by BooParry | Jul 9, 2014 | #Siblings, Key, Parenting, Series
Continued from Part 1 and Part 2…
I just have a couple of more things I’d like to address on this topic.
I’d like to go back to the General Principle #4 from Part 1.
Balance their time together and time apart.
As I stated on my last post, I think it’s important as parents to monitor if our children have too much time to spend together or not enough. I believe either of those extremes can cause more conflicts between siblings. Case in point. Last week, my two older girls participated in a drama camp at my oldest’s school. They had a lot of fun, but they were with each other (without the youngest sibling or their parents) for 6 hours everyday for a whole week. When they came home each day, I noticed that they were bickering at each other often. During that week, I separated them and had them play on their own for a while (usually in their rooms) after they came home. This week, the same older two girls attended Vacation Bible School. The hours were much shorter (3 hours a day), and each was assigned to a different group at VBS. They hardly saw each other at all. I noticed this made a huge difference in how well they got along after they came home. I hardly heard any bickering at all. This confirmed my belief that too much time spent together can lead to more conflicts.
Here are some specific ways I try to structure how much time they spend together:
Blanket/Room Time
This is another concept I learned from Growing Kids God’s Way by Gary & Anne Marie Ezzo. I think this is especially useful for homeschooling moms whose children are home all day. Simply put, it’s structuring time for them to play/read on their own…either on a blanket (for toddlers) or in their room (for older kids). I do this regularly with my three children, and it’s become a normal routine for them. It usually lasts about 45 minutes (I set the timer on). During that time, the house is pretty much silent. Each child is playing by herself with her set of toys (for my youngest, I place a few toys on her blanket). Sometimes my older ones go in their rooms with books to read. This teaches them how to keep themselves entertained, and it also helps them to be more focused and be creative. The additional benefit I found is that this time apart from one another helps them to appreciate the time they do get to spend together. Usually, once they reunite and start playing after their blanket/room time, they are able to play nicely together and enjoy their time together without conflicts.
“Settle down” time after school
This goes along with the above concept, but it’s specifically for the time after school pick-up. I believe many children need a little time to “unwind” from all the social activities of the day. When my oldest began attending school, my second daughter would be so excited for her to get out of school and play with her, only to find herself being snubbed by her older sister. I realized that many times my oldest was not ready to jump right into playing with her sister after being with her friends all day. What helped was to give my oldest some time to “settle down” (either by having a little alone time or watching a short show), before she dived into playing with her sisters.
Different extracurricular activities (as your situation allows)
My oldest definitely has the most dominant personality out of my three children. My second child is drama, but she’s also very much a follower. She’s perfectly content following the lead of my oldest (for the most part). I began to realize that this dynamic in their relationship caused my second child to become socially dependent on my oldest. My second child would often be too afraid or shy to play with other kids, unless my oldest was with her. What helped for us in this situation was to force my second child to become more involved with other children without her sister. For example, she began attending preschool. She also began participating in dance class, instead of participating in gymnastics like her sister. I understand that finding a different extracurricular activity for each child may be difficult for most families. But if at all possible, I think different hobbies/interests will help to develop each child’s individuality.
Ways to create MORE time together
So far I’ve discussed ways to structure their time apart. Sometimes, though, conflicts and rivalry can result from siblings having too much time apart. This may be common for children who attend traditional school system, five days a week. If they have extracurricular activities also, there’s hardly any time left in the day to spend with their siblings. I believe this is where parents must strategize and work hard to protect their “family time,” by not involving their children in too many activities or birthday parties and maximizing the time they have together. For example, if there are chores to be done after school or on weekends, have the siblings work on them together. Set a “family time” after dinner where no electronics are allowed; it’s a time specifically set aside to enjoy being together (by playing board games, going on a walk, reading stories, etc.). I also think it’s important to set some time during the week for siblings to spend time one-on-one with another sibling. The first hour of my youngest’s nap time is a time set aside for my two older kids to play together by themselves. Another way to accomplish this is for one sibling to help mom with chores or read with mom while the other two plays, and take turns. I think the one-on-one time together is crucial in building a strong friendship.
I hope some of these suggestions were helpful in giving you some ideas on how to cultivate loving sibling relationships. Again, if there’s something specific that has worked for your family, please share by commenting on this post.
Last but not least, I can’t emphasize the power of prayer enough. Ultimately, God is the One who formed and knows their hearts. He also desires your children to develop long-lasting friendships with one another. Entrust your parenting journey under His care and guidance, and you can’t go wrong.
by BooParry | Jun 9, 2014 | #Siblings, Key, Parenting, Series
I’d like to dissect further the general principle #3 from my previous post:
Supervise their interactions and address their heart issue.
What does this look like on a day-to-day basis?
Don’t ignore the small stuff
Like I mentioned, I started in very small ways, such as teaching them to ask their sibling politely versus telling them what to do. If I hear Peanut say to LittleBit, “Hand me that toy,” I would instruct her to rephrase it as a question: “Would you please hand me that toy?” Or one may say, “Go over there,” and I would redirect her to say, “Can you please go over there?” I wanted to ingrain this truth in my children: show respect and kindness over being rude, mean, or bossy. I not only paid attention to what they said but how they said it. I paid attention to small sly remarks one would make at another. For example, one may quietly blurt out, “I finished first” or “I have more than you.” I would remind her that it’s not a race/competition and to refrain from making those comments that are only meant to make the other person feel sad.
Teach them to respect each other’s properties
In our house there are “community toys” that are open for all and there are other toys that specifically belong to each child. All the smaller individual toys are kept in each child’s special “box.” Each child must ask permission from its owner before she is allowed to use the toy. Even our youngest, MiniLu, has learned to ask, “Sissy, me please?” as she points to a particular toy that belongs to her sister. This has significantly decreased the time they spend fighting over toys.
Address the heart issue
From my experience, this is key. If I am just correcting their behavior and not reaching their heart, it’s pointless. Whenever I correct them on what they say/do to their sibling, I always direct them to examine their heart. Lately, whenever my middle child doesn’t want to do what my oldest suggests, my oldest will try to make her feel “left out” by saying she will then play with MiniLu (youngest). I address her heart immediately. “Do you think you said that out of a good heart or a bad heart?” “Do you think what you said gave your sister a happy heart or a sad heart?” I constantly try to reinforce this principle: if something was said with the intention of making the other person feel sad/bad, then it was not said out of love. This leads me to the all too common issue of tattling.
Tattling. One truth I learned about tattling is that the more I respond to the tattling, the more likely they will come back to tattle again. My first strategy with tattling is to not respond with any sense of emergency (unless it is an emergency, of course, such as physical violence). I again address the heart. “Did you ask your sister to please stop doing that? Did you express to her how that makes you feel?” Basically I’m asking, “Did you give your sister the opportunity to correct herself and do good?” If the answer is no, I immediately have her go back to her sister. I encourage her to ask her sister nicely, “Could you please stop coloring on my page, I don’t like it?” or “Remember Mommy does not want you to jump on the couch. Could you please stop?”
Other times, I may just say, “You two work it out together nicely. If you can’t, you need to clean up and spend some time apart.”
With these methods in place, we don’t seem to experience much tattling around the house anymore (knock on wood!).
Teach them to ask for forgiveness
I think this one still relates to the heart issue. We’ve learned from some wise parenting resources that just saying “sorry” often does not reach a child’s heart. I recently heard my oldest explain our house rule to another adult: “If something was an accident, we say ‘Sorry,’ but if something was done on purpose, we say ‘Will you forgive me?’”
This is our usual procedure. If one of them did some kind of harm to her sibling with bad intention, I direct her to think it over in her room. I often go in to talk to her about the “heart issue.” Afterwards, when things are much calmer, I direct her to ask for her sibling’s forgiveness. If she just says, “Will you forgive me?” I encourage her to go further by admitting to what she did wrong. “Will you forgive me for ________ ?” Always, 100% of the time, the other sibling responds with “Yes, I will.” I believe this provides opportunities for a much more genuine restoration than the offender just blurting out, “Sorry.”
If things are already escalated, give them a time-out
Once in a while, things still get out of hand and escalate into a full blowout. If I was already in the middle of something, it’s easy for me to get frustrated and join in on the blowout by being angry at them, adding fuel to fire. These are times when we all, including Mommy, need a time-out. I ask each of them to go to their room until they are calm. This gives me time for me to diffuse as well. I then go talk to each child individually to hear each side of the story.
Exaggerate the positive, Provide opportunities for them to show love
As closely as I pay attention to the smallest incidents that need correction, I also try to pay just as much (if not more) attention to the smallest incidents that can be praised. “Wow, you just helped your sister. Great job.” “Thank you for sharing your toy, that makes your sister so happy.” Sometimes I hear one of them praise the other for her artwork. I immediately say, “Wow, that was so kind of you to encourage your sister like that.”
I also help them discover different ways they can serve or give to one another. I ask one to get the shoes for their siblings, to open the door for them, etc. At church my oldest receives a fake $1 prize money for completing a week’s worth of Bible verses. She can exchange each $1 for a small prize. I encouraged her to save the $’s until she has enough for her and her two sisters to receive a prize. Since then, that’s what she has wanted to do every time. We always remind the other siblings to thank her. In return, every time my middle child receives a treat at preschool for special occasions, she immediately asks me, “Can I share this with my sisters during snack time?” (many times it’s something so small like one cookie but she still wants me to split it three ways).
Again, I go back to my previous post on maintaining a loving atmosphere in the home. This has become so “normal” to them. It really hit me one time, during my oldest child’s first week in kindergarten. When she receives three 5’s in a row at school, she is allowed to pick a prize from the treasure chest. Well, it blew my mind away when she came home with a bracelet that I assumed was for her. She walked through the door and immediately asked for LittleBit (middle child). I asked her surprisingly, “You picked that for LittleBit?” She said, “Yes, because she lost her other bracelet.” What made this even more amazing was that this was her very first time going to the treasure chest, after being back in school….in her new class, where there were many prizes she had not seen before. In that moment, she chose to pick something for her sister rather than herself. I was so touched and in awe.
Believe me, I know, implementing these principles and methods can be (WILL be) time-consuming, tedious, and full of sweat and hard work. But believe me also that the fruit they will produce in your children will be far sweeter than you can imagine.
I’d like to give credit to where credit it due. A lot of the methods mentioned on this post was taken from the parenting resources I have depended on the most since I began my journey as a parent: Growing Kids God’s Way and other works by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo.
by BooParry | May 27, 2014 | #Siblings, Key, Parenting, Series
Here is my new series. My current plan is to follow a series that’s more personal/conceptual/philosophical with a series that’s more concrete/practical (so this is my attempt at practical).
I have three daughters close in age (currently 6, 4, and 2). I was an only child. I knew from early on that when I had children, I wanted them to have siblings, and I wanted them to be best friends. My girls definitely have moments when they don’t like each other and get into arguments/competition about little things. But I can honestly say, they genuinely love one another…a lot. They sincerely care for one another and enjoy being together.
I will say this again and again on my blog: I am not a parenting expert. My oldest is six and my youngest is still in my belly, so in a way I am still at the beginning. But even within the six short years of parenting, I’m convinced that I learned some valuable lessons on how to cultivate loving sibling relationships, and I’m seeing some of the fruit of putting these lessons into practice.
I will go over some specific examples in my later posts, but for now I want to share some general principles that I believe will help in developing loving sibling relationships.
1. Prayer & Priority – I think they go hand in hand. If this is something that’s very important to you, you will pray about it a lot, as I did (and still do). If you pray about it a lot, it will continue to be one of the top priorities in your parenting journey. Before my second child was even born, this was my prayer and my goal for my children: Lord, please help them to develop a sweet, lifelong friendship. I’ve noticed that in parenting (as in life), whatever you place as your top priorities tend to naturally come to fruition. The opposite is also true – whatever you don’t place as a priority doesn’t usually happen on its own. In our household, the example of this was my children learning Japanese. I had so many other priorities/goals in mind, that this goal was placed farther away from the top. As a result, my children don’t speak a lick of Japanese. As most parents know, you can’t place everything in the top priority category. You have to pick and choose. That’s why prayer plays such a major role in determining your priorities and also in asking His blessing to find success in those priorities.
2. Husband/wife as their relationship model – I think this is huge. The atmosphere of the home and the examples the children see everyday greatly influence how they learn to treat other people. I am very blessed in this area. My husband and I have a supportive, loving, respectful friendship. They see us laughing together constantly. They hear us complementing each other and working as a team on practically everything. They never hear us raise our voices at each other, disrespect/devalue each other, or even be sarcastic to each other. This was the kind of atmosphere they were raised in from birth, so it was pretty natural for them to learn how to treat one another in this way. When MiniLu (our adopted child) joined our family at age 2, I believe she sensed this atmosphere right away and followed suit naturally. We never had any issue with violence from her. She was very quick to sense and follow the “natural flow” of our home, which is to respect and be kind to one another.
3. Supervise their interactions and address their heart issue. I probably do this a little too often that my kids may be getting sick of it. Many times I don’t wait for their little disagreements to turn into raging, crying fits before I intervene. My ears are constantly open to how they speak to one another – at home, in the car, and pretty much whenever I’m around them. Even if they are playing by themselves and I only hear them in the background, my ears are always listening. I address little things, such as adding “please” and “thank you.” I address them (well, mainly my oldest) when I hear her starting to sound too bossy. When one of them is boasting or showing off, I immediately address their heart: “Do you think you said that out of a good heart or a bad heart? Do you think what you just said made your sister happy or sad?” 10 out of 10 times they give me the right answer. If I hear that their little argument is starting to escalate, I tell them to pause. “You girls are only making each other upset right now, so let’s just stop talking for a while.” I will address tattling more in detail later, but I follow the same principle: I address their heart and encourage them to solve the issue with the other sibling respectfully. This has become my daily habit. As a result, I noticed that my time of “refereeing blowouts” has decreased significantly in the recent year or so. Most of the time they are able to resolve the issue peacefully among themselves without things getting out of hand.
4. Balance their time together and time apart. As much as you love your spouse, or a sister/brother, or mother/father, or best friend, isn’t there a time when you just need to be apart after being with them 24-7? If we experience this as adults, how much more do our children experience this? I believe there’s some truth to the phrase “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” When my older two girls are apart (because of school or one of them being at grandparents’ house), I can tell that they miss each other and are glad when they are reunited. If a younger sibling is not home when my oldest returns from school, she immediately asks, “Where’s LittleBit?” I will address in my later posts how you can intentionally structure some time for your children to be apart. At the same time, we don’t want to give them too much time apart. After all, it’s through their daily interactions and play time that they develop a lasting friendship. This becomes harder as the older ones start attending school. We found a perfect system where our school-age children go to school three days a week and are homeschooled two days a week. We found this to be a perfect balance in how much time they spend together and apart. I imagine it would be a little harder for parents to balance this if the children are homeschooled exclusively or if they go to school five days a week. I will try to include some suggestions for these two situations in my later posts as well…stay tuned!
These are some general principles that have helped our family so far in cultivating loving sibling relationships. Please feel free to comment if you have anything to add that has worked for your family.
Continued on Part 2…
by BooParry | Sep 21, 2013 | FaithJourney, Marriage, Parenting
A couple of weeks ago, I hit a really low point.
I think every housewife/mom can relate to these moments. Moments when you feel undervalued, under-appreciated, and overworked. Dishes. Laundry. Diaper changes. Cooking. Serving. Driving. More dishes. More laundry. Husband comes home late from a hard day at work. But oh, do not tell me about a hard day…thanks to you being late, my hard day was made longer. Let’s talk ungrateful kids. I take all this time to plan our weekly menu, picking out what’s healthy yet yummy, go grocery shopping, do all the prep work, and even bake my own bread, only for them to tell me, “Mommy, I don’t like it.” Really!? Then there’s the hair. Oh the hair. My Goliath that I have to face every morning. They complain that it hurts. I can’t get them to be still. Their frustration turns into my frustration and vice versa. At the end of it, even Allan is frustrated listening to all this madness taking place. He blurts out, “You know, you really should figure something else out for hair…maybe something easier.” WRONG COMMENT, Buddy!!! Your non-morning-person of a wife, who was already hot, just got hotter (and I don’t mean in an attractive way). My breaking point was this: in midst of all this frustration, Peanut asked me to help her put on her socks. I stopped all the housework I was doing (for them, mind you), and helped her put her socks on. They were really tight, so it took me a few minutes. Afterwards, instead of a “thank you,” what I received was: “They’re too tight.” That was it. I was done. I just walked into my bedroom, took all the self-control I had to not slam the door behind me, and went into my closet to defuse. I didn’t have to explain anything to Allan. He knew he had to take over from there.
After Allan came home from dropping Peanut off at school, we had a heart-to-heart over coffee (as we always do when I have these moments). I sobbed and told him how I truly felt (as I always do at these heart-to-heart conversations). “It’s like I’m trying so hard and nothing gets appreciated. Instead, what’s always pointed out is something wrong that I’m doing.” I hate these moments…because the “ME monster” in me comes out and can’t be restrained. What about ME? Think about ME. ME. ME. ME! Yet I can’t help it sometimes. Allan is always so gracious with me, calmly listening and taking in what I have to say. He even apologized for the hair comment earlier; he said he was only trying to help. I already knew that. I told him I’m just irritated…and I’m venting. He prayed for me.
I then went into the bedroom and opened a book that I’ve been reading. It happened to be on a chapter that spoke to the very place where I was at. I love how God does this…all the time.
The chapter was about bowing our work to God in worship. Doing every task, no matter how small or mundane, as an act of worship to God. Here are some quotes that I read that day:
“To work is to worship; to worship is to work.”
“Lord, let each task…diaper changes, preparing meals, washing clothes, answering my two-year-old’s endless questions…be done as an act of worship to you.”
“Do your best. Work from the heart for your real Master, for God, confident that you’ll get paid in full when you come into your inheritance. Keep in mind always that the ultimate Master you’re serving is Christ.” Colossians 3:23-24 The Message Bible
“He sees and values all that you do when you do it for Him.”
“We feel that we must achieve to feel significant, but God says, ‘Be faithful in your work, my daughter, and you will find significance in my sight.'”
“In God’s eyes, there is no division between the scared and the secular. He is the Creator of all. ALL your work is important to Him! He is in all, over all, and longs for you to glorify Him in all…for you to lift up your work as worship to Him.”
“Work becomes sacred based on how we perform it.”
I hate cleaning. Absolutely hate it. But I do it, with my youngest daughter following me around with a duster, with worship music on full blast. This is my sacred act of worship.
I am an introvert and would rather spend all day working on a project or writing or reading. But I pick myself up, go over next week’s meal plan, and start making my grocery list (I would much rather be using that same laptop to blog!). It’s all for God. This is the spot, this is the role, this is the season He has entrusted me with. It will never come back again. Every little act of service I do for my family is ultimately for God. It all becomes my sacred act of worship.
Since then, I try to remember this truth: in God’s eyes, there is no division between sacred and secular…between mundane and significant. When it’s done for God’s glory, it all becomes sacred and significant.
God really wanted me to know that on that day. If you can relate to the kind of day I described, I know He wants you to know that, too. When you feel undervalued, HE sees great value in you AND your work. When you feel under-appreciated, HE wants to shout, “THANK YOU…for taking care of My children (husband included). P.S. You are also increasing your inheritance in heaven.”
I think it’s OK to have one of those crazy moments…when we can no longer hold in our frustrations. But always, I find my way back to resting my soul in the presence of God. That’s what I did on this day, and Jesus sweetly whispered to me, “Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me” (Matthew 25:40).
The quotes were taken from the book Satisfy My Weary Soul: For I am Desperate for Your Presence by Linda Dillow. I highly recommend this book!
by BooParry | Sep 13, 2013 | FaithJourney, Marriage, Parenting, Single
Last month was the 10th anniversary of my big move from California to Florida. My new life in Florida began on August 21, 2003.
This made me think of who I was 10 years ago…and who I am now.
ME 10 years ago:
-Young (Boy, was I young! 23 years old. I had no clue how “young” I really was back then, or how much freedom I had to enjoy, haha.)
-Shy, scared to talk to new people
-Homesick for California
-Moved back in with my parents
-Loved God…but also looking for my future mate to fill my needs and desires. I was so anxious for “my happily ever after” to arrive!
-Loved to journal and play with photos
-Not a big reader
-Not a kid person, although I knew I wanted a big family someday
ME now:
-Married for 7 years
-Three daughters
-Just returned from China to adopt our new daughter
-Led numerous small groups (parenting and MOPS groups). Love to speak/teach in front of people.
-Love God more than ever…knows He is the One who fills ALL of my needs and desires.
-Learning more about truly becoming who I was created to be…a worshiper of God, not just in songs but also with every detail of my life.
-Love to blog and play with photos
-Love to read
Life lessons learned….
By being married to my husband, I have learned the true meaning of LOVE. LOVE is not a romantic happily ever after, but a daily choice to say “I do.” Marriage is an opportunity TO LOVE and serve. Opportunity to grow. Yes, it has many happy, joyful moments full of laughter. But there are tough times as well, and God MUST be our rock.
By being a mother to Peanut, I learned more about FAITH (which also happens to be her middle name). Motherhood is not a constant blissful season that I dreamed of. It’s a constant LEANING on God to guide me with wisdom. Constant test of faith (especially when blessed with a strong-willed child!): to stay consistent even if I don’t see the fruit right away, continue to have FAITH in the BIG plans God has for my child, and continue to parent towards the future.
By being a mother to LittleBit, I have experienced so much JOY. There is so much joy in parenting. The “oh you are so cute” moments really make all the frustrations from the day disappear. I’m learning to find joy in the little things. I’m learning to take a break from the busyness of life…and just ENJOY the blessings that are all around me.
Within these past two months of being a mother to Mini-Lu, I’ve been a recipient of abundant GRACE. It’s not about being a perfect mom who has it all together. Sometimes I mess up…badly. Sometimes my children show goodness “in spite of” my parenting and not “because of” my parenting. But even in this, God is whispering to me, “It’s OK. You will mess up sometimes. But keep trying. Keep learning. Keep growing. Keep leaning on Me to be the mom I have created you to be.” With each new child, God enlarges my capacity. He also shows me GRACE through my children. Often times, they are so much more gracious than I am. They are so resilient and forgiving. Their love and trust in me do not waver. Everyday, I receive a dosage of God’s GRACE through my children, and most especially through Mini-Lu.
I love my life. Oh, how I love my life. It’s not always easy. I have many more days of feeling exhausted, frustrated, and out-of-control than I did ten years ago. But I would not trade this life for what I had. No, definitely not. I have more gray hairs and wrinkles…and my nails are hardly ever polished. But…I have gained so much more wisdom, love, joy, and strength on the inside…through all that God has allowed me to experience in the last ten years. Most importantly, Jesus is more real to me than ever before.
Here’s the biggest lesson I learned in the last 10 years. 10 years ago, I was chasing after my perfect sandcastle…my happily ever after. 10 years later, I’ve learned…it’s when my own sandcastle is SMASHED, when I’m broken, and when I’m so very aware of how imperfect I am…these are the times I run the fastest into the arms of my Father. In midst of this sweet surrender, I finally find my “happily ever after”: my heart so engulfed by His love that I don’t know whose heartbeat I’m listening to…mine or His.
No, I wouldn’t trade this Divine Romance for any other kind of life this world may have to offer.
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by BooParry | Aug 9, 2013 | FaithJourney, Parenting
A little over two weeks ago, I became a mother of three.
I feel like hyperventilating just by reading that sentence I just typed.
Not only did I become a mother of three, but because our third came by way of adoption, I’m all of a sudden a mother of 5-, 3-, and 2-year-olds. Instead of having two kids and a baby, I definitely have three kids. Three little kids.
Since my teenage years, I’ve wanted to have a big family. It was one of my sandcastles – to have a big family of my own. My husband and I don’t know yet how “big” our family will end up being. Currently though, this feels pretty big.
Here’s the kicker though – I’m not a kid person. I mean, not at all. I don’t have that natural gift of relating to and having fun with kids.
I didn’t spend a lot of time with kids growing up. I spent time with my grandparents, my parents and their friends, and my cousins who were three and six years older. I never liked being around little kids. I never babysat.
This week, I found myself having a lot of doubts. What was I thinking? Maria, you KNOW you’re not good at this. You’re an introvert, and you’re not FUN with kids like your husband or CREATIVE with kids like your other mommy/teacher friends. How did you think you were going to enjoy this?
I know that some of these doubts are coming from lack of sleep (jetlag) and difficulties of adjusting to my new life. Change has never been easy for me. I’m your typical “I want things to stay the same and comfortable” kind of gal. I found out this week that you get the “baby blues” even when a new child comes through adoption.
I also know, that part of the problem is (once again) my perfectionist tendencies. I want to be that mom who loves being around children and who loves to play with them. I also want to be that mom who keeps her house in order and has well-behaved children.
I know what you all want to say: “Good luck!” “Don’t we all.” “Stop trying to be perfect.” Before you send me all those messages on how high my expectations are and how I shouldn’t feel this way, let me remind you that this is just my natural tendency. It doesn’t mean this is how I want to feel or that I’m striving to be perfect. Remember, my blog is all about “how a perfectionist like me navigates through her imperfect life; how she learns to let go of her ideals and embrace the God-given purpose instead.”
So I’m currently in the process of smashing another sandcastle.
This intro post of a popular blogger really helped me to find more freedom from my perfectionism.
“I am really disorganized, I don’t make my bed, and I yell at my kids too much. I don’t garden, sew, craft, or read – so you’ll rarely find anything about those topics here. I don’t do so many things, so when you read my stories, look at my photos, and bookmark my recipes, I hope you see a girl who shares what she does well, but is hopelessly flawed in many other ways.”
It was a good reminder to me that it’s OK to admit the things I’m not. I’m not a kid person. Meaning…rarely you will find me rolling around on the floor or getting dirty with my kids. It doesn’t mean I won’t ever do it. It just means that’s really not a natural part of who I am. But I do like to read to them. I like to take pictures of them. I like to journal and keep up with their physical, emotional, cognitive, and spiritual developments. I like to write down the prayers I pray for them. I like to capture sweet memories and preserve them in creative forms.
I don’t like to do children’s crafts (I only like to do my own crafty projects). But I praise their work like crazy whenever they make something on their own or with someone else. I love to give them encouragement and affirmation. I also give a lot of instruction and correction. I’m not good at joining in on their pretend plays, but I constantly have my eyes and ears open so that I can steer them to speak to one another with kind words, always. I’m not good at making up songs for them, but I love listening to and singing worship songs with them in the car, no matter how tone-deaf we are. They also love it when I sing “You are My Sunshine” to them.
Even if I’m not always the “fun” parent, I’m confident that my girls know how much I love and adore them.
I also know…that I may not be “in my zone” during this season, but a time is coming. I’m very much relationship-oriented, and as the girls get older I know I will enjoy talking for hours on end with them about the things that matter…you know, like boys and such 🙂 As a matter of fact, it was when I spent time with another family during their children’s teenage years that first gave me the desire to have a big family of my own.
I know that it’s not about perfection. I know that it’s about balance and growth. Most importantly, it’s about relying on my God who knows the end from the beginning. He has chosen ME, out of all the women He could have chosen, to be the mother to my three girls. He loves my girls more than I ever could, and He believed I was the best choice for them. So I must be enough. With His help and guidance, I’m more than enough.
I don’t know if I will ever be the “fun” parent, but I’m learning to “have fun” with my girls more. I’m learning to take it one day at a time. I’m well aware of things I need to improve on. I’m learning to be more aware of things I excel in. I’m learning to invest in things I’m naturally good at and enjoy.
I’m learning to admit who I’m not – and appreciate who God made me and who He’s helping me to become.
