by BooParry | Sep 22, 2015 | #Undone, Books, FaithJourney, Series
At six o’clock I woke up to a life I loved. By eight thirty it was gone.
-Michele Cushatt, Undone*
Have you had an experience like that? One moment, your life was just peachy. Sure, there were little things that bothered you, worried you, or annoyed you at certain times. But for the most part, you were pretty pleased with your life. You were pretty satisfied with yourself. Then, very unexpectedly, everything changes. The life that you knew and were comfortable with – is gone. You lose your sense of control. You lose your sense of security. What is the first feeling that attacks you? For most of us, I’m guessing that feeling is fear.
For me, it didn’t happen in one moment like it did for Michele. It happened over the course of a few weeks. I was struck with fear. I’ve had bad days before, of course, but this was different. I knew, at the deepest part of my being, that I was entering the “unknown.” I didn’t know how long it would last. I didn’t know where it would take me. I didn’t know what the future held. For a perfectionist who likes to have things planned out, there were too many unknowns. Michele put it so precisely: “I prefer to plot and plan, save and stock up.” That was me. Yet here I was. God was leading me on a path I was not prepared for. I was overwhelmed by fear.
For months afterwards, one single thought consumed me: I want to go back. I want a time machine that can take me back to before everything changed. I want a “do over.” I don’t want to walk this road of unknowns anymore! Please, God, take me back.
Yet, I couldn’t. He wouldn’t. It was out of my control. I also knew, without a doubt, that God had me on this road for a reason. Never before had I been so certain that I was right smack in the middle of God’s will for my life. Funny, I’ve spent many years as a Christian. I always wanted to “get” there…to a place where I knew for sure that I was in the middle of His will. I finally reached that place…which happened to be a place of utter despair and brokenness. How ironic is that?
The day cancer showed up in my life, God showed up bigger. He served up a portion of his presence, enough for one day. Enough to reassure me I’m not alone.
How I can relate. I wanted answers and instant fix. Instead, God gave me Himself…just enough to help me through, one day at a time. He gave me the same assurance He gave Michele: I am with you. Trust Me.
I knew that the road ahead was going to be rocky…and long. I had (still have) no idea when it would end. A huge part of me still wanted to just go back. I missed the knowns, the comfort, the security. In front of me, all I could see was a mountain, a Goliath, a battlefield. It seemed too BIG to face. Yet, God wanted to show up bigger. It would be through this road (not around it), that I would truly experience and know – that I am not alone. He is with me.
And that was enough…for that moment, that day.
One side note: I often compare my undone experience to hers. Hers was cancer, mine was something entirely different (not health-related) that I’m not prepared to disclose. I didn’t want to scare any family member who may be reading this.
*All the quotes used in this post are from the book Undone by Michele Cushatt. This is part of a series of posts I’m writing about her book. I will write about what God is having me reflect on after each chapter. You can just read my posts, or you can join the online book club I started. Read my Invite post and Getting Started post to find out more about the book club.
This post was reflecting on Chapters 1 and 2.
Discussion Questions for the book club:
-If you ever had a similar “undone” experience, what were some of your initial thoughts and feelings?
-How did God “show up bigger” or how did you hear His whispers in midst of your most pressing moments? Michele used an example of receiving a phone call from someone whom she least expected to hear (which was a sign to her that it was not a coincidence). Do you have a similar example you would like to share?
by BooParry | Sep 15, 2015 | #Undone, Books, FaithJourney, Intros, Series
Welcome, I’m glad that you’re checking this out to see if you’d like to join us on this journey. I hope you decide to do so!
Here are answers to some questions you may have:
What is this about?
It’s basically an online book club. We will be discussing the book Undone by Michele Cushatt. Please see my invitation post on how I came to chose this book and what I hope to accomplish through this book club. I will share a post every week, summarizing the chapter(s) for that week and sharing my thoughts on the content. The rest of you will have a chance to share your thoughts as well, either by commenting on the blog post (under comments) or by commenting on our closed Facebook group Smashing Sandcastle Discussions (please send a request to join the group).
Is it necessary that I purchase the book?
No, but strongly recommended. I will be posting a quick summary of the chapter(s) that we cover on my weekly blog post. You can choose to just follow my blog posts and participate in the online discussions. However, to get the most out of this group, I strongly recommend that you follow along with the book.
Where can I purchase the book?
You can find more info about the book and purchase it through the book’s official site: www.undonebook.com. Or you can purchase through Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Christianbook.com.
When will this book club start and end?
My first entry to begin the discussions will be posted the week of September 20. We will cover 1-2 chapters a week. My goal is to finish by end of the year (probably mid-December).
Will this require a lot of time on my end?
No! The chapters are short, and we will cover only 1-2 chapters a week. It should only take a few minutes of your time a week to read the book. I will share just one blog post a week that covers the chapter(s). How much you decide to participate in the online discussion is entirely up to you. I sincerely hope that each of you will take the time to share your thoughts, but you are not expected to do so every week.
Is this group opened to anyone?
Yes! My hope is to create a safe place for all women to share their thoughts and feelings, especially regarding what God is teaching them about their own “undone” experience/process. Please, please, please invite other women you know to join who may be interested.
What if I am not a reader? Or, what if I’d like to read at a faster pace?
Again the chapters are short, and we will cover 1-2 chapters a week. It’s a light load for even a non-reader to take on. If you are a reader, please feel free to read ahead and still participate in the discussion for the chapter(s) that are assigned to a particular week.
Is it necessary that I share about my “undone” experience?
No. You can share as much or as little as you want of your personal life. I personally will not be sharing details of my “undone” experience, because I’m not ready to do so. My goal for this book club is that we would encourage one another on the journey of seeking God’s presence in midst of our struggles or just everyday life. I would like the focus of our discussions to be how to seek God in midst of our struggles, instead of focusing on the personal details of our struggles. I hope that makes sense? If you’re not sure what I mean by “undone” experience, you can read my invitation post. Or you will find out soon enough as you begin reading the book.
What if I am not going through an “undone” experience?
You’re still welcome to join! Perhaps God is preparing for future chapters in your life, or maybe He will use what you gain from this book to help others through their “undone” experience.
OK, so now, how do I join?
Two ways.
1. If you have Facebook account, join our closed Facebook group called Smashing Sandcastle Discussions. Once you are a member of the group, you will automatically receive a notification on your Facebook account when I share a new post.
2. You can subscribe to this blog. You can choose to subscribe to only the book club portion of the blog by going here and checking only the “book club” box.
How do I join the discussions?
First of all, I really hope you do! I don’t want this to just be about what I have to share. I so long to hear your thoughts as well! You can join the discussions by commenting on that particular week’s blog post (under comments) or by commenting on our closed Facebook group Smashing Sandcastle Discussions (please send a request to join the group). You can choose to post anonymously on this blog. For Facebook, it’s a closed group, so only the people in the group will be able to view your posts/comments.
Can I join after the book club has already started (after September 20)?
Yes. These are short chapters, so it shouldn’t take you long to catch up. Or you can just pick up from where we are at the time that you join.
Wait, we’re not done yet!
If you’re planning on joining us, please take a minute to introduce yourself (again, you can do so in the comment section of this post, or in our Facebook group). Share what you’d like to about yourself. Please include what your hope is for this group.
Thank you! I can’t wait to “meet” you and begin this journey together!
If you have additional questions, please contact me at [email protected].
-Maria
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by BooParry | Sep 14, 2015 | #Undone, Books, FaithJourney, Intros, Series
Bringing my perfection to the world does absolutely nothing for anyone. Bringing my imperfection, that’s redeemed by loving a God, gives incredible hope.
– Michele Cushatt
Wow. It just hit me. I almost couldn’t focus on my driving. I had my five-year-old in the back of the van, and we were on our way to buy her some new ballet shoes. I just happened to have the radio on, which was playing a broadcast from Focus on the Family.
This lady who spoke of her unexpected suffering – being “undone” as she called it – described, with uttermost accuracy, the very lesson God has been pounding on my heart for the last two years.
Stop trying to bring your perfection, or even your “goodness,” to the world.
Embrace the imperfection, and seek ME in midst of every imperfection. Experience the truth of “Apart from Me you can do nothing.” In the process, you will bring real hope – the hope that’s only found in Me – to the world.
This is it. This is what I’m called to do: to share this truth to the world, using my own personal experiences. I have this inner longing, this “I can’t hold it back at all” feeling that I’ve not known before. This moment I encountered in the van was what brought me back to yet another attempt at blogging (grin).
This was a life lesson God has been whispering to my heart long before my own “undone” moment came. I mean, just look at what I decided to name this blog when I first began in 2012. Smashing Sandcastle: Imperfect Life of a Perfectionist. Yet, it wasn’t until my “undone” moment happened that I was forced to experience this truth. What I, and I believe Michele, mean by “undone” is this: when your perfect (or seemingly perfect) world is shattered unexpectedly and you are stripped of any false security or your own efforts that you were hanging onto, perhaps even unknowingly. The moment when there’s nothing left in yourself, and the only choice before you is either to be engulfed by utter despair…OR to seek God, more desperately than ever before, and reach out just to touch the edge of His garment for healing. Some of you may know what I’m talking about, and some of you may not. Either way, I hope you will join me on this journey!
Ladies, we are bombarded by the appearances of “happy” and “perfect.”
My friend’s family pictures on Facebook…they look like they came out of a magazine. Wow, look at what their kids can do. My kids have never said anything that sweet to me. Oh look, another display of what her perfect husband did for her…for no reason at all. And what…they are having another baby?
Oh, and let’s not even mention Pinterest.
She made WHAT for her son’s birthday party? How in the world does she have time to be a wife and a mom, make healthy meals from scratch, sew a costume, and still look that good?
I know I’m not the only one who’s had these thoughts!
I’m not saying that it’s wrong to share happy posts…I share them all the time. It’s in our nature that we desire to share our happiness, express ourselves, and be recognized. We want to share about our adventures, our talents, our families, and our accomplishments with the world. Many of us even desire to share God’s goodness through our happy posts.
I come back to the point, though, that we are bombarded by happy posts in the world of social media. More often than not, despite the good intentions of those posting, these happy posts leave some people feeling like they’re lacking. They often feel that their life should be just as happy and perfect, but they are hit with the reality that it’s not. In midst of all the “perfection” displayed in social media, they don’t feel they have anything to share, because their life is the opposite of perfect. I know of a few friends who have gotten off Facebook, because it was too difficult for them to see all the happy family posts, when their own family life was in such turmoil.
Again, I don’t believe happy posts are wrong. My point is, this blog will not be a place that is filled with “look how happy my life is” kind of posts. This will be a place that shares the messiness, the imperfection, and even the unhappiness of life. But it will NOT be a place to just rant and soak in self-pity.
This will be a place…where, in midst of our struggles and mess, we find meaning, courage, peace, hope, and even joy, by seeking God’s presence. I am confident that Michele’s book Undone will help us to do so on this journey. This will be a place where we share how this truth looks like in day-to-day life.
Just look at the Bible. God’s glory, goodness, and grace revealed through imperfect people making mistakes…big mistakes. God always met them in their mess. If the Bible had its own Facebook account, it will be filled with posts of messiness, imperfection, and weakness that are redeemed by encountering the presence of God.
So if you’re in the wilderness, if you have been thrown a curveball, if you unexpectedly found yourself being “undone,” if your life is so imperfect it’s not even funny – you have come to the right place. You will feel right at home.
Here is my plan. We will go through the book Undone by Michele Cushatt, one to two chapters a week (they are short chapters; it should only take a few minutes a week to read). I will share more details on the next post. For now, I want to give you a heads up that I will be starting this soon. Also, I want to give you a head start in purchasing her book, which you can do here. Buying the book is not required to participate in the online discussions; you can follow along and participate as I write about each chapter in this blog. However, I do highly recommended that you read the book with us.
I hope that you will share with other women in your life and bring more people to share in this messy yet transforming adventure!
Let’s bring God’s lasting hope to the world by sharing not our own perfections, but our imperfections that are redeemed by loving God and seeking His presence. I’m so excited!
*If you would like to listen to the Focus on the Family broadcast, you can get to it here. Michele gives a preview of what her book is about.
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by BooParry | Apr 22, 2014 | #GodAdventure, FaithJourney, Key, Series
Continued from Part 1 and Part 2…
This brings me to my college and young adult years. My college years were pretty uneventful. I mean, there were definitely lessons to be learned, but I was living a pretty sheltered life in a dorm for four years at my small Christian college. God knew that I needed those years to establish a firm foundation for my faith. He also brought me some amazing friends, who became my lifelong friends. As an only child, I craved for close companionship. Well, God sure answered those prayers in abundance during my college years. This was when I experienced the deep joy of sisterhood community.
After college, I entered the “real world.” I was not quite prepared for all the different directions I would be pulled in, concerning my faith, social life, and yes, even romance. I was enjoying the attention from guys that I was not used to receiving. In college, I was hanging out with my girlfriends in sweatshirts and pants…and wondered why guys were never paying attention to me. Besides, the guys at my college were way too conservative. I think some of them believed if they even talked to a girl they’d be giving out a wrong signal that they want to marry her. Anyway, the “real world” was completely different, and I was caught off guard. I was having fun, while making some unwise choices, and trying to figure out how to do this “life” on my own for the first time.
After several months of being tossed back and forth (of trying to live out my faith vs. being pulled into the ways of the world), I realized that I had come to a crossroad. I had to decide, is this really my own faith, or is it just the faith of the Christian schools I have attended? Is this truly the faith I choose to live by for the rest of my life? Around this time, there were circumstances in my life and “nudging in my heart” that let me know that God was directing me to move to Florida to be near my parents (they had moved to Florida during my freshman year in college). That was the last thing that I wanted to do. As far as I was concerned, California was my home…forever. I had my friends and mentors in close proximity. I was comfortable. I did not want to move. Yet, deep in my heart, I knew that this was the “right” choice to make at this crossroad. Faced with a choice of God’s way or my own, I decided to choose God’s way, even though it was very difficult for me.
I thought my life was back in order. I didn’t know that God had one more crossroad left for me before I moved. Moving to Florida was a decision of submitting my mind/will to God’s way. In hindsight, I think He wanted to make sure that I would follow Him with my whole heart also. I made some more unwise decisions and got myself involved with a guy who quickly stole my heart. I wrote about this on my post Intro: Single and Waiting. I knew from the beginning he was not the right guy for me, but I allowed my heart to get involved. After a short period, I came to another fork on the road. I knew that I could not choose God and him both. It was the hardest decision to make up to this point. What it boiled down to was this. If I let go of him, I knew I would experience some heartbreak for sure. But if I let go of God, I knew my heart would not survive. I would cease to live/breathe. I could never let go of God and find joy, purpose, or life again. It was never really a choice. At that point, I knew: my heart belongs to God. Now and forever. Completely. Irreversibly. I am His, and He is mine.
Since that moment, I have not looked back. I never had to face that choice again. For me, I choose Jesus…always. And I have not regretted it once. Actually, quite the opposite. Right after this last crossroad in California, God allowed me to see what a disastrous way I would have been headed with this guy. God opened my eyes to the manipulation and subtle, unhealthy control that I was placing myself under. A couple of years later, I met Allan, my husband. There is absolutely no comparison of the life I would have had with him and the life I share with Allan now. It makes me shudder at the thought of what my life would have been like had I chosen differently. It makes me so deeply thankful for the choice that I did make.
No, life has not been a fairy-tale since choosing God’s way, but like I said, I have not regretted it once. Even though trials are part of life, I will always choose to walk with God than to walk without Him. Without Him, there is no direction, no hope, and no true joy. Even if I’m doing “good,” I’m doing them out of my selfish ambition. Even if I am showing “love,” it’s to be loved back. But with God, it’s different. It’s Christ living in me…and I’m able to show selfless love to others because that’s the kind of love I experience from Him daily. I hope this makes some sense.
By no means was leaving California and meeting Allan the closing chapter of my God-Adventure, but that is where I will end this series for now. There have been many more adventures He has carried me through since then, but I will save them for a later time. Thank you for reading!
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by BooParry | Apr 14, 2014 | #GodAdventure, FaithJourney, Key, Series
Continued from Part 1
So I became a Christian in seventh grade. I knew where I was going when I died. But it took a while before I began to see any “fruit” of the Holy Spirit living inside of me (for those who may not know, we believe that once a person accepts Christ as their Savior, the Holy Spirit comes to dwell in that person’s heart to continue guiding them in God’s truth; Acts 2:38, John 14:26). There were a few different reasons for not seeing much fruit immediately. I was not plugged into a local church (remember, I lived 40 min away from my school), and I didn’t have a personal mentor to teach/disciple me. At the same time, I was going through the teenage years in full force. Peer pressure, insecurity, feeling lost, hormonal changes, etc. – you name it, I experienced it.
Things took a significant turn at the beginning of my junior year. I got my driver’s license and my first car, and I did what many teenagers do…I wanted to fit in with the crowd, so I lied to my parents and went to places without permission. Then I was caught. The way I was caught was so comical/ironic, it had to be God. My parents were not harsh on me, but I’ve always been hard on myself. I felt an overwhelming amount of guilt and shame. I was once again soaked in self-pity. I wondered if I was ever going to be good enough. I wondered if I was ever going to fit in with my peers. I wondered if I was going to be truly happy. I was going through a deep internal downward spiral…and that’s when it happened. That’s when I finally experienced God’s love. Up to this point, I had heard about it, read about it, and thought I believed it. But this was when I experienced it. I tasted and I saw – that God is truly good. And He really loves me, for who I am. It happened through the people God brought into my life at just the right time. It happened through what I read in the Bible. It happened through the worship songs I heard and sang. It happened through the Holy Spirit overwhelming me with emotions I never felt before. I found friends and teachers who guided me in His truth, and I also started attending church regularly for the first time.
In my current study of Christian psychology, I read from author Larry Crabb that every human being has a need for significance and security. We long to find the answer “YES” to the questions: Do I matter? Am I loved? Am I accepted and safe? As human beings, we continually seek sources (in ourselves or in others) that can satisfy these needs. But only ONE SOURCE can completely and unconditionally meet those needs, and that source is Jesus.
Jesus said to the woman at the well (John 4:14):
“But whoever drinks from the water that I will give him will never get thirsty again – ever! In fact, the water I will give him will become a well of water springing up within him for eternal life.”
In the well of God’s unconditional love, I experienced true life and true joy for the first time. It’s not that everything was so horrible before then. It’s not that everything was peachy from that point on. It’s so hard to explain; it was as if a dark, cloudy filter was lifted off from my eyes…and I saw everything in clear light. I no longer was consumed with self-pity. I was excited about living and excited about how God can use me to spread His amazing love to others. For the first time since I could remember, I was thankful for my life and all that He has blessed me with. For the first time, I wanted to live my life for someone else (God) and not be so consumed with myself and my world.
I finally tasted the Living Water…and I was no longer thirsty.
Taste and see that the Lord is good.
How happy is the man who takes refuge in Him!
–Psalm 34:8
As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.
–1 Peter 5:9
Continued on Part 3…
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by BooParry | Apr 3, 2014 | #GodAdventure, FaithJourney, Key, Series
I think writing about my life story (so far) that God has carried me through is a good place to start this new season of my blog with. I hope it will help my readers to understand why my faith is so important to me.
I was born in Japan. Many people assume that most Japanese people are Buddhists. This is not untrue, but it’s not really true either. Many people in Japan practice Buddhist customs out of tradition more than faith. At least that was true for me. Our family would participate in various rituals, ceremonies, and festivals, and I never knew what any of it meant. Nobody would ever explain it to me (probably because they didn’t know themselves). We would have a small shrine of our ancestors in our homes and pray to them, because that’s just what we’ve always done. In reality, I would say most Japanese people are atheists or agnostics. They follow Buddhist customs out of tradition, but they rely on what they can rationalize for truth. Although, since I left there, I’ve heard that many people are now turning to “spiritual mentors” for guidance. From what I understand (don’t quote me on this), it’s similar to the New Age movement.
I think a lot of my perfectionism came from my Japanese culture. It was an environment, at least while I was growing up, of achieving/maintaining excellence and pleasing others. It was a culture that stressed conforming and doing your part to maintain harmony, rather than expressing yourself as an individual. I don’t want you to think it was all bad. My Japanese culture taught me some valuable virtues, such as respecting others (especially elders), living honestly, and pursuing peace, which are virtues that are becoming hard to find in the current American culture.
I always believed in God as far back as I can remember. I just didn’t know “which god” I was supposed to pray to. Many times I would pray and use names of all the gods I knew. From early on, I constantly toiled with the question, “Am I doing good enough?” On the outside, I was always “good.” But on the inside, I knew I had many faults. I remember one particular instance, I think I had forgotten to do my homework…I was praying to the gods, “Will I still make it to heaven?” Even though I acted “good” on the outside, I knew I had “bad” thoughts/feelings on the inside, such as jealousy and selfishness. So I never quite felt certain that I will “make it” to heaven when my time came.
I also remember soaking myself in self pity. I wanted my life to be “normal” like everyone else’s, but I felt that mine was so different. My mom became a single mom early on, and my grandparents raised me. During my elementary years my mom married my step-dad, and I was transferred to an English-speaking school inside a US Air Force base in Japan. It was a lot of changes to handle – meeting new people, experiencing a new culture, and learning a new language. I also found out that we’d eventually be moving to the States in a few years. Looking back, I see how this was all part of God’s plan. But while I was going through it, I remember feeling sorry for myself a lot…because I didn’t know God nor see His hand in any of it…just yet.
It’s amazing to look back and see how intricately God worked out the details of my life. I’m convinced it was no coincidence that my path eventually led straight to Him and His truth. We moved from Japan to Southern California at the beginning of my seventh grade year. I attended a school inside the military base for one week; that was all it took for my parents and me to find out that we didn’t like it. My wonderful parents found a private school for me to attend, 40 min away from the base where we lived. That’s almost three hours of commute everyday for my mom. My parents did this for four years, until my dad retired and we moved closer to the school. For this, I am so grateful. Anyway, this school that they found for me happened to be a Christian school. There, during my seventh grade year, I heard the gospel for the first time.
I love the way Ravi Zacharius puts it (he was raised as a Hindu and later converted to Christianity):
Jesus wasn’t just the best option to me; He was the only option. He provided the skin of reason to the flesh and bones of reality. His answers to life’s questions were both unique and true. No one else answered the deepest questions of the soul the way He did. And because Christianity was true, it was emotionally experienced.
–Ravi Zacharius, Walking from East to West, emphasis mine.
It was SO EASY for me to accept the gospel as Truth. Jesus was the Only One who provided simple answers to life’s questions I’ve been pondering about. It’s not that all my questions were answered. I still struggle with some parts of the Bible that are hard to understand/swallow. Jesus, however, answered the most pressing questions of my soul:
- Where did I come from? God created me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14.
- What is the purpose of my life? God has a plan for my life. I am not here by chance. Jeremiah 29:11; Philippians 1:6.
- Where am I going after I die? Is heaven real? If so, what do I have to do to get there? I was created for eternity. Heaven is real. I do not get there by my own good works; God has provided a way through His Son, Jesus. Jesus took on God’s punishment for my sins, so that I can be made right with God. If only I believe this and accept God’s free gift of grace, I will be with God forever in heaven. Ephesians 2:4-10; John 3:16.
On Easter of 1993, I took my first communion. Since then, I have not found any other truth to replace the truth I found in the gospel. No other person or religion or philosophy has been able to answer the above questions like He did. Jesus is it. He is the way, the truth, and the life…no one comes to the Father except through Him (John 14:6).
Continued on Part 2…
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