Undone: A Perfect Mate

by | Oct 7, 2015 | #Undone, Books, Marriage, Series

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

-Sam Keen (as cited in Undone, Chapter 5, by Michele Cushatt*)

 

You may not marry a perfect person, but if you find a humble person, they will become increasingly perfect throughout their lifetime – and it will be a joy, not a burden, to walk bedside them as they do.

-Ron Deal

After being married for nine years, I find so much truth in the above statements. I believe the underlying thread is humility. Here is a tidbit for you singles, something I never knew while I was a single person: marriage is so much more about humility than it is about romance. Yup. Sorry, it’s true. But here’s the good part. As each spouse grows in humility and, as Michele put it, learns to pay “more attention to what [is] beautiful and good than to the handful of things that [are] wrong,” the byproducts you experience will be romance and happiness. Here’s the best part. This type of love, built on mutual humility and trust, will be sweeter than anything you dreamed of while you were single. And the love just keeps growing.

When I first met Allan, I did not have a “head-over-heels” crush on him. He started showing interest and pursuing immediately, and if you know him, you know that he doesn’t hold anything back. I remember telling one of my friends, “He’s nice…but he’s a bit…much.” Good thing he was persistent; he gave me time to push through my doubts.

In the first few years of being together (dating and marriage), we had some major communication style clashes and we also were faced with some trying times that added extra burden onto our relationship. I think the main hurdle to overcome though, more than all of that, was my own idealistic expectation of who I wanted Allan to be for me. Once I began to put my own expectations aside and opened my eyes to who God created him to be…my love for him deepened, and I appreciated and enjoyed our marriage so much more. For example, I wanted him to be more “romantic” like he was when we first met (flowers, surprise notes, etc.). I began to see though, how “romantic” and affectionate and caring he already was being through everything he does for me. He shares in all the household duties (his share may actually be more than mine), he lets me get away for my alone time while he takes care of the kids, he makes my coffee/tea every morning, and he makes sure that we have our “coffee time” in the morning and “snuggle time” at night…just to name a few. Another example is that I wanted him to be sensitive and be able to listen like my girlfriends did when I was expressing my feelings to him. Um, yeah. Not going to happen with a guy. I mean, he tries his best…he really does. Some days are better than others. But it’s never going to be exactly like pouring my heart out to one of my closest girlfriends, who knows exactly how to respond. Instead, I began to see that he’s never afraid to speak the truth in love, even if it may offend me a little in that moment. He is always honest with me, out of his love for me.

Ten years later, I am way more in love with him than when we first met. I appreciate him so much more. I sometimes even get a little giddy like a high school girl when I see him or think about him. Our love continues to grow. Aside from having Jesus as our firm foundation, I can attribute the ever increasing joy of our marriage to one main factor: humility.

*This is part of a series of posts I’m writing about a book by Michele Cushatt called Undone.  I will write about what God is having me reflect on after each chapter. 

This post was reflecting on Chapters 5 and 6.

Discussion Questions for the book club: 

–If you are married, what were some of your mate’s attributes that irritated you at first but became something you appreciate? If you are single, what idealistic expectations do you think you have towards your future mate?

–Even though I only covered Chapter 5 in the above post, Chapter 6 had some profound statements. I loved how Michele came to the conclusion that peace wasn’t a feeling or absence of fear. Peace is a person. In what tangible ways has the Prince of Peace shown Himself to you (the example Michele gave was the Christmas Eve service she attended)?

Spell It Out

Spell It Out

by | Oct 21, 2013 | Marriage

After 7.5 years of marriage, we’re still working on this thing called communication. I’m sure it’s a lifelong process. It continually amazes me to see just how different men and women really are.

During our dating stage, we experienced MANY bumps on the road in this area. Not only did we face the typical gender differences, we also came from two opposite backgrounds in the way we communicate. Allan’s style was “Fight to Win” (who can prove their point the best). My style was “Withdraw” (not be forthcoming but give subtle – or not so subtle – hints that I’m offended).  These two styles combined made one big mess, with lots of emotional breakdowns (on my part) and equal amount of frustrations (on Allan’s part).

Most men want to fix. Most women just want to be heard. We realized this pretty early on (as we faced week after week of communication glitches during our dating/engagement year). All the practice definitely paid off and we both began to improve in our communication. But there’s always more to learn.

Lately Allan seemed to be following the rule of “DO NOT TRY TO FIX” like it’s the law. So much so that he became hesitant to say anything when I was pouring my heart out to him. He would be dead silent. Not only that, he didn’t give out any kind of nonverbal response either.  I began to feel like I’m talking to a wall.

I used to be very hesitant to tell him how I want him to respond or what I want him to say. It’s like I’m giving him a script – how romantic is that!? However, after talking to some married women who have gone before me, I realized that sometimes, I have to help him out…because the truth is, men really have no clue what women want/need during our emotional moments.  Remember all those hours on the phone you spent consoling your girlfriend about her latest breakup? Yeah, our husbands never did that. They are not wired like us (women are made to comfort and nurture), nor did they gain much experience in this area in their man-circle.

So yes, sometimes…we just have to SPELL IT OUT.

I’m not talking about nagging. That’s just annoying for anyone to endure. I’m talking about those moments when I’m pouring my heart out – and I know he wants to help. He really does care, you know. Most of us are blessed enough to be married to a good man.  But in that hard-pressed moment when I’m being an emotional basket case, he has little clue on how to show that he cares, other than by trying to come up with a solution.

This is what it looked like for us during our last heart-to-heart.

(These were some of the responses Allan gave to my emotional turmoil, after I told him I don’t want him to just be silent).
A: Maybe we just need to talk more about stuff like this everyday…. Maybe we need more date nights….
Me: Those are more “solutions.” What I really need right now is Compassion…to know that you care about my pain…to know that you hurt when I’m hurting.
A:  Of course I care. That’s why when you’re under stress, I try to help in any way I can….do the dishes, laundry, etc….
Me: I know, and I appreciate all that. But I’m talking about THIS MOMENT…here and now. When I pour out my deepest feelings to you, in this moment, I want to know that you care about what I’m going through.
A: I obviously do care…well, I guess it’s not so “obvious” as I thought. Sometimes I don’t know what I can/can’t say to show that I care. I feel like I’m treading on thin ice.
Me:  I understand how you’ve come to feel that way, from our past conversations. But any words of compassion will do. You can say, “I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this….”

Our conversation significantly improved after this.  I thanked him for engaging in the conversation and responding with warmth. I told him that was very helpful. He confirmed that he understood what I was trying to say: “You don’t want to feel like I’m just twiddling my thumb thinking, When is this crazy girl going to be done with her emotional rants?” EXACTLY! That’s precisely what I was trying to communicate to him.

I later told him that any form of physical touch would help too (holding hands, letting me cry on his shoulder, etc.). We both decided that sitting across from each other at the table (as we were doing) was probably not the best setting to talk. We want to be sitting on the same side. After all, we’re playing on the same team…and ladies, that’s pretty much all the assurance we’re looking for during those moments…right?

So romantic or not, I agree with my mentors – sometimes, in a non-judgmental, non-nagging way, we just have to spell it all out for our gents.

C-O-M-P-A-S-S-I-O-N. It’s not spelled S-O-L-U-T-I-O-N. It’s not spelled E-X-P-L-A-N-A-T-I-O-N. And the very latest lesson was that it’s not spelled N-O-R-E-S-P-O-N-S-E.

As we learn more about each other and as we gain more practice, I know the journey will keep getting sweeter and sweeter. Love it!

Work As Worship

Work As Worship

by | Sep 21, 2013 | FaithJourney, Marriage, Parenting

A couple of weeks ago, I hit a really low point.

I think every housewife/mom can relate to these moments. Moments when you feel undervalued, under-appreciated, and overworked. Dishes. Laundry. Diaper changes. Cooking. Serving. Driving. More dishes. More laundry. Husband comes home late from a hard day at work. But oh, do not tell me about a hard day…thanks to you being late, my hard day was made longer. Let’s talk ungrateful kids. I take all this time to plan our weekly menu, picking out what’s healthy yet yummy, go grocery shopping, do all the prep work, and even bake my own bread, only for them to tell me, “Mommy, I don’t like it.” Really!? Then there’s the hair. Oh the hair. My Goliath that I have to face every morning. They complain that it hurts. I can’t get them to be still. Their frustration turns into my frustration and vice versa. At the end of it, even Allan is frustrated listening to all this madness taking place. He blurts out, “You know, you really should figure something else out for hair…maybe something easier.” WRONG COMMENT, Buddy!!! Your non-morning-person of a wife, who was already hot, just got hotter (and I don’t mean in an attractive way). My breaking point was this: in midst of all this frustration, Peanut asked me to help her put on her socks. I stopped all the housework I was doing (for them, mind you), and helped her put her socks on. They were really tight, so it took me a few minutes. Afterwards, instead of a “thank you,” what I received was: “They’re too tight.” That was it. I was done. I just walked into my bedroom, took all the self-control I had to not slam the door behind me, and went into my closet to defuse. I didn’t have to explain anything to Allan. He knew he had to take over from there.

After Allan came home from dropping Peanut off at school, we had a heart-to-heart over coffee (as we always do when I have these moments). I sobbed and told him how I truly felt (as I always do at these heart-to-heart conversations). “It’s like I’m trying so hard and nothing gets appreciated. Instead, what’s always pointed out is something wrong that I’m doing.” I hate these moments…because the “ME monster” in me comes out and can’t be restrained. What about ME? Think about ME. ME. ME. ME! Yet I can’t help it sometimes. Allan is always so gracious with me, calmly listening and taking in what I have to say. He even apologized for the hair comment earlier; he said he was only trying to help. I already knew that. I told him I’m just irritated…and I’m venting. He prayed for me.

I then went into the bedroom and opened a book that I’ve been reading. It happened to be on a chapter that spoke to the very place where I was at. I love how God does this…all the time.

The chapter was about bowing our work to God in worship. Doing every task, no matter how small or mundane, as an act of worship to God. Here are some quotes that I read that day:

“To work is to worship; to worship is to work.”

“Lord, let each task…diaper changes, preparing meals, washing clothes, answering my two-year-old’s endless questions…be done as an act of worship to you.”

“Do your best. Work from the heart for your real Master, for God, confident that you’ll get paid in full when you come into your inheritance. Keep in mind always that the ultimate Master you’re serving is Christ.” Colossians 3:23-24 The Message Bible

“He sees and values all that you do when you do it for Him.”

“We feel that we must achieve to feel significant, but God says, ‘Be faithful in your work, my daughter, and you will find significance in my sight.'”

“In God’s eyes, there is no division between the scared and the secular. He is the Creator of all. ALL your work is important to Him! He is in all, over all, and longs for you to glorify Him in all…for you to lift up your work as worship to Him.”

“Work becomes sacred based on how we perform it.”

I hate cleaning. Absolutely hate it. But I do it, with my youngest daughter following me around with a duster, with worship music on full blast. This is my sacred act of worship.

I am an introvert and would rather spend all day working on a project or writing or reading. But I pick myself up, go over next week’s meal plan, and start making my grocery list (I would much rather be using that same laptop to blog!). It’s all for God. This is the spot, this is the role, this is the season He has entrusted me with. It will never come back again. Every little act of service I do for my family is ultimately for God. It all becomes my sacred act of worship.

Since then, I try to remember this truth: in God’s eyes, there is no division between sacred and secular…between mundane and significant. When it’s done for God’s glory, it all becomes sacred and significant.

God really wanted me to know that on that day. If you can relate to the kind of day I described, I know He wants you to know that, too. When you feel undervalued, HE sees great value in you AND your work. When you feel under-appreciated, HE wants to shout, “THANK YOU…for taking care of My children (husband included). P.S. You are also increasing your inheritance in heaven.”

I think it’s OK to have one of those crazy moments…when we can no longer hold in our frustrations. But always, I find my way back to resting my soul in the presence of God. That’s what I did on this day, and Jesus sweetly whispered to me, “Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me” (Matthew 25:40).

The quotes were taken from the book Satisfy My Weary Soul: For I am Desperate for Your Presence by Linda Dillow. I highly recommend this book!

10 Years

by | Sep 13, 2013 | FaithJourney, Marriage, Parenting, Single

Last month was the 10th anniversary of my big move from California to Florida. My new life in Florida began on August 21, 2003.
This made me think of who I was 10 years ago…and who I am now.

ME 10 years ago:
-Young (Boy, was I young! 23 years old. I had no clue how “young” I really was back then, or how much freedom I had to enjoy, haha.)
-Shy, scared to talk to new people
-Homesick for California
-Moved back in with my parents
-Loved God…but also looking for my future mate to fill my needs and desires. I was so anxious for “my happily ever after” to arrive!
-Loved to journal and play with photos
-Not a big reader
-Not a kid person, although I knew I wanted a big family someday

ME now:
-Married for 7 years
-Three daughters
-Just returned from China to adopt our new daughter
-Led numerous small groups (parenting and MOPS groups). Love to speak/teach in front of people.
-Love God more than ever…knows He is the One who fills ALL of my needs and desires.
-Learning more about truly becoming who I was created to be…a worshiper of God, not just in songs but also with every detail of my life.
-Love to blog and play with photos
-Love to read

Life lessons learned….

By being married to my husband, I have learned the true meaning of LOVE. LOVE is not a romantic happily ever after, but a daily choice to say “I do.” Marriage is an opportunity TO LOVE and serve. Opportunity to grow. Yes, it has many happy, joyful moments full of laughter. But there are tough times as well, and God MUST be our rock.

By being a mother to Peanut, I learned more about FAITH (which also happens to be her middle name). Motherhood is not a constant blissful season that I dreamed of. It’s a constant LEANING on God to guide me with wisdom. Constant test of faith (especially when blessed with a strong-willed child!): to stay consistent even if I don’t see the fruit right away, continue to have FAITH in the BIG plans God has for my child, and continue to parent towards the future.

By being a mother to LittleBit, I have experienced so much JOY. There is so much joy in parenting. The “oh you are so cute” moments really make all the frustrations from the day disappear. I’m learning to find joy in the little things. I’m learning to take a break from the busyness of life…and just ENJOY the blessings that are all around me.

Within these past two months of being a mother to Mini-Lu, I’ve been a recipient of abundant GRACE.  It’s not about being a perfect mom who has it all together. Sometimes I mess up…badly. Sometimes my children show goodness “in spite of” my parenting and not “because of” my parenting. But even in this, God is whispering to me, “It’s OK. You will mess up sometimes. But keep trying. Keep learning. Keep growing. Keep leaning on Me to be the mom I have created you to be.” With each new child, God enlarges my capacity. He also shows me GRACE through my children. Often times, they are so much more gracious than I am. They are so resilient and forgiving. Their love and trust in me do not waver. Everyday, I receive a dosage of God’s GRACE through my children, and most especially through Mini-Lu.

I love my life. Oh, how I love my life. It’s not always easy. I have many more days of feeling exhausted, frustrated, and out-of-control than I did ten years ago. But I would not trade this life for what I had. No, definitely not. I have more gray hairs and wrinkles…and my nails are hardly ever polished. But…I have gained so much more wisdom, love, joy, and strength on the inside…through all that God has allowed me to experience in the last ten years. Most importantly, Jesus is more real to me than ever before.

Here’s the biggest lesson I learned in the last 10 years. 10 years ago, I was chasing after my perfect sandcastle…my happily ever after. 10 years later, I’ve learned…it’s when my own sandcastle is SMASHED, when I’m broken, and when I’m so very aware of how imperfect I am…these are the times I run the fastest into the arms of my Father. In midst of this sweet surrender, I finally find my “happily ever after”: my heart so engulfed by His love that I don’t know whose heartbeat I’m listening to…mine or His.

No, I wouldn’t trade this Divine Romance for any other kind of life this world may have to offer.

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