by BooParry | Dec 10, 2012 | Marriage, Single
I want to express my thoughts very carefully today. I don’t want them to be misunderstood. So please keep an open mind and hear me out, and I will do my best to articulate my thoughts and my intentions as clearly as I possibly can.
My husband and I have a blessed marriage. As I repeated several times, this blog is about being real. I’ve written about some real challenges we’ve faced in our marriage (see Marriage and Anger or Marriage and Disappointment). We definitely experienced some communication glitches (especially during our dating stage), and we still do at times. We’ve had some external factors (such as the café trial) that brought some tough seasons into our marriage.
But as I look back on the last seven years together…I can honestly say, we have a very blessed marriage. There’s never a time either of us have felt, “I want out.” Apart from the dating stage, I don’t remember anything being so tough in our relationship that we’ve felt, “This is so hard. I don’t know how my spouse and I will get through this.” Again, we’ve had some difficult life challenges, but our bond has only grown through every challenge. We truly enjoy spending time with each other. We share everything with each other. We laugh together, a lot. Most of the time, those moments don’t involve our children. This is a common scene you’ll find in our home: Allan and I laughing our heads off about something at the dining table, and our children looking at us like, “Here they go again.” We flirt over texts and phone often, and we still can’t get enough of the kisses, hugs, and cuddles. This is not to “show off” our marriage, but to paint an honest picture of how truly, deeply we enjoy our marriage…every day.
Here is the part I want to mention but don’t want to be misunderstood. I believe, with all my heart, that this blessed marriage didn’t happen by some good luck. I believe it’s directly tied to how we honored God in our dating relationship, as well as how we continue to honor God above all else. This is not about “look how good we are,” and I certainly don’t mean to cast any judgment on other relationships. I know that God has a different story for each person/couple. I felt strongly in my heart though, that I should not be ashamed to tell our story of how God has been guiding us to keep Him first, and how much joy and blessing have come out of our very intentional journey. My hope is that this will encourage other couples (dating or married) in their journey.
I’m currently doing a Bible study on the book of James by Beth Moore. James 4:7-8 says, “Therefore, submit to God. But resist the Devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you.” Here is how Beth Moore puts it: “Put your sweet self under God. Entirely.” Then the devil will flee, but he doesn’t flee from us. “He runs from God who is standing there right over us every time we submit.” What an incredible picture…and one that Allan and I can very much relate to! We submitted our relationship to God from the very beginning. Did we do everything perfectly? No. But with every possible effort, we made sure to stay under God’s covering. We honored His commands, with the biggest one being abstaining from sex until we were married. We sought after His wisdom and His guidance before making any big decision. We cried out to Him for help when we faced those communication glitches I mentioned. We sought out godly counsel through books, sermons, mentors, and pastoral counseling. Now I can look back and see – the devil that did NOT want to see God honored in our relationship ran from us, because God was standing right over us. This is still the case today, and the prayer of my heart is that we will always submit ourselves under God’s protection and guidance. This is not a one-time commitment; it’s a daily commitment. We humble ourselves under the mighty hand of God, and we’ve seen Him lift us up (1 Peter 5:6).
I want to encourage you, singles, and those who may be facing challenges in their marriage. By submitting to God, you cannot go wrong. You can’t. Maybe your partner/spouse is not willing to submit. Keep submitting yourself to God anyway, by yourself. Under His covering, you are safe. He will never let you go. You and I will stumble, yes, but we will never fall. He will never let us fall. Blessings will always follow.
Psalm 37:3-6;23-24
Trust in the Lord and do good.
Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.
Commit everything you do to the Lord.
Trust him, and he will help you.
He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.
The Lord directs the steps of the godly.
He delights in every detail of their lives.
Though they stumble, they will never fall,
for the Lord holds them by the hand.
Be encouraged, my friends, the Lord is for you…not against you.
Oh, I almost forgot, I also don’t mean to imply that there’s no hope for those who didn’t submit to God. I will always be a firm believer though, that the best blessings are experienced when we follow God 100%. It is never too late. God is the God of second, third, one-hundredth chances. Hallelujah.
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by BooParry | Nov 19, 2012 | FaithJourney, Parenting
Let’s face it…as women, we compare. All the time.
We compare ourselves to other women in areas that matters to us the most. For some of us, it may be looks or career. For me, it’s marriage and parenting. Even when I have it so good most of the time (such as in my marriage), I often find myself comparing…Is our marriage as good as theirs? When I actually type these thoughts out, they sound absolutely ridiculous (not to mention embarrassing). But they cross my mind more often than I care to admit.
I’m willing to bet money that I’m not the only one (remember, this blog is all about being real). That’s why this post is addressed to all of my categories: single, marriage, parenting, and adoption.
Single: Am I as successful in my career as the woman next to me? How is my dating life compared to theirs?
Marriage: Does our marriage appear as great as theirs? Do we have a better house/car/etc.?
Parenting : Is my child better behaved than theirs? Does my child have more accomplishments in academics, sports, etc.?
Adoption: We’ve been in this process longer, and my friends are getting their child before us. How is my child adjusting compared to other adopted children?
We thought it would end after high school. But it doesn’t. When I had my first baby, I found out that in some ways, it gets worse. Natural birth or epidural. Breast milk or formula. How long will it take for my child to sleep through the night compared to theirs? Buy or make baby food? Potty-training, swimming, reading, etc., etc. It never ends.
Probably the most humbling experience for me in this area has been my adventure of raising Peanut. I know, I talk about her all the time. Honestly, I feel like so much of my life’s lessons, callings, challenges, and blessings are all wrapped inside that little body of hers. Before she was born, I was sure that I would be a good mother. I was confident. I would look at out-of-control kids at the mall and would think to myself, “When I become a mother, my children will never behave like that.” I come from a culture where good manners and behaviors are valued above all else. There’s a lot of shame associated with those who would not fit into the “well-behaved box.” In this type of culture, I excelled as a child. I was like Apostle Paul, who said he was like “a Hebrew of Hebrews”; I added zero shame to my Japanese heritage.
Then came my Peanut. To her, lines were meant to be crossed, and authorities were meant to be challenged. If I tried to put her inside a box, she was determined to get out. To this day, even if she’s not being blatantly defiant, she is plain…weird (I mean, “unique”). The other day, we were in the garage, getting out of our minivan. I was helping LittleBit out of her car seat. I looked over at Peanut who was standing by the door, and she was licking the doorknob, just for her own amusement. There are so many moments like this with her that simply makes me wonder, “Why?”
She is different. She is not easy to raise. These two truths have been so hard for me to swallow. I crave normalcy, easy, fitting in, etc. If I do stand out, I want to stand out for excellence. Peanut just stands out. Period. She has so much energy, so much to say, so much to explore…and so much she desires to control. I don’t know any other child like her.
Next came my second child, LittleBit. Now, she’s no low maintenance either when she reaches her limit and blows up. However, those moments do not characterize her overall personality. For the most part, she’s easy-going. She actually loves to please others. She is very affectionate. She does not respond to everything with a challenge. She makes me realize, “Wow, so this is what other moms are talking about, when they say how blissful early motherhood is.” Okay, don’t get me wrong; it’s not that I never had blissful moments with Peanut. Of course I did. They were just overshadowed by the many challenges I faced. So when this second child who fit more into my ideal came, guess what happened. I actually became more jealous of other moms who had “easy” children like LittleBit. I thought to myself, “So this is how easy some moms have it.” There you have it – another raw, embarrassing revelation of my inner thoughts.
For some of you, it may be your marriage. It may be finances. It may be that you’re single and have been waiting for so long, and all your friends seems to be on their third child. We all have one or two areas where we face challenges others don’t seem to face. We compare. We desire for our challenges to be lifted (for me, I’m constantly tempted to wish: When is she going to get easier?).
Then I remember. As God’s beloved child, every season of my life has a purpose, whether it be easy or difficult. I am amazed by God’s infinite wisdom. What better child to place into my hands than one who will break me free of my perfectionist ideals, who will humble me in my area of pride, and who will help me grow as a person more than I ever did? I can’t think of a more perfect match than Peanut and I. She needs more of my guidance and structure; I need more of her carefree spirit and sense of humor. She’s learning to see more of life through my eyes, and I’m learning to see it through hers. Raising her has been such a humbling, growing, rewarding, incredible journey for me….and this is only the beginning. As I look back on the last five years, I am in awe. I am so honored that God trusted me enough to place her under my care. I believe with all of my heart that her life is meant to stand out…for God. I was given the front-row seat to watch it unfold. Her leadership instincts, her intelligence, her perseverance, her strength, her caring heart….in all these and more, I see glimpses of so much potential. She is, without a doubt, one special little girl.
If I focus on other people’s lawns, I will miss out on all of this. But if I water my own diligently, I will see my greatest challenges transformed into my greatest treasures.
I wholeheartedly agree with whoever came up with this phrase: “Grass is greener where you water it.”
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!
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by BooParry | Nov 9, 2012 | #MomLife, Parenting, Series
Last night, as the girls were seating themselves at the dinner table, LittleBit looked over at Peanut, and in response, Peanut turned her head away and said, “I don’t want her to look at me.” Previous to this exchange, I had already warned Peanut that she must be kind and show a good attitude. When she did this, I sent her to her room. She was screaming and kicking in there for a while. While she was throwing her fit, a thought occurred to me (which I believe was from God): Perhaps another friend has done and said a similar thing to her? After Peanut had calmed down, I went into her room. Here was the conversation that took place:
Me: Do you know why you were sent to your room?
P: Yes, because I turned my head and said I didn’t want to look at LittleBit.
Me: That’s right, that was unkind. In OUR family, we do not treat each other this way. (Pause). Peanut, did a friend at school do the same thing to you?
P: (tears filling up her eyes). Yes. ______ does that to me all the time.
Me: (going over to hug her and cry with her). I’m so sorry that he does that. We will pray for him. We will pray that God will change his heart and he will stop doing that. Do you know what though? When he does that, you feel sad, right?
P: Yes.
Me: That’s exactly how LittleBit feels when you do that to her. It makes her sad. In OUR family, we always do our best to treat others with love and kindness.
P: Yes, Mommy.
It was one of those rare moments when I felt I was really able to connect with her heart. I pray that there are many more to come. I pray that I will cherish every one of them. I pray that God will continue to pour His wisdom. Through every precious moment like this, I pray that she will come to a deeper understanding of my love…but more importantly, of God’s great love for her.
by BooParry | Oct 24, 2012 | Marriage
Sometimes I wonder if people think I’m sharing too much of my business on Facebook (or on this blog). It’s just that I have a big passion for “Keeping it real,” and I feel that there’s not enough of that going on, especially within the Christian community (read more on my intro here about that).
Anyway, I wanted to share details of the “heated discussion” emails that were exchanged between my husband and me.
Background: My husband is very overprotective of our family (as he should be). Sometimes, in areas where he’s more passionate, my attitude is more of “que sera sera” (whatever will be, will be). Financial investment is one of those areas. Another area is being prepared for unforeseen attacks. I know that he’s right and I should put more priority on those things, but I seem to catch up to him at a snail’s pace. A recent incident in the news has raised the priority level of protecting our family to the highest in his mind. From my perspective, I assumed that he was starting to get too anxious from the recent news. The following was the email exchange that took place.
Hubby
Part of the statement is this: “Whitney was a very loving person,” he added. “She was warm, she was kind, she was everything you would want in a friend, relative, spiritual fellow worshiper.”
Found her body in the woods.
NEWS ARTICLE (click to read)
We need to look into ways to protect you and the girls. Mace in the car between the seats and reachable in your purse. It might be worth looking into some self defense classes we can do as a family. Give you the confidence and knowledge to grab your keys and stab them in the eyes or kick to the grind….anything.
I do NOT want to end up like this husband……..
Me (this is where I tried to express that I agree with him, but I also tried to be the “wise voice” in his head and remind him that we should keep the right perspective and not get too anxious).
Wow, that is sad. Sure, we can definitely look into self defense classes.
Let the Ninja in me come out!
This is an awful thing to happen to anybody, and I certainly agree that we should be prepared to make sure it doesn’t happen to us. I do want to have it in writing though, that if something tragic ever did happen to me, I have absolutely no regrets – I have the best life a girl can ask for – best (sexiest) husband, delightful (although crazy) daughters, and every day is truly a treasure to me that I feel I don’t fully deserve. To top that off, when I die, I get to meet JESUS face to face!! I will be even Happier than I am now, which is so hard to fathom.
It’s the souls of people like this guy (killer) that we need to pray for. I can’t imagine living my life without the hope we have from God!
This was truly how I felt, and I thought I was “doing good” by expressing them to him, keeping our focus on God.
Hubby
I agree but I also believe that God puts things in our path, such as this tragedy, as a wake up call that bad things happen and we should be prepared. I know you laugh at me when I talk about the Mace, but I’m not ready to lose you or the squirts. The world is a messy place and I just want us to be better prepared. Self defense isn’t just lolli gagging through life knowing God has your back but actually taking the time to step up and learn things to protect yourself. If a moment arises, like it did for this poor girl, I want myself and our kids to know that you’ll know what to do and they’ll learn what to do, not just look to the sky and say OK take me home. God gives free will, free will allows Satan to enter and if any of those meat heads come in your direction, I want full on Lucy Liu ninja throw down so they’ll learn not to mess with Boo! OK, so maybe not full on Tae classes, but simple stuff like the key thing or pressure points, Kubaton key chain training or mace…..etc.
Oh, this INFURIATED me. I felt that I was not heard properly, and I felt he was putting words into my mouth (which is my biggest pet peeve). In truth (looking back), he didn’t hear from me exactly what he wanted to hear, and I didn’t hear back from him exactly what I wanted to hear back. I remember hearing myself pounding on the keyboard as I typed these words in anger:
Me
I was not disagreeing with you at all, and I’m not laughing at the idea of self-defense.
That was TRULY not my intention of writing what I did.
I wholeheartedly AGREE with you on everything you’re saying.
I just had to write that, to make sure if anything UNexpected DID happen (because we can’t be prepared for EVERYthing), that YOU KNOW (and have in writing) that I have no regrets. As hard as it will be for the people left behind, I will be happier and in a better place.
That was my only intention.
I kind of felt bad about how I responded in anger, but still not to the point of being truly sorry, so I added another response right behind it (notice some sarcasm hidden in there):
I’m sorry, I just got upset for a sec. I agree that I have not been taking things as seriously as I should about self-defense, but I feel like sometimes you “label” me that way and you won’t believe me when I truly tell you that I agree with you.
I’m “labeled” as the one who laughs at the idea of self-defense.
I am NOT going to just stand by and let myself or my children get hurt. You know me better than that, I hope. Sign me up for a class next week if you don’t believe me.
I understand the sense of urgency you feel. I just felt like I need to speak out that piece about my eternal hope being in God, no matter what happens. I sensed that this whole incident was starting to consume you with anxiety, which I don’t think is the state God wants us to be in either.
I understand the urgency. I agree we should take full measures to protect ourselves. I agree. Honestly, I do.
Hubby
lol….I’m not in a state of anxiety or labeling anything. Sorry you feel that way; just trying to be proactive. I’d rather be one that says I had seen the sign God was providing and acted on it rather than sure wish I had noticed that sign before.
I’m starting to come down from the height of my anger at this point. I still wasn’t convinced that we have fully reconnected. This was where I truly spoke (typed) from my heart (minus the anger).
Me
And that’s exactly what I was trying to say in my first response: Yes, let’s act on it!
Then, I received a response with words being put in my mouth (which always triggers my button), “I know you laugh at me when I talk about the Mace…”
“not just look to the sky and say OK take me home…”
I’m sorry I overreacted.
Hubby
Sorry for being sarcastic. I guess I’m a little over reactive because I love my Boo and girls:) I’ll look into what’s out there for basic self defense stuff not full on karate….yet that’ll be for when the girls start dating:)
This was when the whole wall broke down, and we went back to our usual sweet bantering and flirting.
This was what I posted as my Facebook status immediately after:
Keepin’ It Real: hubby and I got in a rare “heated” discussion via email just now. Two imperfect people doing life together can look messy at times, but I’m so thankful that at the end of it, we can always come to a greater appreciation and understanding of each other (and greater awareness of what we can improve on). We certainly couldn’t do this right without God’s love & wisdom guiding us through, every step of the way. Allan: I love you. Thank you for loving your Boo, no matter which Boo you happen to get that day (happy Boo, angry Boo, moody Boo:).
His response to the FB post:
lol……you forgot Naughty Boo;) Love you too, couldn’t imagine doing life without you….hence part of the reason for the somewhat heated discussion on self defense classes, we’re both on the same page just didn’t communicate it right:)
Not sure what the “moral” of this blog post was – I mainly wanted to be authentic about how we’re still learning about better ways to communicate with one another, how to not respond in anger, etc., etc… I think it always boils down to humility. True humility breaks down walls. Anger and selfish pride (I want MY voice to be heard above all, and I want the other person to agree with me completely, which was the kind of attitude we both were guilty of above) will only create bigger walls. Humility and forgiveness always break down the walls.
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by BooParry | Oct 15, 2012 | #MomLife, Key, Parenting, Series
Around 15 months of age, Peanut had mastered the not-so-beautiful art of whining. We knew her to have more of a “difficult” temperament by this time, but we still had not learned to fully engage in some of these issues as parents of a strong-willed child. When she turned two and we were still dealing with her dramatic tantrums and whining, we knew that we had to do something drastic about them. This time, I was determined to be more consistent and tackle these issues whole-heartedly, instead of half-heartedly. Our child must learn to obey our authority. She does not have the freedom to “run the show” in our family.
My mentor advised that the key factor in her learning to obey was developing her self-control. Some people laughed at me. Teaching a two-year-old how to have self-control? Good luck. I, however, had complete confidence that it can be done. I knew I couldn’t expect her to have the same level of self-control as an adult, but as a two-year-old, she can learn to not throw an angry fit over the smallest things.
Up to this point, when she would whine or throw a fit, I would put her in the crib. Well, remember I told you that she’s strong-willed. When I put her in the crib, she would just keep screaming or crying. When I felt that she had “calmed down enough,” I would go in and get her. We repeated this cycle more often than I care to count. I then realized – she was still making some sort of noises (to express her discontent) when I came in the room to pick her up. In her mind, she was winning every time.
One day, I decided that I was not going back to get her until she had calmed down and was actually quiet. I explained this to her. I began to use the words “self-control” as part of our regular vocabulary. The first time I put her in the crib for whining after making that decision, she cried for…well, for the purpose of this public blog, let’s just say for a very, very long time (if you want to know just how strong-willed she is, call me, and I will tell you how long it actually was). To our relief though, it was the only time she cried for that long.
That day, as I sat outside her bedroom hearing her cry, this was what I wrote on her journal:
While you were in there crying, I kept praying. Dad came home and we prayed together. We prayed for God to guide us with His wisdom and discernment. I also placed my hands on your bedroom door and prayed for you, that you will be able to learn the skill of self-control. At one point, you started crying out to me: “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!” My heart broke into a thousand pieces. Having to discipline you breaks my heart and brings me to tears, but I am absolutely committed to helping you develop godly character and values. I want to do the “right” thing for you, rather than the “easy” thing. I desire for you to produce good fruit in your life, and be all that God created you to be.
Whew. So what happened after this long, drawn-out crying/screaming session? When her screams finally turned into whimpers of surrender, I went in and praised her like crazy. She was so happy for rest of the night. It was like a different type of countenance took over her face – total freedom and relief. It was as if she realized (the hard way) how much burden had been lifted off of her…when she finally learned to let go.
Whining did not disappear after that one night, but it significantly decreased. Next time we put her in the crib, the duration of her crying and screaming was a lot less. Within weeks (maybe days), as a two-year-old, she fully understood the meaning of the term “self-control” (and even used it on her baby sister when she was screaming).
That was almost three years ago. The road of raising her has not been easy. In fact, it’s been extremely, almost indescribably challenging. But it’s been so worth it. She still loses her temper at times, but most of the time, we’re able to help calm herself down simply by saying, “Peanut, show us self-control.” She stops. She’s calm. This may not seem like a big deal to some, but it’s HUGE for me as a parent of a child who has shown more persistence and aggression than I’ve experienced from anyone I’ve met.
I believe the main foundation I’ve been able to establish with her in the last five years is TRUST.
TRUST that I, as her mom, will not allow her to have her way, no matter how persistent she is. Deep inside, I believe strong-willed children are desperately looking to their authority figures to take on that challenge from them and provide security with love and discipline.
TRUST that my words come with weight. When mom says something, she means it. She can trust that I will follow through.
TRUST that I have her best interest at heart. When things are calm, I take every opportunity to let her know why I need her to obey and the benefits it will bring to her life.
TRUST that I love her, always, no matter what. After every discipline, I try to remember to squeeze her tight, tell her how much I love her, tell her she’s forgiven, and tell her how much I believe in her. I let her know: God has big, great plans for you! You are meant to be a leader.
I know that we’re still building on this foundation. But I see the fruit of it already. Just yesterday, she was sent to her room, and she began banging on the wall. I just opened the door once, and told her calmly, “Peanut, you will stay in your room longer, the more you bang against that wall.” Banging stopped. Why? Because she believes me, 100%, that she will stay in that room longer the more she bangs on that wall. With a strong-willed child, it takes a lot longer to build that trust. They just want to keep testing, and testing, and testing…hanging on to a tiny chance that this time, maybe she’ll give in? But as I mentioned earlier, they have love-hate battles within themselves. They want to win, but they don’t. They know they should not really be in control at this age. Yet they can’t help themselves from testing authority. My husband and I are determined to be that strong pillar for her, just as God is the strong pillar for us.
To the parents of strong-willed children: I share your pain, I feel your turmoil. It’s not easy…not even in the least. It’s a very special calling, and God has chosen you, not anyone else, but YOU to take on this huge task. My prayers are with you. I know that in less than two decades, we will see some powerful world-changers for God emerge out of our homes. Until then, let’s keep diving in, whole-heartedly.
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