by BooParry | Nov 9, 2012 | #MomLife, Parenting, Series
Last night, as the girls were seating themselves at the dinner table, LittleBit looked over at Peanut, and in response, Peanut turned her head away and said, “I don’t want her to look at me.” Previous to this exchange, I had already warned Peanut that she must be kind and show a good attitude. When she did this, I sent her to her room. She was screaming and kicking in there for a while. While she was throwing her fit, a thought occurred to me (which I believe was from God): Perhaps another friend has done and said a similar thing to her? After Peanut had calmed down, I went into her room. Here was the conversation that took place:
Me: Do you know why you were sent to your room?
P: Yes, because I turned my head and said I didn’t want to look at LittleBit.
Me: That’s right, that was unkind. In OUR family, we do not treat each other this way. (Pause). Peanut, did a friend at school do the same thing to you?
P: (tears filling up her eyes). Yes. ______ does that to me all the time.
Me: (going over to hug her and cry with her). I’m so sorry that he does that. We will pray for him. We will pray that God will change his heart and he will stop doing that. Do you know what though? When he does that, you feel sad, right?
P: Yes.
Me: That’s exactly how LittleBit feels when you do that to her. It makes her sad. In OUR family, we always do our best to treat others with love and kindness.
P: Yes, Mommy.
It was one of those rare moments when I felt I was really able to connect with her heart. I pray that there are many more to come. I pray that I will cherish every one of them. I pray that God will continue to pour His wisdom. Through every precious moment like this, I pray that she will come to a deeper understanding of my love…but more importantly, of God’s great love for her.
by BooParry | Oct 15, 2012 | #MomLife, Key, Parenting, Series
Around 15 months of age, Peanut had mastered the not-so-beautiful art of whining. We knew her to have more of a “difficult” temperament by this time, but we still had not learned to fully engage in some of these issues as parents of a strong-willed child. When she turned two and we were still dealing with her dramatic tantrums and whining, we knew that we had to do something drastic about them. This time, I was determined to be more consistent and tackle these issues whole-heartedly, instead of half-heartedly. Our child must learn to obey our authority. She does not have the freedom to “run the show” in our family.
My mentor advised that the key factor in her learning to obey was developing her self-control. Some people laughed at me. Teaching a two-year-old how to have self-control? Good luck. I, however, had complete confidence that it can be done. I knew I couldn’t expect her to have the same level of self-control as an adult, but as a two-year-old, she can learn to not throw an angry fit over the smallest things.
Up to this point, when she would whine or throw a fit, I would put her in the crib. Well, remember I told you that she’s strong-willed. When I put her in the crib, she would just keep screaming or crying. When I felt that she had “calmed down enough,” I would go in and get her. We repeated this cycle more often than I care to count. I then realized – she was still making some sort of noises (to express her discontent) when I came in the room to pick her up. In her mind, she was winning every time.
One day, I decided that I was not going back to get her until she had calmed down and was actually quiet. I explained this to her. I began to use the words “self-control” as part of our regular vocabulary. The first time I put her in the crib for whining after making that decision, she cried for…well, for the purpose of this public blog, let’s just say for a very, very long time (if you want to know just how strong-willed she is, call me, and I will tell you how long it actually was). To our relief though, it was the only time she cried for that long.
That day, as I sat outside her bedroom hearing her cry, this was what I wrote on her journal:
While you were in there crying, I kept praying. Dad came home and we prayed together. We prayed for God to guide us with His wisdom and discernment. I also placed my hands on your bedroom door and prayed for you, that you will be able to learn the skill of self-control. At one point, you started crying out to me: “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!” My heart broke into a thousand pieces. Having to discipline you breaks my heart and brings me to tears, but I am absolutely committed to helping you develop godly character and values. I want to do the “right” thing for you, rather than the “easy” thing. I desire for you to produce good fruit in your life, and be all that God created you to be.
Whew. So what happened after this long, drawn-out crying/screaming session? When her screams finally turned into whimpers of surrender, I went in and praised her like crazy. She was so happy for rest of the night. It was like a different type of countenance took over her face – total freedom and relief. It was as if she realized (the hard way) how much burden had been lifted off of her…when she finally learned to let go.
Whining did not disappear after that one night, but it significantly decreased. Next time we put her in the crib, the duration of her crying and screaming was a lot less. Within weeks (maybe days), as a two-year-old, she fully understood the meaning of the term “self-control” (and even used it on her baby sister when she was screaming).
That was almost three years ago. The road of raising her has not been easy. In fact, it’s been extremely, almost indescribably challenging. But it’s been so worth it. She still loses her temper at times, but most of the time, we’re able to help calm herself down simply by saying, “Peanut, show us self-control.” She stops. She’s calm. This may not seem like a big deal to some, but it’s HUGE for me as a parent of a child who has shown more persistence and aggression than I’ve experienced from anyone I’ve met.
I believe the main foundation I’ve been able to establish with her in the last five years is TRUST.
TRUST that I, as her mom, will not allow her to have her way, no matter how persistent she is. Deep inside, I believe strong-willed children are desperately looking to their authority figures to take on that challenge from them and provide security with love and discipline.
TRUST that my words come with weight. When mom says something, she means it. She can trust that I will follow through.
TRUST that I have her best interest at heart. When things are calm, I take every opportunity to let her know why I need her to obey and the benefits it will bring to her life.
TRUST that I love her, always, no matter what. After every discipline, I try to remember to squeeze her tight, tell her how much I love her, tell her she’s forgiven, and tell her how much I believe in her. I let her know: God has big, great plans for you! You are meant to be a leader.
I know that we’re still building on this foundation. But I see the fruit of it already. Just yesterday, she was sent to her room, and she began banging on the wall. I just opened the door once, and told her calmly, “Peanut, you will stay in your room longer, the more you bang against that wall.” Banging stopped. Why? Because she believes me, 100%, that she will stay in that room longer the more she bangs on that wall. With a strong-willed child, it takes a lot longer to build that trust. They just want to keep testing, and testing, and testing…hanging on to a tiny chance that this time, maybe she’ll give in? But as I mentioned earlier, they have love-hate battles within themselves. They want to win, but they don’t. They know they should not really be in control at this age. Yet they can’t help themselves from testing authority. My husband and I are determined to be that strong pillar for her, just as God is the strong pillar for us.
To the parents of strong-willed children: I share your pain, I feel your turmoil. It’s not easy…not even in the least. It’s a very special calling, and God has chosen you, not anyone else, but YOU to take on this huge task. My prayers are with you. I know that in less than two decades, we will see some powerful world-changers for God emerge out of our homes. Until then, let’s keep diving in, whole-heartedly.
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by BooParry | May 31, 2012 | #MomLife, Parenting, Series
I never wrote down “referee” or “police” as what I wanted to be when I grew up. Never. So how did I end up here? As a stay-at-home mom of two little girls (ages 4 and 2), I often find myself in these types of conversations.
As we get out of the minivan and into our house
Peanut: I want to open the door!
LittleBit: I want to open the door!
Me: Peanut may open the door, LittleBit may close the door (or vice versa).
Concerning their drinking cups
Peanut: I have a purple cup, LittleBit has a yellow cup.
LittleBit: No, I have an orange cup.
Peanut: No, you have a yellow cup.
LittleBit: NO! I have an orange cup.
Peanut: MOMMY!! LittleBit says she has an orange cup, but it’s a yellow cup.
Me: It’s orange. No more arguing about the color of the cup.
When Peanut is being bossy to LittleBit
Peanut: LittleBit, you need to drink your milk first, then you can have some orange juice. Say, “Yes, *Nene.” *Nene is what LittleBit calls Peanut.
Me: Peanut, you do not have the freedom to speak to her like you’re her mommy. I am her mommy.
When LittleBit is being bossy to Peanut
LittleBit: Sit down, NOW!
Peanut: MOMMY!! LittleBit is talking to me like she’s my mommy, but she’s not my mommy!
Me: Sigh (don’t even know what to say).
This was definitely not part of the beautiful sandcastle of motherhood I had built in my mind (before I actually became a mother). No, I do not enjoy being a referee. The preschool stage is filled with day-to-day instructions, list of do’s and don’ts, and discipline matters. I sometimes find myself fast forwarding to the future, when I will have more of a trainer, a coach, a mentor, and eventually a friend role. I am a relational being to the core, and I have a good feeling I will enjoy those stages.
SMASH. That was the sound of me smashing the sandcastle down. I stop fast forwarding (daydreaming about the future) and remember that in order to get there, I must start here. I am not building a sandcastle that looks pretty on the outside but can easily be swept away. I am building a firm foundation that will last – brick by brick. I invest my time and energy into guiding them to develop a strong sense of morals and values. What can be more worthwhile than that?
For now, I do my best to deliver clear and concrete instructions. I follow through. I reinforce. I encourage. I referee. I explain. I illustrate. I discipline. I help them to gain a different perspective. I model with my actions and words. I pray. Then the next day, I repeat. Somewhere along this cycle, I reflect and realize that I am building a foundation, even if it’s little by little. As I stay consistent and as the girls gain more understanding, our trust grows. This trust will play a major role in the relational stages that I so look forward to.
I wrote down some examples of the progress we’re making.
Instead of snatching a toy out of another’s hand, this is what I’ve taught them to do
One Sister: May I borrow that after you’re done, please?
The Other: Yes, you may.
Instead of being frustrated or competitive when she can’t figure it out
LittleBit: Please help, Nene.
Peanut: OK, I will help you.
Instead of tattling
Peanut: Please get down, LittleBit. Remember, Mommy said not to stand on the couch.
LittleBit: OK.
They love to help each other.
They love to compliment each other.
They love to forgive each other.
They LOVE to laugh together.
They may seem like little steps, but I compliment the girls like crazy when I witness these words and actions being exchanged. To the best of my ability, I show them that the color of the cup is not important. Who gets to open the door is not important. How you treat each other with love and kindness – now, that’s important.
There is no doubt in my mind that they absolutely love and adore each other. They love to play together and sing silly, made-up songs together. They truly enjoy each other’s company. I see a beginning of a beautiful, lifelong friendship, and my prayer is that it will continue to grow. I know that I will keep doing my part to build on the foundation. For this, it’s worth being a referee, even if I don’t enjoy it.
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