by BooParry | Jan 25, 2018 | #MomLife, Parenting, Series
Photo by Bonnie Kittle on Unsplash
It seems to come so easily and instantly for other moms…the “warm and fuzzy” feelings.
I’ve heard other moms describe the feeling in the following ways:
“It’s like my heart jumped out of my body and started walking around.”
“The feeling I have for my child…I never knew I was capable of having so much love for another human being. It’s like nothing I’ve experienced before.”
“When I think about how much I love my child, I’m finally able to understand God’s great love for me.”
They all sound so…blissful. So motherly.
Let me give it to you straight: I just didn’t have it when my firstborn arrived. Of course, I loved my child. But it wasn’t this overwhelming, never-felt-like-this-before, I-love-you-so-much-I-can’t-stand-it kind of love. It was more like…I love you because you’re my child. God gave you to me as my child, and I am your mother. We are off to a really rough start. This was not what I expected at all. But we are in this for the long haul. Let’s keep learning and growing, together.
Far from all that’s said in a Hallmark card.
Feelings of guilt started to creep in…what is wrong with me? The other moms seem to have this natural affection instantly, but I don’t. Am I a bad mother?
I then had another daughter. This time we were off to a much better start, but I still didn’t get to experience all the warm and fuzzy maternal relationship with her (mainly because I was so overwhelmed with my strong-willed toddler).
I then had another daughter (yes, there is a theme). Another difficult start, another shattering of my expectations (I will write more on this later). This motherhood journey was going in the direction that’s opposite of what I was hoping for. It’s going from hard to harder. Again, the same questions arose, only this time more intensely. What is wrong with me? I must be a bad mother.
I then had a son (notice the change in theme). What do you know – I finally had it. All of it. The warm and fuzzy feelings. The instant, over-the-top affection. Everything all the other moms quoted and more. My heart was completely captured by this tiny creature. I didn’t want to blink my eyes and miss one moment. Three years later, I am still captivated by him. I love experiencing every new stage with him. I don’t think I could love him any more, yet as he grows older I love him more. It’s so natural and it’s just…there.
I believe there was a mixture of factors involved. Obviously, he’s a different gender. In my humanity, I think I naturally have a softer spot for the opposite sex. He’s also my last baby. Last time I had a newborn baby before him was five years prior (our third daughter came by way of adoption when she was 2), and as I already mentioned, I was overwhelmed with my firstborn toddler at the time. With my son, I was a seasoned mom, my girls were older, and I was actually able to relax and enjoy the baby stage. Instead of stressing about little things like I did with my first, I was able to just soak in the blessings.
Here’s what I learned from my contrasting experiences: The warm and fuzzy feelings don’t make you a good mom, and the lack of those feelings doesn’t make you a bad mom. It’s just dumb luck if you have it or you don’t (well, I know God’s hand is involved in all, but you know what I’m trying to say). And it can easily vary from one child to the other.
How do I know this? Because I was far from being a good mom when my son came. In fact, it was a season when I felt absolute worst as a mother. Then, in His infinite grace, God chose to bless me with these motherly feelings when my son came. I had zero part in it.
So I hope this encourages some moms who may be experiencing the disappointment (and the guilt) I felt with my first and third. Every motherhood journey is different (even with multiple children in the same family). With my girls, the affectionate feelings are building over time, brick by brick. With my son, it was instant. That’s just how God saw fit that it should go; I had no control. God has a unique design and purpose for every mother-child relationship. I have four very different relationships with my children, and each one is constantly evolving.
Back to my firstborn. Lately, we have the best conversations at night. They’re often very heartfelt and deep. Yesterday we had a rough interaction. We both did/said things to each other that we regretted. At night, we apologized to each other, and it was so real. We both knew it, we both felt it, and we both expressed it. It was a true soul connection. I love that. I’m able to appreciate it more, because our relationship took (and still takes) a lot of work. But it’s so worth it. She amazes me in so many ways. I don’t know anyone like her…and even though she often drives me crazy, I can’t wait to see all that God will unfold in her life. There are still thorns involved, but our relationship is starting to bud in a beautiful way. I have grown so much as a mom because of her…and we will continue to grow, together. And this shared growing experience…it’s something unique about our relationship that is not shared with the other children. No one can take this away from us.
God gives us emotions for many purposes – simply to enjoy, to grow closer to Him and one another, to cause us to act, etc. But love is never just about a feeling.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
–1 Corinthians 13:7
If it said, “Love is having the most affectionate feeling,” I definitely would have given myself a big fat “F” on the subject of loving my child.
But this – never giving up, never losing faith, being hopeful, and enduring through every circumstance – this, my love for them can do.
by BooParry | May 4, 2016 | #MomLife, Key, Parenting, Series
It came out of nowhere. As it usually does. After eight years of this, you’d think we wouldn’t be so shocked or be at our wits’ end. But as she grows older, these “episodes” have become few and far between, so when she does have one, it has a way of catching us off guard.
Most of you have heard us describe her as “strong-willed.” It’s been who she is since Day 1. There really is no simple way to describe it. Except that it’s not normal. Our second-born daughter can get pretty dramatic when she’s upset. But our oldest…she brings in this level of determination that is just not normal for a child. Somehow, during these episodes, she can usually manage to get our emotions and nerves all worked up and keep us engaged in her battle way longer than we need to be.
All of these battles have helped us to grow along with her. Through the countless episodes we have experienced with her in the last eight years, we have discovered that there are two main ingredients that work in parenting a strong-willed child (or any child for that matter): consistency and prayer.
Here’s how it went down tonight.
She normally asks to get a drink of water before bed. We usually say yes. This particular night, she had gotten a drink of water in between the time I had said good-night to her and she was waiting for Allan to come in to say good-night. After she finished her routine with Allan, she asked to go get another drink of water. He said no, because she already had a drink. That was it. After a good day (or even good few months of no major episodes), in a simple matter over a sip of water, she decided to put up her battle sign. This was the hill she was going to die on. And folks, I don’t think I’m exaggerating much when I say that she really is prepared to win or die in these battles.
After Allan gave his answer, he closed her bedroom door.
The pounding started. The kicking and banging started. They kept going on. And on. And on. And on.
After about 20 minutes, I went in. I calmly told her this behavior was not acceptable. I reminded her of the privileges she will lose if she continues in this behavior. In these situations, I quickly need to choose what I can take away that would motivate her enough to end the battle. During her preschool years, it was a privilege to social outings, such as playdates, birthday parties, and Mimi’s house. In recent years it’s been a privilege to socialize with anyone, meaning she had to spend a lot of time in her room by herself. This time, something else came to my mind quickly. She had never been one to be addicted to electronics, until this past week. She has been obsessed over a game called Minecraft in her new Kindle. She’s been constantly asking for permission to play the game. I told her that she will lose the privilege of her electronics if she continues to throw these fits. However, I made the mistake of not making it “clear cut” enough for her before I left the room. How much was considered a fit? How much longer did I mean when I said, “If you continue to throw a fit”? You’d think I’d be experienced enough by now to make such amateur mistakes!
She stopped the pounding and the kicking. She began the “yelling under the door crack” method. “YOU ARE MEAN!! MOMMY, YOU ARE SO MEAN!” “MOMMY, WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN TO MEEEEEE!?????” All the while, I can hear her baby brother babbling in his room next door (I mean, I wonder what’s keeping him up?).
Allan decided to give it a shot. He tried the “Let’s try to reason with her and help to calm her down” option. This method had worked about a handful of times out of the billion battles we’ve experienced with her. So…the odds were against him, but he gave it his best shot. “Peanut, can you tell me why you are being so upset over a sip of water?” “I’m thirsty! I need a drink of water!” “Peanut, you are going to be okay. You can have some water tomorrow morning.” “You always say tomorrow!” “No, I usually let you go get a drink of water. Don’t I usually let you get a drink of water? Just tonight, you had already gotten a sip two minutes before you asked. So the answer was no. You HAVE to be OK with that answer.” “But I’m thirsty! I’m thirsty! I’m thirsty!” “Peanut, let’s have self-control. Come on, you can do it. Let’s show self-control.” “I can’t! I’m thirsty! I can’t!!” “Peanut, you know what happens when you keep throwing fits. You lose privileges.” “NO! I don’t want to lose privileges! And I want a drink of water, because I’m thirsty!” She’s shouting as she’s wailing and flopping her body all over the place at the same time. It’s quite a sight to watch an 8-year-old throw a tantrum.
There were moments in there when she seemed to calm down a bit…only to begin another round. So after few repeats of the above conversation, Allan said good-night and walked out. At this point I knew that she was just wanting to keep either of us engaged. Because in her mind, if we were still engaged, then the battle was not over yet.
What baffles me every time is this: in all of eight years we’ve had with her, we have NEVER – not even once – EVER given in to her demand after she has thrown a fit like this. Never. Yet she still chooses to give everything she’s got to try to win the battle. She is a true warrior.
After Allan left the room, she started screaming LOUDER under the door crack. “DADDDYYY!! DAAAAADDDDDYYYY!!!” This is her desperation cry to keep us engaged in the battle. “The room is dark and I need someone in here!” (I knew she was desperate, because she started to shout out anything she could think of, that had nothing to do with the topic at hand). “I’m trying but I CAN’T (she means having self-control).” “I need help!!! I NEED HELP, DAAAAADDDDDYYY!!!!”
It was late, the house was quiet apart from her screaming voice, the other kids were trying to sleep…and this was about the time when Allan and I started questioning our own sanity. Did we go wrong somewhere? Is there something seriously wrong with our child?
Then I remembered to pray. I often get so caught up in the heat of the moment (I know I can’t blame it all on her, but she really has a way of messing with your emotions) that I forget the most important thing. My lifeline. Because without Him, I can promise you that we wouldn’t have made it for eight years. One of us would have lost our sanity by now. We certainly wouldn’t have been able to experience the kind of peace we have in our home for the majority of the time.
I sent out a quick popcorn prayer: “God, I need YOUR wisdom.”
I walked into her room as she was shouting, “I NEED HEEEELLLPPP!!!!” I calmly but firmly told her, “I’m here to help you, and this is how I’m helping you. You lost two days of electronics so far because of the way you behaved.” She began to blow up – this has always been her method – whenever I tell her what she’d lost, she counterattacks by repeating “I don’t want to lose (whatever I just said, in this case 2 days)! I don’t want to lose ____ !!” But before she had a chance to get too out of control, I grabbed her by both arms, looked at her in the eyes and said, “Peanut, it’s already done. Now, you can lose FOUR days if I have to come in here again because you are shouting, banging, or making any kind of loud noise. It’s up to you. But you WILL lose 4 days if I need to come back in. Do you understand me?” She said yes through her fits. I spelled it out clearly for her this time. She knew exactly what she would be losing and she knew exactly what behavior would cause her to lose it. She still threw herself around saying she didn’t want to lose (the first) 2 days, etc. But I kept talking over her cries. “Peanut, I’m going to help you into bed now. I’m going to pray for you.” As she continued to wail, I began to pray for God to fill her with His PEACE. I prayed for her to feel His presence and love. I prayed that He would help her to gain self-control and that she would trust Him to do so. I prayed in the powerful name of Jesus.
She was still wailing as I was leaving the room, so I made the condition very clear to her again. I made sure to get a response from her that she understood me. Then I closed the door. She cried out for a few more seconds. Then, just as suddenly as it started, it stopped. COMPLETELY stopped. She had finally surrendered.
I came downstairs. Of course, the first question Allan asked was, “How did you get her to stop??”
Consistency and Prayer.
When she chooses a battle, she WILL keep fighting, with ALL that she’s got. That’s who she is. She will not stop…until she finally determines that the consequences of continuing to fight sting her more deeply than letting go of her will to win. We have to remember to SPELL out the boundaries and consequences as CLEARLY as possible. We then have to be consistent. One of the biggest rewards that came out of all the battles during her early years was this: She 100% believes us now, every time, when we spell out the consequences that will take place. What we say WILL happen if the line is crossed. We’ve had to consistently set firm boundaries for her and help her understand that she will not win this kind of battle, in this way.
I also believe with my whole heart, that divine intervention is always necessary for her to finally calm down and put up her white flag of surrender. When she’s right in the middle of a heated battle, there were many times it seemed as though nothing would work to calm her down. It felt like that tonight. Allan and I were both exhausted. Then two simple prayers – both my popcorn prayer asking for wisdom and praying over her for peace as she wailed – helped to bring an end to this battle. Thank you, God!!
2 Afterthoughts:
- I checked on her a little while later that night. She was still awake but was lying on the floor with her pillow, blanket, and stuffed animals. I knew that she was trying to make some sort of a point, but I let it go as the battle was never about “staying in bed.” I told her that I was proud of her for gaining self-control. I told her that I loved her and always will, no matter what. About an hour later, Allan went in and carried her sleeping body to her bed. In the morning, we saw that she had gotten out of bed again and slept on the floor. This girl!
- As it usually happens on the day after a battle, she was coming over to both Allan and me frequently the next morning, hugging us and using her sweet voice to say, “Daddddy! Mommmy!!!” We know that this is her way of making restoration.
Oh, Peanut, it has been an adventure since Day 1 and it continues to be. You keep us on our toes. One thing I look forward to the most: seeing what incredible plans God has in store for you as a strong-willed adult, a force to be reckoned with. Watch out, world!
by BooParry | Nov 20, 2015 | #MomLife, #Undone, Books, Parenting, Series
Motherhood is more than posed and frameable moments.
It’s not the sum of blissful images filling the pages of a scrapbook. A mother is made in the difficult, challenging, and very real crises that never make it to a page. It’s choosing to love when you’d rather run away. Being a mother is becoming an expert at saying, “I’m sorry,” “I forgive you,” and “I love you,” as many times as necessary. And teaching your children to do the same.
It involved more hard work and less glamour than I’d dreamed once upon a time.
-Michele Cushatt, Undone*
Wow. So much truth here. If you’re not a mom yet, just know that you’ll come to realize this truth in time. The journey of motherhood. Similar to marriage, it’s not quite what you expected it to be when you were dreaming of it “once upon a time.”
Blissful. That’s the one word I would have chosen, before I became a mom, of how I expected motherhood to be like. All I have to say to that me is this: haha.
Here are a few of the many sandcastles/myths I’ve had to (or I’m still learning to) smash along the way, on my journey of motherhood so far.
Sandcastle #1: Motherhood will make me happy. Now, of course, there will be a lot of happy moments that your children will bring when you’re a mother. As well as a lot of frustrating moments, challenging moments, annoying moments, sad moments, etc. What I’ve had to learn is this. Truth: I cannot make my children responsible for my emotions. Their job is not to make me happy. Their job is to be children. My job is to parent them in love. It’s my job to look out for their best interest; it is not their job to look out for mine. I am the adult. When they do things that frustrate/annoy/inconvenience me, my natural inclination is to react, to take it out on them, and to have them pay for making me feel this way. One of the hardest things as a parent is to keep my own feelings in check. Particularly in times of discipline, I have to remember to ask myself, “Is this for their best interest, or am I reacting from my own emotions?” Oh man, this is so incredibly hard to keep in check, especially in the heat of the moment. So many popcorn prayers are necessary in these moments: God help me!
Sandcastle #2: The main purpose of motherhood is to help my children grow. Of course, a huge chunk of motherhood is about helping my children grow. But what I’ve come to realize in the last 8 years of parenting is, Truth: I’m the one who is challenged to grow the most. Motherhood exposes so much of my own shortcomings, such as anger issues, impatience, lack of self-control, weaknesses, and inadequacies. Motherhood gives me so many opportunities – daily – to grow in these areas, as I learn to rely on God and His strength more and more. It’s not about building a trophy of “look what a good mom I am.” Like Michele said, it’s more hard work and less glamour. It’s more about growing than displaying. It’s a very humbling journey. But come to think of it, how in the world did we ever think we had it figured out at the start of this journey, when we had never experienced being a mom before? Of course it would be about growing. Somehow, parenting is one area we tend to think we automatically become experts at from the start. How wrong were we!
Sandcastle #3: Conflicts and challenges reflect badly on me as a parent. I was always a well-behaved child, so I expected to have well-behaved children. I thought I would coast through motherhood like I coasted through all my years of school: straight A’s. Yeah, not quite. My firstborn came out of the gates letting me know that she will not fit into any type of a box. As a baby, she was fussy. As a toddler, she threw ridiculous tantrums. As a preschooler, she was defiant. As a human being, she was (is) strong-willed like no other. She shattered my expectation of having a well-behaved child that is admired by all other parents. Some of it may be a cultural thing, but it was easy for me to be embarrassed by her bad behavior. I automatically assumed that people would see her tantrums and rate me as a bad mother. As I had more children, and as I encountered children from other families, I quickly learned that children come in all types of temperaments and personalities. Some are naturally easy-going and obedient; some are naturally strong-willed and defiant. It is very rare to have a child who is well-behaved all the time. During one of Focus on the Family broadcasts, one of the speakers said something so profound and true (I’m paraphrasing): “You shouldn’t be embarrassed when your child misbehaves. They are children; they will do that. You should be embarrassed as a parent if you fail to deal with their misbehavior.” Conflicts and challenges are part of motherhood, they just are. Truth: Conflicts and challenges are opportunities for growth, both for the parent and the child. If my child behaved well all the time, and if there was no conflict or challenge, I may be viewed as a great mother by others. But in reality, no growth is taking place. No lesson is being taught. How I handle conflicts and challenges as a mother speaks more volume than having a child who is well-behaved all the time.
So there you have it. Some of the misconceptions I had about motherhood that I had to smash. In closing, I’d like to bring attention to how Michele ended this chapter. When her stepson was asked to say one thing he loves about her, he said that he knows she always loves him, no matter what. She wrote, “In all my mothering failings, I’d managed to get one thing right. Love. And it mattered most of all.”
Motherhood is tough. We will make many mistakes. But moms, let’s get this one thing right: love.
*This is part of a series of posts I’m writing about a book by Michele Cushatt called Undone. I will write about what God is having me reflect on after each chapter. You can just read my posts, or you can join the online book club I started. Read my Invite post and Getting Started post to find out more about the book club.
This post was reflecting on Chapters 9 and 10.
Discussion Questions for the book club:
-What misconceptions did you have about motherhood before you became a mom? If you are not a mom, what misconceptions do you think you have about motherhood? What kind of mother do you think you will be?
by BooParry | Nov 9, 2012 | #MomLife, Parenting, Series
Last night, as the girls were seating themselves at the dinner table, LittleBit looked over at Peanut, and in response, Peanut turned her head away and said, “I don’t want her to look at me.” Previous to this exchange, I had already warned Peanut that she must be kind and show a good attitude. When she did this, I sent her to her room. She was screaming and kicking in there for a while. While she was throwing her fit, a thought occurred to me (which I believe was from God): Perhaps another friend has done and said a similar thing to her? After Peanut had calmed down, I went into her room. Here was the conversation that took place:
Me: Do you know why you were sent to your room?
P: Yes, because I turned my head and said I didn’t want to look at LittleBit.
Me: That’s right, that was unkind. In OUR family, we do not treat each other this way. (Pause). Peanut, did a friend at school do the same thing to you?
P: (tears filling up her eyes). Yes. ______ does that to me all the time.
Me: (going over to hug her and cry with her). I’m so sorry that he does that. We will pray for him. We will pray that God will change his heart and he will stop doing that. Do you know what though? When he does that, you feel sad, right?
P: Yes.
Me: That’s exactly how LittleBit feels when you do that to her. It makes her sad. In OUR family, we always do our best to treat others with love and kindness.
P: Yes, Mommy.
It was one of those rare moments when I felt I was really able to connect with her heart. I pray that there are many more to come. I pray that I will cherish every one of them. I pray that God will continue to pour His wisdom. Through every precious moment like this, I pray that she will come to a deeper understanding of my love…but more importantly, of God’s great love for her.
by BooParry | Oct 15, 2012 | #MomLife, Key, Parenting, Series
Around 15 months of age, Peanut had mastered the not-so-beautiful art of whining. We knew her to have more of a “difficult” temperament by this time, but we still had not learned to fully engage in some of these issues as parents of a strong-willed child. When she turned two and we were still dealing with her dramatic tantrums and whining, we knew that we had to do something drastic about them. This time, I was determined to be more consistent and tackle these issues whole-heartedly, instead of half-heartedly. Our child must learn to obey our authority. She does not have the freedom to “run the show” in our family.
My mentor advised that the key factor in her learning to obey was developing her self-control. Some people laughed at me. Teaching a two-year-old how to have self-control? Good luck. I, however, had complete confidence that it can be done. I knew I couldn’t expect her to have the same level of self-control as an adult, but as a two-year-old, she can learn to not throw an angry fit over the smallest things.
Up to this point, when she would whine or throw a fit, I would put her in the crib. Well, remember I told you that she’s strong-willed. When I put her in the crib, she would just keep screaming or crying. When I felt that she had “calmed down enough,” I would go in and get her. We repeated this cycle more often than I care to count. I then realized – she was still making some sort of noises (to express her discontent) when I came in the room to pick her up. In her mind, she was winning every time.
One day, I decided that I was not going back to get her until she had calmed down and was actually quiet. I explained this to her. I began to use the words “self-control” as part of our regular vocabulary. The first time I put her in the crib for whining after making that decision, she cried for…well, for the purpose of this public blog, let’s just say for a very, very long time (if you want to know just how strong-willed she is, call me, and I will tell you how long it actually was). To our relief though, it was the only time she cried for that long.
That day, as I sat outside her bedroom hearing her cry, this was what I wrote on her journal:
While you were in there crying, I kept praying. Dad came home and we prayed together. We prayed for God to guide us with His wisdom and discernment. I also placed my hands on your bedroom door and prayed for you, that you will be able to learn the skill of self-control. At one point, you started crying out to me: “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!” My heart broke into a thousand pieces. Having to discipline you breaks my heart and brings me to tears, but I am absolutely committed to helping you develop godly character and values. I want to do the “right” thing for you, rather than the “easy” thing. I desire for you to produce good fruit in your life, and be all that God created you to be.
Whew. So what happened after this long, drawn-out crying/screaming session? When her screams finally turned into whimpers of surrender, I went in and praised her like crazy. She was so happy for rest of the night. It was like a different type of countenance took over her face – total freedom and relief. It was as if she realized (the hard way) how much burden had been lifted off of her…when she finally learned to let go.
Whining did not disappear after that one night, but it significantly decreased. Next time we put her in the crib, the duration of her crying and screaming was a lot less. Within weeks (maybe days), as a two-year-old, she fully understood the meaning of the term “self-control” (and even used it on her baby sister when she was screaming).
That was almost three years ago. The road of raising her has not been easy. In fact, it’s been extremely, almost indescribably challenging. But it’s been so worth it. She still loses her temper at times, but most of the time, we’re able to help calm herself down simply by saying, “Peanut, show us self-control.” She stops. She’s calm. This may not seem like a big deal to some, but it’s HUGE for me as a parent of a child who has shown more persistence and aggression than I’ve experienced from anyone I’ve met.
I believe the main foundation I’ve been able to establish with her in the last five years is TRUST.
TRUST that I, as her mom, will not allow her to have her way, no matter how persistent she is. Deep inside, I believe strong-willed children are desperately looking to their authority figures to take on that challenge from them and provide security with love and discipline.
TRUST that my words come with weight. When mom says something, she means it. She can trust that I will follow through.
TRUST that I have her best interest at heart. When things are calm, I take every opportunity to let her know why I need her to obey and the benefits it will bring to her life.
TRUST that I love her, always, no matter what. After every discipline, I try to remember to squeeze her tight, tell her how much I love her, tell her she’s forgiven, and tell her how much I believe in her. I let her know: God has big, great plans for you! You are meant to be a leader.
I know that we’re still building on this foundation. But I see the fruit of it already. Just yesterday, she was sent to her room, and she began banging on the wall. I just opened the door once, and told her calmly, “Peanut, you will stay in your room longer, the more you bang against that wall.” Banging stopped. Why? Because she believes me, 100%, that she will stay in that room longer the more she bangs on that wall. With a strong-willed child, it takes a lot longer to build that trust. They just want to keep testing, and testing, and testing…hanging on to a tiny chance that this time, maybe she’ll give in? But as I mentioned earlier, they have love-hate battles within themselves. They want to win, but they don’t. They know they should not really be in control at this age. Yet they can’t help themselves from testing authority. My husband and I are determined to be that strong pillar for her, just as God is the strong pillar for us.
To the parents of strong-willed children: I share your pain, I feel your turmoil. It’s not easy…not even in the least. It’s a very special calling, and God has chosen you, not anyone else, but YOU to take on this huge task. My prayers are with you. I know that in less than two decades, we will see some powerful world-changers for God emerge out of our homes. Until then, let’s keep diving in, whole-heartedly.
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by BooParry | May 31, 2012 | #MomLife, Parenting, Series
I never wrote down “referee” or “police” as what I wanted to be when I grew up. Never. So how did I end up here? As a stay-at-home mom of two little girls (ages 4 and 2), I often find myself in these types of conversations.
As we get out of the minivan and into our house
Peanut: I want to open the door!
LittleBit: I want to open the door!
Me: Peanut may open the door, LittleBit may close the door (or vice versa).
Concerning their drinking cups
Peanut: I have a purple cup, LittleBit has a yellow cup.
LittleBit: No, I have an orange cup.
Peanut: No, you have a yellow cup.
LittleBit: NO! I have an orange cup.
Peanut: MOMMY!! LittleBit says she has an orange cup, but it’s a yellow cup.
Me: It’s orange. No more arguing about the color of the cup.
When Peanut is being bossy to LittleBit
Peanut: LittleBit, you need to drink your milk first, then you can have some orange juice. Say, “Yes, *Nene.” *Nene is what LittleBit calls Peanut.
Me: Peanut, you do not have the freedom to speak to her like you’re her mommy. I am her mommy.
When LittleBit is being bossy to Peanut
LittleBit: Sit down, NOW!
Peanut: MOMMY!! LittleBit is talking to me like she’s my mommy, but she’s not my mommy!
Me: Sigh (don’t even know what to say).
This was definitely not part of the beautiful sandcastle of motherhood I had built in my mind (before I actually became a mother). No, I do not enjoy being a referee. The preschool stage is filled with day-to-day instructions, list of do’s and don’ts, and discipline matters. I sometimes find myself fast forwarding to the future, when I will have more of a trainer, a coach, a mentor, and eventually a friend role. I am a relational being to the core, and I have a good feeling I will enjoy those stages.
SMASH. That was the sound of me smashing the sandcastle down. I stop fast forwarding (daydreaming about the future) and remember that in order to get there, I must start here. I am not building a sandcastle that looks pretty on the outside but can easily be swept away. I am building a firm foundation that will last – brick by brick. I invest my time and energy into guiding them to develop a strong sense of morals and values. What can be more worthwhile than that?
For now, I do my best to deliver clear and concrete instructions. I follow through. I reinforce. I encourage. I referee. I explain. I illustrate. I discipline. I help them to gain a different perspective. I model with my actions and words. I pray. Then the next day, I repeat. Somewhere along this cycle, I reflect and realize that I am building a foundation, even if it’s little by little. As I stay consistent and as the girls gain more understanding, our trust grows. This trust will play a major role in the relational stages that I so look forward to.
I wrote down some examples of the progress we’re making.
Instead of snatching a toy out of another’s hand, this is what I’ve taught them to do
One Sister: May I borrow that after you’re done, please?
The Other: Yes, you may.
Instead of being frustrated or competitive when she can’t figure it out
LittleBit: Please help, Nene.
Peanut: OK, I will help you.
Instead of tattling
Peanut: Please get down, LittleBit. Remember, Mommy said not to stand on the couch.
LittleBit: OK.
They love to help each other.
They love to compliment each other.
They love to forgive each other.
They LOVE to laugh together.
They may seem like little steps, but I compliment the girls like crazy when I witness these words and actions being exchanged. To the best of my ability, I show them that the color of the cup is not important. Who gets to open the door is not important. How you treat each other with love and kindness – now, that’s important.
There is no doubt in my mind that they absolutely love and adore each other. They love to play together and sing silly, made-up songs together. They truly enjoy each other’s company. I see a beginning of a beautiful, lifelong friendship, and my prayer is that it will continue to grow. I know that I will keep doing my part to build on the foundation. For this, it’s worth being a referee, even if I don’t enjoy it.
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