by BooParry | Apr 29, 2013 | FaithJourney, Key, Marriage
We all enter marriage with an optimistic view. We enter with some sort of a sandcastle-type image of what our marriage will look like. In our vows, we exchange words such as “my best friend,” “my life’s companion,” “my true love,” and “together forever.” When we’re standing at the altar, not many of us think of the hard times we may face in our marriage. No, we’re dreaming of all the good times. We’re picturing eternal bliss. That’s why, at the altar, it’s easy to vow the words “until death do us part.”
After the wedding comes the honeymoon. But shortly after the honeymoon…life happens. You both thought you were so great at meeting each other’s needs and desires. Then, one day, you have a really bad day…and you’re waiting for your spouse to help you feel better. Little did you know, he also had a really bad day (maybe worse than yours), and he’s anxiously waiting for you to help him feel better. When you see each other, you both quickly discover that your expectations are not being met. You’re disappointed. Disappointment turns into self-pity; self-pity turns into resentment. Before long, you’re thinking to yourself: This is not how I thought it was going to look like.
Jesus knew exactly what it was going to look like, when He decided to enter into a love relationship with humanity. He knew we’d have many bad days. He knew we’d betray Him. He knew we’d reject Him. He knew we’d disappoint Him. But He came anyway. He served anyway. He loved anyway. He gave His all for us anyway. The Bible compares earthly marriage covenant to the divine covenant between Christ and the church. There’s nothing He didn’t give. He completely set Himself aside for the sake of those He loved. His love was characterized by humility.
The longer I’m married, the more I’m convinced of this truth. Most of us have a wrong idea about the goal of marriage. The primary goal of marriage is not happiness. The primary goal of marriage is that we learn to love like Jesus. Marriage provides a great opportunity for us to grow in this area. I experience this opportunity daily. It’s hard, extremely hard, to put my needs and desires aside. Trust me, I know how hard it is; I grew up as an only child! Let’s think about this again. After I have a bad day with the kids, I anxiously wait for Allan to come home, hoping (actually pretty much expecting) he will take over. He’s late. I’m irritated. He finally comes home. Not only is he late, he’s irritated over something that happened at work. Wait a minute! What gives him the right? It’s my turn! Who, in their natural state of mind, can at that moment set aside their own frustrations and instead focus on meeting the needs of their spouse? Yet what better opportunity can there be to practice what Jesus did for us? I know I can’t, not with my own strength. I not only need Christ’s example to follow, I need His power and grace daily to love like He did.
I have not conquered this skill…not even in the least. But I am committed to growing. I’m committed because Christ made the same commitment to me. “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). Thankfully, I’m married to a man who is also committed to this goal. He’s actually way better at expressing unselfish love than I am. We both still have so much more room to grow. Yet what we’re discovering is this: when we focus on the primary goal God has for marriage (learning to love like Christ), then the other goal we had for ourselves (happiness) comes as a natural by-product. No, everyday is not perfect…but for the most part, we are sincerely happy and we enjoy our marriage immensely.
Of course, I’m not referring at all to being a doormat or tolerating abuse/infidelity from your spouse. I’m simply referring to everyday opportunities that come in marriage, when we can either act out of selfishness or choose to place the other person before us. This can easily apply to other relationships as well. Marriage, in my opinion, gives us the most amount of opportunity. And it’s a lifelong opportunity. When we keep this goal in mind, with God as our help, we can vow the words “until death do us part” and never break the promise.
May we grow to love with a love like His…
Don’t act out of selfish ambition or be conceited. Instead, humbly think of others as being better than yourselves. Don’t be concerned only about your own interests, but also be concerned about the interests of others. Have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.
Although he was in the form of God and equal with God,
he did not take advantage of this equality.
Instead, he emptied himself by taking on the form of a servant,
by becoming like other humans,
by having a human appearance.
He humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death,
death on a cross.
Philippians 2:3-8
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by BooParry | Nov 19, 2012 | FaithJourney, Parenting
Let’s face it…as women, we compare. All the time.
We compare ourselves to other women in areas that matters to us the most. For some of us, it may be looks or career. For me, it’s marriage and parenting. Even when I have it so good most of the time (such as in my marriage), I often find myself comparing…Is our marriage as good as theirs? When I actually type these thoughts out, they sound absolutely ridiculous (not to mention embarrassing). But they cross my mind more often than I care to admit.
I’m willing to bet money that I’m not the only one (remember, this blog is all about being real). That’s why this post is addressed to all of my categories: single, marriage, parenting, and adoption.
Single: Am I as successful in my career as the woman next to me? How is my dating life compared to theirs?
Marriage: Does our marriage appear as great as theirs? Do we have a better house/car/etc.?
Parenting : Is my child better behaved than theirs? Does my child have more accomplishments in academics, sports, etc.?
Adoption: We’ve been in this process longer, and my friends are getting their child before us. How is my child adjusting compared to other adopted children?
We thought it would end after high school. But it doesn’t. When I had my first baby, I found out that in some ways, it gets worse. Natural birth or epidural. Breast milk or formula. How long will it take for my child to sleep through the night compared to theirs? Buy or make baby food? Potty-training, swimming, reading, etc., etc. It never ends.
Probably the most humbling experience for me in this area has been my adventure of raising Peanut. I know, I talk about her all the time. Honestly, I feel like so much of my life’s lessons, callings, challenges, and blessings are all wrapped inside that little body of hers. Before she was born, I was sure that I would be a good mother. I was confident. I would look at out-of-control kids at the mall and would think to myself, “When I become a mother, my children will never behave like that.” I come from a culture where good manners and behaviors are valued above all else. There’s a lot of shame associated with those who would not fit into the “well-behaved box.” In this type of culture, I excelled as a child. I was like Apostle Paul, who said he was like “a Hebrew of Hebrews”; I added zero shame to my Japanese heritage.
Then came my Peanut. To her, lines were meant to be crossed, and authorities were meant to be challenged. If I tried to put her inside a box, she was determined to get out. To this day, even if she’s not being blatantly defiant, she is plain…weird (I mean, “unique”). The other day, we were in the garage, getting out of our minivan. I was helping LittleBit out of her car seat. I looked over at Peanut who was standing by the door, and she was licking the doorknob, just for her own amusement. There are so many moments like this with her that simply makes me wonder, “Why?”
She is different. She is not easy to raise. These two truths have been so hard for me to swallow. I crave normalcy, easy, fitting in, etc. If I do stand out, I want to stand out for excellence. Peanut just stands out. Period. She has so much energy, so much to say, so much to explore…and so much she desires to control. I don’t know any other child like her.
Next came my second child, LittleBit. Now, she’s no low maintenance either when she reaches her limit and blows up. However, those moments do not characterize her overall personality. For the most part, she’s easy-going. She actually loves to please others. She is very affectionate. She does not respond to everything with a challenge. She makes me realize, “Wow, so this is what other moms are talking about, when they say how blissful early motherhood is.” Okay, don’t get me wrong; it’s not that I never had blissful moments with Peanut. Of course I did. They were just overshadowed by the many challenges I faced. So when this second child who fit more into my ideal came, guess what happened. I actually became more jealous of other moms who had “easy” children like LittleBit. I thought to myself, “So this is how easy some moms have it.” There you have it – another raw, embarrassing revelation of my inner thoughts.
For some of you, it may be your marriage. It may be finances. It may be that you’re single and have been waiting for so long, and all your friends seems to be on their third child. We all have one or two areas where we face challenges others don’t seem to face. We compare. We desire for our challenges to be lifted (for me, I’m constantly tempted to wish: When is she going to get easier?).
Then I remember. As God’s beloved child, every season of my life has a purpose, whether it be easy or difficult. I am amazed by God’s infinite wisdom. What better child to place into my hands than one who will break me free of my perfectionist ideals, who will humble me in my area of pride, and who will help me grow as a person more than I ever did? I can’t think of a more perfect match than Peanut and I. She needs more of my guidance and structure; I need more of her carefree spirit and sense of humor. She’s learning to see more of life through my eyes, and I’m learning to see it through hers. Raising her has been such a humbling, growing, rewarding, incredible journey for me….and this is only the beginning. As I look back on the last five years, I am in awe. I am so honored that God trusted me enough to place her under my care. I believe with all of my heart that her life is meant to stand out…for God. I was given the front-row seat to watch it unfold. Her leadership instincts, her intelligence, her perseverance, her strength, her caring heart….in all these and more, I see glimpses of so much potential. She is, without a doubt, one special little girl.
If I focus on other people’s lawns, I will miss out on all of this. But if I water my own diligently, I will see my greatest challenges transformed into my greatest treasures.
I wholeheartedly agree with whoever came up with this phrase: “Grass is greener where you water it.”
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
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by BooParry | Oct 24, 2012 | Marriage
Sometimes I wonder if people think I’m sharing too much of my business on Facebook (or on this blog). It’s just that I have a big passion for “Keeping it real,” and I feel that there’s not enough of that going on, especially within the Christian community (read more on my intro here about that).
Anyway, I wanted to share details of the “heated discussion” emails that were exchanged between my husband and me.
Background: My husband is very overprotective of our family (as he should be). Sometimes, in areas where he’s more passionate, my attitude is more of “que sera sera” (whatever will be, will be). Financial investment is one of those areas. Another area is being prepared for unforeseen attacks. I know that he’s right and I should put more priority on those things, but I seem to catch up to him at a snail’s pace. A recent incident in the news has raised the priority level of protecting our family to the highest in his mind. From my perspective, I assumed that he was starting to get too anxious from the recent news. The following was the email exchange that took place.
Hubby
Part of the statement is this: “Whitney was a very loving person,” he added. “She was warm, she was kind, she was everything you would want in a friend, relative, spiritual fellow worshiper.”
Found her body in the woods.
NEWS ARTICLE (click to read)
We need to look into ways to protect you and the girls. Mace in the car between the seats and reachable in your purse. It might be worth looking into some self defense classes we can do as a family. Give you the confidence and knowledge to grab your keys and stab them in the eyes or kick to the grind….anything.
I do NOT want to end up like this husband……..
Me (this is where I tried to express that I agree with him, but I also tried to be the “wise voice” in his head and remind him that we should keep the right perspective and not get too anxious).
Wow, that is sad. Sure, we can definitely look into self defense classes.
Let the Ninja in me come out!
This is an awful thing to happen to anybody, and I certainly agree that we should be prepared to make sure it doesn’t happen to us. I do want to have it in writing though, that if something tragic ever did happen to me, I have absolutely no regrets – I have the best life a girl can ask for – best (sexiest) husband, delightful (although crazy) daughters, and every day is truly a treasure to me that I feel I don’t fully deserve. To top that off, when I die, I get to meet JESUS face to face!! I will be even Happier than I am now, which is so hard to fathom.
It’s the souls of people like this guy (killer) that we need to pray for. I can’t imagine living my life without the hope we have from God!
This was truly how I felt, and I thought I was “doing good” by expressing them to him, keeping our focus on God.
Hubby
I agree but I also believe that God puts things in our path, such as this tragedy, as a wake up call that bad things happen and we should be prepared. I know you laugh at me when I talk about the Mace, but I’m not ready to lose you or the squirts. The world is a messy place and I just want us to be better prepared. Self defense isn’t just lolli gagging through life knowing God has your back but actually taking the time to step up and learn things to protect yourself. If a moment arises, like it did for this poor girl, I want myself and our kids to know that you’ll know what to do and they’ll learn what to do, not just look to the sky and say OK take me home. God gives free will, free will allows Satan to enter and if any of those meat heads come in your direction, I want full on Lucy Liu ninja throw down so they’ll learn not to mess with Boo! OK, so maybe not full on Tae classes, but simple stuff like the key thing or pressure points, Kubaton key chain training or mace…..etc.
Oh, this INFURIATED me. I felt that I was not heard properly, and I felt he was putting words into my mouth (which is my biggest pet peeve). In truth (looking back), he didn’t hear from me exactly what he wanted to hear, and I didn’t hear back from him exactly what I wanted to hear back. I remember hearing myself pounding on the keyboard as I typed these words in anger:
Me
I was not disagreeing with you at all, and I’m not laughing at the idea of self-defense.
That was TRULY not my intention of writing what I did.
I wholeheartedly AGREE with you on everything you’re saying.
I just had to write that, to make sure if anything UNexpected DID happen (because we can’t be prepared for EVERYthing), that YOU KNOW (and have in writing) that I have no regrets. As hard as it will be for the people left behind, I will be happier and in a better place.
That was my only intention.
I kind of felt bad about how I responded in anger, but still not to the point of being truly sorry, so I added another response right behind it (notice some sarcasm hidden in there):
I’m sorry, I just got upset for a sec. I agree that I have not been taking things as seriously as I should about self-defense, but I feel like sometimes you “label” me that way and you won’t believe me when I truly tell you that I agree with you.
I’m “labeled” as the one who laughs at the idea of self-defense.
I am NOT going to just stand by and let myself or my children get hurt. You know me better than that, I hope. Sign me up for a class next week if you don’t believe me.
I understand the sense of urgency you feel. I just felt like I need to speak out that piece about my eternal hope being in God, no matter what happens. I sensed that this whole incident was starting to consume you with anxiety, which I don’t think is the state God wants us to be in either.
I understand the urgency. I agree we should take full measures to protect ourselves. I agree. Honestly, I do.
Hubby
lol….I’m not in a state of anxiety or labeling anything. Sorry you feel that way; just trying to be proactive. I’d rather be one that says I had seen the sign God was providing and acted on it rather than sure wish I had noticed that sign before.
I’m starting to come down from the height of my anger at this point. I still wasn’t convinced that we have fully reconnected. This was where I truly spoke (typed) from my heart (minus the anger).
Me
And that’s exactly what I was trying to say in my first response: Yes, let’s act on it!
Then, I received a response with words being put in my mouth (which always triggers my button), “I know you laugh at me when I talk about the Mace…”
“not just look to the sky and say OK take me home…”
I’m sorry I overreacted.
Hubby
Sorry for being sarcastic. I guess I’m a little over reactive because I love my Boo and girls:) I’ll look into what’s out there for basic self defense stuff not full on karate….yet that’ll be for when the girls start dating:)
This was when the whole wall broke down, and we went back to our usual sweet bantering and flirting.
This was what I posted as my Facebook status immediately after:
Keepin’ It Real: hubby and I got in a rare “heated” discussion via email just now. Two imperfect people doing life together can look messy at times, but I’m so thankful that at the end of it, we can always come to a greater appreciation and understanding of each other (and greater awareness of what we can improve on). We certainly couldn’t do this right without God’s love & wisdom guiding us through, every step of the way. Allan: I love you. Thank you for loving your Boo, no matter which Boo you happen to get that day (happy Boo, angry Boo, moody Boo:).
His response to the FB post:
lol……you forgot Naughty Boo;) Love you too, couldn’t imagine doing life without you….hence part of the reason for the somewhat heated discussion on self defense classes, we’re both on the same page just didn’t communicate it right:)
Not sure what the “moral” of this blog post was – I mainly wanted to be authentic about how we’re still learning about better ways to communicate with one another, how to not respond in anger, etc., etc… I think it always boils down to humility. True humility breaks down walls. Anger and selfish pride (I want MY voice to be heard above all, and I want the other person to agree with me completely, which was the kind of attitude we both were guilty of above) will only create bigger walls. Humility and forgiveness always break down the walls.
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