by BooParry | Jul 31, 2018 | #SecondJourney, FaithJourney, Series
Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash
*This post was written in May & June of 2018…finally getting around to posting.
I’m writing today from a place of…peaceful grieving. I’m grieving over the end of a certain season, and I’m grieving over the end (for now) of a certain friendship. Both have taught me a lot about myself, relationships, and life. I’m also at peace because I know that both have served its purpose for the time being, on my end and on theirs. If I can go back, as painful as some moments were, I wouldn’t change the way I embraced the season and the friendship.
The Season:
In this season I became extremely jaded of cliques. I’ve always disliked them (maybe I never got over the trauma from early teenage years). I also became jaded of performances and regularly scheduled programs when it came to anything relating to spirituality. I call it my mid-Christian life crisis. I know that during this time, I made some unfair assumptions with my black-or-white, all-or-nothing way of thinking. But God also used this time to bring a spiritual awakening (I like to call it a “spiritual snap”) in my life. I no longer wanted to be complacent and comfortable with just staying within familiar boundaries, running our programs, and checking things off the list. I wanted something more, something different. I wanted a community like what I read about in the book of Acts. The community always had room for non-people and new people. I mean, not just invite them in to be part of a “program” but invite them in to be a part of their lives. Where ordinary people mattered. Where non-popular people mattered. Where people who were different mattered. The community made time and space for deeper (beyond-surface-level) connections to take place. My soul longs for this type of community.
It took some time, but I allowed God to transition my feelings of jadedness into a peaceful resolution. I knew that this particular season was coming to an end, and I believe I was able to end it well.
The Friendship:
This one took a long time to process. The pain is still fresh. One of the qualities that I believe that I have, that I always took pride in, is being a loyal friend. I was an only child, so I always valued close friendships. Once I feel that a deeper level of friendship has been established, I make a lot of effort to stay in touch and nurture the friendship. I’ve always said that my family and my friends are my greatest treasures. But sometimes, as in any relationship, unexpected curveballs are thrown and things get complicated. Wounds are inflicted on each other, often unintentionally. Both sides are left feeling hurt, rejected, and misunderstood. It’s hard. In midst of this mess, however, God is showing me something about myself – perhaps I took too much pride in my own ability to be a good friend. Sometimes, I’m not going to be the one who can be there to help. I’m not always able to be the “good friend” that I want to be for others. I realized with this one particular friendship, we are not in a place where we can share a healthy relationship with each other. However much I may want to, I can’t be the person who can help her at this time. What stings the most is that to her, it looks like rejection and abandonment from me (which is what I hate the most for someone else to feel from me). Again, God is reminding me to let go of the ideals I have created for myself, or what’s even harder, to let go of the ideal image that I want others to have of me. OUCH, this is so incredibly hard for me. Through this ordeal, I realized how much I care about what others think of me. God is helping to “prune” me so that I can cut off this need in my life. He is enough. How He views me, cares for me, and treasures me is enough…always. I don’t need to be seen as the “good friend” to everyone. I only need to remember Who I belong to…whose child I am.
His ever-sufficient grace is often revealed through our inadequacies. His purpose is often revealed when things don’t go according to our plans. His strength is made perfect in our weaknesses. I still believe, and continually pray, that God’s beauty will be revealed through this mess…in time.
For now, I am allowing myself to experience this peaceful grieving. Life is hard. It’s difficult to let go of our plans, our comfort zones, and our ideals. However, I look back on the previous chapters of my life, and as hard as it was to close some of them, God always had new adventures waiting for me. I am hopeful for the next chapters He has in store for me, for my family, for our new community, for our old community, and for my friend. My peaceful grieving will slowly transition into hope-filled beginning of a new chapter.
by BooParry | Oct 30, 2017 | #SecondJourney, FaithJourney, Key, Series
Photo by Matt Howard on Unsplash
Something is happening.
I feel that I’m falling deeper, yet I’m not afraid.
I feel that it’s so much bigger than I can handle, yet I’m not overwhelmed.
I feel that I’m experiencing some sort of…rebirth. An awakening…of my soul, of my true self.
God, could it be, that you are closing the chapters of my smaller stories? Are you closing my morning program, as You transition me into a life that accomplishes more of my true purpose?
Brennan Manning calls this the second journey.
For the Christian, the second journey is often accompanied by a second call from the Lord Jesus. The second call invites us to serious reflection on the nature and quality of our faith in the gospel of grace, our hope in the new and not yet, and our love for God and people. The second call is a summons to a deeper, more mature commitment of faith where the naiveté, first fervor, and untested idealism of the morning and the first commitment have been seasoned with pain, rejection, failure, loneliness, and self-knowledge.
–Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel
I should give a little bit of a background story. I’ve been in a season of “desert experience” for a few years now, and my soul has been in some dark places (see post God Showed Up Bigger). I think it’s similar to the season in the wilderness that the Israelites experienced after they left Egypt, before they reached the Promise Land. I have become very acquainted with the words described above: pain, rejection, failure, loneliness, and realization that I have been relying on self-knowledge and my own abilities. This humbling experience has caused me to cling to God tighter. The waves of the storm have been high, and I needed the security of my Anchor more than ever before. As always, when I seek God more, He takes me deeper. Deeper experience of His love. Greater awareness of His presence. Clearer understanding of His perspective. I’ve had similar experiences like this before, but not to this magnitude. Because this current storm has been the toughest (not to mention the longest) I’d ever faced, the awakening experience has been more real, more revealing, and more powerful than ever before.
I am the Way, I am the Truth, and I am the Life.
–John 14:6, The Passion Translation
Recently I heard this profound truth regarding the above statement made by Jesus during a retreat I attended. “Heaven is the reward. Destination is the Love of the Father.” Heaven is not the destination; it’s just the cherry on top that happens to last for eternity. The prodigal son thought the destination was his father’s house. His plan was to beg to return there as a servant. He didn’t know that his true destination was the love of his Daddy. “I am the Way….” To where? To the love of the Father. That’s my destination. Jesus will take me there, always.
Brennan Manning confirms that this is precisely what the second call (mentioned earlier) asks: Do you really accept the message that God is head over heels in love with you?
Jesus also says, “I am the Life.” This part…I’m finally starting to understand and experience it. He is the Life. I have no life apart from Him. The life I had built for myself – the sandcastles I had built – had to be torn down. God needed to take away all the pseudo stories I wrote for myself and turn them all upside down, so that I can finally live the real story God has in store for me. My pseudo stories had the wrong theme…trying to make my life look good on my own. The true theme of my story is, and will always be, discovering deeper the love of my Father and living my life out of that love. The second journey calls me to truly live, in freedom.
A thief has only one thing in mind—he wants to steal, slaughter, and destroy. But I came to give you everything in abundance, more than you expected—life in its fullness until you overflow!
–John 10:10, The Passion Translation
Back to this retreat I went on. I had a taste of this “fullness.” I tangibly experienced the deep, intimate affection of God in my body, soul, and spirit. I experienced the gentle presence of Jesus. I was overwhelmed by it all, but He gently whispered to me, “There’s so much more I want to show you. So much more of My love to be lived out, even (especially) back in your everyday life.” I am meant to fully live a life of discovering beauty, intimacy (deep affection), and adventure (sacred romance)…not just for a few days in the most ideal retreat setting but in my everyday life.
I don’t want to live in my pseudo-stories anymore. I am the prodigal daughter, and I am my Father’s delight. That alone causes me to dance…to burst in joy. My heart can’t contain it all…and I don’t want to contain it.
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn’t earn it
I don’t deserve it
Still You give yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
There’s no shadow You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up
Coming after me
There’s no wall You won’t kick down
No lie You won’t tear down
Coming after me
–Bethel Music, “Reckless Love”
His love chases me. I have finally moved beyond head knowledge to heart knowledge of this truth: I am the lost sheep, I am the prodigal daughter. His love chased me until I was found and brought me home. He left the ninety-nine…for me.
Oh, this reckless love…I can’t contain it. It won’t allow me to remain the same. It leads me to greater beauty He has for me, to deeper intimacy, to a wilder adventure…and He wants me to experience all of it, now, everyday. I hope to share some of this “second journey” with you in the coming posts.
I have no idea what the second journey holds…but I do know the destination.
Beloved, you are Home, in My arms.
Papa, I come running to You. I throw myself in Your arms. I am HOME. There is nowhere else I want to be, ever. Stay with me, always.
