Funny that I’m using the term “New Year” when it’s already mid-March. My last post was in October of 2013, so yes, life has been busy!
But I am sooo ready to get back into the blogging world. I hope my readers (and some new ones) are ready to jump back on the journey with me!
A quick recap of 2013 – I started out the year with my goal of being “TRUTHFUL” (click on link to read my post on this). 2013 has taken me on an unbelievable journey. First, it was a journey of trying to be more truthful in my interactions with people close to me (instead of always trying to please them). Then in the second half of the year, life took some unexpected turns and the word “truthful” took on a different meaning. I came to a place where I had to face some “truths” about myself. This was very hard and humbling. It’s actually a process that’s still going on, and when I’m ready, I will be sure to blog all about it. Then towards end of the year, God brought me to a place of true WORSHIP. He reminded me that being TRUTHFUL – being TRUE to myself – was really about fulfilling the ultimate purpose for my life…which is to be a WORSHIPER of God. I was created to WORSHIP. This is my true identity. This is where I can be the most truthful – to myself, to God, and to others.
I know it’s pretty vague – but I had to write that for myself as a quick summary of 2013. Again, I will write more on all this later.
This brings me to 2014. For the past few years, I have sought God to give me a word that sort of describes my goal/mission for the year. This year, it couldn’t fit into a single word. My phrase this year is “In His Presence.” This year, perhaps more than ever, I need His presence. I need it constantly. I need it every minute of every hour. I NEED Him. I want to be more intentional about staying in His presence…being in sweet communion with Him constantly. It’s so necessary yet so hard to do, especially as a mother of three!
Blogging really helps me to be in His presence…because most of the time when I blog, I’m reflecting on something He has taught me in the past or is currently teaching me. I am reminded of His goodness and His faithfulness as I reflect on my life experiences.
Some changes…
In addition to a new blog design (a BIG thanks to my friend from Blue Yonder Design), I want to make some changes to my blog. I felt like I was all over the place with this blog. I want to concentrate on specific topics at a time (maybe write 2-3 posts in a row on a particular topic), instead of picking a topic randomly and moving on to something else on the next post.
Here are some topic series that I have in mind….
How to choose the right kind of spouse
Practical tips on raising a strong-willed child
Practical tips on helping your children develop loving sibling relationships
How to effectively communicate with your spouse
In a nutshell, I want to make my blog more focused and practical.
I think every housewife/mom can relate to these moments. Moments when you feel undervalued, under-appreciated, and overworked. Dishes. Laundry. Diaper changes. Cooking. Serving. Driving. More dishes. More laundry. Husband comes home late from a hard day at work. But oh, do not tell me about a hard day…thanks to you being late, my hard day was made longer. Let’s talk ungrateful kids. I take all this time to plan our weekly menu, picking out what’s healthy yet yummy, go grocery shopping, do all the prep work, and even bake my own bread, only for them to tell me, “Mommy, I don’t like it.” Really!? Then there’s the hair. Oh the hair. My Goliath that I have to face every morning. They complain that it hurts. I can’t get them to be still. Their frustration turns into my frustration and vice versa. At the end of it, even Allan is frustrated listening to all this madness taking place. He blurts out, “You know, you really should figure something else out for hair…maybe something easier.” WRONG COMMENT, Buddy!!! Your non-morning-person of a wife, who was already hot, just got hotter (and I don’t mean in an attractive way). My breaking point was this: in midst of all this frustration, Peanut asked me to help her put on her socks. I stopped all the housework I was doing (for them, mind you), and helped her put her socks on. They were really tight, so it took me a few minutes. Afterwards, instead of a “thank you,” what I received was: “They’re too tight.” That was it. I was done. I just walked into my bedroom, took all the self-control I had to not slam the door behind me, and went into my closet to defuse. I didn’t have to explain anything to Allan. He knew he had to take over from there.
After Allan came home from dropping Peanut off at school, we had a heart-to-heart over coffee (as we always do when I have these moments). I sobbed and told him how I truly felt (as I always do at these heart-to-heart conversations). “It’s like I’m trying so hard and nothing gets appreciated. Instead, what’s always pointed out is something wrong that I’m doing.” I hate these moments…because the “ME monster” in me comes out and can’t be restrained. What about ME? Think about ME. ME. ME. ME! Yet I can’t help it sometimes. Allan is always so gracious with me, calmly listening and taking in what I have to say. He even apologized for the hair comment earlier; he said he was only trying to help. I already knew that. I told him I’m just irritated…and I’m venting. He prayed for me.
I then went into the bedroom and opened a book that I’ve been reading. It happened to be on a chapter that spoke to the very place where I was at. I love how God does this…all the time.
The chapter was about bowing our work to God in worship. Doing every task, no matter how small or mundane, as an act of worship to God. Here are some quotes that I read that day:
“To work is to worship; to worship is to work.”
“Lord, let each task…diaper changes, preparing meals, washing clothes, answering my two-year-old’s endless questions…be done as an act of worship to you.”
“Do your best. Work from the heart for your real Master, for God, confident that you’ll get paid in full when you come into your inheritance. Keep in mind always that the ultimate Master you’re serving is Christ.” Colossians 3:23-24 The Message Bible
“He sees and values all that you do when you do it for Him.”
“We feel that we must achieve to feel significant, but God says, ‘Be faithful in your work, my daughter, and you will find significance in my sight.'”
“In God’s eyes, there is no division between the scared and the secular. He is the Creator of all. ALL your work is important to Him! He is in all, over all, and longs for you to glorify Him in all…for you to lift up your work as worship to Him.”
“Work becomes sacred based on how we perform it.”
I hate cleaning. Absolutely hate it. But I do it, with my youngest daughter following me around with a duster, with worship music on full blast. This is my sacred act of worship.
I am an introvert and would rather spend all day working on a project or writing or reading. But I pick myself up, go over next week’s meal plan, and start making my grocery list (I would much rather be using that same laptop to blog!). It’s all for God. This is the spot, this is the role, this is the season He has entrusted me with. It will never come back again. Every little act of service I do for my family is ultimately for God. It all becomes my sacred act of worship.
Since then, I try to remember this truth: in God’s eyes, there is no division between sacred and secular…between mundane and significant. When it’s done for God’s glory, it all becomes sacred and significant.
God really wanted me to know that on that day. If you can relate to the kind of day I described, I know He wants you to know that, too. When you feel undervalued, HE sees great value in you AND your work. When you feel under-appreciated, HE wants to shout, “THANK YOU…for taking care of My children (husband included). P.S. You are also increasing your inheritance in heaven.”
I think it’s OK to have one of those crazy moments…when we can no longer hold in our frustrations. But always, I find my way back to resting my soul in the presence of God. That’s what I did on this day, and Jesus sweetly whispered to me, “Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me” (Matthew 25:40).
Last month was the 10th anniversary of my big move from California to Florida. My new life in Florida began on August 21, 2003.
This made me think of who I was 10 years ago…and who I am now.
ME 10 years ago:
-Young (Boy, was I young! 23 years old. I had no clue how “young” I really was back then, or how much freedom I had to enjoy, haha.)
-Shy, scared to talk to new people
-Homesick for California
-Moved back in with my parents
-Loved God…but also looking for my future mate to fill my needs and desires. I was so anxious for “my happily ever after” to arrive!
-Loved to journal and play with photos
-Not a big reader
-Not a kid person, although I knew I wanted a big family someday
ME now:
-Married for 7 years
-Three daughters
-Just returned from China to adopt our new daughter
-Led numerous small groups (parenting and MOPS groups). Love to speak/teach in front of people.
-Love God more than ever…knows He is the One who fills ALL of my needs and desires.
-Learning more about truly becoming who I was created to be…a worshiper of God, not just in songs but also with every detail of my life.
-Love to blog and play with photos
-Love to read
Life lessons learned….
By being married to my husband, I have learned the true meaning of LOVE. LOVE is not a romantic happily ever after, but a daily choice to say “I do.” Marriage is an opportunity TO LOVE and serve. Opportunity to grow. Yes, it has many happy, joyful moments full of laughter. But there are tough times as well, and God MUST be our rock.
By being a mother to Peanut, I learned more about FAITH (which also happens to be her middle name). Motherhood is not a constant blissful season that I dreamed of. It’s a constant LEANING on God to guide me with wisdom. Constant test of faith (especially when blessed with a strong-willed child!): to stay consistent even if I don’t see the fruit right away, continue to have FAITH in the BIG plans God has for my child, and continue to parent towards the future.
By being a mother to LittleBit, I have experienced so much JOY. There is so much joy in parenting. The “oh you are so cute” moments really make all the frustrations from the day disappear. I’m learning to find joy in the little things. I’m learning to take a break from the busyness of life…and just ENJOY the blessings that are all around me.
Within these past two months of being a mother to Mini-Lu, I’ve been a recipient of abundant GRACE. It’s not about being a perfect mom who has it all together. Sometimes I mess up…badly. Sometimes my children show goodness “in spite of” my parenting and not “because of” my parenting. But even in this, God is whispering to me, “It’s OK. You will mess up sometimes. But keep trying. Keep learning. Keep growing. Keep leaning on Me to be the mom I have created you to be.” With each new child, God enlarges my capacity. He also shows me GRACE through my children. Often times, they are so much more gracious than I am. They are so resilient and forgiving. Their love and trust in me do not waver. Everyday, I receive a dosage of God’s GRACE through my children, and most especially through Mini-Lu.
I love my life. Oh, how I love my life. It’s not always easy. I have many more days of feeling exhausted, frustrated, and out-of-control than I did ten years ago. But I would not trade this life for what I had. No, definitely not. I have more gray hairs and wrinkles…and my nails are hardly ever polished. But…I have gained so much more wisdom, love, joy, and strength on the inside…through all that God has allowed me to experience in the last ten years. Most importantly, Jesus is more real to me than ever before.
Here’s the biggest lesson I learned in the last 10 years. 10 years ago, I was chasing after my perfect sandcastle…my happily ever after. 10 years later, I’ve learned…it’s when my own sandcastle is SMASHED, when I’m broken, and when I’m so very aware of how imperfect I am…these are the times I run the fastest into the arms of my Father. In midst of this sweet surrender, I finally find my “happily ever after”: my heart so engulfed by His love that I don’t know whose heartbeat I’m listening to…mine or His.
No, I wouldn’t trade this Divine Romance for any other kind of life this world may have to offer.
A little over two weeks ago, I became a mother of three.
I feel like hyperventilating just by reading that sentence I just typed.
Not only did I become a mother of three, but because our third came by way of adoption, I’m all of a sudden a mother of 5-, 3-, and 2-year-olds. Instead of having two kids and a baby, I definitely have three kids. Three little kids.
Since my teenage years, I’ve wanted to have a big family. It was one of my sandcastles – to have a big family of my own. My husband and I don’t know yet how “big” our family will end up being. Currently though, this feels pretty big.
Here’s the kicker though – I’m not a kid person. I mean, not at all. I don’t have that natural gift of relating to and having fun with kids.
I didn’t spend a lot of time with kids growing up. I spent time with my grandparents, my parents and their friends, and my cousins who were three and six years older. I never liked being around little kids. I never babysat.
This week, I found myself having a lot of doubts. What was I thinking? Maria, you KNOW you’re not good at this. You’re an introvert, and you’re not FUN with kids like your husband or CREATIVE with kids like your other mommy/teacher friends. How did you think you were going to enjoy this?
I know that some of these doubts are coming from lack of sleep (jetlag) and difficulties of adjusting to my new life. Change has never been easy for me. I’m your typical “I want things to stay the same and comfortable” kind of gal. I found out this week that you get the “baby blues” even when a new child comes through adoption.
I also know, that part of the problem is (once again) my perfectionist tendencies. I want to be that mom who loves being around children and who loves to play with them. I also want to be that mom who keeps her house in order and has well-behaved children.
I know what you all want to say: “Good luck!” “Don’t we all.” “Stop trying to be perfect.” Before you send me all those messages on how high my expectations are and how I shouldn’t feel this way, let me remind you that this is just my natural tendency. It doesn’t mean this is how I want to feel or that I’m striving to be perfect. Remember, my blog is all about “how a perfectionist like me navigates through her imperfect life; how she learns to let go of her ideals and embrace the God-given purpose instead.”
So I’m currently in the process of smashing another sandcastle.
This intro post of a popular blogger really helped me to find more freedom from my perfectionism.
“I am really disorganized, I don’t make my bed, and I yell at my kids too much. I don’t garden, sew, craft, or read – so you’ll rarely find anything about those topics here. I don’t do so many things, so when you read my stories, look at my photos, and bookmark my recipes, I hope you see a girl who shares what she does well, but is hopelessly flawed in many other ways.”
It was a good reminder to me that it’s OK to admit the things I’m not. I’m not a kid person. Meaning…rarely you will find me rolling around on the floor or getting dirty with my kids. It doesn’t mean I won’t ever do it. It just means that’s really not a natural part of who I am. But I do like to read to them. I like to take pictures of them. I like to journal and keep up with their physical, emotional, cognitive, and spiritual developments. I like to write down the prayers I pray for them. I like to capture sweet memories and preserve them in creative forms.
I don’t like to do children’s crafts (I only like to do my own crafty projects). But I praise their work like crazy whenever they make something on their own or with someone else. I love to give them encouragement and affirmation. I also give a lot of instruction and correction. I’m not good at joining in on their pretend plays, but I constantly have my eyes and ears open so that I can steer them to speak to one another with kind words, always. I’m not good at making up songs for them, but I love listening to and singing worship songs with them in the car, no matter how tone-deaf we are. They also love it when I sing “You are My Sunshine” to them.
Even if I’m not always the “fun” parent, I’m confident that my girls know how much I love and adore them.
I also know…that I may not be “in my zone” during this season, but a time is coming. I’m very much relationship-oriented, and as the girls get older I know I will enjoy talking for hours on end with them about the things that matter…you know, like boys and such 🙂 As a matter of fact, it was when I spent time with another family during their children’s teenage years that first gave me the desire to have a big family of my own.
I know that it’s not about perfection. I know that it’s about balance and growth. Most importantly, it’s about relying on my God who knows the end from the beginning. He has chosen ME, out of all the women He could have chosen, to be the mother to my three girls. He loves my girls more than I ever could, and He believed I was the best choice for them. So I must be enough. With His help and guidance, I’m more than enough.
I don’t know if I will ever be the “fun” parent, but I’m learning to “have fun” with my girls more. I’m learning to take it one day at a time. I’m well aware of things I need to improve on. I’m learning to be more aware of things I excel in. I’m learning to invest in things I’m naturally good at and enjoy.
I’m learning to admit who I’m not – and appreciate who God made me and who He’s helping me to become.
We all enter marriage with an optimistic view. We enter with some sort of a sandcastle-type image of what our marriage will look like. In our vows, we exchange words such as “my best friend,” “my life’s companion,” “my true love,” and “together forever.” When we’re standing at the altar, not many of us think of the hard times we may face in our marriage. No, we’re dreaming of all the good times. We’re picturing eternal bliss. That’s why, at the altar, it’s easy to vow the words “until death do us part.”
After the wedding comes the honeymoon. But shortly after the honeymoon…life happens. You both thought you were so great at meeting each other’s needs and desires. Then, one day, you have a really bad day…and you’re waiting for your spouse to help you feel better. Little did you know, he also had a really bad day (maybe worse than yours), and he’s anxiously waiting for you to help him feel better. When you see each other, you both quickly discover that your expectations are not being met. You’re disappointed. Disappointment turns into self-pity; self-pity turns into resentment. Before long, you’re thinking to yourself: This is not how I thought it was going to look like.
Jesus knew exactly what it was going to look like, when He decided to enter into a love relationship with humanity. He knew we’d have many bad days. He knew we’d betray Him. He knew we’d reject Him. He knew we’d disappoint Him. But He came anyway. He served anyway. He loved anyway. He gave His all for us anyway. The Bible compares earthly marriage covenant to the divine covenant between Christ and the church. There’s nothing He didn’t give. He completely set Himself aside for the sake of those He loved. His love was characterized by humility.
The longer I’m married, the more I’m convinced of this truth. Most of us have a wrong idea about the goal of marriage. The primary goal of marriage is not happiness. The primary goal of marriage is that we learn to love like Jesus. Marriage provides a great opportunity for us to grow in this area. I experience this opportunity daily. It’s hard, extremely hard, to put my needs and desires aside. Trust me, I know how hard it is; I grew up as an only child! Let’s think about this again. After I have a bad day with the kids, I anxiously wait for Allan to come home, hoping (actually pretty much expecting) he will take over. He’s late. I’m irritated. He finally comes home. Not only is he late, he’s irritated over something that happened at work. Wait a minute! What gives him the right? It’s my turn! Who, in their natural state of mind, can at that moment set aside their own frustrations and instead focus on meeting the needs of their spouse? Yet what better opportunity can there be to practice what Jesus did for us? I know I can’t, not with my own strength. I not only need Christ’s example to follow, I need His power and grace daily to love like He did.
I have not conquered this skill…not even in the least. But I am committed to growing. I’m committed because Christ made the same commitment to me. “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). Thankfully, I’m married to a man who is also committed to this goal. He’s actually way better at expressing unselfish love than I am. We both still have so much more room to grow. Yet what we’re discovering is this: when we focus on the primary goal God has for marriage (learning to love like Christ), then the other goal we had for ourselves (happiness) comes as a natural by-product. No, everyday is not perfect…but for the most part, we are sincerely happy and we enjoy our marriage immensely.
Of course, I’m not referring at all to being a doormat or tolerating abuse/infidelity from your spouse. I’m simply referring to everyday opportunities that come in marriage, when we can either act out of selfishness or choose to place the other person before us. This can easily apply to other relationships as well. Marriage, in my opinion, gives us the most amount of opportunity. And it’s a lifelong opportunity. When we keep this goal in mind, with God as our help, we can vow the words “until death do us part” and never break the promise.
May we grow to love with a love like His…
Don’t act out of selfish ambition or be conceited. Instead, humbly think of others as being better than yourselves. Don’t be concerned only about your own interests, but also be concerned about the interests of others. Have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.
Although he was in the form of God and equal with God, he did not take advantage of this equality. Instead, he emptied himself by taking on the form of a servant, by becoming like other humans, by having a human appearance. He humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, death on a cross. Philippians 2:3-8
The following is a journal entry from seven years ago, when Allan and I were engaged. To this day, our dating and engagement period has been the toughest season we have faced in our relationship by far. We were constantly faced with conflicts caused by fears, opposite personalities, and unrealistic expectations, as we learned to communicate and do life together.
This particular entry was written on March 18, 2006.
“Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.” Psalm 126:5-6
This is the passage You showed me last night. It has been a very tough battle/challenge these last few days.
I go through a great turmoil when reality doesn’t match my ideal. Relationship is hard. It’s hard to share my life with another imperfect person…and it’s even harder to realize how imperfect I am and have my imperfections be exposed to the other person. It’s hard to face conflicts or disappointments…and to learn how to communicate through them. When conflict happens on a regular basis, I get so exhausted.
I see how pleasant I am around other people (besides him). I realize how much I’ve enjoyed that…and I really miss it. Sometimes I’m hesitant to see him at night or answer his call because I’m afraid the worst part of me will come out again, just because things didn’t go exactly the way I wanted. This also clashes with my ideal that I shouldn’t feel this way about spending time with my fiancé. This whole challenge clashes with my ideal that I’m not supposed to be such a difficult person to deal with. The cycle just keeps getting worse.
It does, however, bring me back to my knees. I remember that You are always here to rescue me from this endless cycle of doubts, fears, and over-analyzing. I keep coming back to a place of faith. It’s my faith that’s being easily attacked, even intimidated, which is causing all this fear. I come back to the realization that I need more faith. More faith in God, who has never failed me, who promises to never leave me. More faith in Allan, who has stuck by my side so faithfully thus far…who has expressed so much love for God and for me. More faith in this relationship that has been given to us from God, where we can complement each other and glorify God more powerfully together than on our own. More faith in myself…who, after truly accepting God’s love, have always found my way back to Him. Who, with His help, have been able to endure any trial and challenge without giving up. Who have consistently sought His will and His guidance for me and my future family.
Last night and this morning, You brought me to a place of total surrender. I kept having crazy thoughts of what if the wedding has to be postponed or canceled…how would I face everyone. You reminded me that You’re the only One I ultimately answer to. I have given You full reign over my life. I need to be willing to leave everything in Your hands – the wedding, the marriage, everything. And I must be willing to give it up if You ask me to. It won’t make sense to me at all, but the command to sacrifice Isaac didn’t make sense to Abraham either. But through his faith and total surrender, Your glory was revealed…and You brought the sweetest victory for him. It will be the same for me. I will always choose You, Lord. Everything I have belongs to You. Where You call me to, I will go. What You want to take from me, it’s Yours. What You ask me to do, I’ll do. I long for this kind of heart always. May I always seek Your face.
I desire to hold the gifts You give me with open hands. I want my life to reveal Your glory and goodness. This morning, as I was on my knees, all I could let out with my voice was, “I surrender, I surrender, I surrender…everything to You.”
I do surrender all…it’s not I who live, but Christ living in me. May that be true to every part of my being. I will face every trial necessary, whatever it takes, for me to fulfill Your will and purpose.
My faith, my love, my undying devotion to my God. This is the legacy I desire to leave to my children and for a thousand generations to come. I want them to know that I sought after God with all of my heart…and that I always found Him.
You have brought me an amazing partner to share this journey with. We seek Your guidance, every step of the way.
As I read this and ponder back, I can see that from this place of surrender, God began an amazing work in and through our relationship, which is still unfolding today. As the verse at the beginning says, the seeds of our relationship were sown with tears, and now we are reaping the harvest with indescribable joy. When I give it all to God, He takes it and gives it back a hundred fold. My life is a living example of that…time and time again. I will testify to this truth until my dying breath: surrendering to Jesus always brings the sweetest victory. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s true. It’s true.
I have decided to follow Jesus;
No turning back, no turning back.
Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.
The world behind me, the cross before me;
No turning back, no turning back.
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.
Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
No turning back, no turning back.
