by BooParry | Apr 18, 2013 | Parenting
The following is a journal entry from five years ago, when Peanut was almost 3-months-old. Wow, what a life-altering season that was. It was a season of smashing one sandcastle after another. Yet, looking back, I wouldn’t trade any moment of it. The challenges at the beginning taught me so much, and they were necessary components of molding me into the mother I am today.
This was written on March 25, 2008.
Lord, I can’t even begin to thank You for Your goodness. What a roller-coaster ride it has been since January 9th. I feel like I had one kind of life up to January 9th, and a whole different life started on that day. It truly did for my daughter Alisa. My daughter. I still can’t grasp that concept fully. I am a mother…what I dreamed of becoming for as long as I can remember.
I thank You, Lord, that I had a healthy pregnancy with no complications. Thank You even more for such a fast and uncomplicated delivery. But Lord, was I in for a surprise after Alisa arrived! I was concentrating so much on the pregnancy, and I guess I didn’t give much thought to what life will be like after she’s here. I expected myself to be in a state of unending bliss…because my dream was finally coming true.
The first month was the toughest. We had breastfeeding issues, my hormones were all over the place, I was extremely tired and sometimes cranky from lack of sleep, Alisa was fussy and crying all the time, and I was completely overwhelmed. There was SO much work involved, and I felt like there was not much reward…because the baby always seemed unhappy. My mind was constantly going in all different directions – wondering if I’m doing things right or what else I could be doing. I needed to get some rest, but whenever I had (rare) free time I always wanted to jump on the internet, read some materials, or call someone for advice. It was physically, mentally, and emotionally VERY exhausting. It was NOTHING like what I had imagined it would be.
One of the important lessons I learned during that first month was to relax…and to take it one day at a time. I didn’t have to do EVERYTHING right. One parenting mistake was not going to break or make her entire life. It helped to hear another mom say that babies are way more resilient than we think. I also learned the importance of not trying to tackle so many things at once, but to concentrate on one goal at a time. I really needed to concentrate on just the feeding goal at first…and not worry about other goals until later (i.e. napping schedule, awake time, etc.).
The second month was a little better, because the feeding issue was pretty much resolved. However, I still had a very fussy baby in my hands. All the visitors were gone, and when Allan was at work it was just her and me. Some days it seemed like all she would do was cry. I was surprised to find out how little “free time” I had staying home all day with her. I missed my social interactions. I was pretty much tied down to the house. I was improving physically and mentally (not stressing out as much about every detail of what I should do), but emotionally I was still exhausted from being with an unhappy baby all the time. It made me sad that I couldn’t make my baby happy.
Now we’re into the third month, and things are continuing to improve…a lot. I decided to be a little more intentional about establishing a good routine for her (especially her naps). We have good days and bad days. She does great with her feedings, and she’s definitely content longer during her awake time. We are seeing some smiles, and that’s always a good feeling…to see her happy and exploring life. She is doing great sleeping through the night (8 hrs!). The most important thing is that she’s healthy and on track with everything, as far as the doctors can tell.
Thank you, Lord, for carrying us through this far…and I know that You will continue to guide our every step. I really can’t thank You enough for this precious gift You have blessed us with. As I was watching one of the DVDs of a parenting curriculum, I received an important reminder. Before turning to the internet, a parenting book, or even a trusted friend for advice, I really need to seek You first for answers. You know her better than I ever will. She is a gift from You, and You have entrusted us to care for her…but ultimately she is first and foremost Your child, Your daughter. She belongs to You, not us. Please continue to watch over every stage of her development…and lead her in the path You have prepared for her. Thank you for this precious life; I don’t ever want to take it for granted. Help us to demonstrate Your love to her the best we can. We are constantly in need of Your help and Your guidance. And when we mess up, help us to learn from it and move on.
Thank You, thank You, thank You.
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by BooParry | Mar 27, 2013 | FaithJourney, Key, Single
The following is a journal entry from seven years ago, when Allan and I were engaged. To this day, our dating and engagement period has been the toughest season we have faced in our relationship by far. We were constantly faced with conflicts caused by fears, opposite personalities, and unrealistic expectations, as we learned to communicate and do life together.
This particular entry was written on March 18, 2006.
“Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.” Psalm 126:5-6
This is the passage You showed me last night. It has been a very tough battle/challenge these last few days.
I go through a great turmoil when reality doesn’t match my ideal. Relationship is hard. It’s hard to share my life with another imperfect person…and it’s even harder to realize how imperfect I am and have my imperfections be exposed to the other person. It’s hard to face conflicts or disappointments…and to learn how to communicate through them. When conflict happens on a regular basis, I get so exhausted.
I see how pleasant I am around other people (besides him). I realize how much I’ve enjoyed that…and I really miss it. Sometimes I’m hesitant to see him at night or answer his call because I’m afraid the worst part of me will come out again, just because things didn’t go exactly the way I wanted. This also clashes with my ideal that I shouldn’t feel this way about spending time with my fiancé. This whole challenge clashes with my ideal that I’m not supposed to be such a difficult person to deal with. The cycle just keeps getting worse.
It does, however, bring me back to my knees. I remember that You are always here to rescue me from this endless cycle of doubts, fears, and over-analyzing. I keep coming back to a place of faith. It’s my faith that’s being easily attacked, even intimidated, which is causing all this fear. I come back to the realization that I need more faith. More faith in God, who has never failed me, who promises to never leave me. More faith in Allan, who has stuck by my side so faithfully thus far…who has expressed so much love for God and for me. More faith in this relationship that has been given to us from God, where we can complement each other and glorify God more powerfully together than on our own. More faith in myself…who, after truly accepting God’s love, have always found my way back to Him. Who, with His help, have been able to endure any trial and challenge without giving up. Who have consistently sought His will and His guidance for me and my future family.
Last night and this morning, You brought me to a place of total surrender. I kept having crazy thoughts of what if the wedding has to be postponed or canceled…how would I face everyone. You reminded me that You’re the only One I ultimately answer to. I have given You full reign over my life. I need to be willing to leave everything in Your hands – the wedding, the marriage, everything. And I must be willing to give it up if You ask me to. It won’t make sense to me at all, but the command to sacrifice Isaac didn’t make sense to Abraham either. But through his faith and total surrender, Your glory was revealed…and You brought the sweetest victory for him. It will be the same for me. I will always choose You, Lord. Everything I have belongs to You. Where You call me to, I will go. What You want to take from me, it’s Yours. What You ask me to do, I’ll do. I long for this kind of heart always. May I always seek Your face.
I desire to hold the gifts You give me with open hands. I want my life to reveal Your glory and goodness. This morning, as I was on my knees, all I could let out with my voice was, “I surrender, I surrender, I surrender…everything to You.”
I do surrender all…it’s not I who live, but Christ living in me. May that be true to every part of my being. I will face every trial necessary, whatever it takes, for me to fulfill Your will and purpose.
My faith, my love, my undying devotion to my God. This is the legacy I desire to leave to my children and for a thousand generations to come. I want them to know that I sought after God with all of my heart…and that I always found Him.
You have brought me an amazing partner to share this journey with. We seek Your guidance, every step of the way.
As I read this and ponder back, I can see that from this place of surrender, God began an amazing work in and through our relationship, which is still unfolding today. As the verse at the beginning says, the seeds of our relationship were sown with tears, and now we are reaping the harvest with indescribable joy. When I give it all to God, He takes it and gives it back a hundred fold. My life is a living example of that…time and time again. I will testify to this truth until my dying breath: surrendering to Jesus always brings the sweetest victory. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s true. It’s true.
I have decided to follow Jesus;
No turning back, no turning back.
Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.
The world behind me, the cross before me;
No turning back, no turning back.
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.
Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
No turning back, no turning back.
-hymn attributed to S. Sundar Singh
by BooParry | Mar 18, 2013 | Parenting
I can’t believe I’m finally writing a post about my younger child…LittleBit.
I am so tired. Tired as in sleepy. This has NOT been a good week*. It has been another week of smashing my sandcastle. *Side note: I first began writing this post on March 6th.
One area that I was always proud of in our home was in the area of sleep. After 2-3 months of the newborn stage, both my children have always slept through the night. That is, until this past week.
I’m not naming names, but the only member of our household we refer to as a “he” decided that it was time to tackle LittleBit’s thumb sucking. We covered her thumb with liquid that was designed to produce a nasty taste. First night, she woke up once complaining that it tasted “yucky” and she needed water. She then didn’t seem to have problem with it for a few days. Around the same time, she seemed to have hit a challenging season (I’ve heard other parents call it the “terrible three’s”), where I began to see a change in her attitude and behavior. She began to throw ridiculous fits. Even though she’s mostly our easy-going child, she always had a dramatic streak to her when she got upset. Well, this past week, she took it to a whole new level. She may not have as strong of a will as her older sister, but she can throw a temper that’s even more expressive than her sister. I didn’t believe that was possible. Peanut kicked, screamed, banged on doors…but so far, she never took her anger out on stuff. LittleBit, within this past week, has smashed her sister’s piggy bank, yanked out the drawers from the dresser, and dumped out all the clothes out on the floor (twice). She basically found anything that she can damage or make noise with to express her anger.
Really? I have TWO aggressive, overly expressive kids? Of course, the first thought that came to mind was, What in the world am I doing wrong?
The biggest disappointment: she was supposed to be my “easy” child.
Smash.
There goes another sandcastle.
In midst of my agony and fatigue, I called my mentor mom. As always, she gave me a simple yet profound reminder. Even the easiest children need correction. Otherwise they wouldn’t ever have the opportunity to learn anything. I loved how she put it: “You don’t want a Stepford child.” The truth was, I did…or I thought I did. I realized I was only seeing it from my perspective; I was only concerned about my convenience. But these moments – as crazy as they were – gave LittleBit opportunities to learn and grow. I would much rather have her learn how to have self-control at age three than as a teenager.
A good friend of mine gave me another timely reminder. She said if we’re unwilling to sacrifice ourselves (of our time, our resources, our desires, etc.) in whatever area God has called us to, we are choosing to be selfish. God has called me to be a mother – not only to my strong-willed Peanut, but also to my easy-going (or maybe not so easy-going) LittleBit. I can choose to sacrifice some of my own comforts and desires to fulfill this calling, or I can choose to be selfish.
Funny thing is (and this is where I’m convinced God has a sense of humor), once I decided to not focus on my convenience and instead make the most out of this opportunity, her major fits subsided and she began to sleep through the night again.
So here’s what I learned: no matter how inconvenient the surprises/changes are that parenting brings, they provide opportunities of growth for my child…and for me.
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by BooParry | Feb 18, 2013 | FaithJourney
Only God can do the impossible. Only God could have parted the Red Sea. Only God can touch and change people’s hearts with His love.
My friend introduced me to a great online daily devotional by Nicky Gumbel. In today’s devotional, he talked about how Moses had a part to play (‘Raise your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea’, Exodus 14:16), but God had a much bigger and harder role to play (dividing the waters).
I, no doubt, have my part to play. God desires to use me for His purpose. I am called to be faithful in doing my part. Yet, there is always a part that only He can accomplish. He and His power alone.
I think this is such a necessary lesson for me to learn, especially as I prepare myself for the counseling field. Or even in just my everyday life, when I’m in midst of situations or relationships that I just want to “fix” and make it all better.
“Did I do enough?” “Did I say enough?” or sometimes, even “Did I pray enough?”
I need to remember – it is not my responsibility. Be faithful to do my part, yes, but beyond that is not my responsibility…and many times, it’s even beyond my possibility. But with God, all things are possible.
I feel like Job…standing in front of the God of the Universe. He’s asking me, “So…you think you can work this out better than I can, huh? Tell me…who made the stars and put them in its place?” Touché. Game over.
So once I’ve done my part, what do I do?
Wait…and keep praying. That can actually be harder than whatever it was that I was called to do. In one instance, when Moses was again called to raise his arms during a battle, his arms became tired, and Aaron had to help him (Exodus 17).
Waiting and being faithful in prayer can become so wearisome… If you’re like me, you’d much rather be doing something to get quicker results!
Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still, and know that I am God.”
I especially love the way New American Standard Bible says it, “Cease striving and know that I am God.”
God, I believe You are the God of this universe. I believe all things are possible with You. I believe that one touch of Your love can change people’s hearts forever. I believe that one revelation from You can change people’s minds. I believe Your goodness and faithfulness will be revealed, to all who call on Your name. I trust all my cares – all my concerns for my loved ones – at Your feet. I believe I will see Your victory. I believe that Your name will be glorified. Until then, when I’ve done what I was called to do, I will learn to be still and find peace in the truth that You are GOD. (Thankfully) I am not.
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by BooParry | Feb 7, 2013 | FaithJourney
I always try to write from my heart, a place where I’m real, but today…it’s going to be extra “raw.” I write from a place of pain. My heart aches excruciatingly. But deep inside, I know that it’s a “good pain.” I’m not an athlete, but I think those who are will be able to relate to this kind of pain.
Growing pains. Strengthening pains. And someday, I’ll be able to look back and call it “rewarding pains.”
It seems ironic that peace and pain can co-exist inside my heart…but this is not my first time.
The immediate example that comes to mind is the time I made the decision to leave California. If you had asked me if that was even a remote possibility one year before I made the decision, I would have told you, “No way. You’re crazy to even suggest that I’d ever leave California. This is my home. This is the home of people that I love. This is where most of my friends are.” Yet, in His small still voice, God told me that it was time to let go. As I type this and remember the experience, it still brings me to tears. It was by far one of the most difficult decisions I ever had to make. As painful as it was – and walking through that decision was even more painful – I had peace, deep in my heart, that it was the right decision.
I had to walk out in faith…that indeed God had spoken to me and that it was the best decision for my life. I was not able to know then what I know now. I had no idea what my life in Florida will look like in one year…in five years…in ten years. In fact, my 10th anniversary from the big move will be this coming August. I look back in awe. God, You are SO good, and SO faithful. I am in tears (again) for a different reason. I am overwhelmed by the thought of how much I would have missed out on, had I not followed God’s lead because it was going to be too painful for me. I look at my husband of almost seven years…I can’t imagine life without him by my side. I look at the faces of my two little girls…they wouldn’t have existed!
How joyful are those who fear the Lord—
all who follow his ways!
You will enjoy the fruit of your labor.
How joyful and prosperous you will be!
Your wife will be like a fruitful grapevine,
flourishing within your home.
Your children will be like vigorous young olive trees
as they sit around your table.
That is the Lord’s blessing
for those who fear him.
Psalm 128:1-4 NLT
Now, I find myself in another season of “growing pains.” Another season of “labor” as the psalmist puts it above. My heart aches and the tears won’t stop. But deep inside, I have peace.
It was a little over a month ago that I claimed this was going to be a year of being Truthful – to who God has made me, to what God has placed on my heart, and to what God has called me to do.
I’m glad He didn’t give me a preview of what just the first month of 2013 was going to look like. If He did, I would have undoubtedly chosen a different word. God has definitely provided me with ample opportunities to put myself to the test in this area. I’ve had to choose what’s right over what’s easy. I’ve had to choose to be truthful over being agreeable. I’ve had to speak the truth, in love and grace, even if doing so meant causing a rift, or a ripple, in my “perfect world.” It also has meant that I can no longer appear “perfect” in other people’s eyes. It has meant opening way to some criticism or disagreement. It has meant giving room to being misunderstood or misperceived. Again, it’s only been the first month, and I can’t believe in how many areas this word truthful had to apply…in friendships, with family, and in our adoption process.
These words have brought encouragement as I have been learning to walk out of my comfort zone:
Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.
-Ephesians 4:15
“Criticism is the cost of influence.” – Rick Warren
“If you do things God’s way, He will give you double for your trouble.” – Joyce Meyer
For the Lord God is our sun and our shield.
He gives us grace and glory.
The Lord will withhold no good thing
from those who do what is right.
O Lord of Heaven’s Armies,
what joy for those who trust in you.
-Psalm 84:11-12 NLT
I wouldn’t be lying if I said I’m a little scared of what the rest of the year holds for me. But I choose His way, over and over again. I choose to trust Him. I believe, with all my heart, that in ten years (or even less), I will look back on this season and say to myself, “Wow, look at all that I would have missed out on…had I not followed God’s lead because it was going to be too painful for me.” I believe that I will look back and see how much I was able to grow in Christ, how much God had increased His sphere of influence through my life, and how much good I was able to receive…all because I chose to answer His call to be truthful.
No, O people, the Lord has told you what is good,
and this is what he requires of you:
to do what is right, to love mercy,
and to walk humbly with your God.
-Micah 6:8 NLT
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