by BooParry | Aug 30, 2017 | #Receive, FaithJourney, Series
In our current culture, we are overwhelmed with the need to be affirmed by other people…preferably by a lot of people. What drives us to keep checking our Facebook or Instagram account after we make a post? The question that keeps lingering inside is, “Who and how many people liked my post?” I am completely guilty of this, yet even as I type this, I think to myself, How silly! It’s silly because it shows that we put so much energy into things that really don’t matter in the long run. So what if we get 5 likes or 5,000 likes. By the end of the day, most likely nobody will even remember our post.
We tend to think that the more people know and talk about something, the more important it must be.
–Brennan Manning
How true that all of us buy into this myth, at one time or another. Yet when we look back on our lives, what were the things that really made a significant impact? What were the defining moments? Most likely, they were things that didn’t receive a lot of recognition from the crowd. I think back on my life, and I think about a teacher who turned a small ESL (English as a Second Language) class into a family so that we who were intimated by a new culture and language could feel at home. I think about the joy of finding a “true friend” for the first time as a teenager, a friend that I could trust and with whom I didn’t need to pretend to be who I’m not. A friend who will stick with me for life. I think of a family that welcomed me in and gave me not only a second home but also the spiritual wisdom and guidance I needed. None of these people were recognized publicly for what they did for me. Yet each one of them impacted my life in signifiant and lasting ways.
When I look back on my life at the end, I hope that I could say I had a similar impact on someone else. By then, maybe I will have enough wisdom to know that this type of “ripple effect” matters so much more (eternally) than an Instagram post that goes viral and gets a million “likes” (temporarily).
Yet, if I was to be honest, often times I feel that I don’t matter if I’m not recognized by others. I buy into the lie that the more number of people like me, the more important I am. If I don’t matter to others, then I must not matter at all. So I keep trying. I put on a version of me that I think will be more accepted and liked by people. But the more I try, the more I realize that I’m not enough. It becomes an endless race – I may matter to some, but I don’t matter as much as someone else. But I feel the need to keep trying, because I don’t want others to find me lacking.
Pretty soon, I get exhausted. I am so off-focused that I’m no good (or even hurtful) to those closest to me. I lose perspective of what really matters. I get lost. My soul gets weary. This is about the time I realize: I just want to go home.
Come back to Me.
In the stillness of the night, from the depth of my soul, I hear a whisper.
It’s the same voice, communicated in different words: Come to Me. Seek Me. Knock. Abide.
It’s the same message: Beloved…You matter to Me.
It went like this in my journal.
Me: Jesus, I am tired from carrying heavy loads. For too long. Too long, Jesus. I am tired. Most days I am disappointed in myself. Or I compare myself. I am too sensitive to the lies that enter my head that I am not enough. I do not matter. I don’t measure up.
Jesus: Shhh, I’m here. I’m still right here, Beloved. You matter to Me. Make yourself at home in My love. Let go. Lean in. Rest in My love. And if we have to do this 30 more times today until you start to ‘get it,’ it’s OK. I’m not going anywhere. And if you forget by tomorrow and we have to do this 50 more times, it’s OK. I’m not going anywhere. I will never, ever leave you. You matter to Me.
All of a sudden, I’m undone. I’m found in His love, and nothing else matters. I regain the nature of a child. Children only seek affirmation and sense of significance from the eyes of their parents. Nobody else’s opinion matters. I’m back in the arms of my Daddy who loves me, who has been there all along, who tells me that I matter to Him more than I’ll ever know, and all is right with my world. Or I’m like a bride walking down the aisle…and my Groom’s eyes are fixed on me alone. I know, without a doubt, that I am His delight. My heart is so full it could burst.
Sadly, I will most likely lose sight of this again. Maybe five minutes from now. But in this moment, I don’t need anything else.
I matter to Him…and that’s enough. The fear of being found lacking by others goes away. From this place of fullness, perhaps a ripple effect will take place…that will have a lasting, significant impact, not only in my life but also in the lives of those I encounter.
And that’s worth more than a million “likes.”
I confess I still get scared sometimes
But perfect love comes rushing in
And all the lies screamed inside go silent
The moment You begin
You remind me
Of things forgotten
You unwind me
Until I’m totally undone
And with Your arms around me
Fear was no match for Your love
Now You’ve won me
—Steffany Gretzinger, “Letting Go”
by BooParry | Jun 6, 2017 | FaithJourney, Parenting
I need REAL and I need DEEP.
I’m talking about friendships. I’m talking about interactions with other people.
Surface level conversations (or “small talks”) wear me out…and to be honest, they annoy me. Yet, in this season of life, I find myself surrounded by them.
I’ve discovered that finding REAL and DEEP has been harder in this season of being a stay-at-home mom. The only place where it was easy to find REAL and DEEP connection in this season was when I was in a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group a while back. Of course, the obvious reason why it’s hard is because I have a lot less interaction with the outside world as a stay-at-home mom. By default I often turn to social media to fill the need to connect. Welcome to the world of superficial interactions, comparisons, and…let’s call it what it is…bragging (I find myself doing it too). Now, I know that it’s not always about those things. There are a lot of good and honest interactions happening too. But sometimes, even with all the right intentions from those who post, those who read/view the posts are left with feelings of insecurity, “not good enough,” and loneliness.
It doesn’t just happen in the online world. In this season of being a mom to young kids, often times we can only make small talks with other adults while we try to keep track of our kids. This creates an atmosphere for conversations to stay at a superficial level. Then there’s the Southern culture that I’ve been introduced to in the last two years. “Superficial” seems to be intricately woven into the social structure of this culture. And by that, I don’t always mean fake. I mean that it can be difficult to go past the surface level of talking about kids’ birthday parties and the latest idea we found on Pinterest.
I need Deeper.
I need Authenticity.
I’m wired for heart-to-heart connection…and when you think about it, aren’t we all?
In addition to the challenge of getting past the superficial, there are the challenges of comparisons (which seems to be never ending for moms) and cliques. Yes, even in the adult world, there are still cliques that form, often unintentionally. It’s our natural tendency to stick to people we know and to stay in the circle, instead of taking the risk of befriending someone new.
Book clubs meet, coffees are sipped, stores are shopped, play dates had, and someone is inevitably left out. As an adult, I anticipated friendships would become easier for me, but I’ve found that they can be even more difficult. There are more schedules to judge, feelings and fears are more deep rooted, intentions more difficult to interpret, and comparisons are easier to make.
–Anna Rendell, Craving Connection
SO. TRUE.
Last month (a few months ago now), I had an opportunity to authentically share from my heart, every day, for five days. It was in a class called Group Counseling (a class that teaches future counselors how to lead a counseling group). During the week we took on the “leader” role only once, but we took on the “group member” role every day in the same group.
It was such a meaningful experience for me for 3 main reasons:
- We bypassed the superficial stage. As you can imagine from a group of women all wanting to be counselors, the content of what we shared went from superficial to deep…fast. We shared our raw feelings and thoughts, often involving tears, for five days. There was no pretense. Authentic connections were made. It was so refreshing.
- There was no comparison. We were all equals in that group, and every person’s story mattered. The intensity of the hardships varied, but we valued each feeling that was shared. Nobody was more important than the other. It was the opposite of most social interactions we find ourselves in, of who gets the most “likes,” who is more fun to be with, who has a more popular or significant status, etc. When there is no comparison, every person feels valued and accepted.
- I was “in my zone.” I realized more than ever, that this is “my thing.” Some people are good at baking, some at interior decorating, some at teaching children. This is what I’m good at. Being real and going deep. Listening and understanding. Engaging in connections that go beyond the surface level. This was a satisfying experience for me, especially since I don’t feel like I’m “in my zone” often as a stay-at-home mom.
Transparency. Vulnerability. Authenticity. Connection. It was all there. So when it was time for the class to end…I cried. They were sad tears of not wanting to leave. I mourned for a few days, actually.
I long to find this type of connection in my everyday life, in this current season. I’ve been blessed to have several authentic friendships for most of my teen and adult life. It’s been a little more challenging for me since we moved to Greenville (although there are a couple of friendships that I feel are at the beginning stage of authenticity). It’s been on my mind a lot since I returned from my class. Through a friend’s recommendation, I bought two books on this topic: Never Unfriended and Craving Connection. I look forward to learning and discovering more about how I can establish this type of connection, with God’s guidance and help.
Another friend told me about a group study curriculum called Stuck, and how it leads the participants to go deep…fast. Hello? Sign me up, please! I am praying about possibly hosting this group at my house.
I also need to continue nurturing the long-distance, lifelong friendships that I do have. Life gets so busy for all of us. But I need REAL and DEEP connections. I love that we live in the generation of FaceTime and Skype. I have been blessed with some incredible lifelong friends, and no matter how much time has passed since our last talk, I know that we can get REAL and DEEP as soon as we pick up the phone again. I need to take advantage of these connections more.
However way it unfolds, I know that authentic connection is what I need…really, what we all need. I need REAL. I need DEEP. I need to know and be known. I need to love and be loved. Yes, I have my husband, but I also desperately need deep connection with other women. This quote sums it up so well.
To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.
–Timothy Keller
by BooParry | Apr 26, 2017 | Key, Single
This is an addendum to a post I wrote 5 years ago called Is This “The One”? about what to look for in a future spouse.
The other day I made an observation. Some people seek connection with other people for the sake of gaining something out of it. This may be a pretty obvious statement to you. I guess I was disappointed because when I observed it, it happened in what I thought should be a very loving and accepting environment. But the older we get, the more we learn that we can’t ever completely get away from cliques, the inner/outer circles, favoritism, etc. It happens in workplaces, neighborhoods, and even churches. Even so, in that moment, I was disappointed. I felt that this person was showing favoritism for selfish reasons, which resulted in someone else feeling left out, not good enough. I left feeling…sad.
While I was contemplating all these things, God suddenly turned my attention to my husband. I reflected on this person that I’ve come to know so well over the last 12 years. And my immediate thought was, “He is SO not like that. He doesn’t ever show favoritism. Every person is valuable enough of his time, his friendship, his attention…every time.” Do not get me wrong, he is not perfect by any means. His imperfections are something I’ve become thoroughly acquainted with in the last 12 years (and I’m sure he would say, vice versa).
I can confidently say, however, that he accepts and loves people wholeheartedly, without pretense or favoritism, and not for the sake of gaining something in return.
I then had an “aha” moment. That’s just like the way Jesus loves.
I wasn’t wise or mature enough to make this comparison 12 years ago. I had too many fears and doubts I was facing at the time, mostly out of my own issues. But I kept relying on God to guide me with His peace, one step at a time, in this new relationship with Allan. I still remember this one friendship Allan had at the time that stood out to me. We were in the “young career” social season of our lives (well, I was just starting in that season and Allan was almost graduating), and often times a bunch of us went out to dinner or coffee after church on Saturday nights. There was a guy who had various physical disabilities (in his body and speech), but he did not have any mental disability. Not everyone took the time to befriend him, but it was obvious that he and Allan shared a special friendship. His face beamed every time he saw Allan, and they always shared a hug and a laugh. Allan was the same friend to him (or anyone) whether it was in a huge crowd or in a deserted parking lot. I love and respect that about him…so much.
In my opinion, this is the “X factor” that you want to find when you’re looking for a spouse (again, in addition to what I listed on Is This “The One”? post).
Is Love at the heart of who he/she is?
Even when nobody is looking?
Even when it will not bring him/her credit or fame?
Is he/she quick to help, to befriend, to give…just for the sake of showing love?
Or…do they tend to be drawn to people who can get them in the “in crowd,” who can benefit them in some way? Do they connect with others for their own benefit? Do they tend to stay in the “superficial” level of social relationships? Do they act one way in social situations and in a completely different way when they’re alone?
I believe that this particular factor is a heart/character issue that only God can change…so if they are the latter type, I would advise strongly that you dismiss them and never look back. If they are the first type, hang onto them for dear life, before someone else snatches them!
Final note: I believe that so much of what I wrote on this topic boils down to one word – humility. That truly is the main key ingredient. It’s the main ingredient you want to look for in your future spouse, and it’s the main ingredient you want to nurture and grow as you enter marriage. Selfishness comes by default; nobody is immune to it. Humility comes through the working of the Holy Spirit.
The “X factor” is love expressed through humility.
To all you singles: may God continue to develop that kind of love in both you and your future spouse, and may your future marriage be one that is defined by that kind of love.
Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand. Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn’t think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn’t claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion.
–Philippians 2:4-8 The Message
I wrote more about the importance of humility in marriage in this post Undone: A Perfect Mate.
by BooParry | Mar 22, 2017 | #Receive, FaithJourney, Series
Receive the Adventure of Following Jesus
If you think that life with Jesus is boring, then you’re just doing it wrong.
–Emily McAlister
When we were children, we longed for adventure. The world was full of endless possibilities. We wanted to go on a magic carpet ride, find a secret passage to another world, or discover that we were the long-lost princess (or the conquering hero). Our hearts were on a constant verge of explosion with the excitement of it all.
Then we grew up.
Somewhere in the middle of transition from childhood to adulthood, our dreams changed from wild to safe. They changed from boundless adventures to a boxed in house with a white picket fence. Really, what child ever dreams of merely a nice home and an ordinary life…and yet, how many of us adults do? A perfect house, a good marriage and family, a stable career, a presentable life. How did our dreams turn…so boring?
I’m not saying any of those “safe dreams” are bad. But in our culture that’s permeated with comparisons and expectations, these dreams can become our main goals in life. I’m definitely guilty of that. Just look at my blog title: Smashing Sandcastle – Imperfect Life of a Perfectionist. My tendency is to do all that I can in my power to make my life look like a perfect sandcastle. Even if I think I succeed at times, ultimately that’s all it is – a sandcastle. One wave can easily wipe it away. What if…instead of building my own sandcastles and staying on the beach, God wants me to ride the waves with Him?
I think I know what you’re thinking. You are asking me to reclaim my sense of adventure. But how do I do that when my life is so ordinary? I’m a stay-at-home mom, or I have a mundane job. Every day is pretty much the same. I get up, I do all the things I have to do, I only dream of things I want to do, and I go to bed. So many of us (myself included) fall into this category more often than we’d like to admit.
His love is wild for us.
The other morning, I asked my oldest daughter to put on a long-sleeve shirt because I knew it would be cold that day. She started to give me the look of annoyance, and I immediately thought to myself: Here we go. Why can’t things be “easy” with her? After a few minutes, my daughter approached me and politely asked, “Mommy, may I please put on a short-sleeve shirt?” It made me smile, because I remembered how these types of scenes used to play out. This was the same strong-willed girl whose preschool years were incredibly challenging, as we worked with her (daily) on how to have self-control when things didn’t go her way. She’s much older now, of course, but her response that morning made me appreciate the progress we had made. She is now capable of checking her own attitude and taking the initiative to make things right (not that it happens every time). If the morning went as “easily” as I wanted, I would have missed out on this moment of appreciating the progress. His love is wild for me…and for her.
Every morning, when I get my 2-year-old son out of bed, he is full of smiles and giggles and all kinds of things to say. Everything about the moment fills me with joy, my heart is about to burst. I kiss his chubby cheeks and I soak it all in – his softness, his smell, his cuteness. I can’t believe that I’m privileged enough to experience this every morning. His love is wild for me.
I’m an ordinary person. And this is an ordinary day. But I have a wild, extraordinary God who has a purpose for me. I think that’s where it starts: being expectant of the wild adventure in midst of the ordinary.
This also includes being able to embrace the unexpected…and even the painful. I have experienced some of my dreams – my sandcastles – become destroyed by unexpected waves. How painful that was (is). But when I look back, I see that these waves led me through a greater adventure with Him. They led me to a place of deeper trust and understanding that His love is wild for me.
“Aslan is a lion – the Lion, the great Lion.” “Ooh,” said Susan. “I’d thought he was a man. Is he – quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion.”… “Safe?” said Mr. Beaver… “Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”
–C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
God, who got you started in this spiritual adventure, shares with us the life of his Son and our Master Jesus.
–1 Corinthians 1:9 The Message Bible
Unreserved, unrestrained, Your love is wild, Your love is wild for me
–Bethel Music, Pieces
Receive Like a Child.
Be expectant of the wild ADVENTURE in midst of the ordinary.
by BooParry | Mar 5, 2017 | #Receive, FaithJourney, Series
Receive the Simplicity of Following Jesus
When my children have an opportunity to pick out a prize or a gift from a wide range of choices, I have two girls who react in two completely opposite ways. One is indecisive and takes a very long time before she finally chooses a toy. She overanalyzes her decision, she has to consider all her choices, and she even has to know what her siblings chose before she chooses herself. On the other end of the spectrum, I have a child who sees what she wants and never looks back. Sometimes I try to make sure that she really saw all the choices that were available. But it usually doesn’t matter what I say, or what others chose, her decision is solid. When she has made up her mind on what she wants, there’s no other option for her. “I want that one.” Done. Game over.
I think the latter response is the more childlike one. When children are presented with a wide range of choices, it can feel overwhelming and distracting at first, but after giving a quick browse…one choice usually stands out more than the rest. One choice seems to call out to them. When that happens, children tend to have a tunnel vision. They see nothing else but that choice.
I want to go back to that. There are so many distractions and choices and responsibilities and obligations and expectations. My calendar fills up quickly. My To-Do list never ends. There’s always something that I can be doing more, or something that I can be doing better. Then there’s the monster of comparison, which only continues to become a bigger monster thanks to social media. There are also genuine concerns, often about the well-being of my children – how they are doing physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. How is our marriage doing? There are friendships to consider. Then there are global issues such as child poverty and human trafficking. What can I do to help?
There are so, so many things my mind can choose to focus on. But one stands out above the rest. One choice calls me by name.
My soul hears the call and responds, “I want that one.”
Just give me Jesus.
I long to embrace the simplicity of just following Jesus. Adults (myself included) have complicated what that means in the name of religion. I’m starting to see that Jesus never meant for it to be complicated or overwhelming. He told some fishermen, “Come, follow me, and I will send you out to fish for people” (Mark 1:17). Immediately, they left their nets and started following Him. Seriously, do we ever take a minute to really consider this? Fishing was their life, that’s all they’ve ever known. Some guy comes up to them and says to follow Him. They didn’t try to bring their stuff back to their house first, they didn’t try to pack and prepare…they immediately started following Him. None of us can even go on a vacation in the same manner. Why did they do that? I believe…it’s because Jesus was that compelling. They sensed in their heart, even though the future was unknown, that He would be enough for them. He held all the answers for them.
Zacchaeus spent one afternoon with Jesus. That was enough to turn his life completely around. He went from being a rich man who cheated people to get what he wants to a man who wanted to do right by people and give his wealth away. Really, how did such transformation happen in one day? An encounter with Jesus.
He really is that compelling, that captivating, that life-changing. Just one encounter with Him can completely turn the course of a man’s life…forever.
So practically speaking, in our everyday lives, what does it look like to just simply follow Jesus? It’s a question I hope to take some time to ponder on, and I hope to blog about it more here from time to time. For now, I think it means to consciously turn my focus on Him above all else. Practice becoming more aware of His presence. Be expectant of and look for opportunities to have special encounters with Him. Allow myself to soak in His love through nature, solitude, music, good company, His Love Letter (the Bible), or whatever means available. Learn to quiet my mind…and give Him more space to occupy it.
Jesus is calling us by name and speaking softly to our hearts: Don’t be distracted by all these choices. Don’t compare your life to everyone else’s. I’m the one you want. I’m the one your soul longs for. I’m the answer, I’m the one who can satisfy, I’m the one who can give you purpose. I’m your choice. When you are focused on Me alone, it won’t matter what everyone else’s life looks like. It won’t matter if all your to-do list is done. It won’t matter if you solved all the problems in the world, or even a single problem in your life. It will just be about you and Me. When you stay with Me, your weary soul will find rest. When you walk with Me, you will find abundant life.
Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of Earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace
Oh soul are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness to see
There’s a light for a look at the Savior
And life more abundant and free
Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.
–Jesus (Matthew 11:28-30 The Message)
Receive like a child.
Receive the childlike SIMPLICITY of following Jesus.
