by BooParry | Sep 24, 2012 | Key, Parenting
Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains
Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
On and one and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains
–Song by Jesus Culture
ONE THING.
I think of my special Peanut and her strong will. Her determination. What will she set her mind on as her life purpose? Whatever it may be, I have no doubt she will accomplish it. I desire this for her: personal accomplishments, great influence, big success. But I desire ONE THING more.
I think of my sweet Little Bit and her easy-going spirit. How she can work her charms to wrap anyone around her little finger. I picture her life as one that’s surrounded by friends and people who love her. I picture her eventually finding a man who desires to make her every wish come true. I dream of these things for her: great friends, a wonderful man, so much love. But I desire ONE THING more.
I think of our China doll, whom we have yet to meet. I wonder what kind of magnificent story God has in store for her: taking her out of an orphanage in China, and bringing her all the way across the world into the arms of a family who loves and adores her. I wonder how she will use this extravagant story to touch the lives of others, to bring them hope and shine God’s goodness. Yes, I want this bigger-than-life story for her. But I desire ONE THING more than all else.
I want them to know and experience the love of Jesus.
I am blessed beyond measure. I love the story God has written for my life. I love my family, my friends, and my church. I love the people God placed in my path. I love the memories I have built.
Through it all, my one constant factor in life has been Jesus. Even before I knew Him, His love was pursuing after my heart. Deep inside, there was a void that I wasn’t able to fill. He knew all along that His love was the ONE THING that can. His love truly does “overwhelm and satisfy my soul”…like no other love can, not even my husband’s. Oh, how I long for my children to know and experience this love.
Parenting. It’s such a simple word with so much meaning. So much joy. So much struggle. So many lessons. So much to grow (for both sides). Yet I pray that I will not lose focus of this ONE THING I desire for them to grab hold of. Yes, I will do my best to train them in their intellect, their manners, their abilities, and their talents. But ONE THING. This ONE THING will always be the focal point of my parenting. It will always be at the very top of my prayers for them.
Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
–Ephesians 3:17-19 New Living Translation
Amen and Amen. My dear children, until I breathe my dying breath, I will not stop praying this prayer for you.
by BooParry | Jul 17, 2012 | Parenting
(Continued from Part 1)
I wish I could say the day got easier after this, but she had two more rounds in store for us before the day was over. I guess God was not through with answering my prayer. The good thing was, each round was shorter and less intense than the one before…which was definitely a progress!
I guess the sandcastle that’s been hardest to smash in all this is the expectation that I should get an A on my report card instantly if I work hard at it. I seek guidance, I pray, I use all my strength to be consistent and do the right thing, yet I see very little (or slow) progress. Granted, it’s only been about two weeks since I began the most recent reset process, but I find myself seeking for that immediate A. As a perfectionist in school, I achieved straight A’s easily and instantly. Unfortunately, it’s not as simple with parenting. I know that Allan and I are doing the right thing…maybe not in everything, but we sure are doing our very best. Yet sometimes, the road gets tougher.
As I was pondering all this, I came across this verse in my daily Bible reading:
Let us then fearlessly and confidently and boldly draw near to the throne of grace (the throne of God’s unmerited favor to us sinners), that we may receive mercy [for our failures] and find grace to help in good time for every need [appropriate help and well-timed help, coming just when we need it].
-Hebrews 4:16 (Amplified Bible)
I am holding on to this promise: I can always find God’s grace to help me, at just the right time. I choose to trust in His word, daily, rather than my circumstances or my own progress report.
Another sweet reminder from God came at church yesterday. Before going to church, Peanut threw a blatant attitude towards me, and she lost a privilege. She screamed the whole way to church. I kept my calm, knowing she feeds off of my emotions. As I parked the car at church and looked into her eyes, I was fighting with all my might to not let the tears that were filling up fall down my face. I was about to enter into my discouragement zone again. After checking the kids in and finding our seats, I sighed a simple prayer: Lord, I can really use some kind of confirmation today, no matter how small. I need to know that this is all worth it. In my heart I believe I am raising a leader. Everything looks messy and tough right now, but I need to know that victory is on its way.
Friends, let me tell you, I have a loving Father who loves to answer my prayers. Sometimes instantly. The title of the sermon was “The Place of Victory.” I’m not kidding. To make a long story short, the message confirmed to me two things that I desperately needed to be reminded of:
1. I am raising a great leader for God – a pillar of faith. (In the sermon, the pastor talked about how Jesus believed this about His brother James for 33 years…and it eventually came true, in a BIG way.)
2. The victory has already been won for me by Jesus on the cross. Through Him, I have full access to all the resources I need to be victorious in every situation. It may not “look” like a victory to the world (just as His death on the cross or His brother’s martyrdom did not look like a victory at the time). I may not see the full effect of each victory on this side of heaven. But that’s OK. I will keep walking this road to victory in faith.
In this current season, raising my strong-willed Peanut is my “cup.” The cup that I sometimes want to pass on, yet not my will but Yours. I will let go of the idea that it should be easy. I will let go of the idea that the finish line is near. I will not fear any drawbacks that will come along the way. I will not seek empty praise from the world or worry about their criticism. Instead, I will keep believing in the vision God has given me and keep walking faithfully in His calling. As I smash my own castles built by sand, I believe that someday I will stand in awe in front of a beautiful castle built on solid ground. I WILL see the harvest of what I’m sowing into my daughter. I will thank God for allowing me to take part in the building process of such magnificent castle, so intricately and wonderfully designed by Him…for His glory.
Oh yes, it will be all worth it.
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by BooParry | Jul 16, 2012 | Parenting
As you can probably tell from my last post in the parenting category, I was not at a very good place.
-There was less structure and more chaos.
-I felt discouraged, hopeless, and sometimes defeated.
-I was overwhelmed and stressed out.
-I was being reactive rather than proactive in my parenting.
-To be honest, I grew a little lazy and was not giving my all.
-I had lost my confidence.
It was time for the “reset” button. I needed major retraining, mainly for myself as a mother. With the advice of my mentors and prayer support of friends, I was determined to dive back in, this time 100%.
If only there was a true reset button. How EASY would that be! I push a button, and WALLA! My children are ready to go with my new game plan. Have I told you yet that I tend to be idealistic?
The “reset” process has been long and difficult, to say the least. It has been requiring every square inch of me, from the moment the girls get up until the moment they go to sleep. I see progress some days, and I see regress on other days.
Let me share with you a day I recently had which definitely fell into the “difficult” category. I took the girls to the pool for our MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) playdate. I was looking forward to seeing my friends I hadn’t seen in a while. About half an hour into playing in the pool, I sensed that Peanut was quickly advancing into her “testy” mode (I know her so well by now, I can smell her attitude a mile away).
I gave her a warning that she must stop the attitude, or she’ll sit in the chair.
She didn’t stop. Strike One. Out of the pool, and off to the chair we go.
She tried to fight sitting, but I told her either this or go home. She sat.
After playing again for a while, I corrected her on taking a toy from her sister. She talked back. Strike Two. Off to the chair we go.
She tried to fight the chair again, and I gave her the same choice: either sit or go home. She sat.
Before she went back into the pool the third time, I explained to her, “This is the last time you’re sitting on a chair. If you disobey or talk back to Mommy again, we’re going home.”
“Yes, Mommy.”
She played nicely and listened well for another 20 minutes. Lunchtime came, and when I said we all needed to go to the bathroom first, she said she didn’t need to go. I explained that I needed to, and they must come with me. She refused. With all the attitude she could muster up, she said, “No! I don’t want to!” Strike Three.
It was not pretty. She kicked, screamed, and shouted, “I DON’T WANNA GO HOME!!!!!” She tried to pull away from me. I kept my calm as much as I could, while I picked up my 36-pound daughter with my 95-pound body. I tried to hide the gigantic embarrassment I was feeling inside. My friend helped me with LittleBit (thank God), and off to home we went.
Peanut screamed all the way home (about half hour drive). By the time I parked in our garage, she was finally in her “surrender” mode. She knew exactly why we had to come home (for talking back to me, once more), and she also knew there will be another privilege taken away for the way she behaved about coming home.
We’ve had some rough, draining days during this “reset” period. Just when I think I’ve seen the strongest side of her strong will, she takes it to a whole new level. I’ve been working persistently on her “fight for control” issue for the last two weeks, yet progress seems to come ever so slowly. However, where I have seen a major progress is in my attitude. I no longer am in a defeated, stressed out, reactive mode. With God’s strength and wisdom, I’ve been able to create more of a game plan, be proactive, and regain my confidence. This has made all the difference in the world!
On the morning of the pool outing, during my prayer time, I almost asked God to give me an easy day with the girls. Instead, this was what I ended up writing in my prayer journal:
Lord, help me to glorify You in my parenting today. Show me YOUR ways, and give me the strength and wisdom to walk in it.
Talk about God answering by granting me a divine opportunity.
To Be Continued…
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by BooParry | Jun 24, 2012 | Parenting
I had a very candid conversation with my husband yesterday about Peanut. At one point, I remember telling him this: “Peanut is just so difficult. I love her, of course, but sometimes I don’t like her.”
It’s the truth. Before any of my mom readers throws stones at me, I guess the more appropriate way to say this is, sometimes I don’t like being her mother. We are a mismatch – Peanut and I. If I were to imagine the most inharmonious mother-daughter combination, it would be us. Here are some reasons why.
I am a perfectionist. I tend to demand perfection from myself, as well as those who represent who I am (i.e. my husband and my children). Obviously, there goes problem #1. I did not give birth to a perfect child. I guess that only happens once in the course of history, and Mary beat me to it.
I am a conformist. I like receiving instructions and following rules. It’s part of the culture I grew up in. I like to blend in. I like to stay inside the lines. I don’t like to stir the water. Peanut is the most out-of-the-box kind of person that I know. She is unique in every way. It’s easy to see that her life is meant to stand out. If there is a line, she will cross it completely and blatantly, or at least she’ll see how far she can go. She wants to set her own rules.
She constantly does or says things that make me wonder, “Why?” Why does she have to do that? Why does she have to touch that? Why? WHY? Some are out of defiance; others are out of pure childishness. Either way, she tests my patience.
I try to avoid confrontation at all cost. She thrives in confrontation, and she has to have the last word.
Me: Peanut, don’t pick at your scab. It’s going to keep hurting if you do that.
Peanut: But it doesn’t hurt.
Me: Peanut, be gentle with your toys, so you don’t break them.
Peanut: But they didn’t break.
Of course, I deal with her on the fact that she’s talking back to me, but it doesn’t change how frustrating and exhausting I get in midst of it.
I tend to be a people-pleaser. Pleasing others (especially me) does not seem to be on her priority list. She is who she is, with a unique sense of humor. She was playing around at the dinner table, so I told her to use good manners. She then started making funny noises and asked, “Mommy, is this good manners?” I told her no. She then began doing something else inappropriate and asked, “Mommy, is this good manners?” Blood is boiling at this point, and all I can do is to keep calm. How is it that one of her best talents is knowing how to push my buttons?
She and I are alike in some ways too…but they also contribute to how mismatched we are. We both like control. I want control so that I can meet my idealistic expectations, and she wants control….well, because that’s just part of who she is. She is a natural leader. We are both smart. I am not trying to brag, and honestly, my intelligence is quickly fading the more children I have. We both notice every little detail, and because she’s already smarter than I am, she tends to be right most of the time. This drives me insane. We find ourselves in frequent power struggles.
I was feeling hopeless and discouraged. I envied other moms who seemed to “have it easy.” As I talked about these feelings to my husband, I also expressed how guilty I felt for feeling the way I did…and for saying the things I did about her.
We decided to take a break from our serious talk and watch a movie. It was called Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. This movie was not what I expected, and I still don’t know how I feel about it. In some ways though, I was able to relate to the relationship the mother had with her son (the main character). First of all, it reminded me that we don’t have it that bad. Things could be a lot more challenging. Second of all, even though their relationship seemed to be a misfit, when they tried they were able to find a harmony. The mother was able to see that she can understand her son like her deceased husband did, and the son was able to see that he can express his love to her, even if he didn’t think he was that good at it. There was something beautiful about their mismatched relationship. It hit me right then. If God gave me a choice, I would not choose any other way. There is nothing in the world I wouldn’t give to be chosen as her mother again. Absolutely nothing. She is unique, and she is different. I don’t like different. She’s not easy. I like easy. But above all, she is mine. My one and only Peanut. I learn and grow because of her everyday. She dares me to be a better mother. I may have stayed as the same person if it wasn’t for God bringing her into my life.
I used to sing this song to her all the time when she was a baby, and today I sang this to her again:
You are my Peanut, my only Peanut
You make me happy, when skies are grey
You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my Peanut away
She was grinning from ear to ear the whole time. You know who I think is smarter than both her and me – God. He is so smart, to know how much we would learn from each other. How much we would grow together. He knew from the beginning that we’d be a perfect mismatch.
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by BooParry | May 31, 2012 | #MomLife, Parenting, Series
I never wrote down “referee” or “police” as what I wanted to be when I grew up. Never. So how did I end up here? As a stay-at-home mom of two little girls (ages 4 and 2), I often find myself in these types of conversations.
As we get out of the minivan and into our house
Peanut: I want to open the door!
LittleBit: I want to open the door!
Me: Peanut may open the door, LittleBit may close the door (or vice versa).
Concerning their drinking cups
Peanut: I have a purple cup, LittleBit has a yellow cup.
LittleBit: No, I have an orange cup.
Peanut: No, you have a yellow cup.
LittleBit: NO! I have an orange cup.
Peanut: MOMMY!! LittleBit says she has an orange cup, but it’s a yellow cup.
Me: It’s orange. No more arguing about the color of the cup.
When Peanut is being bossy to LittleBit
Peanut: LittleBit, you need to drink your milk first, then you can have some orange juice. Say, “Yes, *Nene.” *Nene is what LittleBit calls Peanut.
Me: Peanut, you do not have the freedom to speak to her like you’re her mommy. I am her mommy.
When LittleBit is being bossy to Peanut
LittleBit: Sit down, NOW!
Peanut: MOMMY!! LittleBit is talking to me like she’s my mommy, but she’s not my mommy!
Me: Sigh (don’t even know what to say).
This was definitely not part of the beautiful sandcastle of motherhood I had built in my mind (before I actually became a mother). No, I do not enjoy being a referee. The preschool stage is filled with day-to-day instructions, list of do’s and don’ts, and discipline matters. I sometimes find myself fast forwarding to the future, when I will have more of a trainer, a coach, a mentor, and eventually a friend role. I am a relational being to the core, and I have a good feeling I will enjoy those stages.
SMASH. That was the sound of me smashing the sandcastle down. I stop fast forwarding (daydreaming about the future) and remember that in order to get there, I must start here. I am not building a sandcastle that looks pretty on the outside but can easily be swept away. I am building a firm foundation that will last – brick by brick. I invest my time and energy into guiding them to develop a strong sense of morals and values. What can be more worthwhile than that?
For now, I do my best to deliver clear and concrete instructions. I follow through. I reinforce. I encourage. I referee. I explain. I illustrate. I discipline. I help them to gain a different perspective. I model with my actions and words. I pray. Then the next day, I repeat. Somewhere along this cycle, I reflect and realize that I am building a foundation, even if it’s little by little. As I stay consistent and as the girls gain more understanding, our trust grows. This trust will play a major role in the relational stages that I so look forward to.
I wrote down some examples of the progress we’re making.
Instead of snatching a toy out of another’s hand, this is what I’ve taught them to do
One Sister: May I borrow that after you’re done, please?
The Other: Yes, you may.
Instead of being frustrated or competitive when she can’t figure it out
LittleBit: Please help, Nene.
Peanut: OK, I will help you.
Instead of tattling
Peanut: Please get down, LittleBit. Remember, Mommy said not to stand on the couch.
LittleBit: OK.
They love to help each other.
They love to compliment each other.
They love to forgive each other.
They LOVE to laugh together.
They may seem like little steps, but I compliment the girls like crazy when I witness these words and actions being exchanged. To the best of my ability, I show them that the color of the cup is not important. Who gets to open the door is not important. How you treat each other with love and kindness – now, that’s important.
There is no doubt in my mind that they absolutely love and adore each other. They love to play together and sing silly, made-up songs together. They truly enjoy each other’s company. I see a beginning of a beautiful, lifelong friendship, and my prayer is that it will continue to grow. I know that I will keep doing my part to build on the foundation. For this, it’s worth being a referee, even if I don’t enjoy it.
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by BooParry | Apr 14, 2012 | Key, Parenting
My day with Peanut falls under one of the following three types:
Battle Day: ‘Nuff said.
Peace Day: These are days when everything opposite of Battle Day happens. She’s cooperative, doesn’t interfere with my plans, and keeps herself busy if I need her to. These are the days I dare to whisper (as I knock on wood), “She is so easy.”
In reality, most days are somewhere in between. I call this Finding Neutral Ground Day. It’s when she’s not in a full battle mode, but she constantly tries to test her limits. She loves to see how far she can go. She also loves to push buttons to see how I will react. She loves to pull me into a power struggle. It’s a challenge for me to resist being pulled into one and to keep enforcing boundaries and consequences with calmness. Another challenge is to let go of my idealistic expectation (of wanting it to be a Peace Day) and find a neutral ground instead.
I just experienced this type of day today, so allow me to describe it to give you a better picture.
Every morning, she wants to know the day’s agenda. Today’s agenda was a bit more complex than usual. I explained to her, “We’ll drop off LittleBit at Mimi’s house, because Mimi is taking her to a birthday party. You and I will hang out, then later Mimi will take you to Japanese school.”
I knew that she understood the agenda the first time around, but lately she developed a habit of asking me repeating questions.
“Mommy, may I go to Mimi’s house with LittleBit?”
“Mommy, may I go to Japanese school with Mimi?”
“Mommy, what are we doing today?”
She will bring up one question at a time periodically, until I lay down the law to let her know she must stop. “I’ve already answered that question for you. You know what you’re doing today. Do not ask again.”
Once the “I’ll Ask Mommy Questions I Know the Answers To” round was done, next came the never-ending “Potty Power Struggle” round. Potty-training a strong-willed child is a topic I will write about in detail later (by the way, I did it all wrong). For now, I will briefly mention how it’s been a constant power struggle ever since. Bottom line, she does not like to be told when to go. She would rather wait until the very last second, until she has to go so badly that she can hardly take off her pants by herself. This is a battle I try not to choose. However, there are times (like today) when I’m getting ready to put them in the van and she’s doing the pee-pee dance and I need her to go. She then tries to put up a bit of a fight, and I use my stern voice to say she must go. Next she tries the “passive-aggressive” angle and heads to the bathroom only to sit on the floor. Sometimes it’s not about going potty. Sometimes it’s about washing the hands. She hates being told what to do or when to do it. She first tries to object openly and when that doesn’t fly, she tries to passively delay because she knows I want her to do it quickly. It drives me absolutely up the wall. Still, I try my best to keep my calm and administer the consequence if I need to, when she does not obey immediately and/or completely.
After the potty round, we finally went out. I dropped off LittleBit, and I decided that I want to spend some quality time with Peanut. I told her that we’d go to lunch after we run some errands. At the bank, she did not stand still next to me for a second. I was constantly telling her not to touch things or crawl on the floor. We came out of the bank, then came the “I’ll Take My Time Getting into My Car Seat” round. Again, she knew that’s what I wanted her to do, so she subtly pretended that other things in the van were keeping her attention. I then took a privilege away from her of something she wanted. She quickly gave up that power struggle.
Lunch went really well after this. The way she stood in line with me to order food was a major improvement from the bank. We enjoyed our lunch together and headed home. When we arrived home, before she gave up the power struggles altogether, she had to go for one more round of “Potty Power Struggle” as she demonstrated another pee-pee dance on our way back into the house.
I just described half of my day with Peanut. No major outburst, but throwing out a minor power struggle here and there to see how I will bite, mixed in with her very busy and unique personality. I’ve become accustomed to having a day like this. It’s much better than a full-blown battle day. Still, for a perfectionist who likes everything to run smoothly and peacefully, it can be a challenge to say the least.
Later on as we were in the van, a children’s worship CD was playing. Peanut asked if I would sing with her. I said yes. We both began singing these words together:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
(“You Never Let Go” by Matt Redman)
As we sang this loudly and proudly (both out of tune), I knew that Peanut and I arrived at the Neutral Ground for today…or maybe just for this moment. It’s a place where we can both put aside all the stress and conflicts we had shared and find a way to connect with each other. She loves to sing; I love worship music. At the Neutral Ground, we’re able to discount the frustration and simply let each other know, “I still love you.”
I rely on God’s wisdom and strength during the battle days.
I rejoice and praise God during the peace days.
On a day like today, I keep smashing my sandcastle (my ideals) and allow God to mold me into a mother who has a little more patience, a little more calmness, and a whole lot of more love for my Peanut.
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