by BooParry | May 31, 2012 | #MomLife, Parenting, Series
I never wrote down “referee” or “police” as what I wanted to be when I grew up. Never. So how did I end up here? As a stay-at-home mom of two little girls (ages 4 and 2), I often find myself in these types of conversations.
As we get out of the minivan and into our house
Peanut: I want to open the door!
LittleBit: I want to open the door!
Me: Peanut may open the door, LittleBit may close the door (or vice versa).
Concerning their drinking cups
Peanut: I have a purple cup, LittleBit has a yellow cup.
LittleBit: No, I have an orange cup.
Peanut: No, you have a yellow cup.
LittleBit: NO! I have an orange cup.
Peanut: MOMMY!! LittleBit says she has an orange cup, but it’s a yellow cup.
Me: It’s orange. No more arguing about the color of the cup.
When Peanut is being bossy to LittleBit
Peanut: LittleBit, you need to drink your milk first, then you can have some orange juice. Say, “Yes, *Nene.” *Nene is what LittleBit calls Peanut.
Me: Peanut, you do not have the freedom to speak to her like you’re her mommy. I am her mommy.
When LittleBit is being bossy to Peanut
LittleBit: Sit down, NOW!
Peanut: MOMMY!! LittleBit is talking to me like she’s my mommy, but she’s not my mommy!
Me: Sigh (don’t even know what to say).
This was definitely not part of the beautiful sandcastle of motherhood I had built in my mind (before I actually became a mother). No, I do not enjoy being a referee. The preschool stage is filled with day-to-day instructions, list of do’s and don’ts, and discipline matters. I sometimes find myself fast forwarding to the future, when I will have more of a trainer, a coach, a mentor, and eventually a friend role. I am a relational being to the core, and I have a good feeling I will enjoy those stages.
SMASH. That was the sound of me smashing the sandcastle down. I stop fast forwarding (daydreaming about the future) and remember that in order to get there, I must start here. I am not building a sandcastle that looks pretty on the outside but can easily be swept away. I am building a firm foundation that will last – brick by brick. I invest my time and energy into guiding them to develop a strong sense of morals and values. What can be more worthwhile than that?
For now, I do my best to deliver clear and concrete instructions. I follow through. I reinforce. I encourage. I referee. I explain. I illustrate. I discipline. I help them to gain a different perspective. I model with my actions and words. I pray. Then the next day, I repeat. Somewhere along this cycle, I reflect and realize that I am building a foundation, even if it’s little by little. As I stay consistent and as the girls gain more understanding, our trust grows. This trust will play a major role in the relational stages that I so look forward to.
I wrote down some examples of the progress we’re making.
Instead of snatching a toy out of another’s hand, this is what I’ve taught them to do
One Sister: May I borrow that after you’re done, please?
The Other: Yes, you may.
Instead of being frustrated or competitive when she can’t figure it out
LittleBit: Please help, Nene.
Peanut: OK, I will help you.
Instead of tattling
Peanut: Please get down, LittleBit. Remember, Mommy said not to stand on the couch.
LittleBit: OK.
They love to help each other.
They love to compliment each other.
They love to forgive each other.
They LOVE to laugh together.
They may seem like little steps, but I compliment the girls like crazy when I witness these words and actions being exchanged. To the best of my ability, I show them that the color of the cup is not important. Who gets to open the door is not important. How you treat each other with love and kindness – now, that’s important.
There is no doubt in my mind that they absolutely love and adore each other. They love to play together and sing silly, made-up songs together. They truly enjoy each other’s company. I see a beginning of a beautiful, lifelong friendship, and my prayer is that it will continue to grow. I know that I will keep doing my part to build on the foundation. For this, it’s worth being a referee, even if I don’t enjoy it.
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by BooParry | May 24, 2012 | Adoption
Dear My Chinese Daughter,
You are surrounded by so much love already.
On the day I posted our adoption announcement on Facebook, we received 138 “Likes” and 54 comments. I was blown away.
I began to connect with various community/support groups for families who have adopted from China. There is a huge group here in Jacksonville, where they celebrate Chinese festivities together and even offer Chinese language classes. I imagine that you will make many friends through this group.
We had to obtain a child abuse clearance form from Puerto Rico, because Daddy lived there for a few years when he was in the Navy. Your Uncle Mark made the inquiry call in Spanish, obtained the form, and translated the form for Daddy. What a big help.
We need many, many forms notarized during this paperwork stage. Your Aunt Lianne is a notary, and she has been so helpful by being available to notarize our forms. I’m grateful for how much her presence is making this process easier for us.
What I’m trying to say most of all is that I see God’s hand at work in many different ways, and we have only just begun. God has a very special plan for your life, my little girl, and I’m thrilled to unfold all the chapters with you as you join our family. I’m excited for you to meet all the people who are joining us on this journey through their love, support, and prayers.
You are so loved. Never forget that. You are loved by our family and friends. You are loved by your sisters. You are loved by your Daddy and Mommy. Most importantly, you are loved by our God, who has an incredible story for you that He’s already beginning to reveal, long before we meet you face to face.
You are loved.
–Mommy
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by BooParry | May 15, 2012 | Key, Marriage
I was a little irritated with my husband today. Actually, I was very irritated as I walked out the door to have my “alone time” at Starbucks to work on my blog.
It all seems silly now, but it turned out to be a good reminder of how I should handle my anger, especially when it’s directed at my spouse.
It all went down like this.
I was working part-time through last December, and right around the time I decided to quit my job, I read a book written by one of our pastors Kerri Weems called Clueless 10 Things I Wish I Knew About Motherhood Before Becoming a Mom. In this book, she talked about the importance of moms having “alone time” set aside regularly, away from children and household duties, where she can spend her time in a way that rejuvenated her. For me, it’s blogging and exploring my “artistic side,” currently through photography. I shared this idea with my husband, and of course, being the super supportive husband that he is, he had no problem with making this “alone time” happen for me once a week.
We decided this would happen on Monday afternoons. During this time, I escape to the library or Starbucks and work on whatever I want (usually my blog). However, it was not able to happen these last few weeks due to various reasons. I was really looking forward to resuming my weekly “alone time” today. Well, Mondays are Allan’s “day off” (technically) from his main job, but he’s a man who wears many hats and he’s usually busy for the first half of the day running errands for our home business. Things ran later than expected with the errands, and he came home later than I had expected. He also mentioned that he needed me to pick up some packaging tape while I was out.
Here was the cause of my irritation: I felt that my precious, sacred “alone time” that I was entitled to was not treated with much priority. What’s worse, it was going to be cut even shorter by an errand I had to run for him. I found myself in a bit of a steamy mood, and frankly, I didn’t even want to kiss him as I walked out the door (but I quickly gathered enough calmness to give him a quick peck).
Here’s what I did with all that steam.
1. Take myself out of the situation. When I’m in middle of a situation that’s making me mad, my emotions take over and it’s very hard to think logically. I walked out of the house as quickly as possible.
2. Pray and seek wisdom. Even after taking myself out of the situation, I still can’t think logically and wisely on my own. I need an objective standard that will keep my thoughts and emotions in line. God’s wisdom is perfect, mine is not.
3. Evaluate my own mood/heart. First of all, whenever I’m this quick to get irritated, it usually means I’m approaching that unfavorable time of the month. I know that my mood had a lot to do with it, since I’ve also been irritable with my children in the last day or so. I also examined my heart. Does my anger come from a selfish place in my heart? If I was to be honest, yes, it did. I did not care about anything else that was going on. I felt entitled to have my alone time, and I wished he had not interfered with that priority. In marriage, I think it’s always dangerous to be at a place where I feel “entitled” to something, instead of being “thankful.” I had forgotten to be thankful for the privilege of having this “alone time” in the first place.
4. Evaluate the intent of my spouse. Was he trying to interfere on purpose? Absolutely not. I’ve come to learn that with guys, there’s usually no hidden agenda. He became consumed with his tasks, and he came home as soon as he was able to. He noticed that he needed some tape, so he asked me to get them. In his mind, there was nothing more that took place.
5. Examine the situation objectively. This is a place where I wish I arrived at more quickly, but it usually takes me a little bit of time. Here are some questions that I ask myself.
-Was this an intentional offense? No.
-Is this something that’s habitual or a unique incident? Unique.
-If it does become habitual or it keeps bothering me, is it something I can talk to him about? Yes, he’s always open to what I have to say, and I’m confident that we’ll reach a compromising agreement as usual.
-Are there other factors that I’m not seeing or considering? Yes. My selfish anger was keeping me from being thankful for all that he does. He works hard for our family so I can stay home. He allows me to have this weekly alone time, not to mention all the trips and events he’s allowed me to participate in, while he stayed home with the girls. And honestly, how long was it going to take for me to pick up some tape?
-Do I have a good man? At the end of it all, I always try to come back to this question. And the answer, without a doubt, is YES!!
Now after processing all this, I have quickly transformed from someone who barely wanted to kiss him into someone who can’t wait to go home and give him a big smooch. I know…women, right?
I do believe it’s important to process my anger (and talk about it to my spouse when necessary), because it has a way of building itself up into a monster if I choose to suppress and ignore it.
So how do I decide if it’s something that I need to talk to him about, versus something to just process and let go? I will be addressing that in my future post. Stay tuned!
by BooParry | May 2, 2012 | Adoption, Intros, Key
Wow. Where do I begin. It’s been a crazy, emotional, wonderful journey already, and as I type this, we haven’t even submitted our application to an agency yet (update: this was first written a month ago, we have now applied and been accepted by our agency).
I can’t remember when or how I first came up with the idea to adopt. I do remember that whenever I read or heard about an adoption story (particularly from China), I was always moved to tears. One time I found a children’s book called I Love You Like Crazy Cakes (a story about a mother adopting a daughter from China). As I flipped through the pages, I was in tears. After we had our first daughter, I casually introduced the idea of adoption to my husband. At that time, we had decided we want four children. I told him that I would like to birth another child but would like to consider adoption for our third child. He quickly answered, “Sure!” There was no hint of hesitation. After this initial conversation, he became a bigger advocate for adoption than me. He expressed his desire to adopt our child #3 and #4. We figured that we’d begin our adoption process around the time our second child turned one and receive our child #3 by the following year. Well, child #2 came by birth as we had planned. After her arrival, time flew even faster than it did before. Before we knew it, we were celebrating her second birthday, and nothing had begun regarding adoption.
Around this time, some people I knew were pregnant or trying to get pregnant with their third. All of a sudden, I wanted to jump into the same “baby wagon,” and I told my husband that I wanted to pursue a third pregnancy. He said he didn’t care either way, as long as we eventually adopted at least one child. If I was to be completely honest with myself, my motives for wanting a third pregnancy were a bit selfish. I wanted to experience the hype and attention that came with pregnancy and delivery of a new baby. I wanted to “join the club” of others who were pregnant. I wrestled with this thought for a few months.
I began to really seek God for guidance. It seemed as though everywhere I turned, I encountered some sort of adoption story or story about girls who were not wanted/abandoned in certain countries. Allan and I were drawn to the idea of adopting girl(s) from countries where they are considered not favored or important. I had a heart-to-heart moment with God, and I clearly sensed that His desire for our family in this current season was to make adoption our primary focus. We can “talk” about it to death, but were we actually going to answer His call and pursue it?
Even after having this assurance, I still had doubts. There was still a part of me that wanted to birth another baby. I thought perhaps I could pursue both pregnancy and adoption at the same time. I quickly found that this was not allowed in most adoption cases (our application process will be placed on hold if I became pregnant, until our baby was at least six-months old). This would interfere with our plan to make adoption our primary focus. I had two conflicting desires in my heart, and I was in emotional turmoil. I asked for God to grant me increased peace and certainty. He did.
I asked myself, if I had to choose one or the other, which one would I choose? Even though I had desires for both, I knew in my heart that the answer was clear: I would choose adoption. My husband was in full agreement with this, which was an added confirmation. Around this time, a couple I knew from college had traveled to China to adopt their first child, and they posted detailed photos throughout their entire trip on Facebook. I was hooked. I was blown away. I was inspired. I cried looking at many of their pictures. There was no turning back. I had to experience this miracle for myself!
Since then, I have not looked back. When I hear of someone else getting pregnant, I feel a tint of jealousy, but it doesn’t last long. I quickly turn my attention to our calling, our journey. I am an adoption-addict these days. I’ve been introduced to several different families who have adopted from China. I never get tired of hearing each family’s story. Every time they get to the part where they knew this adopted child was theirs, my eyes fill up with tears. Within this last month, it has transformed from a simple desire into a compulsion. We need to do this. It is imperative for us to do this. For our family, it has become a matter of obedience. God has spoken. We will answer and obey. I realized that the turmoil I was experiencing was about deciding to be on board with God’s plan halfway or 100%. I choose 100%. Having the assurance that God is leading every step of this process has allowed my fears to be transformed into excitement. I am thrilled to unfold this next chapter God has in store for us. I cannot wait to turn the page!
Somewhere halfway across the world right now, my child #3 could be alive and breathing. This thought makes me want to jump on a plane right now. Mommy is coming, Sweetheart, Mommy is coming. I have so much love to give, you won’t have enough room in your heart to contain it. I know God will keep you safe until I hold you in my arms. Mommy is coming. Wait just a little while longer, I am coming…for you.
This category of my blog will be dedicated to our family’s adoption journey. I hope you’ll jump on board for the ride.
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by BooParry | Apr 23, 2012 | Key, Single
I’ve known that I wanted to address this topic at some point on my blog, but I wasn’t expecting to write this one so soon after launching the blog. Right now, a few of my close friends are meeting someone at a serious level, and I feel this sense of urgency to put all these thoughts into writing. I know that I’ve already expressed these to my friends at some point, but I tend to articulate my thoughts better in writing than in speech, so here goes. It may be a bit choppy, as for some reason I’m in a major state of hurry.
The More Important Question
The sense that this is the “one” did not come immediately for me when I met Allan. For him, he said he knew right away. For me, I came into the relationship with so many doubts and fears that didn’t have anything to do with him. I projected a lot of that onto him, which made me unsure about “us” many times, even after I said “yes” and entered our engagement stage. I remember at one point wondering, “Is this wedding ready going to happen? Things are so hard between us sometimes. Will we really make it to the altar?” Then the total confirmation came – believe it or not – right before the door opened for me to walk down the aisle. Now, I wasn’t planning on being a runaway bride or anything. I did have some wedding nerves, and I remember my bridesmaids praying and singing worship music with me right before we lined up behind the door. We also had some major prayer sessions (as a couple and with friends) the night before. Finally, as the door opened and I saw him standing at the altar, it was like God’s peace completely consumed me. All my nerves disappeared. I was totally relaxed and enjoyed every moment of our wedding. It’s been almost six years since that day, and I can honestly say that the question of “Is he really the one?” never returned after that moment.
Now, I’m not saying that’s how it will be for everyone (actually, I hope the total confirmation comes for you a lot sooner). Looking back though, at least for me, the total peace that “this is the one” came after and not before the relationship-building process. For me, the question “Is Allan the person I’m supposed to marry?” or “Are we going to make it?” did not get answered fully and completely until the altar. However, there was a much more important question that I did have the answer to, long before we reached the altar: Did I, and did we as a couple, seek God’s guidance and honor Him every step of the way? The answer to this question for us was undoubtedly “yes.”
The Three Essentials
You know that list you came up with when you were a teen – a long list of what you wanted in your future spouse? I must have made that list at least a few different times in my youth. Now that I’ve been married six years, and I believe that we have a solid, blessed-beyond-measure type of marriage, I’ve condensed that list into three main essentials:
He/she must love God with all of their heart, soul, and strength. Most of us know that this is non-negotiable, yet I think so many of us accept the other person at face value and do not take time to really put this one to the test. It’s about having the same values, morals, integrity, passions and visions. I also want to warn that it’s not about how much a person is doing for God or knows about God (serving, quoting the Bible, or having vast knowledge in theology), but does God really come first, even before you? How can you know this for sure? The most tangible way that I believe God provides for singles to prove this is in the area of purity. Let’s face it. That’s hard. Yet following God first in every area of our lives is not easy. “The one” is someone you are to do that with, for the rest of your life. There is one solid rule that God laid out in regards to this season of your relationship: protect sexual purity until marriage. For the ladies, I want you to ask this question: Is he taking the lead in protecting the sexual purity in your relationship? I promise you, God is not setting this rule to torture you. It’s a great opportunity to prove that God does indeed come first. When your man does this, it’s a Big tangible sign that he will lead your household in the same way when you’re married. Allan never gave me doubt in this area. He didn’t know everything about the Bible, and he had his faults, but I knew this for sure: he loved Jesus wholeheartedly, and he was not going to lead us to sin against God.
Please take my word on this: when you seek God’s way with all you’ve got (even when it’s hard), you will receive His FULL blessings…and there’s nothing sweeter.
He/she must be real, humble, and have a teachable spirit. The person you’re thinking of marrying doesn’t have to be perfect…nobody is. But does he/she show their real self? When you hit a bump on the road, do you always have to bend, or does he/she admit they were wrong and change their ways? Allan and I were able to be real with each other from Day 1 (that’s why we hit the bumps so early in our relationship). Whenever I brought up an issue, he may have been a bit defensive at first, but time and time again he showed that he took it to heart and did his part to create a better harmony. He was quick to admit where he was wrong and make necessary changes, as was I.
He/she must be someone you have FUN with…most if not all the time. This last one really completes the three-fold ingredient. You are going to be spending the rest of your life this with person. Fun and laughter are irreplaceable. I once almost dated this great guy. I had the utmost respect for him. When we spent time alone though, the atmosphere was kind of tight and it was a struggle to keep the conversation going. We laughed together at times, but I felt like I was forcing myself to have fun. With Allan, we can’t ever have too much fun. There are many days that he makes me laugh so hard that my stomach hurts and tears are rolling. He is by far my favorite person to spend time with. You want to find that kind of person, who you look forward to spending the rest of your life with.
Sorry to be long, but I’m so passionate about this. I’m tired of seeing marriages fail all around me. It doesn’t have to be like that. A lot of it has to do with choosing well and honoring God through the whole dating process (and beyond, in your marriage). One last note: I believe premarital counseling is also essential once you’re engaged. OK, that is all. Praying for all you singles out there. The one is worth the wait. The blessings far outweigh the struggles. Keep seeking and honoring God.
