by BooParry | May 4, 2016 | #MomLife, Key, Parenting, Series
It came out of nowhere. As it usually does. After eight years of this, you’d think we wouldn’t be so shocked or be at our wits’ end. But as she grows older, these “episodes” have become few and far between, so when she does have one, it has a way of catching us off guard.
Most of you have heard us describe her as “strong-willed.” It’s been who she is since Day 1. There really is no simple way to describe it. Except that it’s not normal. Our second-born daughter can get pretty dramatic when she’s upset. But our oldest…she brings in this level of determination that is just not normal for a child. Somehow, during these episodes, she can usually manage to get our emotions and nerves all worked up and keep us engaged in her battle way longer than we need to be.
All of these battles have helped us to grow along with her. Through the countless episodes we have experienced with her in the last eight years, we have discovered that there are two main ingredients that work in parenting a strong-willed child (or any child for that matter): consistency and prayer.
Here’s how it went down tonight.
She normally asks to get a drink of water before bed. We usually say yes. This particular night, she had gotten a drink of water in between the time I had said good-night to her and she was waiting for Allan to come in to say good-night. After she finished her routine with Allan, she asked to go get another drink of water. He said no, because she already had a drink. That was it. After a good day (or even good few months of no major episodes), in a simple matter over a sip of water, she decided to put up her battle sign. This was the hill she was going to die on. And folks, I don’t think I’m exaggerating much when I say that she really is prepared to win or die in these battles.
After Allan gave his answer, he closed her bedroom door.
The pounding started. The kicking and banging started. They kept going on. And on. And on. And on.
After about 20 minutes, I went in. I calmly told her this behavior was not acceptable. I reminded her of the privileges she will lose if she continues in this behavior. In these situations, I quickly need to choose what I can take away that would motivate her enough to end the battle. During her preschool years, it was a privilege to social outings, such as playdates, birthday parties, and Mimi’s house. In recent years it’s been a privilege to socialize with anyone, meaning she had to spend a lot of time in her room by herself. This time, something else came to my mind quickly. She had never been one to be addicted to electronics, until this past week. She has been obsessed over a game called Minecraft in her new Kindle. She’s been constantly asking for permission to play the game. I told her that she will lose the privilege of her electronics if she continues to throw these fits. However, I made the mistake of not making it “clear cut” enough for her before I left the room. How much was considered a fit? How much longer did I mean when I said, “If you continue to throw a fit”? You’d think I’d be experienced enough by now to make such amateur mistakes!
She stopped the pounding and the kicking. She began the “yelling under the door crack” method. “YOU ARE MEAN!! MOMMY, YOU ARE SO MEAN!” “MOMMY, WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN TO MEEEEEE!?????” All the while, I can hear her baby brother babbling in his room next door (I mean, I wonder what’s keeping him up?).
Allan decided to give it a shot. He tried the “Let’s try to reason with her and help to calm her down” option. This method had worked about a handful of times out of the billion battles we’ve experienced with her. So…the odds were against him, but he gave it his best shot. “Peanut, can you tell me why you are being so upset over a sip of water?” “I’m thirsty! I need a drink of water!” “Peanut, you are going to be okay. You can have some water tomorrow morning.” “You always say tomorrow!” “No, I usually let you go get a drink of water. Don’t I usually let you get a drink of water? Just tonight, you had already gotten a sip two minutes before you asked. So the answer was no. You HAVE to be OK with that answer.” “But I’m thirsty! I’m thirsty! I’m thirsty!” “Peanut, let’s have self-control. Come on, you can do it. Let’s show self-control.” “I can’t! I’m thirsty! I can’t!!” “Peanut, you know what happens when you keep throwing fits. You lose privileges.” “NO! I don’t want to lose privileges! And I want a drink of water, because I’m thirsty!” She’s shouting as she’s wailing and flopping her body all over the place at the same time. It’s quite a sight to watch an 8-year-old throw a tantrum.
There were moments in there when she seemed to calm down a bit…only to begin another round. So after few repeats of the above conversation, Allan said good-night and walked out. At this point I knew that she was just wanting to keep either of us engaged. Because in her mind, if we were still engaged, then the battle was not over yet.
What baffles me every time is this: in all of eight years we’ve had with her, we have NEVER – not even once – EVER given in to her demand after she has thrown a fit like this. Never. Yet she still chooses to give everything she’s got to try to win the battle. She is a true warrior.
After Allan left the room, she started screaming LOUDER under the door crack. “DADDDYYY!! DAAAAADDDDDYYYY!!!” This is her desperation cry to keep us engaged in the battle. “The room is dark and I need someone in here!” (I knew she was desperate, because she started to shout out anything she could think of, that had nothing to do with the topic at hand). “I’m trying but I CAN’T (she means having self-control).” “I need help!!! I NEED HELP, DAAAAADDDDDYYY!!!!”
It was late, the house was quiet apart from her screaming voice, the other kids were trying to sleep…and this was about the time when Allan and I started questioning our own sanity. Did we go wrong somewhere? Is there something seriously wrong with our child?
Then I remembered to pray. I often get so caught up in the heat of the moment (I know I can’t blame it all on her, but she really has a way of messing with your emotions) that I forget the most important thing. My lifeline. Because without Him, I can promise you that we wouldn’t have made it for eight years. One of us would have lost our sanity by now. We certainly wouldn’t have been able to experience the kind of peace we have in our home for the majority of the time.
I sent out a quick popcorn prayer: “God, I need YOUR wisdom.”
I walked into her room as she was shouting, “I NEED HEEEELLLPPP!!!!” I calmly but firmly told her, “I’m here to help you, and this is how I’m helping you. You lost two days of electronics so far because of the way you behaved.” She began to blow up – this has always been her method – whenever I tell her what she’d lost, she counterattacks by repeating “I don’t want to lose (whatever I just said, in this case 2 days)! I don’t want to lose ____ !!” But before she had a chance to get too out of control, I grabbed her by both arms, looked at her in the eyes and said, “Peanut, it’s already done. Now, you can lose FOUR days if I have to come in here again because you are shouting, banging, or making any kind of loud noise. It’s up to you. But you WILL lose 4 days if I need to come back in. Do you understand me?” She said yes through her fits. I spelled it out clearly for her this time. She knew exactly what she would be losing and she knew exactly what behavior would cause her to lose it. She still threw herself around saying she didn’t want to lose (the first) 2 days, etc. But I kept talking over her cries. “Peanut, I’m going to help you into bed now. I’m going to pray for you.” As she continued to wail, I began to pray for God to fill her with His PEACE. I prayed for her to feel His presence and love. I prayed that He would help her to gain self-control and that she would trust Him to do so. I prayed in the powerful name of Jesus.
She was still wailing as I was leaving the room, so I made the condition very clear to her again. I made sure to get a response from her that she understood me. Then I closed the door. She cried out for a few more seconds. Then, just as suddenly as it started, it stopped. COMPLETELY stopped. She had finally surrendered.
I came downstairs. Of course, the first question Allan asked was, “How did you get her to stop??”
Consistency and Prayer.
When she chooses a battle, she WILL keep fighting, with ALL that she’s got. That’s who she is. She will not stop…until she finally determines that the consequences of continuing to fight sting her more deeply than letting go of her will to win. We have to remember to SPELL out the boundaries and consequences as CLEARLY as possible. We then have to be consistent. One of the biggest rewards that came out of all the battles during her early years was this: She 100% believes us now, every time, when we spell out the consequences that will take place. What we say WILL happen if the line is crossed. We’ve had to consistently set firm boundaries for her and help her understand that she will not win this kind of battle, in this way.
I also believe with my whole heart, that divine intervention is always necessary for her to finally calm down and put up her white flag of surrender. When she’s right in the middle of a heated battle, there were many times it seemed as though nothing would work to calm her down. It felt like that tonight. Allan and I were both exhausted. Then two simple prayers – both my popcorn prayer asking for wisdom and praying over her for peace as she wailed – helped to bring an end to this battle. Thank you, God!!
2 Afterthoughts:
- I checked on her a little while later that night. She was still awake but was lying on the floor with her pillow, blanket, and stuffed animals. I knew that she was trying to make some sort of a point, but I let it go as the battle was never about “staying in bed.” I told her that I was proud of her for gaining self-control. I told her that I loved her and always will, no matter what. About an hour later, Allan went in and carried her sleeping body to her bed. In the morning, we saw that she had gotten out of bed again and slept on the floor. This girl!
- As it usually happens on the day after a battle, she was coming over to both Allan and me frequently the next morning, hugging us and using her sweet voice to say, “Daddddy! Mommmy!!!” We know that this is her way of making restoration.
Oh, Peanut, it has been an adventure since Day 1 and it continues to be. You keep us on our toes. One thing I look forward to the most: seeing what incredible plans God has in store for you as a strong-willed adult, a force to be reckoned with. Watch out, world!
by BooParry | Feb 10, 2016 | #Undone, Books, FaithJourney, Key, Series
In the last few years, ever since my “undone” process began, my perception of what a holy life looks like has changed quite significantly. Somewhere over the course of my life as a perfectionist, I had bought into the idea that living a holy life for me means being a good Christian wife and mother (all the time) and having it all together. Now, I would never admit that’s what I believed. In fact, I don’t even know if I knew that’s what I believed. If the topic came up, I would say, “Of course nobody is perfect. Everybody makes mistakes. We all will fail at perfection. Nobody has it all together.” Yet, I never truly allowed this kind of grace to apply to my own life. I was blind to the security blanket I had wrapped myself around my whole life, a blanket that gave the impression to others that I’m a good, kind, and even a holy person who has everything under control. “A+” was what I always aimed for during my school years, and I always achieved it. I was aiming for the same in my adult life (particularly in marriage and parenthood), and I thought I was achieving it. A loving God who wanted me to live the abundant, real life He intended for me had no choice but to yank the security blanket off of me. Only then could I finally face my distorted views, replace them with His truth, and begin the road of recovery.
Michele* touched a lot on perfectionism in chapters 18 through 21. Here are some key points I found to be helpful for a recovering perfectionist like myself:
Embrace the imperfections, the failures, the hurts, and not having it all-together. God must have known before He created Adam that he was going to sin. But He chose to create him anyway. I’m not a theology expert by any means, but I believe I see a glimpse of God’s heart in this process. He longed for a relationship with us more than what we can do for Him. He desired the kind of intimacy that can only come from walking with us through our messy, painful, mistake-filled life. I’m not sure if this kind of intimacy would have been possible if all of humanity managed to live a perfect, obedient, happy life. Michele said it so well: “only a marred life gives birth to the most beautiful redemption.” She also said part of the embracing is realizing that this is a “rough-draft life.” We must learn to accept that we won’t always get it right the first time and forgive ourselves when we get it wrong. I would also add that in this embracing imperfection process, a perfectionist should look back on our life and see if there is a past wound to be dealt with that caused us to become perfectionists (I will write more on this later).
Embrace the process of recovery rather than focusing on the end result. For a perfectionist, even after we realize our need to recover from perfectionism, we tend to look at this recovery process as another thing we have to ace and we become anxious for the day we achieve it. I chuckle as I write this; do you see how hopeless we are? I like what Michele’s counselor said to her: “Maybe you’re not supposed to manage all this. Maybe, instead, you’re supposed to experience it. Walk through it. Do the best you can.” As I have been going through my “undone” season, I have come to learn that recovery, healing, wholeness, and even holiness, are found in bits and pieces during the process, rather than as the end result. It’s hard for a perfectionist to understand this, because the process is so messy and untidy and unpredictable; all the adjectives we hate. Michele used a metaphor of standing too close to an impressionist painting. Everything looks messy and undone from up close. But as we step farther back, we begin to see the unexpected beauty of the whole picture. “Though appearing undone, it hints that imperfection could turn into the makings of an incredible story.” But it takes time for the whole story to unfold, for the masterpiece to be completed. Michele suggested, “Allow yourself to see beyond the chaos to the beautiful story taking shape.”
Realize that we cannot do it alone. Keep our eyes on the Master. So by now, a perfectionist has learned that we need to recover from perfectionism and that it takes time. Even after we’ve come this far, somewhere in the hidden parts of our belief system, we feel that we need to conquer this process on our own. Michele described it this way: “Alarmed by my vast army, I raised my shield and wielded my sword, assuming all responsibility for victory.” Perfectionists are very prideful and we hate to admit that we can’t do it on our own. Michele brought up the example of the disciples panicking in the storm while Jesus slept. He asked them, “Where is your faith?” I agree with Michele that even when I refuse to admit it, my faith is usually placed in myself. She gave a great example of a time she experienced panic attack while scuba diving. When her scuba master came to help, and when she saw in his eyes that he was not going to let her go, she began to transition from panic to peace.
I had to die to the self-sufficiency and arrogance that had fooled me into thinking I could do all, be all, without consequence. That I could anchor myself to my own boat and not pay the price. Thank God. He looked me in the eye, and he refused to let me go.
-Michele Cushatt, Undone
Lean to express our feelings and needs. Seek and accept help. Find a support community. It’s true that God is the One who will carry us on this road to recovery. But on the journey, He will use other people to help us along. It’s obvious that God created us for relationships and that we are not mean to do life alone. Michele said, “Laying down my independence began with saying it out loud: admitting a need and asking for help.” We also need one another for accountability. We need a safe place where we can express our faults and weaknesses, find grace, and be encouraged.
So I come back to the question: what does a holy life look like? The most valuable life lessons I learned didn’t come from those who have it all together (or appear to), who know all the right Bible verses, and who always do the right thing. I have learned the most from those who have walked through ugly messes, unimaginable pain, and big mistakes. So why is it that we try so hard to be like the first kind?
So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold – though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.
–1 Peter 1:6-7 New Living Translation
This is what a holy life looks like. Hanging onto and growing in our faith through real, genuine, undone moments of everyday life. It’s not going to look neat and tidy and perfect. It looks messy and even disastrous when we are too close to the picture. But as we step back and gain a new perspective, we will begin to see what a masterpiece we are creating with Him, our Artist and our Master.
What Michele reminded me is that I must let go of my idea of what the painting is supposed to look like. Trust my Artist through the messy, undone moments. Keep my eyes on the Master, who promises to never let me go. One day, I will see how every stroke (both tidy and untidy ones) was used to create a complete, beautiful, holy masterpiece.
*This is part of a series of posts I’m writing about a book by Michele Cushatt called Undone. This was the final post on the book, reflecting on chapters 18 to 21.
by BooParry | Jul 9, 2014 | #Siblings, Key, Parenting, Series
Continued from Part 1 and Part 2…
I just have a couple of more things I’d like to address on this topic.
I’d like to go back to the General Principle #4 from Part 1.
Balance their time together and time apart.
As I stated on my last post, I think it’s important as parents to monitor if our children have too much time to spend together or not enough. I believe either of those extremes can cause more conflicts between siblings. Case in point. Last week, my two older girls participated in a drama camp at my oldest’s school. They had a lot of fun, but they were with each other (without the youngest sibling or their parents) for 6 hours everyday for a whole week. When they came home each day, I noticed that they were bickering at each other often. During that week, I separated them and had them play on their own for a while (usually in their rooms) after they came home. This week, the same older two girls attended Vacation Bible School. The hours were much shorter (3 hours a day), and each was assigned to a different group at VBS. They hardly saw each other at all. I noticed this made a huge difference in how well they got along after they came home. I hardly heard any bickering at all. This confirmed my belief that too much time spent together can lead to more conflicts.
Here are some specific ways I try to structure how much time they spend together:
Blanket/Room Time
This is another concept I learned from Growing Kids God’s Way by Gary & Anne Marie Ezzo. I think this is especially useful for homeschooling moms whose children are home all day. Simply put, it’s structuring time for them to play/read on their own…either on a blanket (for toddlers) or in their room (for older kids). I do this regularly with my three children, and it’s become a normal routine for them. It usually lasts about 45 minutes (I set the timer on). During that time, the house is pretty much silent. Each child is playing by herself with her set of toys (for my youngest, I place a few toys on her blanket). Sometimes my older ones go in their rooms with books to read. This teaches them how to keep themselves entertained, and it also helps them to be more focused and be creative. The additional benefit I found is that this time apart from one another helps them to appreciate the time they do get to spend together. Usually, once they reunite and start playing after their blanket/room time, they are able to play nicely together and enjoy their time together without conflicts.
“Settle down” time after school
This goes along with the above concept, but it’s specifically for the time after school pick-up. I believe many children need a little time to “unwind” from all the social activities of the day. When my oldest began attending school, my second daughter would be so excited for her to get out of school and play with her, only to find herself being snubbed by her older sister. I realized that many times my oldest was not ready to jump right into playing with her sister after being with her friends all day. What helped was to give my oldest some time to “settle down” (either by having a little alone time or watching a short show), before she dived into playing with her sisters.
Different extracurricular activities (as your situation allows)
My oldest definitely has the most dominant personality out of my three children. My second child is drama, but she’s also very much a follower. She’s perfectly content following the lead of my oldest (for the most part). I began to realize that this dynamic in their relationship caused my second child to become socially dependent on my oldest. My second child would often be too afraid or shy to play with other kids, unless my oldest was with her. What helped for us in this situation was to force my second child to become more involved with other children without her sister. For example, she began attending preschool. She also began participating in dance class, instead of participating in gymnastics like her sister. I understand that finding a different extracurricular activity for each child may be difficult for most families. But if at all possible, I think different hobbies/interests will help to develop each child’s individuality.
Ways to create MORE time together
So far I’ve discussed ways to structure their time apart. Sometimes, though, conflicts and rivalry can result from siblings having too much time apart. This may be common for children who attend traditional school system, five days a week. If they have extracurricular activities also, there’s hardly any time left in the day to spend with their siblings. I believe this is where parents must strategize and work hard to protect their “family time,” by not involving their children in too many activities or birthday parties and maximizing the time they have together. For example, if there are chores to be done after school or on weekends, have the siblings work on them together. Set a “family time” after dinner where no electronics are allowed; it’s a time specifically set aside to enjoy being together (by playing board games, going on a walk, reading stories, etc.). I also think it’s important to set some time during the week for siblings to spend time one-on-one with another sibling. The first hour of my youngest’s nap time is a time set aside for my two older kids to play together by themselves. Another way to accomplish this is for one sibling to help mom with chores or read with mom while the other two plays, and take turns. I think the one-on-one time together is crucial in building a strong friendship.
I hope some of these suggestions were helpful in giving you some ideas on how to cultivate loving sibling relationships. Again, if there’s something specific that has worked for your family, please share by commenting on this post.
Last but not least, I can’t emphasize the power of prayer enough. Ultimately, God is the One who formed and knows their hearts. He also desires your children to develop long-lasting friendships with one another. Entrust your parenting journey under His care and guidance, and you can’t go wrong.
by BooParry | Jun 9, 2014 | #Siblings, Key, Parenting, Series
I’d like to dissect further the general principle #3 from my previous post:
Supervise their interactions and address their heart issue.
What does this look like on a day-to-day basis?
Don’t ignore the small stuff
Like I mentioned, I started in very small ways, such as teaching them to ask their sibling politely versus telling them what to do. If I hear Peanut say to LittleBit, “Hand me that toy,” I would instruct her to rephrase it as a question: “Would you please hand me that toy?” Or one may say, “Go over there,” and I would redirect her to say, “Can you please go over there?” I wanted to ingrain this truth in my children: show respect and kindness over being rude, mean, or bossy. I not only paid attention to what they said but how they said it. I paid attention to small sly remarks one would make at another. For example, one may quietly blurt out, “I finished first” or “I have more than you.” I would remind her that it’s not a race/competition and to refrain from making those comments that are only meant to make the other person feel sad.
Teach them to respect each other’s properties
In our house there are “community toys” that are open for all and there are other toys that specifically belong to each child. All the smaller individual toys are kept in each child’s special “box.” Each child must ask permission from its owner before she is allowed to use the toy. Even our youngest, MiniLu, has learned to ask, “Sissy, me please?” as she points to a particular toy that belongs to her sister. This has significantly decreased the time they spend fighting over toys.
Address the heart issue
From my experience, this is key. If I am just correcting their behavior and not reaching their heart, it’s pointless. Whenever I correct them on what they say/do to their sibling, I always direct them to examine their heart. Lately, whenever my middle child doesn’t want to do what my oldest suggests, my oldest will try to make her feel “left out” by saying she will then play with MiniLu (youngest). I address her heart immediately. “Do you think you said that out of a good heart or a bad heart?” “Do you think what you said gave your sister a happy heart or a sad heart?” I constantly try to reinforce this principle: if something was said with the intention of making the other person feel sad/bad, then it was not said out of love. This leads me to the all too common issue of tattling.
Tattling. One truth I learned about tattling is that the more I respond to the tattling, the more likely they will come back to tattle again. My first strategy with tattling is to not respond with any sense of emergency (unless it is an emergency, of course, such as physical violence). I again address the heart. “Did you ask your sister to please stop doing that? Did you express to her how that makes you feel?” Basically I’m asking, “Did you give your sister the opportunity to correct herself and do good?” If the answer is no, I immediately have her go back to her sister. I encourage her to ask her sister nicely, “Could you please stop coloring on my page, I don’t like it?” or “Remember Mommy does not want you to jump on the couch. Could you please stop?”
Other times, I may just say, “You two work it out together nicely. If you can’t, you need to clean up and spend some time apart.”
With these methods in place, we don’t seem to experience much tattling around the house anymore (knock on wood!).
Teach them to ask for forgiveness
I think this one still relates to the heart issue. We’ve learned from some wise parenting resources that just saying “sorry” often does not reach a child’s heart. I recently heard my oldest explain our house rule to another adult: “If something was an accident, we say ‘Sorry,’ but if something was done on purpose, we say ‘Will you forgive me?’”
This is our usual procedure. If one of them did some kind of harm to her sibling with bad intention, I direct her to think it over in her room. I often go in to talk to her about the “heart issue.” Afterwards, when things are much calmer, I direct her to ask for her sibling’s forgiveness. If she just says, “Will you forgive me?” I encourage her to go further by admitting to what she did wrong. “Will you forgive me for ________ ?” Always, 100% of the time, the other sibling responds with “Yes, I will.” I believe this provides opportunities for a much more genuine restoration than the offender just blurting out, “Sorry.”
If things are already escalated, give them a time-out
Once in a while, things still get out of hand and escalate into a full blowout. If I was already in the middle of something, it’s easy for me to get frustrated and join in on the blowout by being angry at them, adding fuel to fire. These are times when we all, including Mommy, need a time-out. I ask each of them to go to their room until they are calm. This gives me time for me to diffuse as well. I then go talk to each child individually to hear each side of the story.
Exaggerate the positive, Provide opportunities for them to show love
As closely as I pay attention to the smallest incidents that need correction, I also try to pay just as much (if not more) attention to the smallest incidents that can be praised. “Wow, you just helped your sister. Great job.” “Thank you for sharing your toy, that makes your sister so happy.” Sometimes I hear one of them praise the other for her artwork. I immediately say, “Wow, that was so kind of you to encourage your sister like that.”
I also help them discover different ways they can serve or give to one another. I ask one to get the shoes for their siblings, to open the door for them, etc. At church my oldest receives a fake $1 prize money for completing a week’s worth of Bible verses. She can exchange each $1 for a small prize. I encouraged her to save the $’s until she has enough for her and her two sisters to receive a prize. Since then, that’s what she has wanted to do every time. We always remind the other siblings to thank her. In return, every time my middle child receives a treat at preschool for special occasions, she immediately asks me, “Can I share this with my sisters during snack time?” (many times it’s something so small like one cookie but she still wants me to split it three ways).
Again, I go back to my previous post on maintaining a loving atmosphere in the home. This has become so “normal” to them. It really hit me one time, during my oldest child’s first week in kindergarten. When she receives three 5’s in a row at school, she is allowed to pick a prize from the treasure chest. Well, it blew my mind away when she came home with a bracelet that I assumed was for her. She walked through the door and immediately asked for LittleBit (middle child). I asked her surprisingly, “You picked that for LittleBit?” She said, “Yes, because she lost her other bracelet.” What made this even more amazing was that this was her very first time going to the treasure chest, after being back in school….in her new class, where there were many prizes she had not seen before. In that moment, she chose to pick something for her sister rather than herself. I was so touched and in awe.
Believe me, I know, implementing these principles and methods can be (WILL be) time-consuming, tedious, and full of sweat and hard work. But believe me also that the fruit they will produce in your children will be far sweeter than you can imagine.
I’d like to give credit to where credit it due. A lot of the methods mentioned on this post was taken from the parenting resources I have depended on the most since I began my journey as a parent: Growing Kids God’s Way and other works by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo.
by BooParry | May 27, 2014 | #Siblings, Key, Parenting, Series
Here is my new series. My current plan is to follow a series that’s more personal/conceptual/philosophical with a series that’s more concrete/practical (so this is my attempt at practical).
I have three daughters close in age (currently 6, 4, and 2). I was an only child. I knew from early on that when I had children, I wanted them to have siblings, and I wanted them to be best friends. My girls definitely have moments when they don’t like each other and get into arguments/competition about little things. But I can honestly say, they genuinely love one another…a lot. They sincerely care for one another and enjoy being together.
I will say this again and again on my blog: I am not a parenting expert. My oldest is six and my youngest is still in my belly, so in a way I am still at the beginning. But even within the six short years of parenting, I’m convinced that I learned some valuable lessons on how to cultivate loving sibling relationships, and I’m seeing some of the fruit of putting these lessons into practice.
I will go over some specific examples in my later posts, but for now I want to share some general principles that I believe will help in developing loving sibling relationships.
1. Prayer & Priority – I think they go hand in hand. If this is something that’s very important to you, you will pray about it a lot, as I did (and still do). If you pray about it a lot, it will continue to be one of the top priorities in your parenting journey. Before my second child was even born, this was my prayer and my goal for my children: Lord, please help them to develop a sweet, lifelong friendship. I’ve noticed that in parenting (as in life), whatever you place as your top priorities tend to naturally come to fruition. The opposite is also true – whatever you don’t place as a priority doesn’t usually happen on its own. In our household, the example of this was my children learning Japanese. I had so many other priorities/goals in mind, that this goal was placed farther away from the top. As a result, my children don’t speak a lick of Japanese. As most parents know, you can’t place everything in the top priority category. You have to pick and choose. That’s why prayer plays such a major role in determining your priorities and also in asking His blessing to find success in those priorities.
2. Husband/wife as their relationship model – I think this is huge. The atmosphere of the home and the examples the children see everyday greatly influence how they learn to treat other people. I am very blessed in this area. My husband and I have a supportive, loving, respectful friendship. They see us laughing together constantly. They hear us complementing each other and working as a team on practically everything. They never hear us raise our voices at each other, disrespect/devalue each other, or even be sarcastic to each other. This was the kind of atmosphere they were raised in from birth, so it was pretty natural for them to learn how to treat one another in this way. When MiniLu (our adopted child) joined our family at age 2, I believe she sensed this atmosphere right away and followed suit naturally. We never had any issue with violence from her. She was very quick to sense and follow the “natural flow” of our home, which is to respect and be kind to one another.
3. Supervise their interactions and address their heart issue. I probably do this a little too often that my kids may be getting sick of it. Many times I don’t wait for their little disagreements to turn into raging, crying fits before I intervene. My ears are constantly open to how they speak to one another – at home, in the car, and pretty much whenever I’m around them. Even if they are playing by themselves and I only hear them in the background, my ears are always listening. I address little things, such as adding “please” and “thank you.” I address them (well, mainly my oldest) when I hear her starting to sound too bossy. When one of them is boasting or showing off, I immediately address their heart: “Do you think you said that out of a good heart or a bad heart? Do you think what you just said made your sister happy or sad?” 10 out of 10 times they give me the right answer. If I hear that their little argument is starting to escalate, I tell them to pause. “You girls are only making each other upset right now, so let’s just stop talking for a while.” I will address tattling more in detail later, but I follow the same principle: I address their heart and encourage them to solve the issue with the other sibling respectfully. This has become my daily habit. As a result, I noticed that my time of “refereeing blowouts” has decreased significantly in the recent year or so. Most of the time they are able to resolve the issue peacefully among themselves without things getting out of hand.
4. Balance their time together and time apart. As much as you love your spouse, or a sister/brother, or mother/father, or best friend, isn’t there a time when you just need to be apart after being with them 24-7? If we experience this as adults, how much more do our children experience this? I believe there’s some truth to the phrase “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” When my older two girls are apart (because of school or one of them being at grandparents’ house), I can tell that they miss each other and are glad when they are reunited. If a younger sibling is not home when my oldest returns from school, she immediately asks, “Where’s LittleBit?” I will address in my later posts how you can intentionally structure some time for your children to be apart. At the same time, we don’t want to give them too much time apart. After all, it’s through their daily interactions and play time that they develop a lasting friendship. This becomes harder as the older ones start attending school. We found a perfect system where our school-age children go to school three days a week and are homeschooled two days a week. We found this to be a perfect balance in how much time they spend together and apart. I imagine it would be a little harder for parents to balance this if the children are homeschooled exclusively or if they go to school five days a week. I will try to include some suggestions for these two situations in my later posts as well…stay tuned!
These are some general principles that have helped our family so far in cultivating loving sibling relationships. Please feel free to comment if you have anything to add that has worked for your family.
Continued on Part 2…
by BooParry | Oct 15, 2012 | #MomLife, Key, Parenting, Series
Around 15 months of age, Peanut had mastered the not-so-beautiful art of whining. We knew her to have more of a “difficult” temperament by this time, but we still had not learned to fully engage in some of these issues as parents of a strong-willed child. When she turned two and we were still dealing with her dramatic tantrums and whining, we knew that we had to do something drastic about them. This time, I was determined to be more consistent and tackle these issues whole-heartedly, instead of half-heartedly. Our child must learn to obey our authority. She does not have the freedom to “run the show” in our family.
My mentor advised that the key factor in her learning to obey was developing her self-control. Some people laughed at me. Teaching a two-year-old how to have self-control? Good luck. I, however, had complete confidence that it can be done. I knew I couldn’t expect her to have the same level of self-control as an adult, but as a two-year-old, she can learn to not throw an angry fit over the smallest things.
Up to this point, when she would whine or throw a fit, I would put her in the crib. Well, remember I told you that she’s strong-willed. When I put her in the crib, she would just keep screaming or crying. When I felt that she had “calmed down enough,” I would go in and get her. We repeated this cycle more often than I care to count. I then realized – she was still making some sort of noises (to express her discontent) when I came in the room to pick her up. In her mind, she was winning every time.
One day, I decided that I was not going back to get her until she had calmed down and was actually quiet. I explained this to her. I began to use the words “self-control” as part of our regular vocabulary. The first time I put her in the crib for whining after making that decision, she cried for…well, for the purpose of this public blog, let’s just say for a very, very long time (if you want to know just how strong-willed she is, call me, and I will tell you how long it actually was). To our relief though, it was the only time she cried for that long.
That day, as I sat outside her bedroom hearing her cry, this was what I wrote on her journal:
While you were in there crying, I kept praying. Dad came home and we prayed together. We prayed for God to guide us with His wisdom and discernment. I also placed my hands on your bedroom door and prayed for you, that you will be able to learn the skill of self-control. At one point, you started crying out to me: “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!” My heart broke into a thousand pieces. Having to discipline you breaks my heart and brings me to tears, but I am absolutely committed to helping you develop godly character and values. I want to do the “right” thing for you, rather than the “easy” thing. I desire for you to produce good fruit in your life, and be all that God created you to be.
Whew. So what happened after this long, drawn-out crying/screaming session? When her screams finally turned into whimpers of surrender, I went in and praised her like crazy. She was so happy for rest of the night. It was like a different type of countenance took over her face – total freedom and relief. It was as if she realized (the hard way) how much burden had been lifted off of her…when she finally learned to let go.
Whining did not disappear after that one night, but it significantly decreased. Next time we put her in the crib, the duration of her crying and screaming was a lot less. Within weeks (maybe days), as a two-year-old, she fully understood the meaning of the term “self-control” (and even used it on her baby sister when she was screaming).
That was almost three years ago. The road of raising her has not been easy. In fact, it’s been extremely, almost indescribably challenging. But it’s been so worth it. She still loses her temper at times, but most of the time, we’re able to help calm herself down simply by saying, “Peanut, show us self-control.” She stops. She’s calm. This may not seem like a big deal to some, but it’s HUGE for me as a parent of a child who has shown more persistence and aggression than I’ve experienced from anyone I’ve met.
I believe the main foundation I’ve been able to establish with her in the last five years is TRUST.
TRUST that I, as her mom, will not allow her to have her way, no matter how persistent she is. Deep inside, I believe strong-willed children are desperately looking to their authority figures to take on that challenge from them and provide security with love and discipline.
TRUST that my words come with weight. When mom says something, she means it. She can trust that I will follow through.
TRUST that I have her best interest at heart. When things are calm, I take every opportunity to let her know why I need her to obey and the benefits it will bring to her life.
TRUST that I love her, always, no matter what. After every discipline, I try to remember to squeeze her tight, tell her how much I love her, tell her she’s forgiven, and tell her how much I believe in her. I let her know: God has big, great plans for you! You are meant to be a leader.
I know that we’re still building on this foundation. But I see the fruit of it already. Just yesterday, she was sent to her room, and she began banging on the wall. I just opened the door once, and told her calmly, “Peanut, you will stay in your room longer, the more you bang against that wall.” Banging stopped. Why? Because she believes me, 100%, that she will stay in that room longer the more she bangs on that wall. With a strong-willed child, it takes a lot longer to build that trust. They just want to keep testing, and testing, and testing…hanging on to a tiny chance that this time, maybe she’ll give in? But as I mentioned earlier, they have love-hate battles within themselves. They want to win, but they don’t. They know they should not really be in control at this age. Yet they can’t help themselves from testing authority. My husband and I are determined to be that strong pillar for her, just as God is the strong pillar for us.
To the parents of strong-willed children: I share your pain, I feel your turmoil. It’s not easy…not even in the least. It’s a very special calling, and God has chosen you, not anyone else, but YOU to take on this huge task. My prayers are with you. I know that in less than two decades, we will see some powerful world-changers for God emerge out of our homes. Until then, let’s keep diving in, whole-heartedly.
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