Heated Discussion

by | Oct 24, 2012 | Marriage

Sometimes I wonder if people think I’m sharing too much of my business on Facebook (or on this blog). It’s just that I have a big passion for “Keeping it real,” and I feel that there’s not enough of that going on, especially within the Christian community (read more on my intro here about that).

Anyway, I wanted to share details of the “heated discussion” emails that were exchanged between my husband and me.

Background: My husband is very overprotective of our family (as he should be). Sometimes, in areas where he’s more passionate, my attitude is more of “que sera sera” (whatever will be, will be). Financial investment is one of those areas. Another area is being prepared for unforeseen attacks. I know that he’s right and I should put more priority on those things, but I seem to catch up to him at a snail’s pace. A recent incident in the news has raised the priority level of protecting our family to the highest in his mind. From my perspective, I assumed that he was starting to get too anxious from the recent news. The following was the email exchange that took place.

Hubby
Part of the statement is this: “Whitney was a very loving person,” he added. “She was warm, she was kind, she was everything you would want in a friend, relative, spiritual fellow worshiper.”
Found her body in the woods.
NEWS ARTICLE (click to read)
We need to look into ways to protect you and the girls.  Mace in the car between the seats and reachable in your purse.  It might be worth looking into some self defense classes we can do as a family. Give you the confidence and knowledge to grab your keys and stab them in the eyes or kick to the grind….anything.
I do NOT want to end up like this husband……..

Me (this is where I tried to express that I agree with him, but I also tried to be the “wise voice” in his head and remind him that we should keep the right perspective and not get too anxious).
Wow, that is sad. Sure, we can definitely look into self defense classes.
Let the Ninja in me come out!
This is an awful thing to happen to anybody, and I certainly agree that we should be prepared to make sure it doesn’t happen to us. I do want to have it in writing though, that if something tragic ever did happen to me, I have absolutely no regrets – I have the best life a girl can ask for – best (sexiest) husband, delightful (although crazy) daughters, and every day is truly a treasure to me that I feel I don’t fully deserve. To top that off, when I die, I get to meet JESUS face to face!! I will be even Happier than I am now, which is so hard to fathom.
It’s the souls of people like this guy (killer) that we need to pray for.  I can’t imagine living my life without the hope we have from God!

This was truly how I felt, and I thought I was “doing good” by expressing them to him, keeping our focus on God.

Hubby
I agree but I also believe that God puts things in our path, such as this tragedy, as a wake up call that bad things happen and we should be prepared.  I know you laugh at me when I talk about the Mace, but I’m not ready to lose you or the squirts.  The world is a messy place and I just want us to be better prepared.  Self defense isn’t just lolli gagging through life knowing God has your back but actually taking the time to step up and learn things to protect yourself.  If a moment arises, like it did for this poor girl, I want myself and our kids to know that you’ll know what to do and they’ll learn what to do, not just look to the sky and say OK take me home.  God gives free will, free will allows Satan to enter and if any of those meat heads come in your direction, I want full on Lucy Liu ninja throw down so they’ll learn not to mess with Boo!  OK, so maybe not full on Tae classes, but simple stuff like the key thing or pressure points, Kubaton key chain training or mace…..etc.

Oh, this INFURIATED me. I felt that I was not heard properly, and I felt he was putting words into my mouth (which is my biggest pet peeve). In truth (looking back), he didn’t hear from me exactly what he wanted to hear, and I didn’t hear back from him exactly what I wanted to hear back. I remember hearing myself pounding on the keyboard as I typed these words in anger:

Me
I was not disagreeing with you at all, and I’m not laughing at the idea of self-defense.
That was TRULY not my intention of writing what I did.
I wholeheartedly AGREE with you on everything you’re saying.
I just had to write that, to make sure if anything UNexpected DID happen (because we can’t be prepared for EVERYthing), that YOU KNOW (and have in writing) that I have no regrets. As hard as it will be for the people left behind, I will be happier and in a better place.
That was my only intention.

I kind of felt bad about how I responded in anger, but still not to the point of being truly sorry, so I added another response right behind it (notice some sarcasm hidden in there):

I’m sorry, I just got upset for a sec. I agree that I have not been taking things as seriously as I should about self-defense, but I feel like sometimes you “label” me that way and you won’t believe me when I truly tell you that I agree with you.
I’m “labeled” as the one who laughs at the idea of self-defense.
I am NOT going to just stand by and let myself or my children get hurt. You know me better than that, I hope. Sign me up for a class next week if you don’t believe me.
I understand the sense of urgency you feel. I just felt like I need to speak out that piece about my eternal hope being in God, no matter what happens. I sensed that this whole incident was starting to consume you with anxiety, which I don’t think is the state God wants us to be in either.
I understand the urgency. I agree we should take full measures to protect ourselves. I agree. Honestly, I do.

Hubby
lol….I’m not in a state of anxiety or labeling anything.  Sorry you feel that way; just trying to be proactive.  I’d rather be one that says I had seen the sign God was providing and acted on it rather than sure wish I had noticed that sign before.

I’m starting to come down from the height of my anger at this point. I still wasn’t convinced that we have fully reconnected. This was where I truly spoke (typed) from my heart (minus the anger).

Me
And that’s exactly what I was trying to say in my first response: Yes, let’s act on it!
Then, I received a response with words being put in my mouth (which always triggers my button), “I know you laugh at me when I talk about the Mace…”
“not just look to the sky and say OK take me home…”
I’m sorry I overreacted.

Hubby
Sorry for being sarcastic.  I guess I’m a little over reactive because I love my Boo and girls:)  I’ll look into what’s out there for basic self defense stuff not full on karate….yet that’ll be for when the girls start dating:)

This was when the whole wall broke down, and we went back to our usual sweet bantering and flirting.

This was what I posted as my Facebook status immediately after:
Keepin’ It Real: hubby and I got in a rare “heated” discussion via email just now. Two imperfect people doing life together can look messy at times, but I’m so thankful that at the end of it, we can always come to a greater appreciation and understanding of each other (and greater awareness of what we can improve on). We certainly couldn’t do this right without God’s love & wisdom guiding us through, every step of the way. Allan: I love you. Thank you for loving your Boo, no matter which Boo you happen to get that day (happy Boo, angry Boo, moody Boo:).

His response to the FB post:
lol……you forgot Naughty Boo;) Love you too, couldn’t imagine doing life without you….hence part of the reason for the somewhat heated discussion on self defense classes, we’re both on the same page just didn’t communicate it right:)

Not sure what the “moral” of this blog post was – I mainly wanted to be authentic about how we’re still learning about better ways to communicate with one another, how to not respond in anger, etc., etc… I think it always boils down to humility. True humility breaks down walls. Anger and selfish pride (I want MY voice to be heard above all, and I want the other person to agree with me completely, which was the kind of attitude we both were guilty of above) will only create bigger walls. Humility and forgiveness always break down the walls.


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Marriage and Anger

Marriage and Anger

by | May 15, 2012 | Key, Marriage

I was a little irritated with my husband today. Actually, I was very irritated as I walked out the door to have my “alone time” at Starbucks to work on my blog.

It all seems silly now, but it turned out to be a good reminder of how I should handle my anger, especially when it’s directed at my spouse.

It all went down like this.

I was working part-time through last December, and right around the time I decided to quit my job, I read a book written by one of our pastors Kerri Weems called Clueless 10 Things I Wish I Knew About Motherhood Before Becoming a Mom. In this book, she talked about the importance of moms having “alone time” set aside regularly, away from children and household duties, where she can spend her time in a way that rejuvenated her. For me, it’s blogging and exploring my “artistic side,” currently through photography. I shared this idea with my husband, and of course, being the super supportive husband that he is, he had no problem with making this “alone time” happen for me once a week.

We decided this would happen on Monday afternoons. During this time, I escape to the library or Starbucks and work on whatever I want (usually my blog). However, it was not able to happen these last few weeks due to various reasons. I was really looking forward to resuming my weekly “alone time” today. Well, Mondays are Allan’s “day off” (technically) from his main job, but he’s a man who wears many hats and he’s usually busy for the first half of the day running errands for our home business. Things ran later than expected with the errands, and he came home later than I had expected. He also mentioned that he needed me to pick up some packaging tape while I was out.

Here was the cause of my irritation: I felt that my precious, sacred “alone time” that I was entitled to was not treated with much priority.  What’s worse, it was going to be cut even shorter by an errand I had to run for him. I found myself in a bit of a steamy mood, and frankly, I didn’t even want to kiss him as I walked out the door (but I quickly gathered enough calmness to give him a quick peck).

Here’s what I did with all that steam.

1. Take myself out of the situation. When I’m in middle of a situation that’s making me mad, my emotions take over and it’s very hard to think logically. I walked out of the house as quickly as possible.

2. Pray and seek wisdom. Even after taking myself out of the situation, I still can’t think logically and wisely on my own. I need an objective standard that will keep my thoughts and emotions in line. God’s wisdom is perfect, mine is not.

3. Evaluate my own mood/heart.  First of all, whenever I’m this quick to get irritated, it usually means I’m approaching that unfavorable time of the month. I know that my mood had a lot to do with it, since I’ve also been irritable with my children in the last day or so. I also examined my heart. Does my anger come from a selfish place in my heart? If I was to be honest, yes, it did. I did not care about anything else that was going on. I felt entitled to have my alone time, and I wished he had not interfered with that priority. In marriage, I think it’s always dangerous to be at a place where I feel “entitled” to something, instead of being “thankful.” I had forgotten to be thankful for the privilege of having this “alone time” in the first place.

4. Evaluate the intent of my spouse. Was he trying to interfere on purpose? Absolutely not. I’ve come to learn that with guys, there’s usually no hidden agenda. He became consumed with his tasks, and he came home as soon as he was able to. He noticed that he needed some tape, so he asked me to get them. In his mind, there was nothing more that took place.

5. Examine the situation objectively. This is a place where I wish I arrived at more quickly, but it usually takes me a little bit of time. Here are some questions that I ask myself.
-Was this an intentional offense? No.
-Is this something that’s habitual or a unique incident? Unique.
-If it does become habitual or it keeps bothering me, is it something I can talk to him about? Yes, he’s always open to what I have to say, and I’m confident that we’ll reach a compromising agreement as usual.
-Are there other factors that I’m not seeing or considering? Yes. My selfish anger was keeping me from being thankful for all that he does. He works hard for our family so I can stay home. He allows me to have this weekly alone time, not to mention all the trips and events he’s allowed me to participate in, while he stayed home with the girls. And honestly, how long was it going to take for me to pick up some tape?
-Do I have a good man? At the end of it all, I always try to come back to this question. And the answer, without a doubt, is YES!!

Now after processing all this, I have quickly transformed from someone who barely wanted to kiss him into someone who can’t wait to go home and give him a big smooch.  I know…women, right?

I do believe it’s important to process my anger (and talk about it to my spouse when necessary), because it has a way of building itself up into a monster if I choose to suppress and ignore it.

So how do I decide if it’s something that I need to talk to him about, versus something to just process and let go? I will be addressing that in my future post. Stay tuned!

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