by BooParry | Feb 10, 2016 | #Undone, Books, FaithJourney, Key, Series
In the last few years, ever since my “undone” process began, my perception of what a holy life looks like has changed quite significantly. Somewhere over the course of my life as a perfectionist, I had bought into the idea that living a holy life for me means being a good Christian wife and mother (all the time) and having it all together. Now, I would never admit that’s what I believed. In fact, I don’t even know if I knew that’s what I believed. If the topic came up, I would say, “Of course nobody is perfect. Everybody makes mistakes. We all will fail at perfection. Nobody has it all together.” Yet, I never truly allowed this kind of grace to apply to my own life. I was blind to the security blanket I had wrapped myself around my whole life, a blanket that gave the impression to others that I’m a good, kind, and even a holy person who has everything under control. “A+” was what I always aimed for during my school years, and I always achieved it. I was aiming for the same in my adult life (particularly in marriage and parenthood), and I thought I was achieving it. A loving God who wanted me to live the abundant, real life He intended for me had no choice but to yank the security blanket off of me. Only then could I finally face my distorted views, replace them with His truth, and begin the road of recovery.
Michele* touched a lot on perfectionism in chapters 18 through 21. Here are some key points I found to be helpful for a recovering perfectionist like myself:
Embrace the imperfections, the failures, the hurts, and not having it all-together. God must have known before He created Adam that he was going to sin. But He chose to create him anyway. I’m not a theology expert by any means, but I believe I see a glimpse of God’s heart in this process. He longed for a relationship with us more than what we can do for Him. He desired the kind of intimacy that can only come from walking with us through our messy, painful, mistake-filled life. I’m not sure if this kind of intimacy would have been possible if all of humanity managed to live a perfect, obedient, happy life. Michele said it so well: “only a marred life gives birth to the most beautiful redemption.” She also said part of the embracing is realizing that this is a “rough-draft life.” We must learn to accept that we won’t always get it right the first time and forgive ourselves when we get it wrong. I would also add that in this embracing imperfection process, a perfectionist should look back on our life and see if there is a past wound to be dealt with that caused us to become perfectionists (I will write more on this later).
Embrace the process of recovery rather than focusing on the end result. For a perfectionist, even after we realize our need to recover from perfectionism, we tend to look at this recovery process as another thing we have to ace and we become anxious for the day we achieve it. I chuckle as I write this; do you see how hopeless we are? I like what Michele’s counselor said to her: “Maybe you’re not supposed to manage all this. Maybe, instead, you’re supposed to experience it. Walk through it. Do the best you can.” As I have been going through my “undone” season, I have come to learn that recovery, healing, wholeness, and even holiness, are found in bits and pieces during the process, rather than as the end result. It’s hard for a perfectionist to understand this, because the process is so messy and untidy and unpredictable; all the adjectives we hate. Michele used a metaphor of standing too close to an impressionist painting. Everything looks messy and undone from up close. But as we step farther back, we begin to see the unexpected beauty of the whole picture. “Though appearing undone, it hints that imperfection could turn into the makings of an incredible story.” But it takes time for the whole story to unfold, for the masterpiece to be completed. Michele suggested, “Allow yourself to see beyond the chaos to the beautiful story taking shape.”
Realize that we cannot do it alone. Keep our eyes on the Master. So by now, a perfectionist has learned that we need to recover from perfectionism and that it takes time. Even after we’ve come this far, somewhere in the hidden parts of our belief system, we feel that we need to conquer this process on our own. Michele described it this way: “Alarmed by my vast army, I raised my shield and wielded my sword, assuming all responsibility for victory.” Perfectionists are very prideful and we hate to admit that we can’t do it on our own. Michele brought up the example of the disciples panicking in the storm while Jesus slept. He asked them, “Where is your faith?” I agree with Michele that even when I refuse to admit it, my faith is usually placed in myself. She gave a great example of a time she experienced panic attack while scuba diving. When her scuba master came to help, and when she saw in his eyes that he was not going to let her go, she began to transition from panic to peace.
I had to die to the self-sufficiency and arrogance that had fooled me into thinking I could do all, be all, without consequence. That I could anchor myself to my own boat and not pay the price. Thank God. He looked me in the eye, and he refused to let me go.
-Michele Cushatt, Undone
Lean to express our feelings and needs. Seek and accept help. Find a support community. It’s true that God is the One who will carry us on this road to recovery. But on the journey, He will use other people to help us along. It’s obvious that God created us for relationships and that we are not mean to do life alone. Michele said, “Laying down my independence began with saying it out loud: admitting a need and asking for help.” We also need one another for accountability. We need a safe place where we can express our faults and weaknesses, find grace, and be encouraged.
So I come back to the question: what does a holy life look like? The most valuable life lessons I learned didn’t come from those who have it all together (or appear to), who know all the right Bible verses, and who always do the right thing. I have learned the most from those who have walked through ugly messes, unimaginable pain, and big mistakes. So why is it that we try so hard to be like the first kind?
So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold – though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.
–1 Peter 1:6-7 New Living Translation
This is what a holy life looks like. Hanging onto and growing in our faith through real, genuine, undone moments of everyday life. It’s not going to look neat and tidy and perfect. It looks messy and even disastrous when we are too close to the picture. But as we step back and gain a new perspective, we will begin to see what a masterpiece we are creating with Him, our Artist and our Master.
What Michele reminded me is that I must let go of my idea of what the painting is supposed to look like. Trust my Artist through the messy, undone moments. Keep my eyes on the Master, who promises to never let me go. One day, I will see how every stroke (both tidy and untidy ones) was used to create a complete, beautiful, holy masterpiece.
*This is part of a series of posts I’m writing about a book by Michele Cushatt called Undone. This was the final post on the book, reflecting on chapters 18 to 21.
by BooParry | Dec 10, 2015 | #Undone, Books, FaithJourney, Series
Going a little farther, He fell facedown and prayed, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup pass from Me. Yet not as I will, but as You will.”
-Matthew 26:39 HCSB
What is your “cup”? For Michele, it was the news of cancer. Or suddenly being tossed back into raising small children. Or loving a teenage child who fought against her love.
For you, it may be being single when you so badly want to be married. It may be not being able to have children. It may be going through miscarriages. It may be a diagnosis. It may be an addiction. It may be being in a difficult marriage. It may be a relationship with your child.
I love how honest David is in the Psalms. “I am sick at heart. How long, O Lord, until you restore me? …I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears” (Psalm 6:3,6 NLT). I can definitely relate to those nights.
I can also relate to Michele’s desire to have life “neatly packaged” and “not too interrupting.” She said, “I would’ve done anything for boring and ordinary.” That has been (still is) my desire too often for my own life. In short, I’m a perfectionist who likes to keep my life and surroundings predictable and under control.
But God desires more for my life than that. Michele wrote, “But sometimes messy is the necessary beginning to the makings of extraordinary.”
At the end of Psalm 6, David concludes, “The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord will answer my prayer.” No matter how difficult it was for him to carry his cup, he knew that God could be trusted.
Those who have faith, deep abiding faith in an Artist who has all things under his control, have no need to rehash the past or predict the future.
-Michele Cushatt, Undone*
So I ask again, what is your cup? Remember, if it’s not difficult, it would not be considered a “sacrifice.” The most difficult cup ever given led to the greatest sacrifice, which led to the most extraordinary redemption of mankind. Let’s receive this cup that God has specifically designed for us…and allow Him to lead us into the makings of extraordinary.
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by BooParry | Nov 20, 2015 | #MomLife, #Undone, Books, Parenting, Series
Motherhood is more than posed and frameable moments.
It’s not the sum of blissful images filling the pages of a scrapbook. A mother is made in the difficult, challenging, and very real crises that never make it to a page. It’s choosing to love when you’d rather run away. Being a mother is becoming an expert at saying, “I’m sorry,” “I forgive you,” and “I love you,” as many times as necessary. And teaching your children to do the same.
It involved more hard work and less glamour than I’d dreamed once upon a time.
-Michele Cushatt, Undone*
Wow. So much truth here. If you’re not a mom yet, just know that you’ll come to realize this truth in time. The journey of motherhood. Similar to marriage, it’s not quite what you expected it to be when you were dreaming of it “once upon a time.”
Blissful. That’s the one word I would have chosen, before I became a mom, of how I expected motherhood to be like. All I have to say to that me is this: haha.
Here are a few of the many sandcastles/myths I’ve had to (or I’m still learning to) smash along the way, on my journey of motherhood so far.
Sandcastle #1: Motherhood will make me happy. Now, of course, there will be a lot of happy moments that your children will bring when you’re a mother. As well as a lot of frustrating moments, challenging moments, annoying moments, sad moments, etc. What I’ve had to learn is this. Truth: I cannot make my children responsible for my emotions. Their job is not to make me happy. Their job is to be children. My job is to parent them in love. It’s my job to look out for their best interest; it is not their job to look out for mine. I am the adult. When they do things that frustrate/annoy/inconvenience me, my natural inclination is to react, to take it out on them, and to have them pay for making me feel this way. One of the hardest things as a parent is to keep my own feelings in check. Particularly in times of discipline, I have to remember to ask myself, “Is this for their best interest, or am I reacting from my own emotions?” Oh man, this is so incredibly hard to keep in check, especially in the heat of the moment. So many popcorn prayers are necessary in these moments: God help me!
Sandcastle #2: The main purpose of motherhood is to help my children grow. Of course, a huge chunk of motherhood is about helping my children grow. But what I’ve come to realize in the last 8 years of parenting is, Truth: I’m the one who is challenged to grow the most. Motherhood exposes so much of my own shortcomings, such as anger issues, impatience, lack of self-control, weaknesses, and inadequacies. Motherhood gives me so many opportunities – daily – to grow in these areas, as I learn to rely on God and His strength more and more. It’s not about building a trophy of “look what a good mom I am.” Like Michele said, it’s more hard work and less glamour. It’s more about growing than displaying. It’s a very humbling journey. But come to think of it, how in the world did we ever think we had it figured out at the start of this journey, when we had never experienced being a mom before? Of course it would be about growing. Somehow, parenting is one area we tend to think we automatically become experts at from the start. How wrong were we!
Sandcastle #3: Conflicts and challenges reflect badly on me as a parent. I was always a well-behaved child, so I expected to have well-behaved children. I thought I would coast through motherhood like I coasted through all my years of school: straight A’s. Yeah, not quite. My firstborn came out of the gates letting me know that she will not fit into any type of a box. As a baby, she was fussy. As a toddler, she threw ridiculous tantrums. As a preschooler, she was defiant. As a human being, she was (is) strong-willed like no other. She shattered my expectation of having a well-behaved child that is admired by all other parents. Some of it may be a cultural thing, but it was easy for me to be embarrassed by her bad behavior. I automatically assumed that people would see her tantrums and rate me as a bad mother. As I had more children, and as I encountered children from other families, I quickly learned that children come in all types of temperaments and personalities. Some are naturally easy-going and obedient; some are naturally strong-willed and defiant. It is very rare to have a child who is well-behaved all the time. During one of Focus on the Family broadcasts, one of the speakers said something so profound and true (I’m paraphrasing): “You shouldn’t be embarrassed when your child misbehaves. They are children; they will do that. You should be embarrassed as a parent if you fail to deal with their misbehavior.” Conflicts and challenges are part of motherhood, they just are. Truth: Conflicts and challenges are opportunities for growth, both for the parent and the child. If my child behaved well all the time, and if there was no conflict or challenge, I may be viewed as a great mother by others. But in reality, no growth is taking place. No lesson is being taught. How I handle conflicts and challenges as a mother speaks more volume than having a child who is well-behaved all the time.
So there you have it. Some of the misconceptions I had about motherhood that I had to smash. In closing, I’d like to bring attention to how Michele ended this chapter. When her stepson was asked to say one thing he loves about her, he said that he knows she always loves him, no matter what. She wrote, “In all my mothering failings, I’d managed to get one thing right. Love. And it mattered most of all.”
Motherhood is tough. We will make many mistakes. But moms, let’s get this one thing right: love.
*This is part of a series of posts I’m writing about a book by Michele Cushatt called Undone. I will write about what God is having me reflect on after each chapter. You can just read my posts, or you can join the online book club I started. Read my Invite post and Getting Started post to find out more about the book club.
This post was reflecting on Chapters 9 and 10.
Discussion Questions for the book club:
-What misconceptions did you have about motherhood before you became a mom? If you are not a mom, what misconceptions do you think you have about motherhood? What kind of mother do you think you will be?
by BooParry | Oct 22, 2015 | #Undone, Books, FaithJourney, Series
How many of us can relate to the feeling of running on empty? For me, it comes in two ways. There’s the everyday, being a mom to four kids, exhausted, things are not up to my standard and I’m irritable…type of “I’m spent” feeling. Then, there’s the kind that comes with emotional trauma: my “undone” moment happens, I’m unraveled, I’m emotionally spent, and I come to the same place Michele described: “God, I have nothing. Nothing. You’re going to have to show up in a big way.”
I’m there right now…and it’s a mixture of the two kinds I described above. In these moments, I feel so “unpresentable.” I feel so far from the ideal image of myself. And I feel alone. I try to pour out my feelings to my husband, but sometimes, I end up feeling worse. I either feel that he doesn’t understand, or I feel even more of a mess than I originally did, because I’m throwing a mini temper tantrum at him out of my crazy emotions. This is not the “me” I want to present to him, or to the rest of my family, or to my friends.
Yet, in those moments, I feel like a real human. I feel that all pretense is gone, my own efforts are relinquished, and I’m exactly where God wants me to be. As Apostle Paul put it, that’s the place where I’m forced to trust God totally, instead of relying on my own strength or goodness.
It was so bad we didn’t think we were going to make it. We felt like we’d been sent to death row, that it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally—not a bad idea since he’s the God who raises the dead! And he did it, rescued us from certain doom. And he’ll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing.
–2 Corinthians 1:8-10 The Message Bible
I love these words Michele shared in Chapter 8, and I agree wholeheartedly.
Few things display unadulterated beauty like a pouring out when you’ve nothing to give. It must come from an otherwordly place, a well whose source you do not control. In that weak and lonely place of utter dependency, I learned a little bit about what it means to be a living sacrifice.
-Michele Cushatt, Undone*
It’s not an easy, comfortable place to be. It’s hard. It’s lonely. But, as she said, there’s beauty there. It’s only when we reach the end of ourselves that we experience this “utter dependency” on God. It’s only in this place that we truly begin to understand what Peal meant when he said, “It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me” (Galatians 2:20).
So, whether you’re running on empty because of everyday stress of life, or because you are in your undone process and you’re emotionally spent, know that as Paul said, “it’s the best thing that could have happened.” Trust me, I know it doesn’t feel like it, but it is. In this place of emptiness, when you have nothing left of yourself to give, God meets you and rescues you. And this type of life experience will have much bigger impact in your circle of influence than anything you could have accomplished on your own. Again, Michele couldn’t have said it better: “Authenticity ministers far more than put-togetherness. And vulnerability builds a far stronger bond than perfection.”
Let’s meet one another in this place of vulnerability and emptiness. Let’s remind one another of God’s grace – and of His power to rescue…time and time again.
*This is part of a series of posts I’m writing about a book by Michele Cushatt called Undone. I will write about what God is having me reflect on after each chapter. You can just read my posts, or you can join the online book club I started. Read my Invite post and Getting Started post to find out more about the book club.
This post was reflecting on Chapters 7 and 8.
Discussion Questions for the book club:
-No specific discussion questions for this week. I’d love to hear what jumped out at you from these two chapters.
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by BooParry | Oct 7, 2015 | #Undone, Books, Marriage, Series
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
-Sam Keen (as cited in Undone, Chapter 5, by Michele Cushatt*)
You may not marry a perfect person, but if you find a humble person, they will become increasingly perfect throughout their lifetime – and it will be a joy, not a burden, to walk bedside them as they do.
-Ron Deal
After being married for nine years, I find so much truth in the above statements. I believe the underlying thread is humility. Here is a tidbit for you singles, something I never knew while I was a single person: marriage is so much more about humility than it is about romance. Yup. Sorry, it’s true. But here’s the good part. As each spouse grows in humility and, as Michele put it, learns to pay “more attention to what [is] beautiful and good than to the handful of things that [are] wrong,” the byproducts you experience will be romance and happiness. Here’s the best part. This type of love, built on mutual humility and trust, will be sweeter than anything you dreamed of while you were single. And the love just keeps growing.
When I first met Allan, I did not have a “head-over-heels” crush on him. He started showing interest and pursuing immediately, and if you know him, you know that he doesn’t hold anything back. I remember telling one of my friends, “He’s nice…but he’s a bit…much.” Good thing he was persistent; he gave me time to push through my doubts.
In the first few years of being together (dating and marriage), we had some major communication style clashes and we also were faced with some trying times that added extra burden onto our relationship. I think the main hurdle to overcome though, more than all of that, was my own idealistic expectation of who I wanted Allan to be for me. Once I began to put my own expectations aside and opened my eyes to who God created him to be…my love for him deepened, and I appreciated and enjoyed our marriage so much more. For example, I wanted him to be more “romantic” like he was when we first met (flowers, surprise notes, etc.). I began to see though, how “romantic” and affectionate and caring he already was being through everything he does for me. He shares in all the household duties (his share may actually be more than mine), he lets me get away for my alone time while he takes care of the kids, he makes my coffee/tea every morning, and he makes sure that we have our “coffee time” in the morning and “snuggle time” at night…just to name a few. Another example is that I wanted him to be sensitive and be able to listen like my girlfriends did when I was expressing my feelings to him. Um, yeah. Not going to happen with a guy. I mean, he tries his best…he really does. Some days are better than others. But it’s never going to be exactly like pouring my heart out to one of my closest girlfriends, who knows exactly how to respond. Instead, I began to see that he’s never afraid to speak the truth in love, even if it may offend me a little in that moment. He is always honest with me, out of his love for me.
Ten years later, I am way more in love with him than when we first met. I appreciate him so much more. I sometimes even get a little giddy like a high school girl when I see him or think about him. Our love continues to grow. Aside from having Jesus as our firm foundation, I can attribute the ever increasing joy of our marriage to one main factor: humility.
*This is part of a series of posts I’m writing about a book by Michele Cushatt called Undone. I will write about what God is having me reflect on after each chapter.
This post was reflecting on Chapters 5 and 6.
Discussion Questions for the book club:
–If you are married, what were some of your mate’s attributes that irritated you at first but became something you appreciate? If you are single, what idealistic expectations do you think you have towards your future mate?
–Even though I only covered Chapter 5 in the above post, Chapter 6 had some profound statements. I loved how Michele came to the conclusion that peace wasn’t a feeling or absence of fear. Peace is a person. In what tangible ways has the Prince of Peace shown Himself to you (the example Michele gave was the Christmas Eve service she attended)?
