that can satisfy these needs. But only ONE SOURCE can completely and unconditionally meet those needs, and that source is Jesus.
Jesus said to the woman at the well (John 4:14):
“But whoever drinks from the water that I will give him will never get thirsty again – ever! In fact, the water I will give him will become a well of water springing up within him for eternal life.”
In the well of God’s unconditional love, I experienced true life and true joy for the first time. It’s not that everything was so horrible before then. It’s not that everything was peachy from that point on. It’s so hard to explain; it was as if a dark, cloudy filter was lifted off from my eyes…and I saw everything in clear light. I no longer was consumed with self-pity. I was excited about living and excited about how God can use me to spread His amazing love to others. For the first time since I could remember, I was thankful for my life and all that He has blessed me with. For the first time, I wanted to live my life for someone else (God) and not be so consumed with myself and my world.
I finally tasted the Living Water…and I was no longer thirsty.
Taste and see that the Lord is good.
How happy is the man who takes refuge in Him!
–Psalm 34:8
As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.
–1 Peter 5:9
Continued on Part 3…
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by BooParry | Apr 3, 2014 | #GodAdventure, FaithJourney, Key, Series
I think writing about my life story (so far) that God has carried me through is a good place to start this new season of my blog with. I hope it will help my readers to understand why my faith is so important to me.
I was born in Japan. Many people assume that most Japanese people are Buddhists. This is not untrue, but it’s not really true either. Many people in Japan practice Buddhist customs out of tradition more than faith. At least that was true for me. Our family would participate in various rituals, ceremonies, and festivals, and I never knew what any of it meant. Nobody would ever explain it to me (probably because they didn’t know themselves). We would have a small shrine of our ancestors in our homes and pray to them, because that’s just what we’ve always done. In reality, I would say most Japanese people are atheists or agnostics. They follow Buddhist customs out of tradition, but they rely on what they can rationalize for truth. Although, since I left there, I’ve heard that many people are now turning to “spiritual mentors” for guidance. From what I understand (don’t quote me on this), it’s similar to the New Age movement.
I think a lot of my perfectionism came from my Japanese culture. It was an environment, at least while I was growing up, of achieving/maintaining excellence and pleasing others. It was a culture that stressed conforming and doing your part to maintain harmony, rather than expressing yourself as an individual. I don’t want you to think it was all bad. My Japanese culture taught me some valuable virtues, such as respecting others (especially elders), living honestly, and pursuing peace, which are virtues that are becoming hard to find in the current American culture.
I always believed in God as far back as I can remember. I just didn’t know “which god” I was supposed to pray to. Many times I would pray and use names of all the gods I knew. From early on, I constantly toiled with the question, “Am I doing good enough?” On the outside, I was always “good.” But on the inside, I knew I had many faults. I remember one particular instance, I think I had forgotten to do my homework…I was praying to the gods, “Will I still make it to heaven?” Even though I acted “good” on the outside, I knew I had “bad” thoughts/feelings on the inside, such as jealousy and selfishness. So I never quite felt certain that I will “make it” to heaven when my time came.
I also remember soaking myself in self pity. I wanted my life to be “normal” like everyone else’s, but I felt that mine was so different. My mom became a single mom early on, and my grandparents raised me. During my elementary years my mom married my step-dad, and I was transferred to an English-speaking school inside a US Air Force base in Japan. It was a lot of changes to handle – meeting new people, experiencing a new culture, and learning a new language. I also found out that we’d eventually be moving to the States in a few years. Looking back, I see how this was all part of God’s plan. But while I was going through it, I remember feeling sorry for myself a lot…because I didn’t know God nor see His hand in any of it…just yet.
It’s amazing to look back and see how intricately God worked out the details of my life. I’m convinced it was no coincidence that my path eventually led straight to Him and His truth. We moved from Japan to Southern California at the beginning of my seventh grade year. I attended a school inside the military base for one week; that was all it took for my parents and me to find out that we didn’t like it. My wonderful parents found a private school for me to attend, 40 min away from the base where we lived. That’s almost three hours of commute everyday for my mom. My parents did this for four years, until my dad retired and we moved closer to the school. For this, I am so grateful. Anyway, this school that they found for me happened to be a Christian school. There, during my seventh grade year, I heard the gospel for the first time.
I love the way Ravi Zacharius puts it (he was raised as a Hindu and later converted to Christianity):
Jesus wasn’t just the best option to me; He was the only option. He provided the skin of reason to the flesh and bones of reality. His answers to life’s questions were both unique and true. No one else answered the deepest questions of the soul the way He did. And because Christianity was true, it was emotionally experienced.
–Ravi Zacharius, Walking from East to West, emphasis mine.
It was SO EASY for me to accept the gospel as Truth. Jesus was the Only One who provided simple answers to life’s questions I’ve been pondering about. It’s not that all my questions were answered. I still struggle with some parts of the Bible that are hard to understand/swallow. Jesus, however, answered the most pressing questions of my soul:
- Where did I come from? God created me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14.
- What is the purpose of my life? God has a plan for my life. I am not here by chance. Jeremiah 29:11; Philippians 1:6.
- Where am I going after I die? Is heaven real? If so, what do I have to do to get there? I was created for eternity. Heaven is real. I do not get there by my own good works; God has provided a way through His Son, Jesus. Jesus took on God’s punishment for my sins, so that I can be made right with God. If only I believe this and accept God’s free gift of grace, I will be with God forever in heaven. Ephesians 2:4-10; John 3:16.
On Easter of 1993, I took my first communion. Since then, I have not found any other truth to replace the truth I found in the gospel. No other person or religion or philosophy has been able to answer the above questions like He did. Jesus is it. He is the way, the truth, and the life…no one comes to the Father except through Him (John 14:6).
Continued on Part 2…
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by BooParry | Mar 27, 2013 | FaithJourney, Key, Single
The following is a journal entry from seven years ago, when Allan and I were engaged. To this day, our dating and engagement period has been the toughest season we have faced in our relationship by far. We were constantly faced with conflicts caused by fears, opposite personalities, and unrealistic expectations, as we learned to communicate and do life together.
This particular entry was written on March 18, 2006.
“Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.” Psalm 126:5-6
This is the passage You showed me last night. It has been a very tough battle/challenge these last few days.
I go through a great turmoil when reality doesn’t match my ideal. Relationship is hard. It’s hard to share my life with another imperfect person…and it’s even harder to realize how imperfect I am and have my imperfections be exposed to the other person. It’s hard to face conflicts or disappointments…and to learn how to communicate through them. When conflict happens on a regular basis, I get so exhausted.
I see how pleasant I am around other people (besides him). I realize how much I’ve enjoyed that…and I really miss it. Sometimes I’m hesitant to see him at night or answer his call because I’m afraid the worst part of me will come out again, just because things didn’t go exactly the way I wanted. This also clashes with my ideal that I shouldn’t feel this way about spending time with my fiancé. This whole challenge clashes with my ideal that I’m not supposed to be such a difficult person to deal with. The cycle just keeps getting worse.
It does, however, bring me back to my knees. I remember that You are always here to rescue me from this endless cycle of doubts, fears, and over-analyzing. I keep coming back to a place of faith. It’s my faith that’s being easily attacked, even intimidated, which is causing all this fear. I come back to the realization that I need more faith. More faith in God, who has never failed me, who promises to never leave me. More faith in Allan, who has stuck by my side so faithfully thus far…who has expressed so much love for God and for me. More faith in this relationship that has been given to us from God, where we can complement each other and glorify God more powerfully together than on our own. More faith in myself…who, after truly accepting God’s love, have always found my way back to Him. Who, with His help, have been able to endure any trial and challenge without giving up. Who have consistently sought His will and His guidance for me and my future family.
Last night and this morning, You brought me to a place of total surrender. I kept having crazy thoughts of what if the wedding has to be postponed or canceled…how would I face everyone. You reminded me that You’re the only One I ultimately answer to. I have given You full reign over my life. I need to be willing to leave everything in Your hands – the wedding, the marriage, everything. And I must be willing to give it up if You ask me to. It won’t make sense to me at all, but the command to sacrifice Isaac didn’t make sense to Abraham either. But through his faith and total surrender, Your glory was revealed…and You brought the sweetest victory for him. It will be the same for me. I will always choose You, Lord. Everything I have belongs to You. Where You call me to, I will go. What You want to take from me, it’s Yours. What You ask me to do, I’ll do. I long for this kind of heart always. May I always seek Your face.
I desire to hold the gifts You give me with open hands. I want my life to reveal Your glory and goodness. This morning, as I was on my knees, all I could let out with my voice was, “I surrender, I surrender, I surrender…everything to You.”
I do surrender all…it’s not I who live, but Christ living in me. May that be true to every part of my being. I will face every trial necessary, whatever it takes, for me to fulfill Your will and purpose.
My faith, my love, my undying devotion to my God. This is the legacy I desire to leave to my children and for a thousand generations to come. I want them to know that I sought after God with all of my heart…and that I always found Him.
You have brought me an amazing partner to share this journey with. We seek Your guidance, every step of the way.
As I read this and ponder back, I can see that from this place of surrender, God began an amazing work in and through our relationship, which is still unfolding today. As the verse at the beginning says, the seeds of our relationship were sown with tears, and now we are reaping the harvest with indescribable joy. When I give it all to God, He takes it and gives it back a hundred fold. My life is a living example of that…time and time again. I will testify to this truth until my dying breath: surrendering to Jesus always brings the sweetest victory. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s true. It’s true.
I have decided to follow Jesus;
No turning back, no turning back.
Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.
The world behind me, the cross before me;
No turning back, no turning back.
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.
Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
No turning back, no turning back.
-hymn attributed to S. Sundar Singh
by BooParry | Jan 12, 2013 | FaithJourney, Key
TRUTHFUL.
That’s the word God placed on my heart for 2013. And already, it’s been a challenging word to strive for.
I suffer from People Pleasing Disorder. My greatest fear is letting someone down. At a glance, it seems like a humble, selfless trait. It’s not. It’s actually very selfish and prideful. I do not want to appear less than “perfect” as a wife, a mom, a daughter, and a friend. I want to meet everyone’s expectations. When someone even hints at something that I failed to meet, I am offended easily and take it personally. My husband probably suffers from this the most. When he simply points out we need more of this or that (usually grocery items) in the house, I secretly get irritated. To me, he’s pointing out something I failed to complete. To him, he just wants some more milk. I know; it’s sickening. It’s very unhealthy, actually.
Recently I had a situation with a close friend of mine. A difference of opinion turned into a few weeks of emotionally exhausting turmoil. Bottom line, I had a hard time dealing with the perception that I am a “less than perfect” friend for her. This has been a very humbling lesson to learn.
What I realized is this: I need to work on developing a healthier conscience. A God-driven conscience, not a people-pleasing, perfectionist-wannabe conscience. I need to create healthier emotional boundaries for myself.
Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth. Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. –Ephesians 4:14-15
My thoughts, emotions, and conscience are “tossed around” way too much. So this is my new “goal” for the year: God directing my conscience, speaking the truth in love, and not worry so much about other people’s opinions of me. This will allow me to grow more in Christ. I will strive to be truthful to who God made me, what God has placed on my heart, and what God has called me to do.
What I am NOT saying is that I will try to change my personality. I am naturally a soft, easy-going, agreeable, peaceful type of person. That’s how God made me. I am never going to be “in your face” type of gal. However, in those moments when God is calling me to be “truthful” more than agreeable, I need to take the harder road of being truthful…in love.
Truth and love…it’s a hard balance to reach, but I know of the greatest example – The Cross.
I expect it will be a long process for me to learn, but I am committed to this goal. I’m excited for all that 2013 will bring forth from this word: Truthful.
Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. –Galatians 1:10
Lord, with all my heart, I seek to follow You and to please You, not people. Please help me to remember Who it is that I am living for. Help me to follow the footsteps of Jesus, and live my life with Truth and Love. I desire to grow this year more than ever before. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
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