by BooParry | Apr 29, 2013 | FaithJourney, Key, Marriage
We all enter marriage with an optimistic view. We enter with some sort of a sandcastle-type image of what our marriage will look like. In our vows, we exchange words such as “my best friend,” “my life’s companion,” “my true love,” and “together forever.” When we’re standing at the altar, not many of us think of the hard times we may face in our marriage. No, we’re dreaming of all the good times. We’re picturing eternal bliss. That’s why, at the altar, it’s easy to vow the words “until death do us part.”
After the wedding comes the honeymoon. But shortly after the honeymoon…life happens. You both thought you were so great at meeting each other’s needs and desires. Then, one day, you have a really bad day…and you’re waiting for your spouse to help you feel better. Little did you know, he also had a really bad day (maybe worse than yours), and he’s anxiously waiting for you to help him feel better. When you see each other, you both quickly discover that your expectations are not being met. You’re disappointed. Disappointment turns into self-pity; self-pity turns into resentment. Before long, you’re thinking to yourself: This is not how I thought it was going to look like.
Jesus knew exactly what it was going to look like, when He decided to enter into a love relationship with humanity. He knew we’d have many bad days. He knew we’d betray Him. He knew we’d reject Him. He knew we’d disappoint Him. But He came anyway. He served anyway. He loved anyway. He gave His all for us anyway. The Bible compares earthly marriage covenant to the divine covenant between Christ and the church. There’s nothing He didn’t give. He completely set Himself aside for the sake of those He loved. His love was characterized by humility.
The longer I’m married, the more I’m convinced of this truth. Most of us have a wrong idea about the goal of marriage. The primary goal of marriage is not happiness. The primary goal of marriage is that we learn to love like Jesus. Marriage provides a great opportunity for us to grow in this area. I experience this opportunity daily. It’s hard, extremely hard, to put my needs and desires aside. Trust me, I know how hard it is; I grew up as an only child! Let’s think about this again. After I have a bad day with the kids, I anxiously wait for Allan to come home, hoping (actually pretty much expecting) he will take over. He’s late. I’m irritated. He finally comes home. Not only is he late, he’s irritated over something that happened at work. Wait a minute! What gives him the right? It’s my turn! Who, in their natural state of mind, can at that moment set aside their own frustrations and instead focus on meeting the needs of their spouse? Yet what better opportunity can there be to practice what Jesus did for us? I know I can’t, not with my own strength. I not only need Christ’s example to follow, I need His power and grace daily to love like He did.
I have not conquered this skill…not even in the least. But I am committed to growing. I’m committed because Christ made the same commitment to me. “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). Thankfully, I’m married to a man who is also committed to this goal. He’s actually way better at expressing unselfish love than I am. We both still have so much more room to grow. Yet what we’re discovering is this: when we focus on the primary goal God has for marriage (learning to love like Christ), then the other goal we had for ourselves (happiness) comes as a natural by-product. No, everyday is not perfect…but for the most part, we are sincerely happy and we enjoy our marriage immensely.
Of course, I’m not referring at all to being a doormat or tolerating abuse/infidelity from your spouse. I’m simply referring to everyday opportunities that come in marriage, when we can either act out of selfishness or choose to place the other person before us. This can easily apply to other relationships as well. Marriage, in my opinion, gives us the most amount of opportunity. And it’s a lifelong opportunity. When we keep this goal in mind, with God as our help, we can vow the words “until death do us part” and never break the promise.
May we grow to love with a love like His…
Don’t act out of selfish ambition or be conceited. Instead, humbly think of others as being better than yourselves. Don’t be concerned only about your own interests, but also be concerned about the interests of others. Have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.
Although he was in the form of God and equal with God,
he did not take advantage of this equality.
Instead, he emptied himself by taking on the form of a servant,
by becoming like other humans,
by having a human appearance.
He humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death,
death on a cross.
Philippians 2:3-8
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by BooParry | Dec 10, 2012 | Marriage, Single
I want to express my thoughts very carefully today. I don’t want them to be misunderstood. So please keep an open mind and hear me out, and I will do my best to articulate my thoughts and my intentions as clearly as I possibly can.
My husband and I have a blessed marriage. As I repeated several times, this blog is about being real. I’ve written about some real challenges we’ve faced in our marriage (see Marriage and Anger or Marriage and Disappointment). We definitely experienced some communication glitches (especially during our dating stage), and we still do at times. We’ve had some external factors (such as the café trial) that brought some tough seasons into our marriage.
But as I look back on the last seven years together…I can honestly say, we have a very blessed marriage. There’s never a time either of us have felt, “I want out.” Apart from the dating stage, I don’t remember anything being so tough in our relationship that we’ve felt, “This is so hard. I don’t know how my spouse and I will get through this.” Again, we’ve had some difficult life challenges, but our bond has only grown through every challenge. We truly enjoy spending time with each other. We share everything with each other. We laugh together, a lot. Most of the time, those moments don’t involve our children. This is a common scene you’ll find in our home: Allan and I laughing our heads off about something at the dining table, and our children looking at us like, “Here they go again.” We flirt over texts and phone often, and we still can’t get enough of the kisses, hugs, and cuddles. This is not to “show off” our marriage, but to paint an honest picture of how truly, deeply we enjoy our marriage…every day.
Here is the part I want to mention but don’t want to be misunderstood. I believe, with all my heart, that this blessed marriage didn’t happen by some good luck. I believe it’s directly tied to how we honored God in our dating relationship, as well as how we continue to honor God above all else. This is not about “look how good we are,” and I certainly don’t mean to cast any judgment on other relationships. I know that God has a different story for each person/couple. I felt strongly in my heart though, that I should not be ashamed to tell our story of how God has been guiding us to keep Him first, and how much joy and blessing have come out of our very intentional journey. My hope is that this will encourage other couples (dating or married) in their journey.
I’m currently doing a Bible study on the book of James by Beth Moore. James 4:7-8 says, “Therefore, submit to God. But resist the Devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” Here is how Beth Moore puts it: “Put your sweet self under God. Entirely.” Then the devil will flee, but he doesn’t flee from us. “He runs from God who is standing there right over us every time we submit.” What an incredible picture…and one that Allan and I can very much relate to! We submitted our relationship to God from the very beginning. Did we do everything perfectly? No. But with every possible effort, we made sure to stay under God’s covering. We honored His commands, with the biggest one being abstaining from sex until we were married. We sought after His wisdom and His guidance before making any big decision. We cried out to Him for help when we faced those communication glitches I mentioned. We sought out godly counsel through books, sermons, mentors, and pastoral counseling. Now I can look back and see – the devil that did NOT want to see God honored in our relationship ran from us, because God was standing right over us. This is still the case today, and the prayer of my heart is that we will always submit ourselves under God’s protection and guidance. This is not a one-time commitment; it’s a daily commitment. We humble ourselves under the mighty hand of God, and we’ve seen Him lift us up (1 Peter 5:6).
I want to encourage you, singles, and those who may be facing challenges in their marriage. By submitting to God, you cannot go wrong. You can’t. Maybe your partner/spouse is not willing to submit. Keep submitting yourself to God anyway, by yourself. Under His covering, you are safe. He will never let you go. You and I will stumble, yes, but we will never fall. He will never let us fall. Blessings will always follow.
Psalm 37:3-6;23-24
Trust in the Lord and do good.
Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.
Commit everything you do to the Lord.
Trust him, and he will help you.
He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.
The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand.
Be encouraged, my friends, the Lord is for you…not against you.
Oh, I almost forgot, I also don’t mean to imply that there’s no hope for those who didn’t submit to God. I will always be a firm believer though, that the best blessings are experienced when we follow God 100%. It is never too late. God is the God of second, third, one-hundredth chances. Hallelujah.
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by BooParry | Oct 24, 2012 | Marriage
Sometimes I wonder if people think I’m sharing too much of my business on Facebook (or on this blog). It’s just that I have a big passion for “Keeping it real,” and I feel that there’s not enough of that going on, especially within the Christian community (read more on my intro here about that).
Anyway, I wanted to share details of the “heated discussion” emails that were exchanged between my husband and me.
Background: My husband is very overprotective of our family (as he should be). Sometimes, in areas where he’s more passionate, my attitude is more of “que sera sera” (whatever will be, will be). Financial investment is one of those areas. Another area is being prepared for unforeseen attacks. I know that he’s right and I should put more priority on those things, but I seem to catch up to him at a snail’s pace. A recent incident in the news has raised the priority level of protecting our family to the highest in his mind. From my perspective, I assumed that he was starting to get too anxious from the recent news. The following was the email exchange that took place.
Hubby
Part of the statement is this: “Whitney was a very loving person,” he added. “She was warm, she was kind, she was everything you would want in a friend, relative, spiritual fellow worshiper.”
Found her body in the woods.
NEWS ARTICLE (click to read)
We need to look into ways to protect you and the girls. Mace in the car between the seats and reachable in your purse. It might be worth looking into some self defense classes we can do as a family. Give you the confidence and knowledge to grab your keys and stab them in the eyes or kick to the grind….anything.
I do NOT want to end up like this husband……..
Me (this is where I tried to express that I agree with him, but I also tried to be the “wise voice” in his head and remind him that we should keep the right perspective and not get too anxious).
Wow, that is sad. Sure, we can definitely look into self defense classes.
Let the Ninja in me come out!
This is an awful thing to happen to anybody, and I certainly agree that we should be prepared to make sure it doesn’t happen to us. I do want to have it in writing though, that if something tragic ever did happen to me, I have absolutely no regrets – I have the best life a girl can ask for – best (sexiest) husband, delightful (although crazy) daughters, and every day is truly a treasure to me that I feel I don’t fully deserve. To top that off, when I die, I get to meet JESUS face to face!! I will be even Happier than I am now, which is so hard to fathom.
It’s the souls of people like this guy (killer) that we need to pray for. I can’t imagine living my life without the hope we have from God!
This was truly how I felt, and I thought I was “doing good” by expressing them to him, keeping our focus on God.
Hubby
I agree but I also believe that God puts things in our path, such as this tragedy, as a wake up call that bad things happen and we should be prepared. I know you laugh at me when I talk about the Mace, but I’m not ready to lose you or the squirts. The world is a messy place and I just want us to be better prepared. Self defense isn’t just lolli gagging through life knowing God has your back but actually taking the time to step up and learn things to protect yourself. If a moment arises, like it did for this poor girl, I want myself and our kids to know that you’ll know what to do and they’ll learn what to do, not just look to the sky and say OK take me home. God gives free will, free will allows Satan to enter and if any of those meat heads come in your direction, I want full on Lucy Liu ninja throw down so they’ll learn not to mess with Boo! OK, so maybe not full on Tae classes, but simple stuff like the key thing or pressure points, Kubaton key chain training or mace…..etc.
Oh, this INFURIATED me. I felt that I was not heard properly, and I felt he was putting words into my mouth (which is my biggest pet peeve). In truth (looking back), he didn’t hear from me exactly what he wanted to hear, and I didn’t hear back from him exactly what I wanted to hear back. I remember hearing myself pounding on the keyboard as I typed these words in anger:
Me
I was not disagreeing with you at all, and I’m not laughing at the idea of self-defense.
That was TRULY not my intention of writing what I did.
I wholeheartedly AGREE with you on everything you’re saying.
I just had to write that, to make sure if anything UNexpected DID happen (because we can’t be prepared for EVERYthing), that YOU KNOW (and have in writing) that I have no regrets. As hard as it will be for the people left behind, I will be happier and in a better place.
That was my only intention.
I kind of felt bad about how I responded in anger, but still not to the point of being truly sorry, so I added another response right behind it (notice some sarcasm hidden in there):
I’m sorry, I just got upset for a sec. I agree that I have not been taking things as seriously as I should about self-defense, but I feel like sometimes you “label” me that way and you won’t believe me when I truly tell you that I agree with you.
I’m “labeled” as the one who laughs at the idea of self-defense.
I am NOT going to just stand by and let myself or my children get hurt. You know me better than that, I hope. Sign me up for a class next week if you don’t believe me.
I understand the sense of urgency you feel. I just felt like I need to speak out that piece about my eternal hope being in God, no matter what happens. I sensed that this whole incident was starting to consume you with anxiety, which I don’t think is the state God wants us to be in either.
I understand the urgency. I agree we should take full measures to protect ourselves. I agree. Honestly, I do.
Hubby
lol….I’m not in a state of anxiety or labeling anything. Sorry you feel that way; just trying to be proactive. I’d rather be one that says I had seen the sign God was providing and acted on it rather than sure wish I had noticed that sign before.
I’m starting to come down from the height of my anger at this point. I still wasn’t convinced that we have fully reconnected. This was where I truly spoke (typed) from my heart (minus the anger).
Me
And that’s exactly what I was trying to say in my first response: Yes, let’s act on it!
Then, I received a response with words being put in my mouth (which always triggers my button), “I know you laugh at me when I talk about the Mace…”
“not just look to the sky and say OK take me home…”
I’m sorry I overreacted.
Hubby
Sorry for being sarcastic. I guess I’m a little over reactive because I love my Boo and girls:) I’ll look into what’s out there for basic self defense stuff not full on karate….yet that’ll be for when the girls start dating:)
This was when the whole wall broke down, and we went back to our usual sweet bantering and flirting.
This was what I posted as my Facebook status immediately after:
Keepin’ It Real: hubby and I got in a rare “heated” discussion via email just now. Two imperfect people doing life together can look messy at times, but I’m so thankful that at the end of it, we can always come to a greater appreciation and understanding of each other (and greater awareness of what we can improve on). We certainly couldn’t do this right without God’s love & wisdom guiding us through, every step of the way. Allan: I love you. Thank you for loving your Boo, no matter which Boo you happen to get that day (happy Boo, angry Boo, moody Boo:).
His response to the FB post:
lol……you forgot Naughty Boo;) Love you too, couldn’t imagine doing life without you….hence part of the reason for the somewhat heated discussion on self defense classes, we’re both on the same page just didn’t communicate it right:)
Not sure what the “moral” of this blog post was – I mainly wanted to be authentic about how we’re still learning about better ways to communicate with one another, how to not respond in anger, etc., etc… I think it always boils down to humility. True humility breaks down walls. Anger and selfish pride (I want MY voice to be heard above all, and I want the other person to agree with me completely, which was the kind of attitude we both were guilty of above) will only create bigger walls. Humility and forgiveness always break down the walls.
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by BooParry | Sep 3, 2012 | Marriage
I’ve heard that finance can be a cause of tension in a marriage. I can honestly say that this has not been the case for us, for the most part. Just like in any other area, we have our differences when it comes to how we handle our money. We don’t agree on every financial matter, but we do have one common factor that keeps us from finance becoming a major issue in our marriage: we both do NOT have a strong love of money.
I’m probably at the extreme end of not caring enough about money. I don’t ever spend money excessively, yet if it was up to me, I wouldn’t save much either (I always figure, God will provide for what I need). As long as my immediate needs are met, I’ve never asked for (nor longed for) much more. I was pretty proud of myself for being a non-spender, until I met my husband. Man, talk about cheap (uh, I mean, economical)! He really doesn’t like spending money, especially on himself. Honestly, I think I do him a huge favor by not buying a gift for him on holidays. He’s also much smarter than I am about saving and making investments. Last but not least, even though he doesn’t like to spend money on himself, he’s by far the most giving person that I know. In this area, he holds nothing back. This is one of the things I admire the most about this guy. He works SO hard (harder than anyone I know), always places God first in our finances, provides for our family (God was good to him by giving him a wife who can run a household on a small budget), spends almost nothing on himself, pays down debt/invests/saves, and gives the rest away. This is how our household runs.
Now, let me share with you a little of what God has done with our family finances this past year.
Every year, our church has a “bring your best offering” Sunday in November, where we bring the best amount we can (above our tithes) towards the new building project. Last November (2011), as I prayed about what that amount should be, I felt heavy in my heart that it should be an amount that is “more than comfortable” for us, an amount that would be considered a “sacrifice” for our family. I had a particular amount in mind, and when I turned to my husband and asked what he thought, he gave me an amount that was $100 more than what I had in mind. Have I mentioned to you yet how much I love this man? We both felt complete peace about the amount, and we willingly gave it to the church. At the same time, I began to pray for a financial breakthrough for our family. This was what I wrote on my journal:
God, I’m believing for financial breakthrough for us…to be free from house/(investment) condo mortgages. We want to do more for Your kingdom. We know that material things are meaningless. We want to use what You give us to make an impact for eternity. Lord, I believe that from this contribution, Your victory and breakthrough will come. In Jesus’ mighty name, Amen.
Well, things went south after this particular Sunday. For the rest of winter and early spring, we experienced one major financial blow after another (mainly involving our investment condos). In all honesty, there were days when my husband was frustrated and I was worried. We strongly believed that we had stepped out in obedience, but instead of finding breakthrough, we found more financial troubles. I started to doubt if I made the right choice in quitting my part-time job. Then, I came across this reading from the Bible one morning:
I gave you land you had not worked on, and I gave you towns you did not build—the towns where you are now living. I gave you vineyards and olive groves for food, though you did not plant them.
So fear the Lord and serve him wholeheartedly. Put away forever the idols your ancestors worshiped when they lived beyond the Euphrates River and in Egypt. Serve the Lord alone. But if you refuse to serve the Lord, then choose today whom you will serve. Would you prefer the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates? Or will it be the gods of the Amorites in whose land you now live? But as for me and my family, we will serve the Lord. -Joshua 24:13-15 New Living Translation
I wrote this in my journal:
Lord, You long to bless us and give us the abundant life You intended for us. But it’s also a choice that I have to make daily – a choice to TRUST You. I, too, will choose to serve YOU, every day. There is no other way for me. I will put away my idol called WORRY. Thank You, Lord, for this important reminder. Help me to live out my faith in front of my family and others daily. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
Since then, we’ve watched in awe the WONDERS God has done through Allan’s supplement business (and it’s still very much continuing). We continue to put God first in our finances, and He continues to pour out His blessings. Allan had decided from the beginning that 10% of gross sales (not just profit) from his business will be given away. Through this commitment, we’ve been able to give away so much more than the amount we originally gave to the church last November. We’ve been able to give not only to the church, but to various mission trips/ministries, hospitals, scholarships, and other friends in need. I share this not as “look what we’ve been doing” but purely as “LOOK WHAT GOD IS DOING,” simply through our obedience and our love for Him (and not money).
In our own household, we’ve been able to pay off one of the condos as well as the HELOC on the house (which was part of the cafe ordeal from years ago). Thanks to a financial coach who helped us to organize our finances, the adoption cost has been easily affordable. Although we are still a little ways out from buying “our home” (where we hope to raise our children in for majority of their years), we are so content with waiting, while we now focus on our final (investment) condo mortgage and give some more away.
Again, this post it not meant to serve as a trophy of anything we’ve done, but of what God has done (and continues to do). Going back to my point at the beginning, I believe we are so blessed with finance not being an issue in our marriage, because we do not love money more than God. To us, our finance is not a means to gain personal satisfaction but another means to honor God with wholeheartedly. We will continue to serve Him faithfully with our finances. We will continue to be content with what we’ve been blessed with (which has been a lot!). We do not seek material wealth, because our treasure is in heaven. We LOVE giving money away, and we count is as an honor that God has allowed us to participate in. As we keep honoring God with our money, I believe our season of blessings will continue. But even if/when we encounter another season of financial trial, I can look back on what He has done in this season and place my trust in Him once more to carry us through.
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by BooParry | Jul 11, 2012 | Key, Marriage
“For better or worse.” When we stand at the altar and make those vows, I wonder how many of us truly, TRULY understand the “[for] worse” part. I know I didn’t.
The darkest time we faced in our marriage (to date) was the season of the café trials. Allan was a co-owner of a café, which turned into one nightmare ordeal after another. During one particular season (which also happened to be the first year of our oldest daughter’s life), it seemed as though uncontrollable and highly unfavorable circumstances were attacking him from all angles. Over the course of nine months, I saw his frustration level rise, and he was anything but his usual, cheerful self. It was painful to watch.
My husband is usually a very upbeat kind of guy. When he’s “up,” those around him (especially me) can’t help but to feel happy, even if I was having a downer day. But when he’s “down” and upset, the atmosphere becomes full of tension. I get very anxious. He has such a boisterous, influential presence, and I have a tendency of being like a sponge, soaking up the atmosphere that I’m around. When his frustration level kept rising and his negativity permeated our home, I began to wonder: Is everything going to be OK? How can we get out of this and be happy again? Will things always be like this? Some days, I was actually relieved when he left for work. At least then, I felt all the chaos and anger were outside of our home. Then I quickly felt sad for feeling this way. How can this be? We were only two years into our marriage, and this was not how I pictured it would be.
Needless to say, this was one of our “[for] worse” seasons. How did we make it through? I know that I didn’t handle it in the best way. The important thing is, we did make it through, and in the process of making many mistakes, we came out wiser on the other end.
MISTAKE #1: I threw myself a pity party. As I type this, this happened to me again last night. As human beings, I think it’s pretty much impossible not to view ourselves as the victims, at least initially. So I should rephrase this: the mistake is to STAY at my own pity party. I stayed there for a long time during the café season. Allan was so tied up (even more than usual), and when he was around, I was the soundboard of his frustrations. I missed my fun, upbeat husband. I missed our home being free of tension and chaos. I missed having him around more. I was frustrated too, but I felt I couldn’t dump it on him because he was already going through so much. I kept thinking: What about me? What about my needs? What about my hurts? Again, throwing a pity party for ourselves is so incredibly easy to do, and sometimes we have a right to throw one. Yet how do we get out of that spot and not stay there? The answer leads to my next point.
MISTAKE #2: I turned to my spouse to heal my wounds. Wait…isn’t that what our spouse is suppose to do? I’ve learned that our spouse can be a tool that God uses to bring healing, but God is always the ultimate HEALER. I wanted Allan to make it all better. There were many nights when I cried myself to sleep (in the living room), hoping that Allan would hear me and come comfort me. When I did dump all my emotions on him, he usually tried to “fix” my hurt, which often involved him defending his case (in hindsight, I know that deep down he was feeling very bad for how this trial was affecting our family). My wounds could not be fixed; they needed to be healed. My girlfriends listened and sympathized, but they could not heal. My mentors gave me advice, but they could not heal. I learned some valuable lessons during that trial. Fast forward to present time. Last night, as my pity party began in the shower, it quickly turned into a prayer session. I cried out to God. I let Him know how much this hurts. I brought all of my brokenness to Him. He hears. He understands. Most importantly, He heals. (Psalm 147:3)
MISTAKE #3: I expressed my feelings to my spouse without checking my motives. When we’re hurt or disappointed, it’s easy to speak out of our current emotions. I did that a few times to Allan during the café season. It only made matters worse. Why did I need to communicate those feelings to him? If I was to examine my heart, it was because I wanted him to know how miserable I was feeling, not because I thought it would make things better. I’m not saying we should never communicate how we honestly feel. We do need to remember though, God gave us power over our words. He gave us power to speak life into the hearts of those we love. Last night, as I pondered on this, I realized that the most effective things I can say during these times are often the farthest from what I want to say. Instead of “What about ME?” I can say, “Is there anything I can do to help?” Which one of those phrases will breathe life into my husband, and which one of those phrases will let him know that I am his #1 fan? (Proverbs 16:24)
MISTAKE #4: I let worry and anxiety cloud my mind. Oh boy, it’s scary how good I am at this one. Triggering from one single incident, I start thinking how it’s always going to be like this and what kind of damage it will do to our family. Our mind can be such a tricky device, can’t it? If we let it, it will go through that downward spiral so fast, and before long we’re like a slave to a god called WORRY. I can’t remember the exact phrase my pastor used, but it was something like this: “Instead of being a WORRIER, be a PRAYER WARRIOR.” That stuck with me, and that’s the first thing I do when I begin to worry. I ask God to give me the RIGHT perspective – a clear and balanced perspective, instead of one that is clouded by current emotions. I claim Scripture over our situations. My God says no weapon formed against me shall prosper (Isaiah 54:17)! Shortly after I do this, the worry god is inevitably DETHRONED, and my God Almighty is in His rightful place.
The last piece of all this, in addition to all of the above, is SURRENDER. Life is hard at times, and I don’t know what the future holds. In marriage, ten out of ten couples will experience the valleys as well as the mountaintops. Many times there is nothing that I can do to change the situation, and most certainly I can’t change my spouse. One thing I hold on to – and I will keep hanging on, until the day I see Him face to face: I cry out to God, I trust everything in His care, and He delivers me from all my troubles (Psalm 34:17). Not once has this not been true. It doesn’t happen instantly. Often times it’s a long climb back to the mountaintop…but I always get there. What is the reward of all this faith-stretching struggle to the mountaintop, when another valley will eventually come? It’s that when I do hit another valley, like I did last night, the climb back up is a little bit lighter and easier. In the process of the climbing, it’s me who’s changing. That’s what it’s all about. When I climb that last mountain, into the loving arms of my God, I hope that who I am then will represent more of His character than when I first began.
As an added bonus, this journey helps me to become a better wife when we hit those “[for] worse” seasons.
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by BooParry | May 15, 2012 | Key, Marriage
I was a little irritated with my husband today. Actually, I was very irritated as I walked out the door to have my “alone time” at Starbucks to work on my blog.
It all seems silly now, but it turned out to be a good reminder of how I should handle my anger, especially when it’s directed at my spouse.
It all went down like this.
I was working part-time through last December, and right around the time I decided to quit my job, I read a book written by one of our pastors Kerri Weems called Clueless 10 Things I Wish I Knew About Motherhood Before Becoming a Mom. In this book, she talked about the importance of moms having “alone time” set aside regularly, away from children and household duties, where she can spend her time in a way that rejuvenated her. For me, it’s blogging and exploring my “artistic side,” currently through photography. I shared this idea with my husband, and of course, being the super supportive husband that he is, he had no problem with making this “alone time” happen for me once a week.
We decided this would happen on Monday afternoons. During this time, I escape to the library or Starbucks and work on whatever I want (usually my blog). However, it was not able to happen these last few weeks due to various reasons. I was really looking forward to resuming my weekly “alone time” today. Well, Mondays are Allan’s “day off” (technically) from his main job, but he’s a man who wears many hats and he’s usually busy for the first half of the day running errands for our home business. Things ran later than expected with the errands, and he came home later than I had expected. He also mentioned that he needed me to pick up some packaging tape while I was out.
Here was the cause of my irritation: I felt that my precious, sacred “alone time” that I was entitled to was not treated with much priority. What’s worse, it was going to be cut even shorter by an errand I had to run for him. I found myself in a bit of a steamy mood, and frankly, I didn’t even want to kiss him as I walked out the door (but I quickly gathered enough calmness to give him a quick peck).
Here’s what I did with all that steam.
1. Take myself out of the situation. When I’m in middle of a situation that’s making me mad, my emotions take over and it’s very hard to think logically. I walked out of the house as quickly as possible.
2. Pray and seek wisdom. Even after taking myself out of the situation, I still can’t think logically and wisely on my own. I need an objective standard that will keep my thoughts and emotions in line. God’s wisdom is perfect, mine is not.
3. Evaluate my own mood/heart. First of all, whenever I’m this quick to get irritated, it usually means I’m approaching that unfavorable time of the month. I know that my mood had a lot to do with it, since I’ve also been irritable with my children in the last day or so. I also examined my heart. Does my anger come from a selfish place in my heart? If I was to be honest, yes, it did. I did not care about anything else that was going on. I felt entitled to have my alone time, and I wished he had not interfered with that priority. In marriage, I think it’s always dangerous to be at a place where I feel “entitled” to something, instead of being “thankful.” I had forgotten to be thankful for the privilege of having this “alone time” in the first place.
4. Evaluate the intent of my spouse. Was he trying to interfere on purpose? Absolutely not. I’ve come to learn that with guys, there’s usually no hidden agenda. He became consumed with his tasks, and he came home as soon as he was able to. He noticed that he needed some tape, so he asked me to get them. In his mind, there was nothing more that took place.
5. Examine the situation objectively. This is a place where I wish I arrived at more quickly, but it usually takes me a little bit of time. Here are some questions that I ask myself.
-Was this an intentional offense? No.
-Is this something that’s habitual or a unique incident? Unique.
-If it does become habitual or it keeps bothering me, is it something I can talk to him about? Yes, he’s always open to what I have to say, and I’m confident that we’ll reach a compromising agreement as usual.
-Are there other factors that I’m not seeing or considering? Yes. My selfish anger was keeping me from being thankful for all that he does. He works hard for our family so I can stay home. He allows me to have this weekly alone time, not to mention all the trips and events he’s allowed me to participate in, while he stayed home with the girls. And honestly, how long was it going to take for me to pick up some tape?
-Do I have a good man? At the end of it all, I always try to come back to this question. And the answer, without a doubt, is YES!!
Now after processing all this, I have quickly transformed from someone who barely wanted to kiss him into someone who can’t wait to go home and give him a big smooch. I know…women, right?
I do believe it’s important to process my anger (and talk about it to my spouse when necessary), because it has a way of building itself up into a monster if I choose to suppress and ignore it.
So how do I decide if it’s something that I need to talk to him about, versus something to just process and let go? I will be addressing that in my future post. Stay tuned!
