by BooParry | Apr 26, 2017 | Key, Single
This is an addendum to a post I wrote 5 years ago called Is This “The One”? about what to look for in a future spouse.
The other day I made an observation. Some people seek connection with other people for the sake of gaining something out of it. This may be a pretty obvious statement to you. I guess I was disappointed because when I observed it, it happened in what I thought should be a very loving and accepting environment. But the older we get, the more we learn that we can’t ever completely get away from cliques, the inner/outer circles, favoritism, etc. It happens in workplaces, neighborhoods, and even churches. Even so, in that moment, I was disappointed. I felt that this person was showing favoritism for selfish reasons, which resulted in someone else feeling left out, not good enough. I left feeling…sad.
While I was contemplating all these things, God suddenly turned my attention to my husband. I reflected on this person that I’ve come to know so well over the last 12 years. And my immediate thought was, “He is SO not like that. He doesn’t ever show favoritism. Every person is valuable enough of his time, his friendship, his attention…every time.” Do not get me wrong, he is not perfect by any means. His imperfections are something I’ve become thoroughly acquainted with in the last 12 years (and I’m sure he would say, vice versa).
I can confidently say, however, that he accepts and loves people wholeheartedly, without pretense or favoritism, and not for the sake of gaining something in return.
I then had an “aha” moment. That’s just like the way Jesus loves.
I wasn’t wise or mature enough to make this comparison 12 years ago. I had too many fears and doubts I was facing at the time, mostly out of my own issues. But I kept relying on God to guide me with His peace, one step at a time, in this new relationship with Allan. I still remember this one friendship Allan had at the time that stood out to me. We were in the “young career” social season of our lives (well, I was just starting in that season and Allan was almost graduating), and often times a bunch of us went out to dinner or coffee after church on Saturday nights. There was a guy who had various physical disabilities (in his body and speech), but he did not have any mental disability. Not everyone took the time to befriend him, but it was obvious that he and Allan shared a special friendship. His face beamed every time he saw Allan, and they always shared a hug and a laugh. Allan was the same friend to him (or anyone) whether it was in a huge crowd or in a deserted parking lot. I love and respect that about him…so much.
In my opinion, this is the “X factor” that you want to find when you’re looking for a spouse (again, in addition to what I listed on Is This “The One”? post).
Is Love at the heart of who he/she is?
Even when nobody is looking?
Even when it will not bring him/her credit or fame?
Is he/she quick to help, to befriend, to give…just for the sake of showing love?
Or…do they tend to be drawn to people who can get them in the “in crowd,” who can benefit them in some way? Do they connect with others for their own benefit? Do they tend to stay in the “superficial” level of social relationships? Do they act one way in social situations and in a completely different way when they’re alone?
I believe that this particular factor is a heart/character issue that only God can change…so if they are the latter type, I would advise strongly that you dismiss them and never look back. If they are the first type, hang onto them for dear life, before someone else snatches them!
Final note: I believe that so much of what I wrote on this topic boils down to one word – humility. That truly is the main key ingredient. It’s the main ingredient you want to look for in your future spouse, and it’s the main ingredient you want to nurture and grow as you enter marriage. Selfishness comes by default; nobody is immune to it. Humility comes through the working of the Holy Spirit.
The “X factor” is love expressed through humility.
To all you singles: may God continue to develop that kind of love in both you and your future spouse, and may your future marriage be one that is defined by that kind of love.
Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand. Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn’t think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn’t claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion.
–Philippians 2:4-8 The Message
I wrote more about the importance of humility in marriage in this post Undone: A Perfect Mate.
by BooParry | Sep 13, 2013 | FaithJourney, Marriage, Parenting, Single
Last month was the 10th anniversary of my big move from California to Florida. My new life in Florida began on August 21, 2003.
This made me think of who I was 10 years ago…and who I am now.
ME 10 years ago:
-Young (Boy, was I young! 23 years old. I had no clue how “young” I really was back then, or how much freedom I had to enjoy, haha.)
-Shy, scared to talk to new people
-Homesick for California
-Moved back in with my parents
-Loved God…but also looking for my future mate to fill my needs and desires. I was so anxious for “my happily ever after” to arrive!
-Loved to journal and play with photos
-Not a big reader
-Not a kid person, although I knew I wanted a big family someday
ME now:
-Married for 7 years
-Three daughters
-Just returned from China to adopt our new daughter
-Led numerous small groups (parenting and MOPS groups). Love to speak/teach in front of people.
-Love God more than ever…knows He is the One who fills ALL of my needs and desires.
-Learning more about truly becoming who I was created to be…a worshiper of God, not just in songs but also with every detail of my life.
-Love to blog and play with photos
-Love to read
Life lessons learned….
By being married to my husband, I have learned the true meaning of LOVE. LOVE is not a romantic happily ever after, but a daily choice to say “I do.” Marriage is an opportunity TO LOVE and serve. Opportunity to grow. Yes, it has many happy, joyful moments full of laughter. But there are tough times as well, and God MUST be our rock.
By being a mother to Peanut, I learned more about FAITH (which also happens to be her middle name). Motherhood is not a constant blissful season that I dreamed of. It’s a constant LEANING on God to guide me with wisdom. Constant test of faith (especially when blessed with a strong-willed child!): to stay consistent even if I don’t see the fruit right away, continue to have FAITH in the BIG plans God has for my child, and continue to parent towards the future.
By being a mother to LittleBit, I have experienced so much JOY. There is so much joy in parenting. The “oh you are so cute” moments really make all the frustrations from the day disappear. I’m learning to find joy in the little things. I’m learning to take a break from the busyness of life…and just ENJOY the blessings that are all around me.
Within these past two months of being a mother to Mini-Lu, I’ve been a recipient of abundant GRACE. It’s not about being a perfect mom who has it all together. Sometimes I mess up…badly. Sometimes my children show goodness “in spite of” my parenting and not “because of” my parenting. But even in this, God is whispering to me, “It’s OK. You will mess up sometimes. But keep trying. Keep learning. Keep growing. Keep leaning on Me to be the mom I have created you to be.” With each new child, God enlarges my capacity. He also shows me GRACE through my children. Often times, they are so much more gracious than I am. They are so resilient and forgiving. Their love and trust in me do not waver. Everyday, I receive a dosage of God’s GRACE through my children, and most especially through Mini-Lu.
I love my life. Oh, how I love my life. It’s not always easy. I have many more days of feeling exhausted, frustrated, and out-of-control than I did ten years ago. But I would not trade this life for what I had. No, definitely not. I have more gray hairs and wrinkles…and my nails are hardly ever polished. But…I have gained so much more wisdom, love, joy, and strength on the inside…through all that God has allowed me to experience in the last ten years. Most importantly, Jesus is more real to me than ever before.
Here’s the biggest lesson I learned in the last 10 years. 10 years ago, I was chasing after my perfect sandcastle…my happily ever after. 10 years later, I’ve learned…it’s when my own sandcastle is SMASHED, when I’m broken, and when I’m so very aware of how imperfect I am…these are the times I run the fastest into the arms of my Father. In midst of this sweet surrender, I finally find my “happily ever after”: my heart so engulfed by His love that I don’t know whose heartbeat I’m listening to…mine or His.
No, I wouldn’t trade this Divine Romance for any other kind of life this world may have to offer.
Share
by BooParry | Mar 27, 2013 | FaithJourney, Key, Single
The following is a journal entry from seven years ago, when Allan and I were engaged. To this day, our dating and engagement period has been the toughest season we have faced in our relationship by far. We were constantly faced with conflicts caused by fears, opposite personalities, and unrealistic expectations, as we learned to communicate and do life together.
This particular entry was written on March 18, 2006.
“Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.” Psalm 126:5-6
This is the passage You showed me last night. It has been a very tough battle/challenge these last few days.
I go through a great turmoil when reality doesn’t match my ideal. Relationship is hard. It’s hard to share my life with another imperfect person…and it’s even harder to realize how imperfect I am and have my imperfections be exposed to the other person. It’s hard to face conflicts or disappointments…and to learn how to communicate through them. When conflict happens on a regular basis, I get so exhausted.
I see how pleasant I am around other people (besides him). I realize how much I’ve enjoyed that…and I really miss it. Sometimes I’m hesitant to see him at night or answer his call because I’m afraid the worst part of me will come out again, just because things didn’t go exactly the way I wanted. This also clashes with my ideal that I shouldn’t feel this way about spending time with my fiancé. This whole challenge clashes with my ideal that I’m not supposed to be such a difficult person to deal with. The cycle just keeps getting worse.
It does, however, bring me back to my knees. I remember that You are always here to rescue me from this endless cycle of doubts, fears, and over-analyzing. I keep coming back to a place of faith. It’s my faith that’s being easily attacked, even intimidated, which is causing all this fear. I come back to the realization that I need more faith. More faith in God, who has never failed me, who promises to never leave me. More faith in Allan, who has stuck by my side so faithfully thus far…who has expressed so much love for God and for me. More faith in this relationship that has been given to us from God, where we can complement each other and glorify God more powerfully together than on our own. More faith in myself…who, after truly accepting God’s love, have always found my way back to Him. Who, with His help, have been able to endure any trial and challenge without giving up. Who have consistently sought His will and His guidance for me and my future family.
Last night and this morning, You brought me to a place of total surrender. I kept having crazy thoughts of what if the wedding has to be postponed or canceled…how would I face everyone. You reminded me that You’re the only One I ultimately answer to. I have given You full reign over my life. I need to be willing to leave everything in Your hands – the wedding, the marriage, everything. And I must be willing to give it up if You ask me to. It won’t make sense to me at all, but the command to sacrifice Isaac didn’t make sense to Abraham either. But through his faith and total surrender, Your glory was revealed…and You brought the sweetest victory for him. It will be the same for me. I will always choose You, Lord. Everything I have belongs to You. Where You call me to, I will go. What You want to take from me, it’s Yours. What You ask me to do, I’ll do. I long for this kind of heart always. May I always seek Your face.
I desire to hold the gifts You give me with open hands. I want my life to reveal Your glory and goodness. This morning, as I was on my knees, all I could let out with my voice was, “I surrender, I surrender, I surrender…everything to You.”
I do surrender all…it’s not I who live, but Christ living in me. May that be true to every part of my being. I will face every trial necessary, whatever it takes, for me to fulfill Your will and purpose.
My faith, my love, my undying devotion to my God. This is the legacy I desire to leave to my children and for a thousand generations to come. I want them to know that I sought after God with all of my heart…and that I always found Him.
You have brought me an amazing partner to share this journey with. We seek Your guidance, every step of the way.
As I read this and ponder back, I can see that from this place of surrender, God began an amazing work in and through our relationship, which is still unfolding today. As the verse at the beginning says, the seeds of our relationship were sown with tears, and now we are reaping the harvest with indescribable joy. When I give it all to God, He takes it and gives it back a hundred fold. My life is a living example of that…time and time again. I will testify to this truth until my dying breath: surrendering to Jesus always brings the sweetest victory. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s true. It’s true.
I have decided to follow Jesus;
No turning back, no turning back.
Though I may wonder, I still will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.
The world behind me, the cross before me;
No turning back, no turning back.
Though none go with me, still I will follow;
No turning back, no turning back.
Will you decide now to follow Jesus?
No turning back, no turning back.
-hymn attributed to S. Sundar Singh
by BooParry | Dec 10, 2012 | Marriage, Single
I want to express my thoughts very carefully today. I don’t want them to be misunderstood. So please keep an open mind and hear me out, and I will do my best to articulate my thoughts and my intentions as clearly as I possibly can.
My husband and I have a blessed marriage. As I repeated several times, this blog is about being real. I’ve written about some real challenges we’ve faced in our marriage (see Marriage and Anger or Marriage and Disappointment). We definitely experienced some communication glitches (especially during our dating stage), and we still do at times. We’ve had some external factors (such as the café trial) that brought some tough seasons into our marriage.
But as I look back on the last seven years together…I can honestly say, we have a very blessed marriage. There’s never a time either of us have felt, “I want out.” Apart from the dating stage, I don’t remember anything being so tough in our relationship that we’ve felt, “This is so hard. I don’t know how my spouse and I will get through this.” Again, we’ve had some difficult life challenges, but our bond has only grown through every challenge. We truly enjoy spending time with each other. We share everything with each other. We laugh together, a lot. Most of the time, those moments don’t involve our children. This is a common scene you’ll find in our home: Allan and I laughing our heads off about something at the dining table, and our children looking at us like, “Here they go again.” We flirt over texts and phone often, and we still can’t get enough of the kisses, hugs, and cuddles. This is not to “show off” our marriage, but to paint an honest picture of how truly, deeply we enjoy our marriage…every day.
Here is the part I want to mention but don’t want to be misunderstood. I believe, with all my heart, that this blessed marriage didn’t happen by some good luck. I believe it’s directly tied to how we honored God in our dating relationship, as well as how we continue to honor God above all else. This is not about “look how good we are,” and I certainly don’t mean to cast any judgment on other relationships. I know that God has a different story for each person/couple. I felt strongly in my heart though, that I should not be ashamed to tell our story of how God has been guiding us to keep Him first, and how much joy and blessing have come out of our very intentional journey. My hope is that this will encourage other couples (dating or married) in their journey.
I’m currently doing a Bible study on the book of James by Beth Moore. James 4:7-8 says, “Therefore, submit to God. But resist the Devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” Here is how Beth Moore puts it: “Put your sweet self under God. Entirely.” Then the devil will flee, but he doesn’t flee from us. “He runs from God who is standing there right over us every time we submit.” What an incredible picture…and one that Allan and I can very much relate to! We submitted our relationship to God from the very beginning. Did we do everything perfectly? No. But with every possible effort, we made sure to stay under God’s covering. We honored His commands, with the biggest one being abstaining from sex until we were married. We sought after His wisdom and His guidance before making any big decision. We cried out to Him for help when we faced those communication glitches I mentioned. We sought out godly counsel through books, sermons, mentors, and pastoral counseling. Now I can look back and see – the devil that did NOT want to see God honored in our relationship ran from us, because God was standing right over us. This is still the case today, and the prayer of my heart is that we will always submit ourselves under God’s protection and guidance. This is not a one-time commitment; it’s a daily commitment. We humble ourselves under the mighty hand of God, and we’ve seen Him lift us up (1 Peter 5:6).
I want to encourage you, singles, and those who may be facing challenges in their marriage. By submitting to God, you cannot go wrong. You can’t. Maybe your partner/spouse is not willing to submit. Keep submitting yourself to God anyway, by yourself. Under His covering, you are safe. He will never let you go. You and I will stumble, yes, but we will never fall. He will never let us fall. Blessings will always follow.
Psalm 37:3-6;23-24
Trust in the Lord and do good.
Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.
Commit everything you do to the Lord.
Trust him, and he will help you.
He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.
The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand.
Be encouraged, my friends, the Lord is for you…not against you.
Oh, I almost forgot, I also don’t mean to imply that there’s no hope for those who didn’t submit to God. I will always be a firm believer though, that the best blessings are experienced when we follow God 100%. It is never too late. God is the God of second, third, one-hundredth chances. Hallelujah.
Share
by BooParry | Aug 7, 2012 | Single
I’ve been walking with God for about fifteen years now. Over the years, I’ve experienced many “kisses from God” moments, when I’m overwhelmed by His intimate, personal expression of His love for me.
One of those moments stands out more than the rest.
I was living in North Hollywood. I was 23 years old. I had finished my first year out in the “real world,” outside of my Christian bubble. It was not going well. I was barely able to keep up with my bills (let me repeat: I was living in North Hollywood, with an entry-level job). I was not making the best choices. I felt God tugging at my heart, to let down my pride and lean on my parents for a while. I also had an “out of sight, out of mind” attitude towards my parents, and I knew that God wanted me to work on building a stronger relationship with them. It was time to push the reset button and return to my “home” as a young adult. The problem was, they had moved to Florida during my first year in college. My new home was at the very opposite side of the country.
I loved California. It was the only home I had known since I left Japan. I loved being able to see the mountains from the beach. I loved the cultural diversity. I loved the food! I loved the weather. Most of all, I loved the people. I found the best kind of friends I had ever encountered. I found a family that accepted me as their own. The thought of leaving the people and all the memories was almost unbearable for me. Yet, something inside of my spirit said this was the right thing to do.
I attended a church service for one last time on that Sunday before I left California. My heart was heavy. I prayed to God for some kind of confirmation – or even comfort. I then prayed a very specific prayer. My favorite worship song at the time was “Enough” by Chris Tomlin.
All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough
I knew this was true…but I wanted to hear it and sing it as part of the last worship service I attended in California. The band began the service with a different song, and I waited for the next song…then the next. When I saw the band members depart from the stage after the last song, I was a little disappointed. I sat down on my chair and tried to focus on the rest of the service.
And then… (I have to pause here for a moment. As I currently sit at Starbucks typing this, my heart is full and I can’t stop the tears when I think back on this moment).
Two members from the band returned. One brought out a cello (the other member may have had a guitar, I can’t remember). They sat. In a very still moment, one began to play a beautiful melody from the cello, and the other began to sing the most treasured lyrics of my heart. So softly. So gently. So beautifully. I could not even stand from my seat. I just sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed.
God, I am so sad. I know I will be so lonesome for my friends here.
It’s alright, my child. I will quiet you with My love. I will be with you. You will never be alone.
But this past year – I’ve made some pretty bad decisions. I’m not worthy.
I knew you before you were born. You are ALWAYS precious in My sight, no matter how much you may lose sight of Me.
I need strength and courage to face the unknown. I’m leaving my comfort zone, and I’m scared.
I will be your strength and give you courage. I will bless you for following my path. You will not regret it.
I need You! I need You! I need You!
My beloved, I am here. I will always be here to walk beside you.
I had asked for a simple song. He gave me so much more. He turned it into such an intimate, sweet, sweet moment. After 15 years, I’m well aware that this is how He works. He loves to exceed my highest expectations.
Now to Him who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us— to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen. -Ephesians 3:20-21 (HCSB)
Well, as you can probably imagine, the move was hard. It took some time for me to get over the loneliness. But eventually, I found a new home. Not only that, I met my husband, and we started a family here in Florida. This is now a life and a home that I can’t imagine being without.
My single friends: I encourage you to not miss these kisses that God throws your way. When your heart is truly seeking Him, He WILL answer your call. He loves to lavish you with these sweet kisses. There is also no greater season to experience these kisses than now. It’s not that they won’t happen once you’re married – but there will be so many other responsibilities and distractions that can keep you from enjoying these moments to the fullest. This is such a special time for just you and Him – and nobody else. He loves to take advantage of this season and keep the kisses coming. Don’t miss them. When you learn to seize and enjoy them, they will forever be imprinted on your heart.
Share
by BooParry | Jun 18, 2012 | FaithJourney, Key, Single
This is a true story. I thought it would be appropriate to share in honor of Father’s Day.
You know that list almost every girl has, a list of all that we wish for in our future husband? When I first wrote that list (probably in high school), I had about 40 items on that list. I don’t remember them all, but I remember having some ridiculous ones in there – like I want him to play music, or I want him to write poems to me. How idealistic was I? Well, I am glad I didn’t stick to that list, because my husband neither plays music nor writes poems. God knew exactly the kind of person who would be the best fit for me. What’s even more beautiful is that He also knew the kind of person to whom I would be the best fit for. He is the ultimate Matchmaker!
And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will.
–Romans 8:26-27 NLT
I think this passage applied so much to my prayers for my future husband. I didn’t know what kind of man to pray for, although I thought I did. Instead, the Holy Spirit inside of me knew. And there was one particular day, in my mid-twenties, when these groanings did express themselves in words. I will never forget that day.
I remember the exact spot. I was driving in my car. A song came on the radio. It was the song “Just To Be With You” by Third Day. It’s a song about how a man will make many empty promises to claim his love, but he often cannot keep his promise. The song then compares this to the love of Jesus and all the promises He did fulfill to prove His love.
Just to be with you I’ve done everything
There’s no price I did not pay, no
Just to be with you I gave everything
Yes I gave my life away.
I was bawling, and bawling, and bawling. Actually, I was wailing…uncontrollably…in my car, alone. I’ve had many moments like this in my life, when I was completely overwhelmed and consumed by God’s love. Except this time, I was not thinking about myself. I was thinking of my future children. I was not even dating anyone at the time. All of a sudden, my heart cried out for my future children. I longed for them to know of this overwhelming love. I longed for them to find their complete security in God’s love. I also prayed, probably harder than ever before, for them to have a father who will show them a glimpse of this love, a father who will be the best possible example to them of their Heavenly Father. I made a promise that day. I vowed before God that I would not settle for a second best. I will not settle until I found a man who loves God with all of his heart, and a man who will show God’s unconditional love to his children. I will not settle until I found the best possible father for them.
Well, fast forward to present day. I still can’t get through retelling the story of that day without tears rolling from my eyes. The tears are not only from reliving the emotions of that day. They come from seeing the faithfulness of my God in answering that prayer, when I watch my husband with our daughters. I prayed for the best, and He gave me the best. He exceeded all that I asked for or imagined. I am not saying my husband is perfect. However, my special prayer was that he will be the kind of father who will demonstrate God’s love to his children to the best of his ability. I can say this with full confidence: there is not a day that goes by that my girls do not know fully how much their father loves them. They know they are special and adored. They feel completely secure in his love. They will not have an unhealthy need to look for a man’s love elsewhere, because their heart is overflowing with the love they receive from their Daddy. He is truly the best father I could have chosen for my children.
Everyday, I get to witness this miracle. Everyday, I witness the answer to my prayer. Everyday, in my heart, I praise God and tell Him, “Thank You.”
PS. The place I drove by on that particular day (when I first prayed that prayer) happened to be right in front of Tropical Smoothie Café, a store my husband owned at the time. Less than a year later, I met him for the first time. Goosebumps!
Share
