Surrender to Victory

by | Mar 27, 2013 | FaithJourney, Key, Single

The following is a journal entry from seven years ago, when Allan and I were engaged. To this day, our dating and engagement period has been the toughest season we have faced in our relationship by far. We were constantly faced with conflicts caused by fears, opposite personalities, and unrealistic expectations, as we learned to communicate and do life together.

This particular entry was written on March 18, 2006.

“Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.” Psalm 126:5-6

This is the passage You showed me last night. It has been a very tough battle/challenge these last few days.

I go through a great turmoil when reality doesn’t match my ideal. Relationship is hard. It’s hard to share my life with another imperfect person…and it’s even harder to realize how imperfect I am and have my imperfections be exposed to the other person. It’s hard to face conflicts or disappointments…and to learn how to communicate through them. When conflict happens on a regular basis, I get so exhausted.

I see how pleasant I am around other people (besides him). I realize how much I’ve enjoyed that…and I really miss it. Sometimes I’m hesitant to see him at night or answer his call because I’m afraid the worst part of me will come out again, just because things didn’t go exactly the way I wanted.  This also clashes with my ideal that I shouldn’t feel this way about spending time with my fiancé. This whole challenge clashes with my ideal that I’m not supposed to be such a difficult person to deal with. The cycle just keeps getting worse.

It does, however, bring me back to my knees. I remember that You are always here to rescue me from this endless cycle of doubts, fears, and over-analyzing. I keep coming back to a place of faith. It’s my faith that’s being easily attacked, even intimidated, which is causing all this fear. I come back to the realization that I need more faith. More faith in God, who has never failed me, who promises to never leave me. More faith in Allan, who has stuck by my side so faithfully thus far…who has expressed so much love for God and for me. More faith in this relationship that has been given to us from God, where we can complement each other and glorify God more powerfully together than on our own.  More faith in myself…who, after truly accepting God’s love, have always found my way back to Him. Who, with His help, have been able to endure any trial and challenge without giving up. Who have consistently sought His will and His guidance for me and my future family.

Last night and this morning, You brought me to a place of total surrender. I kept having crazy thoughts of what if the wedding has to be postponed or canceled…how would I face everyone. You reminded me that You’re the only One I ultimately answer to. I have given You full reign over my life. I need to be willing to leave everything in Your hands – the wedding, the marriage, everything. And I must be willing to give it up if You ask me to. It won’t make sense to me at all, but the command to sacrifice Isaac didn’t make sense to Abraham either. But through his faith and total surrender, Your glory was revealed…and You brought the sweetest victory for him. It will be the same for me. I will always choose You, Lord. Everything I have belongs to You. Where You call me to, I will go. What You want to take from me, it’s Yours. What You ask me to do, I’ll do. I long for this kind of heart always. May I always seek Your face.

I desire to hold the gifts You give me with open hands. I want my life to reveal Your glory and goodness. This morning, as I was on my knees, all I could let out with my voice was, “I surrender, I surrender, I surrender…everything to You.”

I do surrender all…it’s not I who live, but Christ living in me. May that be true to every part of my being.  I will face every trial necessary, whatever it takes, for me to fulfill Your will and purpose.

My faith, my love, my undying devotion to my God. This is the legacy I desire to leave to my children and for a thousand generations to come. I want them to know that I sought after God with all of my heart…and that I always found Him.

You have brought me an amazing partner to share this journey with. We seek Your guidance, every step of the way.

As I read this and ponder back, I can see that from this place of surrender, God began an amazing work in and through our relationship, which is still unfolding today. As the verse at the beginning says, the seeds of our relationship were sown with tears, and now we are reaping the harvest with indescribable joy. When I give it all to God, He takes it and gives it back a hundred fold. My life is a living example of that…time and time again. I will testify to this truth until my dying breath: surrendering to Jesus always brings the sweetest victory. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s true. It’s true.

I have decided to follow Jesus;
No turning back, no turning back.
Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.
The world behind me, the cross before me;
No turning back, no turning back.
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.
Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
No turning back, no turning back.

-hymn attributed to S. Sundar Singh

The UNeasy Road to Victory Part 2

by | Jul 17, 2012 | Parenting

(Continued from Part 1)

I wish I could say the day got easier after this, but she had two more rounds in store for us before the day was over. I guess God was not through with answering my prayer. The good thing was, each round was shorter and less intense than the one before…which was definitely a progress!

I guess the sandcastle that’s been hardest to smash in all this is the expectation that I should get an A on my report card instantly if I work hard at it. I seek guidance, I pray, I use all my strength to be consistent and do the right thing, yet I see very little (or slow) progress. Granted, it’s only been about two weeks since I began the most recent reset process, but I find myself seeking for that immediate A. As a perfectionist in school, I achieved straight A’s easily and instantly. Unfortunately, it’s not as simple with parenting. I know that Allan and I are doing the right thing…maybe not in everything, but we sure are doing our very best. Yet sometimes, the road gets tougher.

As I was pondering all this, I came across this verse in my daily Bible reading:

Let us then fearlessly and confidently and boldly draw near to the throne of grace (the throne of God’s unmerited favor to us sinners), that we may receive mercy [for our failures] and find grace to help in good time for every need [appropriate help and well-timed help, coming just when we need it].
-Hebrews 4:16 (Amplified Bible)

I am holding on to this promise: I can always find God’s grace to help me, at just the right time. I choose to trust in His word, daily, rather than my circumstances or my own progress report.

Another sweet reminder from God came at church yesterday. Before going to church, Peanut threw a blatant attitude towards me, and she lost a privilege. She screamed the whole way to church. I kept my calm, knowing she feeds off of my emotions. As I parked the car at church and looked into her eyes, I was fighting with all my might to not let the tears that were filling up fall down my face. I was about to enter into my discouragement zone again. After checking the kids in and finding our seats, I sighed a simple prayer: Lord, I can really use some kind of confirmation today, no matter how small. I need to know that this is all worth it. In my heart I believe I am raising a leader. Everything looks messy and tough right now, but I need to know that victory is on its way.

Friends, let me tell you, I have a loving Father who loves to answer my prayers. Sometimes instantly. The title of the sermon was “The Place of Victory.” I’m not kidding. To make a long story short, the message confirmed to me two things that I desperately needed to be reminded of:

1. I am raising a great leader for God – a pillar of faith. (In the sermon, the pastor talked about how Jesus believed this about His brother James for 33 years…and it eventually came true, in a BIG way.)

2. The victory has already been won for me by Jesus on the cross. Through Him, I have full access to all the resources I need to be victorious in every situation. It may not “look” like a victory to the world (just as His death on the cross or His brother’s martyrdom did not look like a victory at the time). I may not see the full effect of each victory on this side of heaven. But that’s OK. I will keep walking this road to victory in faith.

In this current season, raising my strong-willed Peanut is my “cup.” The cup that I sometimes want to pass on, yet not my will but Yours. I will let go of the idea that it should be easy. I will let go of the idea that the finish line is near. I will not fear any drawbacks that will come along the way. I will not seek empty praise from the world or worry about their criticism. Instead, I will keep believing in the vision God has given me and keep walking faithfully in His calling. As I smash my own castles built by sand, I believe that someday I will stand in awe in front of a beautiful castle built on solid ground. I WILL see the harvest of what I’m sowing into my daughter. I will thank God for allowing me to take part in the building process of such magnificent castle, so intricately and wonderfully designed by Him…for His glory.

Oh yes, it will be all worth it.

Share

Pin It on Pinterest