by BooParry | Apr 18, 2013 | Parenting
The following is a journal entry from five years ago, when Peanut was almost 3-months-old. Wow, what a life-altering season that was. It was a season of smashing one sandcastle after another. Yet, looking back, I wouldn’t trade any moment of it. The challenges at the beginning taught me so much, and they were necessary components of molding me into the mother I am today.
This was written on March 25, 2008.
Lord, I can’t even begin to thank You for Your goodness. What a roller-coaster ride it has been since January 9th. I feel like I had one kind of life up to January 9th, and a whole different life started on that day. It truly did for my daughter Alisa. My daughter. I still can’t grasp that concept fully. I am a mother…what I dreamed of becoming for as long as I can remember.
I thank You, Lord, that I had a healthy pregnancy with no complications. Thank You even more for such a fast and uncomplicated delivery. But Lord, was I in for a surprise after Alisa arrived! I was concentrating so much on the pregnancy, and I guess I didn’t give much thought to what life will be like after she’s here. I expected myself to be in a state of unending bliss…because my dream was finally coming true.
The first month was the toughest. We had breastfeeding issues, my hormones were all over the place, I was extremely tired and sometimes cranky from lack of sleep, Alisa was fussy and crying all the time, and I was completely overwhelmed. There was SO much work involved, and I felt like there was not much reward…because the baby always seemed unhappy. My mind was constantly going in all different directions – wondering if I’m doing things right or what else I could be doing. I needed to get some rest, but whenever I had (rare) free time I always wanted to jump on the internet, read some materials, or call someone for advice. It was physically, mentally, and emotionally VERY exhausting. It was NOTHING like what I had imagined it would be.
One of the important lessons I learned during that first month was to relax…and to take it one day at a time. I didn’t have to do EVERYTHING right. One parenting mistake was not going to break or make her entire life. It helped to hear another mom say that babies are way more resilient than we think. I also learned the importance of not trying to tackle so many things at once, but to concentrate on one goal at a time. I really needed to concentrate on just the feeding goal at first…and not worry about other goals until later (i.e. napping schedule, awake time, etc.).
The second month was a little better, because the feeding issue was pretty much resolved. However, I still had a very fussy baby in my hands. All the visitors were gone, and when Allan was at work it was just her and me. Some days it seemed like all she would do was cry. I was surprised to find out how little “free time” I had staying home all day with her. I missed my social interactions. I was pretty much tied down to the house. I was improving physically and mentally (not stressing out as much about every detail of what I should do), but emotionally I was still exhausted from being with an unhappy baby all the time. It made me sad that I couldn’t make my baby happy.
Now we’re into the third month, and things are continuing to improve…a lot. I decided to be a little more intentional about establishing a good routine for her (especially her naps). We have good days and bad days. She does great with her feedings, and she’s definitely content longer during her awake time. We are seeing some smiles, and that’s always a good feeling…to see her happy and exploring life. She is doing great sleeping through the night (8 hrs!). The most important thing is that she’s healthy and on track with everything, as far as the doctors can tell.
Thank you, Lord, for carrying us through this far…and I know that You will continue to guide our every step. I really can’t thank You enough for this precious gift You have blessed us with. As I was watching one of the DVDs of a parenting curriculum, I received an important reminder. Before turning to the internet, a parenting book, or even a trusted friend for advice, I really need to seek You first for answers. You know her better than I ever will. She is a gift from You, and You have entrusted us to care for her…but ultimately she is first and foremost Your child, Your daughter. She belongs to You, not us. Please continue to watch over every stage of her development…and lead her in the path You have prepared for her. Thank you for this precious life; I don’t ever want to take it for granted. Help us to demonstrate Your love to her the best we can. We are constantly in need of Your help and Your guidance. And when we mess up, help us to learn from it and move on.
Thank You, thank You, thank You.
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by BooParry | Mar 18, 2013 | Parenting
I can’t believe I’m finally writing a post about my younger child…LittleBit.
I am so tired. Tired as in sleepy. This has NOT been a good week*. It has been another week of smashing my sandcastle. *Side note: I first began writing this post on March 6th.
One area that I was always proud of in our home was in the area of sleep. After 2-3 months of the newborn stage, both my children have always slept through the night. That is, until this past week.
I’m not naming names, but the only member of our household we refer to as a “he” decided that it was time to tackle LittleBit’s thumb sucking. We covered her thumb with liquid that was designed to produce a nasty taste. First night, she woke up once complaining that it tasted “yucky” and she needed water. She then didn’t seem to have problem with it for a few days. Around the same time, she seemed to have hit a challenging season (I’ve heard other parents call it the “terrible three’s”), where I began to see a change in her attitude and behavior. She began to throw ridiculous fits. Even though she’s mostly our easy-going child, she always had a dramatic streak to her when she got upset. Well, this past week, she took it to a whole new level. She may not have as strong of a will as her older sister, but she can throw a temper that’s even more expressive than her sister. I didn’t believe that was possible. Peanut kicked, screamed, banged on doors…but so far, she never took her anger out on stuff. LittleBit, within this past week, has smashed her sister’s piggy bank, yanked out the drawers from the dresser, and dumped out all the clothes out on the floor (twice). She basically found anything that she can damage or make noise with to express her anger.
Really? I have TWO aggressive, overly expressive kids? Of course, the first thought that came to mind was, What in the world am I doing wrong?
The biggest disappointment: she was supposed to be my “easy” child.
Smash.
There goes another sandcastle.
In midst of my agony and fatigue, I called my mentor mom. As always, she gave me a simple yet profound reminder. Even the easiest children need correction. Otherwise they wouldn’t ever have the opportunity to learn anything. I loved how she put it: “You don’t want a Stepford child.” The truth was, I did…or I thought I did. I realized I was only seeing it from my perspective; I was only concerned about my convenience. But these moments – as crazy as they were – gave LittleBit opportunities to learn and grow. I would much rather have her learn how to have self-control at age three than as a teenager.
A good friend of mine gave me another timely reminder. She said if we’re unwilling to sacrifice ourselves (of our time, our resources, our desires, etc.) in whatever area God has called us to, we are choosing to be selfish. God has called me to be a mother – not only to my strong-willed Peanut, but also to my easy-going (or maybe not so easy-going) LittleBit. I can choose to sacrifice some of my own comforts and desires to fulfill this calling, or I can choose to be selfish.
Funny thing is (and this is where I’m convinced God has a sense of humor), once I decided to not focus on my convenience and instead make the most out of this opportunity, her major fits subsided and she began to sleep through the night again.
So here’s what I learned: no matter how inconvenient the surprises/changes are that parenting brings, they provide opportunities of growth for my child…and for me.
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by BooParry | Jan 8, 2013 | Parenting
My One and Only Peanut,
Did five years really pass by already? What an adventure you and I have had. You let me know, from Day 1, that being your mother was going to be nothing like I had imagined for myself all these years. What’s more, you and I are like two very opposite notes trying hard to create a melody together. At first, it seemed like a very hopeless match. We both wanted to play the notes our way. You were very unwilling to follow my lead. I had to learn that I cannot force you to play the notes exactly the way I want. Yet one of us had to lead, and you have come so far in learning how to follow, so that you may one day lead. We’re starting to see…that you and I are actually a perfect match. We are learning the unique beauty of the notes each other has to offer. Together, we are creating a harmony that we could not have produced on our own. God is molding both of us through this journey that we share. I need you in order to become a better person, just as much as you need me.
Alisa Faith, you are one extraordinary girl. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you will impact the world for God. You have what it takes to be a powerful leader. I can see it in your eyes. I can sense it from your determination. I can feel it from your heart. You are incredibly smart, with such attention to details, and you have a natural appetite to lead. You truly have a caring heart, and you love to defend the defenseless. You desire justice and excellence in everything that you put your mind into. I look forward to having a front-row seat as I watch all of God’s plans unfold for your life.
Always remember, my little girl, that you have been given these gifts and qualities for a higher calling. They are not for your own honor and fame. You were created to shine God’s beauty – and you are beautiful, inside and out. This world will make you choose…and when it does, choose Jesus. Choose Jesus with all of your heart. He will never, ever, let you go. His love will always be enough. One day with Him will always be better than a thousand days elsewhere. My prayer for you, above all, is that you will continue to grow in your understanding of His love for you.
My Peanut-cakes, how much does Mommy love you? “To infinity and beyond.”
–Mommy
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by BooParry | Nov 19, 2012 | FaithJourney, Parenting
Let’s face it…as women, we compare. All the time.
We compare ourselves to other women in areas that matters to us the most. For some of us, it may be looks or career. For me, it’s marriage and parenting. Even when I have it so good most of the time (such as in my marriage), I often find myself comparing…Is our marriage as good as theirs? When I actually type these thoughts out, they sound absolutely ridiculous (not to mention embarrassing). But they cross my mind more often than I care to admit.
I’m willing to bet money that I’m not the only one (remember, this blog is all about being real). That’s why this post is addressed to all of my categories: single, marriage, parenting, and adoption.
Single: Am I as successful in my career as the woman next to me? How is my dating life compared to theirs?
Marriage: Does our marriage appear as great as theirs? Do we have a better house/car/etc.?
Parenting : Is my child better behaved than theirs? Does my child have more accomplishments in academics, sports, etc.?
Adoption: We’ve been in this process longer, and my friends are getting their child before us. How is my child adjusting compared to other adopted children?
We thought it would end after high school. But it doesn’t. When I had my first baby, I found out that in some ways, it gets worse. Natural birth or epidural. Breast milk or formula. How long will it take for my child to sleep through the night compared to theirs? Buy or make baby food? Potty-training, swimming, reading, etc., etc. It never ends.
Probably the most humbling experience for me in this area has been my adventure of raising Peanut. I know, I talk about her all the time. Honestly, I feel like so much of my life’s lessons, callings, challenges, and blessings are all wrapped inside that little body of hers. Before she was born, I was sure that I would be a good mother. I was confident. I would look at out-of-control kids at the mall and would think to myself, “When I become a mother, my children will never behave like that.” I come from a culture where good manners and behaviors are valued above all else. There’s a lot of shame associated with those who would not fit into the “well-behaved box.” In this type of culture, I excelled as a child. I was like Apostle Paul, who said he was like “a Hebrew of Hebrews”; I added zero shame to my Japanese heritage.
Then came my Peanut. To her, lines were meant to be crossed, and authorities were meant to be challenged. If I tried to put her inside a box, she was determined to get out. To this day, even if she’s not being blatantly defiant, she is plain…weird (I mean, “unique”). The other day, we were in the garage, getting out of our minivan. I was helping LittleBit out of her car seat. I looked over at Peanut who was standing by the door, and she was licking the doorknob, just for her own amusement. There are so many moments like this with her that simply makes me wonder, “Why?”
She is different. She is not easy to raise. These two truths have been so hard for me to swallow. I crave normalcy, easy, fitting in, etc. If I do stand out, I want to stand out for excellence. Peanut just stands out. Period. She has so much energy, so much to say, so much to explore…and so much she desires to control. I don’t know any other child like her.
Next came my second child, LittleBit. Now, she’s no low maintenance either when she reaches her limit and blows up. However, those moments do not characterize her overall personality. For the most part, she’s easy-going. She actually loves to please others. She is very affectionate. She does not respond to everything with a challenge. She makes me realize, “Wow, so this is what other moms are talking about, when they say how blissful early motherhood is.” Okay, don’t get me wrong; it’s not that I never had blissful moments with Peanut. Of course I did. They were just overshadowed by the many challenges I faced. So when this second child who fit more into my ideal came, guess what happened. I actually became more jealous of other moms who had “easy” children like LittleBit. I thought to myself, “So this is how easy some moms have it.” There you have it – another raw, embarrassing revelation of my inner thoughts.
For some of you, it may be your marriage. It may be finances. It may be that you’re single and have been waiting for so long, and all your friends seems to be on their third child. We all have one or two areas where we face challenges others don’t seem to face. We compare. We desire for our challenges to be lifted (for me, I’m constantly tempted to wish: When is she going to get easier?).
Then I remember. As God’s beloved child, every season of my life has a purpose, whether it be easy or difficult. I am amazed by God’s infinite wisdom. What better child to place into my hands than one who will break me free of my perfectionist ideals, who will humble me in my area of pride, and who will help me grow as a person more than I ever did? I can’t think of a more perfect match than Peanut and I. She needs more of my guidance and structure; I need more of her carefree spirit and sense of humor. She’s learning to see more of life through my eyes, and I’m learning to see it through hers. Raising her has been such a humbling, growing, rewarding, incredible journey for me….and this is only the beginning. As I look back on the last five years, I am in awe. I am so honored that God trusted me enough to place her under my care. I believe with all of my heart that her life is meant to stand out…for God. I was given the front-row seat to watch it unfold. Her leadership instincts, her intelligence, her perseverance, her strength, her caring heart….in all these and more, I see glimpses of so much potential. She is, without a doubt, one special little girl.
If I focus on other people’s lawns, I will miss out on all of this. But if I water my own diligently, I will see my greatest challenges transformed into my greatest treasures.
I wholeheartedly agree with whoever came up with this phrase: “Grass is greener where you water it.”
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
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by BooParry | Nov 9, 2012 | #MomLife, Parenting, Series
Last night, as the girls were seating themselves at the dinner table, LittleBit looked over at Peanut, and in response, Peanut turned her head away and said, “I don’t want her to look at me.” Previous to this exchange, I had already warned Peanut that she must be kind and show a good attitude. When she did this, I sent her to her room. She was screaming and kicking in there for a while. While she was throwing her fit, a thought occurred to me (which I believe was from God): Perhaps another friend has done and said a similar thing to her? After Peanut had calmed down, I went into her room. Here was the conversation that took place:
Me: Do you know why you were sent to your room?
P: Yes, because I turned my head and said I didn’t want to look at LittleBit.
Me: That’s right, that was unkind. In OUR family, we do not treat each other this way. (Pause). Peanut, did a friend at school do the same thing to you?
P: (tears filling up her eyes). Yes. ______ does that to me all the time.
Me: (going over to hug her and cry with her). I’m so sorry that he does that. We will pray for him. We will pray that God will change his heart and he will stop doing that. Do you know what though? When he does that, you feel sad, right?
P: Yes.
Me: That’s exactly how LittleBit feels when you do that to her. It makes her sad. In OUR family, we always do our best to treat others with love and kindness.
P: Yes, Mommy.
It was one of those rare moments when I felt I was really able to connect with her heart. I pray that there are many more to come. I pray that I will cherish every one of them. I pray that God will continue to pour His wisdom. Through every precious moment like this, I pray that she will come to a deeper understanding of my love…but more importantly, of God’s great love for her.
by BooParry | Oct 15, 2012 | #MomLife, Key, Parenting, Series
Around 15 months of age, Peanut had mastered the not-so-beautiful art of whining. We knew her to have more of a “difficult” temperament by this time, but we still had not learned to fully engage in some of these issues as parents of a strong-willed child. When she turned two and we were still dealing with her dramatic tantrums and whining, we knew that we had to do something drastic about them. This time, I was determined to be more consistent and tackle these issues whole-heartedly, instead of half-heartedly. Our child must learn to obey our authority. She does not have the freedom to “run the show” in our family.
My mentor advised that the key factor in her learning to obey was developing her self-control. Some people laughed at me. Teaching a two-year-old how to have self-control? Good luck. I, however, had complete confidence that it can be done. I knew I couldn’t expect her to have the same level of self-control as an adult, but as a two-year-old, she can learn to not throw an angry fit over the smallest things.
Up to this point, when she would whine or throw a fit, I would put her in the crib. Well, remember I told you that she’s strong-willed. When I put her in the crib, she would just keep screaming or crying. When I felt that she had “calmed down enough,” I would go in and get her. We repeated this cycle more often than I care to count. I then realized – she was still making some sort of noises (to express her discontent) when I came in the room to pick her up. In her mind, she was winning every time.
One day, I decided that I was not going back to get her until she had calmed down and was actually quiet. I explained this to her. I began to use the words “self-control” as part of our regular vocabulary. The first time I put her in the crib for whining after making that decision, she cried for…well, for the purpose of this public blog, let’s just say for a very, very long time (if you want to know just how strong-willed she is, call me, and I will tell you how long it actually was). To our relief though, it was the only time she cried for that long.
That day, as I sat outside her bedroom hearing her cry, this was what I wrote on her journal:
While you were in there crying, I kept praying. Dad came home and we prayed together. We prayed for God to guide us with His wisdom and discernment. I also placed my hands on your bedroom door and prayed for you, that you will be able to learn the skill of self-control. At one point, you started crying out to me: “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!” My heart broke into a thousand pieces. Having to discipline you breaks my heart and brings me to tears, but I am absolutely committed to helping you develop godly character and values. I want to do the “right” thing for you, rather than the “easy” thing. I desire for you to produce good fruit in your life, and be all that God created you to be.
Whew. So what happened after this long, drawn-out crying/screaming session? When her screams finally turned into whimpers of surrender, I went in and praised her like crazy. She was so happy for rest of the night. It was like a different type of countenance took over her face – total freedom and relief. It was as if she realized (the hard way) how much burden had been lifted off of her…when she finally learned to let go.
Whining did not disappear after that one night, but it significantly decreased. Next time we put her in the crib, the duration of her crying and screaming was a lot less. Within weeks (maybe days), as a two-year-old, she fully understood the meaning of the term “self-control” (and even used it on her baby sister when she was screaming).
That was almost three years ago. The road of raising her has not been easy. In fact, it’s been extremely, almost indescribably challenging. But it’s been so worth it. She still loses her temper at times, but most of the time, we’re able to help calm herself down simply by saying, “Peanut, show us self-control.” She stops. She’s calm. This may not seem like a big deal to some, but it’s HUGE for me as a parent of a child who has shown more persistence and aggression than I’ve experienced from anyone I’ve met.
I believe the main foundation I’ve been able to establish with her in the last five years is TRUST.
TRUST that I, as her mom, will not allow her to have her way, no matter how persistent she is. Deep inside, I believe strong-willed children are desperately looking to their authority figures to take on that challenge from them and provide security with love and discipline.
TRUST that my words come with weight. When mom says something, she means it. She can trust that I will follow through.
TRUST that I have her best interest at heart. When things are calm, I take every opportunity to let her know why I need her to obey and the benefits it will bring to her life.
TRUST that I love her, always, no matter what. After every discipline, I try to remember to squeeze her tight, tell her how much I love her, tell her she’s forgiven, and tell her how much I believe in her. I let her know: God has big, great plans for you! You are meant to be a leader.
I know that we’re still building on this foundation. But I see the fruit of it already. Just yesterday, she was sent to her room, and she began banging on the wall. I just opened the door once, and told her calmly, “Peanut, you will stay in your room longer, the more you bang against that wall.” Banging stopped. Why? Because she believes me, 100%, that she will stay in that room longer the more she bangs on that wall. With a strong-willed child, it takes a lot longer to build that trust. They just want to keep testing, and testing, and testing…hanging on to a tiny chance that this time, maybe she’ll give in? But as I mentioned earlier, they have love-hate battles within themselves. They want to win, but they don’t. They know they should not really be in control at this age. Yet they can’t help themselves from testing authority. My husband and I are determined to be that strong pillar for her, just as God is the strong pillar for us.
To the parents of strong-willed children: I share your pain, I feel your turmoil. It’s not easy…not even in the least. It’s a very special calling, and God has chosen you, not anyone else, but YOU to take on this huge task. My prayers are with you. I know that in less than two decades, we will see some powerful world-changers for God emerge out of our homes. Until then, let’s keep diving in, whole-heartedly.
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